Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 105: Being spiteful towards teachers

Something else I have noticed about myself and my reaction towards failing this class and the teacher is I became very spiteful in my mind. I made up images in my mind of how I could somehow get back at my teacher for giving me a failing grade. LOL, it wasn't him who gave me the failing grade but me who earned the grade. It is rather crazy. I became spiteful towards someone who did nothing to me. At the time I believed this teacher had done something unjust towards me. It took me stepping back and looking my emotions in this situation to notice how spiteful I became. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful towards my teacher when I found out I failed his class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this teacher did something wrong and mean to me by giving me a failing grade in his class not seeing, realizing, or understanding that he did nothing wrong or mean to me but it was me who believed him to have done something wrong or mean to me and within this I realize it was me who did not take responsibility for doing the necessary work in order to pass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas/images in my mind like seeing this teacher in the hallway and if he says hi to me I would just look at him and say nothing back and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that this mental idea/image is in fact spitefulness. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when and as I go into a state of spitefulness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to protect my ego and go into a state of spitefulness when and as my ego is threatened. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold onto the memories of me half assing my way through other classes with this same teacher and passing when I didn't deserve to pass and since he didn't let me get away with half assing my way through this particular class that my spitefulness towards him was justified. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking or acting out physically acts of spitefulness is not what is best for all.

When and as I notice myself being spiteful towards another in my mind or in the physical - I stop and I breathe. 

I see and realize that going into a state of spitefulness is not living within and as the principle of what is best for all and I realize that spiting someone else is a way to protect my ego, ideas, beliefs, and self-definitions. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of spitefulness and to bring back the situation to self in order to investigate why I went into a state of spitefulness. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself creating up ideas/images in my mind of how to spite someone. 

I commit myself to stop justifying my spitefulness towards others based on past events as I realize there are tons of ways and excuses that can be used to try and justify one's own spitefulness. 

I commit myself to notice and investigate the excuses for why my spitefulness should be justified. 

I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical when and as I notice myself being spiteful by noticing that spitefulness requires me to go into the mind and come up with ideas so they can be acted out at a later time and within this I commit myself to write out the ideas/thoughts of how I can spite someone else so when these ideas/thoughts come up I have the ability to stop myself on acting them out as I will know what these ideas/thoughts are.  











Friday, December 28, 2012

Day 104: hope and self interest

Something I realize about the hope character. So I failed a class and have to take it over. I knew I wasn't taking responsibility for the work in this class. Every time I had homework for this class I would put it off or not do it and become the hope character. Any thought about about homework, doing homework, thinking of doing the homework later, thinking of not doing the homework, thinking about going to class, thinking about not going to class I would essentially be acting out the hope character.

Looking at this now I realize that I was living in self-interest. I would rather do something else than doing the homework. Many times I thought "I will do it later". "I will do it later" because I would rather be doing something else more enjoyable. This is self-interest. This type of living is not living in a way this is best for all because if I do this in one area in my life I will most likely be doing it in many other areas as well.



.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 103: Hope, Blame [Part 4]

This semester I failed a class and noticed myself becoming angry. I thought I would pass because I have half assed my way through other classes with this teacher and always got away with it. All of a sudden, he didn't accept my half assed work and I was surprised. Because of this I will have to go to school another semester and have gotten my money taken away for next semester. This really pissed me off. 

After I saw my grade and what the consequences of failing this class are, anger started to flow through me. I had thoughts of how I will see him in the future and will make it known to him that I don't like him anymore through my body language and attitude. How if I see him in the halls and he says hi to me I will just look at him and say nothing. It is as if after I saw that I failed I started creating ways in my mind of how to show him how angry I am at him. 

This is a point of hope. I hoped that I would just pass because I always have. I hoped everything would work out even though I knew I didn't do the work necessary in order to pass the class. Instead of seeing and realizing that it was my responsibility to do the work necessary in order to pass and didn't I blamed it on him. This anger and blame has nothing to do with my teacher but me. He did nothing to me even though I thought he did. 

This is something that I am going to have to look at because I know that this one situation is just one of many other similar situations I have went through. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I would pass because this teacher has always passed me in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to half ass my way through a class - thinking that I would pass because I have in the past not realizing that I am letting what happened in the past influence how I live today. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to half ass my way through a class because I have before in the past and gotten away with it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of going into a state of hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for giving me a failing grade. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my actions. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my teacher did nothing to me and that I blamed him for something I did not take responsibility for. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for doing the work necessary in my class in order to pass and in turn blamed my teacher for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that blaming my teacher helped hide the fact that I didn't take responsibility for doing the work necessary in order to pass the class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger when I found out that I failed a class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger at my teacher when I found out that I failed this class. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am actually angry at myself for failing the class and not taking responsibility for doing the work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger to turn into making up ideas in my mind of how to show this teacher how I don't like him anymore. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when and as I make up ideas of revenge in my mind that I am not here with the breath but in the mind. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these made up ideas of revenge are thoughts/ideas about something that will happen in the future thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create futuristic thoughts of how I will get back at another person for what I perceive to have been done to me. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of hope and to stop myself when I go into this state of mind by noticing I missed a breath and went into the mind. 

I commit myself to notice when I am blaming others for my actions and to bring the situation back to self.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my actions and responsibilities and to notice when I blame another for not taking responsibility for myself. 

I commit myself to notice when I become angry at another person and to bring the situation back to self and investigate the point of anger from the starting point of self. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into the mind and make up images of how I will show another person how I don't like them and I commit myself to stop these ideas that come up in the mind by realizing these ideas/thoughts are futuristic. 

