Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Day 35: Arguments Continued

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to something or someone not realizing that when I react to something or someone I think up something in my mind that I believe to be right compared to the something or someone I reacted to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I should justify my point of view when talking with other people.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I feel the need to justify my point of view in my own mind or to another that I take myself away from fully participating in the conversation or reality that is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I react to something or someone that this reaction will be accompanied by a thought of what is right or wrong about the very thing I am reacting to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in conversations or arguments that are based on polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show others my point of view - thinking that if they hear my point of view that they will understand where I am coming from instead of realizing that when I feel the need to show my point of view to someone that I am not actually communicating with the other person but am communicating mind systems that exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I feel the need to show another person my point of view that I am actually showing myself and the other person my own ego.

I commit myself to notice when and as I react to someone or something.

I commit myself to notice when and as I feel the need to justify my point of view towards someone.

I commit myself to notice when my reactions toward another cause me to think of why I am right and they are wrong.

I commit myself to stop myself when I am participating in a conversation of polarity - where the end of the conversation ends up in there being a winner and a loser and within this I commit myself to notice when and as energy builds up within me to the point of participating in a conversation with another based on polarities. I realize that participating in a conversation with another person based on polarities leads to there being a winner and a loser that only confirms mind systems at war with each other instead of actual communication. 

I commit myself to - when and as I am conversing with another person to stop myself and breathe when I notice myself justifying in my mind my point of view that is right and my point of view of why they are wrong.




Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 34: Political arguments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in political arguments - thinking that I can and will prove the person who I am arguing with wrong and that I am right. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I am arguing about politics with others that I am trying to prove myself right - showing myself in my mind that I am right and that they are wrong.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I argue with others and have some kind of reaction within me that I am living out mind systems - the feeling and need to be right while the other is wrong while not realizing that this is simply a system that lives within and as me which requires the opposite polarity to keep this mind system functioning.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the want/desire to be right requires someone/something else to be wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue with others to the point where built up energy comes out within me not realizing that when this energy builds up within me that I am only charging up this mind system that exists within/as me that will come out in the manner of emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I argue with others about politics that I am living in a state of polarity which keeps me entertained to justify my position of being in the right and the other person in the wrong causing conflict and entertainment on both sides of the issue. 

I realize that when a reaction comes up within me towards another person's belief/opinion that I am charging up a mind system that exists within me that desire/wants justification of being right and that this justification is only distracts me from what I accept and allow myself to exist as in the form of entertainment and conflict and within this I realize that my belief of wanting/desiring to be right about something requires the opposite polarity to exist. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I desire/want to go into an argument about politics and when I want/desire to prove myself right and the other person wrong.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself reacting to someone's political beliefs - realizing that I when I react that I will try to justify why the person is right or wrong.

I commit myself to stop all political arguments before they start whether in person or online as I realize that these arguments only charge up mind systems that keep us entertained through conflict through polarities. 














Friday, August 24, 2012

Day 33: Rushing

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I walk to class on campus that I am walking very fast, hoping to get to the class in time because I haven't given myself enough time to get ready for the class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into a position of rushing when I walk to classes not realizing that I don't prepare enough time to get my notes, books, and backpack ready in time before I go to class.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I don't allow myself enough time to get ready for class because of self-interest - either hitting the snooze button or thinking I "need" to smoke a cigarette or thinking I "need" to practice a few more minutes before going to class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-interest before my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that placing my self-interest before my responsibilities results in me rushing and going fast with everything.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this rushing and going fast with everything creates energy inside of me - making it difficult to notice my own breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my day because I place my self-interests first before my responsibilities resulting in not being aware of my breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I rush through my day that I have thoughts about needing to be somewhere while I am walking to my next class or responsibility which takes me out of the physical and into the mind.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of rushing everywhere not realizing that when I am rushing that rushing makes it easier to go into the mind and having thoughts of wanting to be at that place that I am rushing to even though I am walking here in the physical and have not made it there yet and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself enough time to go to my next class or responsibility in a calm manner. 

I commit myself to give myself enough time to walk to class without having to rush to classes or responsibilities.

I commit myself to prepare everything that I need to prepare as in getting my books, notes, and backpack together in order to allow myself to walk to class in a steady manner.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself rushing to a class or practice or any activity that I do.

