Saturday, April 4, 2015

Day 250: Imagining what others may be thinking

I started a new job recently and have already discovered where my mind starts to wonder and make things up. I am almost done with training and part of the job is for the person getting off work to go through med counts with me and sign a bunch of papers. When I arrived at work the other day the person who is supposed to do a wrap up with me just said "oh you're here, i'll c ya later." Later the boss came in and asked me what happened when I came in and I told her. The boss said she would have a talk with that other employee about what happened and how they were supposed to stay until med counts were finished. I immediately thought "Shit, now my co worker is going to think that I ratted on her." Earlier this morning I saw my co worker and was thinking up things in my mind like "Did she think I ratted on her?" "Does she not like me now?" "She seems different then she did the other day, I guess she is pissed at me." I realize that these are all imaginations in my own mind. Ah, the mind is one crazy thing, lol.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 249: Discipline of Music

Something I have learned is that habits change through space and time and not through thought. Their are a lot of things I would like to change about myself. Through the past couple years I have only changed a few things that have to do with my daily living. I used to play trumpet every day but I have burnt myself out on it or may have some other issues with it that I am not aware of but what I have learned is that for something to change it has to be done every day. I did this thing called the trumpet routine for 2-3 hours every day for around 9 years. It was the first thing I did when I woke up. It gave me a type of discipline and I eventually saw the results. When looking back on it now, I remember the first 6 months were crap and I didn't see much results. After that my playing started to change because I was doing the same thing at usually the same time of the day, every single day. The routine was something that covered all aspects of the instrument and it was physically taxing. I always felt better after doing it because I woke up and started my day with a discipline that I stuck with for a long time.

This one thing, starting the day out playing the horn for 2-3 hours eventually had a ripple effect that led to other areas in my life like studying and practicing. Now that I am not doing the routine I have found myself with doing nothing consistently. So I realize how having one discipline can have a ripple effect that happens. The Adam Routine is one of the only things I have actually allowed myself to do that was an actual discipline. The routine led to practicing of course. Within this, I realize that this can be done with anything in daily living.

Now, I am working instead of going to school and I don't really care for it but I know I have to do it because I am in a lot of debt. LOL, I never really cared for school either. Being burnt out on the horn and not having a daily routine has allowed me to see how supportive it is to have a daily routine.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Day 248: Waiting Until the Last Minute

Waiting until the last minute to go to work is something I do the majority of the time. I sit and kind of wait until I see the time 9:50am or whatever time I have to go to work. It is not only with work but with mostly anything that has to do with responsibility. I sit in my comfort zone until the time tells me to move. I realize that this means that I am not in control of myself but allow the time to control me when I get up and start moving.

LOL, it is funny because time doesn't exist. It exists in the mind. I actually count down the time before I begin getting up to go to work. I see that it is 9:40 and I think "I have 10 minutes left until I have to leave. I should probably start getting ready to leave now but I don't feel like it." 

This past month they have been doing construction on the expressway and I sometimes sit in traffic for 10-15 minutes. I think, "I should have left earlier." 

I have already placed myself in a state of stress and anxiety before I have even got to work because of waiting until the last minute. I have already set myself up for stress, lol. 

Monday, October 13, 2014

Day 247: Somewhere Over the Rainbow Part Two

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my thoughts of how popular and mainstream a song is to hinder myself from actually hearing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike anything that is mainstream or popular. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge what is mainstream or popular as shallow and stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of anger and annoyance when I hear someone talk about something like a song or tv show that is mainstream or popular. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those people who like things that are mainstream and popular as shallow and stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "This is a cheesy song that I don't care about" and "I don't want to listen to this song because it is so mainstream and popular."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the thoughts like "I don't want to listen to this song because it is so mainstream" has to do with my judgment of the song and that this judgment hinders me from actually hearing the song as it is, and instead from the very start of the song have a preconceived idea that the song is going to be lame because of how popular it is.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is my opinion of the song or whatever popular thing it is that has made me judge those who like popular things as shallow and stupid thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize/see the connection between my opinions about things and how these opinions lead to judgments of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my opinion of the songs that I think are mainstream and popular to hinder me from hearing the actual song not realizing that this chat that goes on in my mind while the song is being played blocks the sound of the tune so that I am not present but instead end up going into the mind and judging the song instead of simply listening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some music as good and other music as bad and through this judgment have blinded or deafed myself from actually hearing the music itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize that judging a song while I am hearing it as good or bad hinders me from hearing the actual song and I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see that when I hear a song that I like I do the same thing as when I hear a song that I dislike. I go into the mind and judge it as awesome or shitty - unaware of how judgment is not being present to the actual song and what is being heard. I realize that judgment while listening to a song that I think is good or bad is going into the mind and that any judgment while listening to anything will make me miss parts that I am listening to because of going into the mind and making a judgment.










Friday, October 10, 2014

Day 246: Somewhere Over the Rainbow

There have been many songs that I have liked but didn't want to admit it to myself because how the song has been portrayed in the public. I think that such a song would be cheesy to like because of how popular it was. For example, the tune "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," is a song I have always liked but never really allowed myself to enjoy. When I would hear the song thoughts like "This is a cheesy song that I don't care about" or "it sounds pretty but I don't want to listen to it because it is such a well known tune, it is so mainstream."

It is these thoughts that have actually hindered me from hearing the song and the changes. It is interesting that nothing is wrong with the song but with my idea of what I have judged the tune to be. I think it is a popular tune and when I hear it it reminds me of the mainstream knowledge of music because of popular movies and things that like. This has blinded or deafed me from hearing the actual song. I realize that you can't hear the chord changes and what happens in between the harmony when thoughts like this come up. I have accepted and allowed my mind to deaf me from hearing certain music.

tbc

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Day 255: Recognizing Frustration Part Three

Continued from the previous two posts.

I commit myself to when and as I see and realize that I am having backchat towards my coworkers while at work as in judging how they are doing their job to stop myself and breathe in and out and to continue on with my responsibilities.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself in the busy hours at work and backchatting towards my coworkers to stop and breathe. I realize that this backchat has to do with the amount of work I have to do and the frustrated state I am in so this backchat has to do with me and not them.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to talk to a coworker or a manager about a serious question when I am in this frustrated state and to wait until the time is appropriate and the pent up emotions and frustration within me is gone and I am relaxed.



Day 244: Recognizing Frustration Part Two

Continued from the previous post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of frustration while at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this emotion of frustration to continue within me at work to the point of having backchat towards my coworkers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing while in this frustrated state and seeing one of the hostesses to trigger the thought "I am bussing my ass off and you are just standing around doing nothing," instead of realizing that while I am in this state of frustration that I look at everyone around me in a negative way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the more frustrated I am, the more I participate in backchat.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when I am in a frustrated state and backchat about others that it has to do with me and the state of frustration I am in and has nothing to do with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "You scheduled me two double shifts in a row and another lunch shift. I am going to be living here for the next three days. This is bullshit," when I saw my manager walk by when I was bussing a table in the bar instead of realizing that I was frustrated due to the amount of work I had to do quickly. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to later go up to him in the office and tell him that I need to talk to him with the intent of explaining why my work schedule was bullshit not realizing that when I did this that I was still frustrated and if I would have explained why I thought my schedule was bullshit then I would have came off as an asshole because of how frustrated I was.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when my manager came up to me to talk to about my question that I was relaxed and not pent up or frustrated as I was when I asked him earlier because some time went by and I was sitting down and rolling silverware and wasn't running around in a pent up state.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize when and as I go into a frustrated state and mood while at work.