I commit myself to bring back all situations of anger and blame back to self and to sort out these emotions that exist within/as me within the principal of what is best for all. 










Thursday, December 20, 2012

Day 102: Remove Countries

It is interesting to look at this world and how we have separated ourselves from each other. There are many different countries with different beliefs on how things should be conducted while on this planet. The planet has somewhere around 200 different countries. Why? We live on the same planet and are given the resources from earth equally but countries have fucked this up. Certain countries get more and control more of what the earth has provided for us than other countries.

We as humans have separated ourselves from each other through the countries we were born into. It is really rather strange how this works. Anyone with common sense would agree that it depends on where you were born, what part of the world you were born is the basic factor that chooses what religion will be shoved down your throat and are told to believe in at a very young age. This doesn't only happen with religion but with almost every single thing. If you are born in a certain country you might have more of an opportunity to have access to food and if you were born in a different country you might not have the opportunity to have access to food. What the Fuck? Why does this shit happen? It happens because we have separated ourselves from each other instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that we are all ONE. The earth and the animals realize this and always have. Only humans have drawn lines on a map and believe, "You are different than me and should stay over there and if you want to come over here you need the proper paperwork".

All of the lines that have been drawn on pieces of paper that shows which country you belong to is a fucked up thing. We will keep on killing and having more wars until we get rid of the fucking lines that we have drawn on a fucking map. This is all done in the mind. Things will only get better if we stop all of the imaginary lines that have been created in our minds.

What is the solution? An Equal Money System is the solution! I know the NWO/Illuminati believers will not go for this but that is something I will go into in a later post.


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 101: Hope [Part Three]

When and as I notice myself acting out the hope character - going into the imagination and hoping for “something” to happen or change - I stop and I breathe. I realize that the only way I can change something is by self directive movement and that hoping for something to happen only happens in the mind meaning no self directive movement happens when acting out the hope character and going into a state of hoping for something to happen or change. I commit myself to investigate what it is that I am hoping to happen and to stop it by physically doing the action that is necessary in order for whatever it is I am hoping for to be achieved through standing up and directing myself in the moment instead of hoping for that “something” to happen. After stopping the hope character and I notice myself judging myself before standing up and taking responsibility for myself - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that judging myself before even starting and fear of failing before standing up and taking self-responsibility is still a moment of waiting instead of taking self-directive action. I commit myself to stop all fear of failure and self-judgment that may or may not come up before standing up by moving directly to the task at hand that is of self-responsibility.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 100: Hope [Part Two]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that things in my life will work themselves out on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in hope.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that hope is sitting back and waiting for “something” to happen instead of standing up and directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that hope require no self-directive action or responsibility but only imagination.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that sitting and waiting for “something” to happen is what I have been doing my whole life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that waiting for “something” to happen is what I will do until I stand up and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will end up with a job that I don’t like when I graduate not realizing that I am participating in the act of hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking action and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that using hope gives me a feeling of security.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I use hope and the secure feeling it gives me because I fear taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if I stop using ‘hope’ - going into the mind and imagining that everything will be ok instead of realizing that I fear taking responsibility and use hope as an escape to not take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hope character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of uncertainty. Uncertain of what will happen if I stand up and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself before I have even attempted to stand up and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail if I stand up and take self-responsibility not realizing this fear is connected to why I sit back and hope for things to happen.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I hope I sit back in a static position and don’t actually move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and wait for things to happen instead of standing up and taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I hope for things to happen because I don’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I trusted myself then I would not participate in the hope character.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Day 99: Hope


Sometimes I think that things are going to work out just fine. I use hope as an escape goat in order to not face myself and my responsibilities. It has always seemed that everything has worked out besides the small shit we all go through who have or have been supported with enough money unlike those without or who are not supported with money.

I sometimes think (this just happened after my last final exam the other day) that when I graduate everything will be fine and life will be ok but what I am really doing is using hope. Hope as a way to hide behind the fear that exists within and as me. I realize that I use ‘hope’ when I am not even aware of when I use ‘hope’. It has become so conditioned that I am not aware of it most of the time. So, when I use hope I go into the mind in order to think things will work out and be just fine. Which means I am just standing still with no actual movement.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Day 98: What is real Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that forgiveness can be applied anywhere, no matter where I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing forgiveness can only be done in writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do forgiveness during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only apply forgiveness within writing not realizing and understanding that I can apply forgiveness throughout my entire day, no matter where I am and what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to erase the forgiveness I have written because I believe it is not real or good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck while applying self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what it is that makes me go into a blank state while applying self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rewrite and try and perfect my self-forgiveness statements in order for them to look good according to other people not realizing that this is only an idea in my mind that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the difference between my private self-forgiveness and public self-forgiveness and that I try and perfect my public self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate why it is that I try and perfect my public self-forgiveness and not my private self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I am pausing and re-writing my self-forgiveness when and as I write it down then I am not actually applying self-forgiveness because I have went into the mind.