I commit myself to notice when I think of being at the place that I am walking to instead of walking there here in the physical.

When and as I notice myself thinking of being at the place I am walking to - I stop and I breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to let thoughts of wanting to be at the place I am walking to. Instead - I prepare for everything that I need to in order to allow myself enough time to walk to the class or destination I have set out to go to.




Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Day 32: Dr. Professor Told On Me

Some crazy shit has happened recently. I did a vlog called "Dr. Professor Telling On Me" yesterday. I e-mailed this teacher who flipped out on me.


"Hello X,

     Just wanted to say Hey and that you won't see me smoking on
campus anymore. You have stated your authority in a very clear manner.
I want to remind you that you are not special or better than others
just because you are a teacher (that is common sense). The so called
"Dr." behind your name doesn't mean your special (although you think
your special) and should be allowed to abuse others with your
so-called authority. It is interesting to learn about how some people
think they are more special than others. We as humans are equal but
you don't see that. You acted just like a child today by "telling on
me" to your mommy and daddy (security and Mr. X) HAHA! Go ahead and
tell on me again!

Remember, You and your Ego are not Special.








Johnathan Motz



She took my advice and told on me again by sending this e-mail to the higher-ups in the music department.



"I received this email just now, Just wanted to let you know. I am not impressed with this student's behavior on the stairwell or in writing. All I did was to ask him to please not smoke in the stairwell. We have had conversations today and last year on several occasions (Total Lie). I will say it makes me a little nervous to think about how he is reacting, as he knows where my studio is and will likely know where my car is. It makes me feel a bit unsafe (WTF is that shit, lol). I just thought I should let you guys know that I received this type of email from this student"



Thanks,

X


LOL! You can see the total separation. She told me and 4 others once that we were not supposed to smoke there last year when I was smoking with 4 other people, not on several occasions, lol. Today I had to have a meeting with the dean of students, my private instructor and two other people. The dean of students reacted as soon as I said "why isn't Professor X here? It takes 2 to tango" I remember answers some of their questions, " the way she reacted to me was inappropriate and very emotional and angry because she flipped out, She did not talk to me like a human but as an emotional person who was flaunting her authority over me because she was angry. You do not treat another human being like that" The dean of students responded with some bullshit about "respect" and he went on and on and I started laughing. And then things went into military style. He said, "You don't laugh at us or anyone in this room" "You respect us, you understand?" I said "Yes sir". He said "I can kick you out of school". He was talking to me like I was in the army. He went on and on about "respect" Because I laughed at him when talking about respecting the faculty. He is making me meet with him sometime in the next week or so about my "conduct" and lack of respect.

I realize that you can't go to school and get an education in this world and expect that the people that are involved in this education system will treat you equally. You as a student can't approach teachers as an equal. You have to bow down and take it all in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a situation where I knew conflict could arise but instead ignored this thought and went to smoke in the stairwell because I felt like it, not realizing that my self-interest was the starting point of this whole blown up situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry when I saw  teacher X angrily asking me questions in a threatening manner instead of realizing that I should've expected this to happen. I realize that this teacher's anger triggered me into questioning her authority because it made me angry.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I talked to my private teacher and he told me that X told him about the situation I had with her that this was the trigger point that caused me to get even more angry after the confrontation I had with her which lead to me sending her an email about how I thought about her which caused even more problems to happen. I realize that it is not worth challenging someones authority while at the University as it will only cause more problems and conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anger towards a teacher to lead me into believing that telling her about my opinion of her is justified instead of realizing that I told her my opinion of her because of my anger and that doing this only caused more problems. I realize that I accepted and allowed my anger to possess me into causing conflict with a teacher which led to even more conflict.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see and understand that by going to college that I am participating in part of a system called education and that I have to follow the rules in order to get out and that by questioning this system will only cause problems for me. I realize and accept the rules of the education system and realize that it is not worth challenging or questioning this system while I am still in it and almost out of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to challenge a teacher's authority not realizing that in this education system I have to follow all of the rules which means I can't challenge a teacher's actions without having consequences.

I commit myself to notice when and as I accept and allow self-interest to direct when I do things and what things I do.

I commit myself to follow the rules of the education system and to not challenge any of my teachers actions as I realize this will only cause trouble for myself.

I commit myself to notice when I react with anger towards a teacher and I commit myself to notice what the teacher did to trigger this anger inside of me. 








Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day 31: Music and Ego

In middle school I started to become paranoid about how I sound when playing the horn because if you were in band and didn't play good then you would get yelled at - It was complete negative reinforcement. I realize how this separated the band kids from the non band kids because a lot of people ended up quitting because of how the band director approached the ensemble and would yell and single you out sometimes in front of everyone - It was a very angry type of approach to teaching. Everyone was afraid of the band director. Then my family moved to another school for a year and all of the students heard where I came from so they looked at me like I was some kind of amazing musician, lol. After two years I went back to the area I was at before. When I went back to the other school I had the same band director that I had in the beginning. I always played things well and never had the problem of playing things "wrong" but I saw the effect it had on other students and the separation it caused. He was always in trouble with the school system but the band was always good, won every competition, and was always 1st or 2nd in the state so nothing happened. This teacher had students that were his "pets" and I was one of them so I never really received this type of negative reinforcement (the anger filled cussing and yelling). It happened a few times and was because I was talking - nothing to do with how I play (he said he was using me as an example). But the few times it did happen it affected me. He would lash out out of nowhere and then the next day act like nothing happened. He would act completely different when he was around just me or the pets in the band. I saw how two-faced he was. One day he kicked me out of marching band for being one out of 90 or so people talking before running through the show and I had enough. My parents set up a meeting with the school counseler and principle and he never messed with me or used me as an example again. I know I wasn't being a bratty kid, he had serious anger issues.

 So this fear started to build over years and helped build my ego because we always won competitions and all of the state competitions. I did the all-state band stuff and was considered the 3rd or 4th "best" trumpet player in the state so I got praised from the community, teachers, students, my parents, friends, relatives, etc.... I got to go to Germany with the band. I went to Japan with the orchestra that I played with (different city). I was always seen as one of the band director's pet though. I was constantly being reminded of being this so called "talented" musician by others and it started to go to my head, lol. So I created this image of being this amazing, talented, musician that was based on competition and achievements.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the way I was taught how to play music in an ensemble when in middle school was of a point of negative reinforcement where I feared making a mistake because of the possibility of being yelled at and singled out and that this fear is still with me today.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I tend to dislike music teachers today because of the memory of being afraid of getting yelled and cussed at for making a mistake when I was in middle school and high school and that I have a pre-conceived idea that all music teachers are angry people who will yell and cuss at me if I am not perfect. I realize that I look at teachers from the view point of as if they are going to attack me and I realize that this is not true because I have programmed myself to believe this because of the memories of the band director I had while in middle and high school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was praised by the community, band directors, parents, relatives, community, friends, students, teachers for being a so-called good musician and that this has helped me build my ego and how I want to be seen by others today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that praise from others while I was in middle and high school means that I am some kind of special person instead of realizing that this praise only went to my head causing me to have the ego that I have today. I realize and accept myself as one and equal to all life as I realize that no one is special because we are all equal and one.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that giving or receiving praise does nothing because it is only an idea in one's mind that can easily influence another's mind if one is not self-directive. I realize that when one is not self-directive that one will easily be influenced by praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let praise go to my head and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let praise influence me instead of being self-directive. I realize that if I let praise go to my head that I am not being self-directive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the praise from others that I received before going to college and while at college has influenced how I approach playing music in an egotistical manner today - wanting to be seen as a talented musician and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want to be seen as a talented musician.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire praise from others today because I have receieved praise from others in the past therefore hanging onto an image that I created in the past of being seen as a talented musician.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as special/talented by other people instead of realizing that this is how I have programmed myself by feeling good by receiving praise by teachers, students, friends, family, parents, the community, etc...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am not accomplishing anything within music if I don't receive praise from others instead of realizing that I have programmed myself into wanting/desiring to receive praise from others which only limits me from expressing me as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am equal and one with all life which means that I am not special in anyway if we are all one and equal.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I think I am special/talented because I was always told so by the community, teachers, students, band directors, family, and friends while growing up because I have won competitions in groups and as an individual.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect competition to music.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that expressing oneself in music is about expressing oneself breath by breath and that is the only way real expression is made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto images of being seen as talented/special by others while playing music instead of realizing that this image of being seen as talented/special is not real but only a made up image that I have created instead of realizing that no one is special because we are all equal and one. I realize that if I have thoughts about seeing myself as good or bad while playing music that I am not expressing myself but only expressing a program that exists within me.