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Day 97: the Student Character [Part 3]

Continuing on with the 'Student' character. It is interesting to look at how I have created these beLIEfs about who I am and think others like those in authority think I am. I remember growing up and being seen as a "talented" musician. This turned into the beliefs I have that support this Student character. I was an average student in high school and some classes I had trouble with. Most teachers always congratulated me on my music and all competitions we did in band or the ones I did individually. LOL, within just reading that last sentence I see another character, the Musician character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have seen myself as a talented musician while growing up and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed those in the community/city I lived in/around compliments to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when my past teachers congratulated me I went into a state of feeling good - feeling good that someone outside of myself recognized what I had accomplished in music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another persons praise or kind words cause me to have a good feeling as if I have accomplished something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need someone else to verify what my accomplishments are in order to believe that I am doing what I need to be doing or am on the right path.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that if another person gives me praise or kind words and it causes me to have a good feeling then I am not being self-directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a teacher compliments me that means I am doing something right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a teacher to compliment me and/or tell me that I am doing well in whatever it is that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that accepting praise from another person and having feelings based on this praise from another is an indication that I am looking for approval outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers I have don't think I am living up to my potential.

More on this to come...




Saturday, December 8, 2012

Day 96: the Student Character [Part 2]

In my last blog post I stated "I have this mental idea of who I am supposed to be around teachers. This mental idea is "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". This mental idea/creation is what I think the teacher thinks "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". So I am creating this idea not of only what I think but of what I think the teacher thinks. It is this mental idea/creation that I am not living up to. I think teachers don't think I am respectful and do what I am supposed to do. I am not living up to my own self created ideas of this 'student' character. 

I have labeled myself as a "student" and those whom teach as "teachers" and have created the "student" character around these definitions/labels. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a "student" 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if there is a "student" then there must be a "teacher". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically think a "teacher" is someone who is against me not realizing that these thoughts were created by myself and the "student" character that exists within me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing a teacher walking past me or in a class to exist as a trigger point, which triggers me to go into the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize when and as I act out the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/define myself as a "student" not realizing the beliefs I have created that go along with the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that by defining/labeling myself as a "student" and those who teach as "teachers" that I am separating myself from myself and also separating myself from those who teach - living in separation by the definitions/labels I place on myself and others. 

I commit myself to stop the self-created labels/definitions I have placed on myself. I realize and understand that labeling/defining myself as a "student" only separates me from myself and those whom I interact with at school. 

I commit myself to stop when and as I act out the student character.

I commit myself to notice when and as seeing a teacher triggers me to go into another state of mind/the "student" character. 

I commit myself to stop all thoughts/emotions that I have towards myself and towards those who teach in school when and as I visually see those who are my teachers. 

I commit myself to stop separating myself from those who teach at the university just because they have a job in education. 

In my next blog post I will go into the beliefs I have created within/as the "student" character. 

Day 95: The Student Character

      When I look at those while at the university I see teachers as teachers and students as students. When I pass teachers in the hallway there is like this mental switch that clicks on that "oh here is a teacher" and when we part spaces and I see a student "oh here is someone who is not a teacher but a student". It is interesting, I have always noticed these changes that come up within me but have never realized what it is that I do when I go into these states of mind or characters. I have this mental idea of who I am supposed to be around teachers. This mental idea is "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". This mental idea/creation is what I think the teacher thinks "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". So I am creating this idea not of only what I think but of what I think the teacher thinks.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Day 94: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part 3]

This is a continuation: Day 92: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part One] and Day 92: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part One]

Continuing with my "beef with education and academic teachers". Looking back on my experience while in middle and high school I realize something. It all started when I was in band. There was this separation that existed between band students and non-band students. We were always very successful and one of the top bands in the state with a very strict band director. There were those students who quit band because they hated the band director and his attitude. He was very strict and would use negative reinforcement and yell and scream at you if you fucked up so many quit band because of this and gossiped with other non band members and these non band members would talk shit because of what they heard from those members who quit. If you were in band in high school you couldn't do sports because of the conflict between rehearsals and practice. So there were band students and those who did sports in the extracurricular type of activities.

 At least three teachers in high school were football coaches. Two were biology teachers and talked shit about band while in class. I remember being in class and hearing this teacher say something bad about the band although I can't remember what. Us band members were aware of this type of hate speech and these teachers did it quite often. So I began to dislike any teacher who was a football coach and remember going to class and hating these type of teachers. They would have pets and they didn't like band students, at least most. The two music teachers didn't like the teachers who were football coaches and vice versa. Separation existed between the teachers and the students. Most of those in sports and us in band very much disliked each other. It was as if two cults were at war with each other.

It is interesting, after reading through what I just wrote here I realize this is when I started having emotional thoughts towards teachers.

.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Day 93: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part Two]


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this class is about learning and explaining what the philosophers views are we were assigned to read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I have to study for classes I don't enjoy instead of realizing that studying for classes I don't like is a part of what I have to do in order to graduate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in an emotional experience of anger and project it towards my teachers either in person or through backchat not realizing that I have been doing this for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to turn into backchat towards my teacher having thoughts of why he is wrong for what he believes in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs in my mind of why I am right and someone else is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for the way he conducts our class time not realizing that it is not about him but my reactions towards him so I am responsible for my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the thoughts that turn into beliefs and then turn into reactions when something doesn't line up with these beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know more than my teacher because of the knowledge and information I have received through desteni not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am using knowledge and information in order to justify why I think I am smarter than my teacher thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smarter than my teacher which separates me from my teacher and I place myself in a position of believing that I am better than him.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the educational system today trains teachers in a certain way and that it is not a teachers fault for teaching how they do because it is required by the system thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for my anger towards what we have to learn in school today and I realize that I will have to work with the system instead of separating myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that changing a system is more likely if one is a part of it not realizing that if one is not part of a system it is less likely to be changed.

I commit myself to understand what it is that the classes I am taking are about and the assignments we are required to do and if I don't to ask questions instead of waiting till the last minute to ask questions.

I commit myself to accept what it is that I must do in order to complete my classes and graduate.

I commit myself to notice when and as I become angry at a teacher for what we have to do in a class and to investigate what thoughts have caused these reactions of anger to come up within me.

I commit myself to investigate the beliefs I have and when these beliefs turn into emotional experiences of anger when someone doesn't agree with my beliefs.

I commit myself to notice when and as I have backchat of knowledge and information that I justify to myself as to why I am right and another person is wrong.

I commit myself to work with the educational system that exists today instead of separating myself from it.









Saturday, December 1, 2012

Day 92: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part One]

I am going to start looking at my views I have on education and the teachers I have. There will be many posts in this series. 

I have a paper due in a class very soon and have put off starting on it. This class is political philosophy and I always enjoy the discussions we have in the class. I emailed my teacher to ask him about my paper topic and to make sure I know that I am approaching the paper right and the topic is ok.  His response was "Your topic can be on greed but not capitalism.  You are not to critique a particular theory or ideology but discuss a theme as it relates to human nature and the course topics and readings.  So greed works, but not capitalism. you need to use print book or articles. If you have to use an electronic one you need to follow the protocols discussed in class Wed. I have gone over this assignment several times and you have had ample time and I'm really suprised you do not understand it at this point". His response pissed me off. I thought how can we not talk about capitalism in our paper if this class is called "political philosophy"? I now realize that this class is about studying what those call the "great philosophers" of the past like Plato, St. Augustine, Neitzche, etc... 

My backchat is partly to do with my reaction to his response to my question. He is conservative and talks very highly of our "troops". I have reacted in my mind towards him in class and think "this guy is full of shit", "I can't believe he is our teacher and is an academian idiot", "He thinks he is so smart but doesn't know anything". I am one of the few in the class who participate in discussion during class and we often talk about shit that has nothing to do with the philosophers that we are required to read for the class and so this pisses me off when we have to write a paper on these philosophers views when half of the class time is spent on discussion that has nothing to do with these philosophers. LOL, here I am complaining. 

The educational system that exists today doesn't teach us a damn thing but this is the world we live in so I am  going to have to learn how to work with it. So I am going to dig into this shit and investigate what my beef is with the system and investigate how I can learn how to work with the system instead of rebelling and getting pissed all the time at the system. 

Friday, November 30, 2012

Day 91: Self Honesty is what? [Part Three]


I commit myself to stop justifying to myself in my mind of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person and I commit myself to stop using justifications towards other people of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person.

I commit myself to stop and check myself to see if I am being 'honest' from a starting point of fear.

I commit myself to stop and check myself to see if I am being 'honest' in a way of justification, justifying why I am a good or moral person.

I commit myself to stop justifying to myself in my mind of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person and I commit myself to stop using justifications towards other people of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am manipulating others into wanting them to think I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person and justify why to others in the form of manipulation.

I commit myself to before speaking or acting to make sure my starting point is of self honesty as in what is best for all.


When and as I notice myself going into a state of wanting/desiring to be 'honest' in the form of justifying  to myself or manipulating others to try and make them think that I am a 'honest' and a good person because I am honest - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that justifying my own 'honesty' means that I am self dishonest otherwise I would have no reason to justify my 'honesty' and I realize that justifying myself to another is a form of manipulation by the very act of justifying my 'honesty' to another.  I commit myself to stop and check myself to see if I am being 'honest' in a way of justification, justifying why I am a good or moral person to myself in my mind or to another and if I see/notice myself justifying myself to myself or another to stop it when and as I notice myself doing it by saying Stop or physically stomping my foot on the ground to make myself see that I went into the mind and bring myself back here to the physical through the act of saying Stop or stomping my foot on the ground.

When and as I go into a state of wanting to speak what is on my mind to another person - I stop and I breathe and make sure my starting point is what is best for all within/as self honesty. I realize, see, and understand that being self-honest within the principle of what is best for all life means that I will have to stop and make sure that when I open my mouth and speak to another that I am doing so self honestly and not just speaking verbal diarrhea. I commit myself to before acting or speaking to another person to check out my starting point and to see if my actions and words I use are self honest within the principle of what is best for all and after checking myself to see if the words I speak to another are not self honest to keep my mouth shut as I realize that I am usually speaking verbal diarrhea.









Thursday, November 29, 2012

Day 90: Self Honesty is what [Part Two]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of telling the truth to my parents for something I did wrong and remembering my father saying “You told the truth and didn’t lie and that is good” and after telling the truth having a feeling of relief after I told the truth and I now see, realize, and understand that it was a point of guilt and a fear of being punished that caused me to tell the truth and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define honesty as telling the truth and speaking what is on my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that telling the truth that exists within/as my mind at all times is a good thing instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have been taught to tell the truth and that if I don’t tell the truth I will be punished not realizing that the whole point of being honest/telling the truth was based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being honest as in speaking what is on my mind as the moment it comes up is something that makes me a good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “At least I am being honest and telling the truth” and thinking that telling the truth is a moral action that makes me a good person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I use being ‘honest’ as a justification towards others so that I seem like a good person because I am telling the truth or being ‘honest’ not realizing, seeing, and understanding that in doing this I am wanting the other person to see/perceive me as a honest or good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be honest from a starting point of manipulating others into thinking I am a good person just because I am apparently 'honest' and tell it like it is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that justifying to myself or another my own 'honesty' is a form of manipulation by the very starting point of justifying my 'honesty'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Self Honesty is doing what is best for all life and that I can check out in any moment if I am living within/as the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the difference between 'Honesty' and 'Self Honesty'.