I commit myself to play music whether in an ensemble or by myself as me as I realize that I won't be yelled or cussed at if I make a mistake.

I commit myself to treat all teachers and musicians as one and equal to myself as I realize we are all one and equal meaning that teachers or those who play music are not better or less better than me as we are all One and Equal.

I commit myself to direct myself and be the self-directive principle of living oneness and equality meaning receiving or giving praise is useless if we are all one and equal.

I commit myself to disregard any form of praise - not accepting or allowing praise to influence me as I realize that praise can stop me from moving by going into the mind which takes me away from being here in the physical.

I commit myself to notice when I let receiving praise go to my head.

I commit myself to notice when and as I give or receive praise.

I commit myself to express me as me in every moment of breath while playing/creating music and within this I commit myself to notice when and as thoughts of superiority or inferiority arise.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice images of being seen as talented or not talented in the back of my mind while playing music.

I commit myself to play music as me within each breath of every phrase/line.

I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to play or create anything if thoughts of being special or thoughts of being not special arise within me and within this I commit myself to stop and breathe before I allow myself to continue playing whatever it is that I am playing. 












Saturday, August 18, 2012

Day 30: Playing Music

 I read a blog post by Maya Harel entitled "Singing Expression - Self Forgiveness - Day 107" today and realized ways in which I approach playing music. This point is quite extensive as it goes all the way back to when I started playing music in grade school. I have a lot to sort out here and have started with how I noticed myself existing as today while practicing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if people are listening to me while I am practicing in the practice room, thinking they might think I sound good or bad instead of realizing that when I wonder if people are listening to me practice and wondering what they think that this is direct confirmation of Ego and me playing music as Ego instead of expressing me as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as a "good" musician in the eyes of others in my own mind and when I practice and have thoughts of wanting to be seen as a "good" musician in the eyes of others that my expression is not who I am at all but my expression is Ego and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my Ego to take charge of how I practice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hearing people walking by and talking outside of the practice room I am in to exist as a trigger point which triggers thoughts of wondering if they think I sound good or sound bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want perfection in music instead of realizing that wanting/desiring perfection shows me that my starting point of playing music is the want/desire to be seen as special or talented. I realize that perfection within the trumpet is not something to be attained and that playing the trumpet is nothing but a never ending journey.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I practiced at my parents house this summer that thoughts of wondering if someone thinks I am good or bad did not come up and that as soon as I play at the school with other peers around I start to wonder what others think of my playing which shows that I want to be seen as important in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when these thoughts of wondering what others think how I sound become strong and intense that I change what I am practicing and play something that I think I sound good at playing in order to satisfy the thought of wanting to be seen as a good musician in the eyes of others and that my breath becomes shallow and short before playing a phrase/line during these times which works for a little bit but ends up in me physically trying harder, using my body in ways to force the sound out and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use force when playing music.

More to come...


Friday, August 17, 2012

Day 29: Committments and realizations to seeing 3:33

I realize that I have programmed myself into seeing the time and numbers 3:33.

I realize that I began to see 3:33 more often after reading about the 3:33 and 11:11 meanings. 

I realize that when I place an importance on seeing numbers that I blind myself from what I have accepted and allowed.

I realize that I have programmed myself into seeing 3:33 because of living based on self-interest instead of what is best for all.

I realize that living based on one's own self-interest leads to the want/desire to be seen as important.

I realize that I have not yet taken responsibility for myself which is why I place importance on seeing the number 3:33, thinking and believing that seeing 3:33 means I will change just because of seeing the numbers 3:33.

I realize, see, and understand that if I was being self-directive I would not be placing a feeling of importance onto seeing a combination of numbers. 

I realize and accept that seeing the numbers 3:33 will not go away in one moment.

When and as I see the time 3:33 and have a reaction, whether positive - thinking that I am special by seeing 3:33 or whether negative - getting angry because I realize that I have programmed myself into see this sequence of numbers - I stop and breathe. I do not accept or allow my mind to create ideas of what seeing a sequence of numbers means. Instead I simply notice that I have seen these numbers and continue on with whatever I am doing at the moment.

I commit myself to notice when I see the time 3:33 and react - thinking that there is some kind of significance to seeing these numbers.



I commit myself to notice when and as I place a feeling of importance on something outside of myself and within this I commit myself to stop myself within the breath when I think something outside of myself is showing me something.



I commit myself to live here within the principle of oneness and equality and to notice when and as I am living in self-interest by thinking I am important or special.

I commit myself to notice when I have deceived myself from living in oneness and equality. 

I commit myself to direct myself, the one who takes charge of his own life instead of letting thoughts/beliefs/ideas direct me and how I live.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Day 28: Seeing 3:33

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have trained myself to see the time 3:33 for years and whenever I see 3:33 I believe that there is some kind of significance to seeing this time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something special about seeing 3:33 on a clock and that I am special by seeing these numbers instead of realizing that I have programmed myself into thinking that seeing 3:33 is important after reading information about 3:33, 11:11, etc..

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I started to see 3:33 more often after I read and heard about the 11:11 phenomenon not realizing that after reading and hearing about this so called phenomenon that it started to occur more often.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that seeing numbers is a sign of something happening to me instead of realizing that I have programmed myself into seeing these numbers.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I see 3:33 that I am placing importance on seeing these numbers which blinds me from seeing and realizing what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am living in total self-interest by accepting and allowing myself to place a feeling of importance onto seeing 3:33. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how easily we can program ourselves into deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I look at a clock and see 3:33 that I am being contacted by some other worldly being and that seeing this time means something instead of realizing that I have programmed myself into seeing 3:33 because I have not yet taken responsibility for myself and what I accept and allow myself to exist as.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a feeling of importance onto seeing numbers and thinking that these numbers mean something instead of realizing that seeing these numbers over and over again is me wanting something outside of myself to take charge of me, which confirms that I am seeking for things outside of myself instead of being intimate with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special by seeing the number 3:33 on a clock instead of realizing that thinking I am special for seeing 3:33 that I am doing so based on something outside of myself which confirms that I fear who I am and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I have become and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

Day 27: Judging Lightworkers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out "lightworkers" videos on youtube, wanting/desiring to go into war with them because I think I know what life is all about and they don't instead of realizing that when I go into war/conflict with them that I am only going into war/conflict with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, see, and understand that I am trying to save others who may be "lightworkers" by talking to them and using knowledge and information and believing that if I explain to them the knowledge and information that I have learned through the desteni material that I will be saving them. I realize that I cannot save anyone and that when I try to save someone that I am blinding myself from what I accept and allow within myself.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I can help others through pointing out the flaws in their beliefs instead of realizing that I am only projecting my ego onto others. I realize and accept that I cannot save anyone but myself from continuing to live the programmed life that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and that when I focus on the flaws in another persons belief system that I am doing so in order to think/beLIEve that I can do so because  I have apparently achieved something of wisdom/knowledge/information that I project onto them in order to make me feel right and that they are wrong.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I look for the flaws in the lightworker philosophy because I am afraid to look at the flaws within myself not realizing that when I judge others that I am judging myself and within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize the polarity that exists in judging another.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when my attention is on another person through judging the flaws in their belief system that I do so because I am not allowing myself to see something inside of myself which is why I place my attention on another.

I commit myself to focus on myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as instead of focusing on others and what they believe in and accept and allow themselves to exist as.

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of mind that feels the need to show others knowledge and information and within this I commit myself to notice when and as my ego takes over, going into a state of knowledge and information that I project onto another.