To be cont...




Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Day 89: Self-Honesty is what?


I have always thought it to be good to be honest, to always tell the truth in all situations. I remember a situation when I was younger where I told the truth to my parents about something wrong I did. I don’t remember exactly what it was but I do remember my father saying something like “You told the truth and didn’t lie - so that is good”. So I was admitting to whatever it was (I can’t remember) that I did wrong. I remember not wanting to tell my parents because I would have normally been punished but this time my dad said “You told the truth and didn’t lie - so that is good”.

Now that I look at my reasons for being honest I realize that it is always a justification to make me seem like I am a good person. I sometimes think, “At least I told the truth”. Why would I have to justify in my mind or to another for telling the truth or being honest? The reason why I justify my ‘honesty’ is because of my self dishonesty. This is actually a point of manipulation because I justify to people my ‘honesty’ in order to make them want to like me just because I am ‘honest’.

I now see, realize, and understand that honesty and Self Honesty are two completely different things. My honesty has been to/towards authority/parents/the system. Self Honesty is doing what is best for all and has nothing to do with honesty towards the system or authority. So that means that if you are doing what is best for all then you will be working with those in the system. It means checking out who you are within not only the environment around you but all life as it exists here and now.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Day 88: Infatuation

I stayed with my parents for the thanksgiving holiday. We went to a Chinese restaurant and I noticed myself looking at this girl many tables away from where we were sitting. I kept looking at her and was very attracted to her and started to think about infatuation. Was this infatuation or simply that I thought a girl was attractive? I realize that I was infatuated with her because if I see a girl whom is attractive I simply notice it and that is it, but I kept looking at the girl. It was as if I wanted to get to know her just by how she looked on the outside. I have been writing about infatuation and how I have been infatuated by other females and then went into a relationship based on the infatuation but I now see and realize how this comes about because I just experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "She looks very interesting and cute".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed how a girl looks on the outside and how attractive I think she is to exist as a trigger point, which triggers the thought, "She looks very interesting and cute" not realizing that it was how she looked on the outside and how attractive I thought she was that made me think she "looks interesting".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to want to get to know a girl just because she looks cute.


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when and as I go into a state of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated by another girl just by how she looks on the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought "She looks very interesting and cute" to a feeling of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the difference between seeing a girl whom I am attracted too or think is cute and being infatuated by a girl whom I think is cute and attractive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I see an attractive/cute girl I see her and that is it, it is done and if I am infatuated I will keep looking at the girl or the girl will be on my mind after physically seeing her.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that another person cannot ever cause me to be infatuated but that I am the one who creates the infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate why I go into a state of infatuation when seeing a girl that I think is cute.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that going into states of being infatuated is only a distraction from what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated by another instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that being infatuated by another only exists because I fear facing my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my self-dishonesty and use things like infatuation in order to hide my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become infatuated by another in order to blind myself from my own self-dishonesty.

I realize, see, and understand that another person cannot cause me to be infatuated and that I am the one who creates the infatuation that I feel towards another person.

I commit myself to notice when and as I become infatuated by a girl whom I think is attractive and cute.

I commit myself to notice the difference between when and as I see an attractive/cute female and being infatuated when seeing an attractive/cute girl.

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I notice myself in a state of infatuation by the sight of seeing an attractive/cute female.

I commit myself to investigate why I go into states of being infatuated by another female and I commit myself to investigate all things that distract me from my own self-dishonesty.

 






Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 87: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 12]

After the relationship ended with the specific ex partner I talked about in the blogs Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 9] and Day 86: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 11] I became quite angry. I found out a few months later that she was pregnant and engaged. This made me very confused and angry. It didn't make any sense to me. I remember thinking "I thought I knew her. How could she change so quickly?" She ended up having a baby and is now married. When I found out she was pregnant and engaged to be married I immediately started to think about her mother. We would talk every now and then on FB or on the phone after we broke up. One day I let this anger possess me and sent her a nasty message on FB. Something like, "Your going to turn out just like your mom and sister and have many divorces. Just wait 10 years until your world falls apart you redneck". I was possessed by this anger one day and just went off on her. We haven't talked since. I was finding reasons to justify my emotions, they were pretty strong emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when I found out from a friend that my ex partner was pregnant and engaged to be married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ex partner screwed me over instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that our relationship was based on dependence on each other and since we couldn't see each other that often the energy that was normally created while being around each other ran out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ex partner and I were in 'Love' and because we were in 'Love' thinking, "how could she do this to me?" instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this 'Love' was all based on energy and hiding from my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my ex partner's mother and sister when I found out she was pregnant and engaged not realizing that finding out that my ex partner who was pregnant and engaged triggered me to justify the sadness and anger I experienced from my ex partner and I breaking up and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find reasons to justify my anger and sadness instead of realizing that I am responsible for how I created these emotions/feelings/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the anger I felt when I found out that my ex partner was pregnant and engaged to lead me to sending a nasty/angry message to her not realizing that I was possessed by my anger and let this anger take my body over not realizing, seeing, or understanding that I have the breath which is here as support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the only one who is responsible for my anger and emotions.

I commit myself to stop blaming other people for my emotions of anger and sadness.