I commit myself to notice when I start to judge "lightworkers" for apparently being wrong for what they believe in instead of realizing that when I am judging "lightworkers" that I am noticing systems not only within "lightworkers" but systems in myself.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Day 26: Weed and Responsibilities

Now that I have came back to school I have been facing the desire/want to smoke weed after I go to the practice room. I am so used to walking back to my apartment after I practice and smoking weed, thinking that I deserve a reward for putting the time in that is necessary to learn how to play this instrument. I have been back here for 3 days and whenever I come back to my apartment I start to feel depressed because I have made a commitment of not smoking weed for 21 days. I never even noticed how I have programmed myself into this automated habit until now. It is a fucking slap in the face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want to smoke weed after I practice not realizing that I have programmed myself into this habit over many years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need a reward for playing my horn and putting the necessary time into learning this instrument instead of realizing that the reward is the time I put in and that this only happens within space and time and not with participating in going into a state of highs after I have put in the time for that hour or two.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that learning an instrument or any type of activity doesn't happen automatically but is learned slowly but surely and works in space and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of sadness when I come back to my apartment because I have committed myself to stop smoking weed for 21 days and within this I realize that I have to walk through this sadness in space and time for this sadness to go away. I realize and accept that this sadness that comes up within me by not getting high after practicing will not go away in one moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my reality after I get done practicing without smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want automatic satisfaction after taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my parents rewarded me with material possessions after taking responsibility or achieving something when I was younger and lived with them and that this is still with me today. I realize that I was always rewarded for doing something "right" in the form of money or material possessions ever since I have lived with my parents and within this I realize that I have been programmed into wanting/desiring to receive something automatically after taking responsibility.  I realize that this type of reward taught to me by my parents is a result of living in a Capitalistic world and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my parents were doing what they have been taught by the system.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize/see/understand that I am living in/as self-interest thinking that I deserve something of pleasure by taking responsibility. I realize that taking responsibility for myself should be the reward itself, knowing that I actually walked through the responsibility.

I commit myself to stop the patterns of wanting automatic satisfaction after taking responsibility for myself. I realize that taking responsibility and the benefits of taking responsibility happen in space and time and not within a single moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility realizing that taking self-responsibility doesn't involve an automatic reward but the reward is by taking consistent self-responsibility within time and space.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and only for myself as taking responsibility for myself in even the smallest actions is what is best for me and all others. 



Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day 25: The Stoner-Pothead Character

Smoking weed started to become a part of my daily life in college where I would smoke 3 or 4 times a day. I started to become known as a "pothead". I actually wanted to be seen as a "pothead" or a "stoner" in the eyes of others I went to school with. I would wear Bob Marley t-shirts trying to convince others that I was cool because I smoked weed. I hung out with those who smoked weed and pretty much only associated myself with them. I can remember walking in the music building going to a recital while I was high and seeing classmates and thinking something like "They are not high and are afraid of getting high and are shallow because I am in a better state of mind than them". So I ended up judging other people when I knew what they thought about marijuana. Being a music major in the college I am at is like going to a small high school. Everyone knows everyone else or at least who they are and there are a lot of clicks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a "pothead" or "stoner" in my own mind in order to feel that I am different than those who don't smoke weed and those who look down on those who do smoke weed instead of realizing that I am living out a character in order to get attention or a feeling of importance in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those who are openly against smoking marijuana as shallow people and wanting to go into war with them by creating a character who is seen by myself and others as a "stoner" or "pothead" instead of realizing that I am only separating myself from myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a "stoner" or "pothead" character by limiting myself to hang out with people who smoke weed and staying away from those who think and are openly against weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a "stoner" or "pothead" by wearing Bob Marley t-shirts thinking and believing that wearing a t-shirt of a famous musician who is known as a "stoner" or "pothead" will show others that I am a "stoner" or "pothead" instead of realizing that I am living out a character created in my mind in order to get a feeling of importance or attention from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want others to want to notice me as different than others or to be seen as a special person by living out a character that is a "stoner" or "pothead" instead of realizing that I must not be happy with myself if I want/desire to get a feeling of importance or attention from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that I am being different by living as this "stoner" character instead of realizing that there is nothing different about being a "stoner" and within this I realize that I live out this "stoner" character in order to get a feeling of importance by wanting/desiring attention from others. I realize that I live out this "stoner" or "pothead" character because I have not been intimate with myself therefore causing me to look for a feeling of importance in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepting and allowed myself to realize that I hide behind this "stoner" or "pothead" character because I fear being intimate with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want attention from others instead of realizing that I am asking for me to pay attention to me and what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have ever in my life care for me.

I commit myself to express myself as who I am in every moment instead of as a self-created mind character.

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I notice/see myself judging those who are against this "stoner/pothead" character and I commit myself to notice when I go into this character and act out this character.