I commit myself to not accept or allow energy to be a part of my interaction with other people and I commit myself to stop any energy that may come up within/as me that I feel towards another person through the breath.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am living within/as energy with those whom I interact with and to stop accepting and allowing this energy to possess me as I realize that this energy will eventually run out.

I commit myself to stop and notice when and as I am using reasons as to why my emotions/feelings/thoughts are justified and I commit myself to take self-responsibility for my own self-created emotions/feelings/thoughts as I realize/see/understand that I am the one who created these thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I commit myself to not accept or allow the anger that exists within and as me towards another lead/cause me to do something in this possessed state of mind.




Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 86: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 11]




This is a continuation: Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 9]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become infatuated by how my ex partner looked on the outside and then pursue a relationship based on this infatuation not seeing/realizing/understanding that the whole starting point of going into this relationship was based on infatuation and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that infatuation is actually something that distracts me from my own self-dishonesty. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know a person before becoming partners and just jumping right into a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the issues with my past partner when and as they came up and instead put them off because I didn't feel like facing my partner and myself at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally attached to my past partners.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional state of sadness when I realized my plans of having my ex partner come live with me failed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional state of sadness when my ex partner broke up with me and accepting and allowing this sadness to turn into anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past partner was in 'Love' with me and that we would always be together and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in 'Love' with my past partner instead of realizing that this 'Love' was actually a fear of being alone and living without her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the sadness inside me when my ex partner broke up with me to turn into anger and then turning this anger into justifications of as why she wanted to break up with me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger turn into thoughts of blaming my past partner for breaking up with me because her mother had a divorce and in turn blaming my past partner's mother for the reason of her breaking up with me. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I become infatuated and have feelings of infatuation towards another female and I commit myself to stop all of these thoughts and feelings of infatuation when and as they come up within me by noticing that I have went into a state of being infatuated.

I commit myself to not accept or allow my emotions/feelings lead me into becoming attached to another person. 

I commit myself to before going into an agreement with another person to get to know them and not jump right into a relationship based on infatuation and feelings. 

I commit myself to notice when and as memories of past partners come up within me and I commit myself to stop these memories when and as they come up through breathing. 

I commit myself to walk alone with myself and to establish a relationship with myself instead of seeking out a relationship with another. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I am blaming someone else for my own emotions and making up reasons in my mind as to why my emotions are justified and within this I commit myself to take responsibility for my own emotions as I see/realize/understand that I am responsible for how I react to the emotions that exist within/as me. 



Sunday, November 18, 2012

Day 85: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 10] SRA


I have been writing about my experience with ‘Love’ in my JTL blog and I am going to simplify what I have experienced with love in this writing. What I have came to see, realize, and understand is that I have been desiring to be in a relationship ever since my first experience of being in a relationship and being in “Love”. I have always felt better knowing that I have a girlfriend to be with when things aren’t going well and to have sex with on a consistent basis. Ever since my first serious relationship I have used the word “I love you” to my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to be in a relationship because of the feeling I felt while being in relationships in the past and that if I go into a relationship then I will feel completed and fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone not realizing that I am already alone and that I desire/want to be in a relationship so I can hide this fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that I desire to go into a relationship because I am self-dishonest and that this desire/want for a relationship is a way to hide my dishonesty through the feeling that I would get if I was to go into a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that all of the relationships I have had have been of the starting point of energy and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that if I desire/want to be in a relationship and want/desire to pursue a relationship with a female then I am saying that I need another person in my life in order to be happy and fulfilled instead of seeing and realizing that I am alone in this existence and that I am using the want/desire of being in a relationship to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because I won’t be able to have sex on a consistent basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship having thoughts of knowing I will be able to have consistent sex and that having consistent sex with my partner will make me happy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea of having consistent sex influence me to go into a relationship and I realize/see/understand that a reason why I fear being alone is because I won’t be able to have sex consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say “I love you” to my past partners not realizing that I was afraid to have had lost them as a partner and would end up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired/wanted my past partners to tell me “I love you”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of happiness when my past partners told me “I love you”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that by saying “I love you” to someone that I am speaking system language and living as a system which confirms that I want/desire another system, to form a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that speaking “I love you” to another person not only upgrades my mind consciousness system but the other person’s mind consciousness system that I was speaking to therefore keeping us further enslaved.

When and as I notice myself desiring/wanting to go in a relationship - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be completed and fulfilled. I commit myself to stop all wants/desires of going into a relationship and if the chance comes up to have a partner to set up an agreement of what will be walked together as partners in an agreement in specificity.

When and as I notice myself going into an emotional state of sadness because I don’t have a partner - I stop and I breathe. I realize that my starting point with my past partners was of self-dishonesty and based on the fear of being alone and I now see, realize, and understand that I have always been alone and have went into relationships so I can hide this fear of being alone. I commit myself to walk with myself alone and to investigate when and as this aloneness comes up within/as me and what exactly triggers this emotional experience of aloneness.

When and as I notice myself wanting to say “I love you” to another person - I stop and I breathe. I realize that by saying “I love you” to someone that I am using system language that keeps or upgrades the mind consciousness systems that exist within me and the person I say it to. I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to utter “I love you” to another person and if I do to apply self-forgiveness immediately.




Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 9]

Continuing my with my experiences of being in love and in relationships. I met this girl who was a music major through a friend of mine that I had known since the third grade. The very first thing I noticed about her was that she had dreadlocks and I automatically became interested in her and wanted to get to know her. I thought it was hot for a girl to have dreads. So a few of us music majors and a few others always hung out together. We would play tennis, smoke weed, get drunk, play video games, etc... I ended up going into a relationship with this girl whom I was attracted to. It is interesting, I now realize that it was her hair that made me attracted to her in the first place. After a month or so we always would stay the night with each other even though we didn't live in the same house so we were pretty much attached to each other. We were both music majors so we would always go to the school and practice at the same time.


I remember a time when I was hanging out with my friends and she flipped out. My friend picked me up and then she drove up and she saw us and I said "Go Go Go!" I felt like I was being suffocated by her and decided to not deal with it at that moment and just ignored it instead of talking with her about it.

Later I went back to school in another state, where I am still at today. She stayed at the school she was at. Every weekend we would normally see each other. We lived 5 hours apart. She would drive here one weekend and I would drive there the next weekend. At the very end of the semester in the spring we couldn't see each other for one month because of obligations for school. I could tell things weren't going well.  She came down here and broke up with me. I wanted to stay in the relationship because we made plans about here coming here to live with me and I was obviously attached. I remember blaming her for not wanting to continue the relationship because we didn't see each other for over a month and that her feelings have changed just because we couldn't see each other.



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Day 83: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 8]

This is a continuation:

Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 6]
Day 82: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 7]

Read Day's 76-80 for further context

When and as I notice memories of hanging out with the group I associated myself with in high school and going off with my ex-girlfriend and fooling around as "friends with benefits" before we went into a relationship - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I am holding onto these memories because I want/desire to experience the feeling of freedom and excitement I felt during that time. I commit myself to stop all these memories when and as they come up by noticing that I went into the mind and thought about the past.



When and as I notice there is tension or a conflict between me and another person - I stop and I breathe. I now realize, see, and understand that I was acting passively and hiding my emotions of how I felt about my roommate and friend through noticing the backchat I had about him. I commit myself to check myself to see if I am part of the conflict I may have with another person and I commit myself to confront the person with whom I may have conflict with instead of accepting and allowing backchat to continue manifesting within me.

When and as I desire/want to go into a relationship with a girl whom I am attracted to or infatuated with - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I am living in a state of infatuation and that I have done this in the past and that going into a relationship based on physical looks and infatuation is going into a relationship/agreement with the starting point of self-dishonesty and energy which will end up running out sooner or later. I commit myself to when the chance comes up again to have a partner to go into an agreement instead of a relationship and to set out clear definitions of what and how the agreement will be walked. 













Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Day 82: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 7]

This is a continuation:

Day 76: Early experiences of 'Love'
Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 2]
Day 78: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part three]
Day 79: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 4]
Day 80: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 5]
Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 6]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of breaking my ankle while at the skate park in my home town with my friend that I went to school with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going camping with my ex-girlfriend, her sister and her boyfriend, and my "best friend" and fooling around with my ex in the tent late at night during the time when we were "friends with benefits". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of having a crush on my ex-girlfriend before we went into a relationship and the emotion of sadness that came up when she didn't want to be with me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike her boyfriend at the time not realizing that I was jealous of him. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ex-girlfriend in my mind as a hippy loving open minded person not realizing that I was separating myself from her by defining her as a hippy loving open minded person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "He just wants attention" and "His artwork isn't real, just creates things for shock value" towards my roommate and friend not realizing, seeing, and understanding that these type of thoughts allowed me to become passive towards him. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that this passive way of acting/thinking towards my roommate and friend caused conflict between us which made our living situation not enjoyable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when me and my ex-girlfriend's dog would bark at my friend and roommate every morning when he would come out of his room and seeing his reaction of annoyance and anger towards the dog. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of relief when my roommate and friend moved out - feeling happy that he dropped out of school not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was taking pleasure in his suffering. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my ex-girlfriend worked full time during the night shift and I was only taking classes and practicing and that if I was in her shoes I would not be having these judgments of her motivation or passion about life. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of my ex-girlfriend when we were in a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts of thinking that my ex-girlfriend had no passion or motivation for anything lead me to cheating on her with those girls who I thought had passion and motivation for music not realizing that this is an excuse that I used in order to justify the reason of why I cheated. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that cheating on my ex-girlfriend was showing me the self-dishonesty that existed and still exists today within/as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship based on the want/desire of being in a relationship not realizing, seeing, and understanding that this want/desire of being in a relationship with a female is based on the fear of being alone thus I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being alone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I went into this relationship with the starting point of self-dishonesty not realizing that when going into a relationship with the starting point based on self-dishonesty and energy that the relationship will most likely end sooner or later. 


Monday, November 12, 2012

Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 6]

I am continuing my experiences of being in Love and experiences of being in relationships. After I broke my ankle while at the skate park with one of my friends and had my nervous breakdown I moved back home with my mom and dad. I ended up hanging out with one of my friends in high school after I moved back to my parents. She was part of the group I associated myself with in high school. We would always mess around sexually but never became "boyfriend and girlfriend". We were what you could call "friends with benefits". We would always get drunk and fool around and have sex. We were very open in front of our close friends but when someone who wasn't close to us came around we wouldn't be very open. I remember "falling in love" with her around this time but she just wanted to be friends and stay with her boyfriend. I saw her as this hippy loving, open minded girl who was unlike any other person.

After I moved back with my parents we became "boyfriend and girlfriend". I basically ended up living with her because I couldn't stand living with my parents. Later we moved to a city 2 hours away with my "best friend". I worked at Kroger, took a few classes and practiced my horn. That was all I did. At first everything was cool but living together with my "best friend" and my girlfriend didn't work out that well. I remember having secret thoughts about my "best friend" like "I don't want him living here" "He just wants attention" "His artwork isn't real, just creates things for shock value" We were very passive with each other. He ended up having a nervous breakdown after a situation with one of the guys he was seeing and dropped out of school and moving out.