I commit myself to talk with/hang out with anyone no matter if they may or may not be ok with those who smoke weed.

I commit myself to not let the clothing I wear trigger myself to go into a character of the mind.

I commit myself to give me to myself and no one else by investigating and sorting out and self-forgiving any character I notice myself acting out.

I commit myself to investigate myself when I notice myself acting out self-created characters instead of expressing me as me.

I commit myself to give to myself that which I have been seeking from others.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Day 24: Pipes and Resin

So I have a couple of pipes in my desk where I use this computer. One of these pipes belongs to my friend. I don't even know why he left it here. There is resin in this pipe and I know I could smoke the resin in this pipe and get high. Throughout the day I keep thinking about how I could just smoke the resin in this pipe and get high. I thought something like "If I smoke resin then I am not smoking weed, so it should be ok" LOL. I have committed myself to not smoke weed for 21 days and smoking the resin that is in my friends pipe is the same thing as getting high, its just not as good as smoking actual weed. So I have been tempted because this pipe is right here in front of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the pipe inside my desk at random times throughout the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that smoking resin isn't the same as smoking weed instead of realizing that whether you smoke resin or weed you are still getting high. I realize that the resin created by smoking weed in a pipe is the same substance but in a different form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this pipe stay in my desk that I open everyday therefore visually reminding myself of how I could get high because it is right in front of me and I visually see it. I realize that when I see a pipe that I will have thoughts of want/desire to get high but if I remove the pipes I have from my existence then these thoughts will be lessened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself visually seeing a pipe in my desk to trigger the thought "If I smoke resin then I am not smoking weed, so it should be ok" instead of realizing that smoking resin gets you high just like weed but in a different way.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I think of smoking the resin that is in this pipe when I feel like not facing this reality and want to escape by getting high. I realize and accept that thoughts of want/desire of wanting to get high aren't going to disappear magically. I realize that I have to walk through the wants/desires of getting high in space and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave this pipe in an area where I see it everyday not realizing that visually seeing this pipe everyday triggers thoughts of want/desire to get high.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I remove this pipe and place it in an area that I cannot see it that I will still have thoughts of want/desire to get high but they won't be stimulated visually, therefore stopping one small area that leads to thoughts of want/desire to get high.

I commit myself to stop thoughts of want/desire towards getting high through breathing here in the physical.

I commit myself to realize that smoking resin and weed are different forms of the same substance and that doing one or the other is still using the same substance.

I commit myself to remove these pipes from my desk so that I cannot visually see them and I commit myself to not take these pipes with me when I go back to school tomorrow therefore not allowing myself to have access to a pipe of my own.

I commit myself to investigate when I see something visually that reminds me of weed or causes thoughts of wants/desires of getting high.

I commit myself to walk through the desire/want of getting high when and as I feel the need to escape from my own reality.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day 23: Weed and "Creativity" cont...

I commit myself to investigate when and as I see myself changing my reality by getting high in order to go into a period of creativity which is a period of a "high" that inevitably leads to a period of a "low" creating and flowing in a continuous cycle of highs and lows. I understand/see/realize that what goes up must come down.

I commit myself to investigate myself when I feel that I need to smoke weed, whether it be socially, personally, or "creatively" and to get to the bottom of why I want/desire to change my reality by getting high.

I commit myself to investigate myself when and as I use the word "creativity" or "creative" whether if it is used towards myself or another person.

I commit myself to stop using weed as a way for me to go into a "creative" state of mind.

I commit myself to investigate when and as I notice myself labeling myself as "creative" or when I go into a period of "creativity"

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I want to go into a state of creativity. I realize that when I go into a state of creativity that I am doing so based on energy. I realize that when I go into a state of creativity that I do so based on getting a high - which is energy.