A few months later we moved to another town so I could continue with my degree in music education. So my ex-girlfriend came with me. So after 2 years of being together I started to "fall out of love". I thought she wasn't motivated to do anything with her life and that she had no passion for anything. I ended up meeting some music students. I thought "these girls are living, they are motivated to get up and practice" and I was attracted to that. So I ended up cheating. I became very passive to my ex-girlfriend and I broke up with her and she moved out. A few months later I ended up going into a relationship with one of the girls I met that I had music classes with. I will go into that experience of "love" next.




Saturday, November 10, 2012

Day 80: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 5]


When and as I notice memories coming up about me being with my ex-girlfriend, the times we partied with friends, hanging out with her family, having sex - I stop and I breathe.

I realize, see, and understand that I am the one who creates these feelings/thoughts of infatuation that I have about another girl and I still do this today and I realize that this infatuation is always based on how they look physically and then the personality they have and within this I realize that if they don't have a personality that I like I automatically dismiss myself from getting to know them.

I realize, see, and understand that these memories won't go away automatically but I have the opportunity to stop the flow of these memories through the breath and to bring myself back here into the physical.

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of being "infatuated" by another female and I commit myself to stop all the feelings/emotions/thoughts that may come up within me while seeing a female I am attracted to or infatuated with through breathing in and then breathing out.

I commit myself to stop the memories of me and my ex-girlfriend having sex in a quick manner with the fear of her mom coming home early.

I commit myself to stop the memories of the nice lovey-dovey feelings I felt when I first got together with my ex-girlfriend.

I commit myself to stop the memories of being with my ex-girlfriend and her family and the fun times we had together.

I commit myself to stop holding onto the memories of getting high and drunk with my ex-girlfriend and our friends while at her house and two of her neighbors whom I was good friends with, walking back and forth between her house and my friends house.

I commit myself to notice when and as I think in my mind that I am a musician and that this is how I want others to see me and within this I commit myself to stop all self-created ideas of how I want/desire others to see me through noticing that I left the physical and went into the mind.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Day 79: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 4]

Another experience with love happened during my senior year in high school. I saw this girl who I thought was cute and I knew nothing about her, just that I thought she was cute. One of my friends told one of her friends that I liked her and she was told about it, LOL. Anyway we ended up hanging out and later were “boyfriend and girlfriend”. We were together around a year and a half. It started off as an infatuation. We would smoke weed, drink with friends. I then went to college and saw her maybe once a month and in the second semester we broke up. We both ended up cheating on each other. Later she ended up dating one of my friends and I felt totally pissed when I found this out.

The next year in school I broke my ankle while skateboarding and had a nervous breakdown a few weeks later. I then ended up going back home to live with my parents. I ended up with another experience of Love that I will go into after I am done writing about this experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me asking one of my friends to find out if this girl was interested in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue going into an relationship based on infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that I went into a relationship with this girl based on infatuation and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that going into a relationship based on infatuation is something that is self-created in the mind and that I created this feeling of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of going to my ex-girlfriend's house after school and having sex quickly before her mom came home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of when my ex-girlfriend first came over and making out with her on the couch in my parents house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of hanging out with my ex-girlfriend and her little brother while at her house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me rolling a joint in my car and smoking with my ex-girlfriend in the high school parking lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me going back to my ex-girlfriend's house on the weekends and playing the routine in her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of dropping my ex-girlfriend off at her house after playing in the battle of the bands at high school and thinking that I was cool and that she was impressed because I played in a punk rock band at the battle of the bands at high school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when I found out that my ex-girlfriend was dating one of my friends - feeling as if they both have betrayed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger in my mind when my friend came over to go skating at the skate park showing up with my ex-girlfriend unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of skating at the skate park and seeing that my ex-girlfriend was watching me and my friend that she was with, skating and thinking that I was a lot better at skating than him.















Thursday, November 8, 2012

Day 78: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part Three]

This is a continuation : Day 76: Early experiences of 'Love'
                                  Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part Two]

When and as I notice myself thinking of my first girlfriend and the relationship we were in - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that the memories of being with my first girlfriend come up because I felt a sense of comfort while in the relationship and that I don't have this same sense of comfort today and I realize that these memories come up within/as me because I desire/want this feeling of comfort that I feel while being in a relationship. I commit myself to stop all memories of the first relationship that I was in by physically saying Stop or stomping my foot on the ground if I am in a situation where I can't say Stop out loud. 




When and as I notice myself thinking of the memories of playing music with my first girlfriend's brothers and having a feeling of enjoyment and freedom - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that this memory keeps coming up because I don't feel the freedom and enjoyment of playing music with other people today like I did back then. I commit myself to play music in the physical with whomever it may be and to stop all feelings and emotions when and as they come up through breathing in and out. 

When and as I notice myself going into a state of anger or judgment while seeing a woman wearing a long skirt and that has long hair - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I go into a state of anger and/or judgment because of the memory of my first girlfriend turning Apostolic after we broke up and I realize that my reaction towards seeing a woman wearing a long dress and who has long hair has nothing to do with them but me. I commit myself to notice when and as I react to seeing a woman who has long hair and wearing a long dress through noticing the reaction and after breathing I commit myself to notice where I am by observing what is around me.