I commit myself to investigate when and as I am living "creatively" or doing something "creative" in my mind and within this I commit myself to investigate when I use the words "creative" or "creativity" and in what context I use these words.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day 22: Weed and "Creativity"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking weed makes me a creative person and when I get high I become more creative not realizing that by smoking weed I leave this reality and go into another reality that is of the mind. I realize that when I smoke weed that I don't become more "creative" but leave my normal patterns of thoughts and go into an entirely different reality that is of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being "creative" to smoking weed instead of realizing that I have limited my "creativity" based on when I get high. I realize that I have connected "creativity" with smoking weed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I think I am "creative" when I am high that it results in me thinking I am not creative when I am not high and that I need to get high in order to become "creative". I realize that I have defined "creativity" based on whether I am high or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to smoke weed in order to be creative instead of realizing that smoking weed doesn't make me creative but only changes my reality for a little while. I realize that smoking weed does not make me more creative but only makes me go into the mind, making me think I am creative. I realize that this so called period of "creativity" will end as soon as my high ends. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to change my state of mind in order to become creative. I realize that creativity doesn't exist but is only something that is based on self-interest and wanting attention from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being creative by smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in creativity instead of realizing that creativity is something that is made up in the mind based on self-interest instead of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am creative instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that by thinking I am creative that I am actually thinking that I am better than other people therefore separating myself from others. I realize that when I use the word "creative" or think that I am living creatively that I judge myself as better than those whom I don't think are "creative" or who live creatively.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by thinking that I am creative that I am actually separating myself from myself and others by defining myself as "creative". I realize that by thinking that I am creative that I am separating myself from myself by using the the word "creative"

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that labeling something or someone as creative only causes separation




Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 21: Weed and social circles

Smoking weed started out as a social activity way back in middle and high school. The first time I smoked weed was in the 7th grade.After I graduated high school I started buying my own bags. Then by my second semester at college I knew all of the people who were music majors and who smoked weed. After that I began to live the lifestyle of a "stoner" or "pothead" I would smoke weed multiple times a day. I would get high before my classes and especially before the music ensembles I played in. I started thinking that weed was good for me because it would allow me to forget about everything else and focus on a single thing. I thought it made me creative and able to freely express myself. After the next year I started to get anxious when I got high, depending on who I was around when I got high. I didn't want to hang out with these certain people but because they had weed I would hang out with them. It started to become a big problem. If I didn't have any money or my friends didn't have any then I would end up hanging out with those whom I didn't want to just because they had weed. 

So this has ended up in me hanging in social circles with those who smoke weed all the time - To this very day. Most of the people I hang out with smoke weed so I assume that I should just keep smoking weed because all of the people who I think are my friends smoke weed.

I will be back at school next week and I know the opportunity for getting high will come up. I know that people are going to be smoking around me. There is nothing wrong with smoking marijuana but there is something wrong with my relationship towards marijuana. This is why I have decided to stop smoking weed for 21 days.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in situations that I don't feel comfortable in, in order to get weed or get high.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my relationship towards weed is not what is best for all when I hang out with those whom I don't want to be around just because they have weed to sell or smoke not realizing that doing this is based on self-interest and my need to get a high. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in situations where I wait around for hours and hours and put off my responsibilities in order to get a bag of weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the social circles I hang out with influence me to smoke weed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself when I am hanging out with those who smoke weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going back to school and hanging with the social circles I involve myself with because I have decided to stop smoking weed for 21 days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need weed in order to have fun with those who I socialize with at school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being around those who I hang out with without smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use weed as a way to feel socially acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that those who I hang around with will think I am weird if I don't smoke weed with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let others who I socialize with, which is something outside of myself, to influence what I accept and allow myself to exist as instead of accepting and allowing myself to direct myself while around those who I socialize with.

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I have the opportunity to get high with those who I know I don't need to be around.

I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to place myself in situations where I wait for getting weed, accepting and allowing myself to let the opportunity to getting weed to influence me into not taking responsibility for myself and obligations.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself instead of accepting and allowing the social circles I hang out with to influence me into making decisions.

I commit myself to not accept or allow those whom are in my social circle to influence me to smoke weed. Instead I direct myself and do not accept or allow anyone or anything outside of myself to influence me into smoking weed.

I commit myself to direct myself and take responsibility for myself whenever I am around those who smoke weed, not accepting or allowing anyone outside of me to influence me to make my decisions for me.








Day 20: No weed for 21 days



I have had some trouble so far figuring out how/what to write about in regards to stopping weed for 21 days.What I am going to take on is not smoking weed for 21 days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I wonder if I can really stop smoking weed for 21 days.”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the thought “I wonder if I can really stop smoking weed for 21 days.” is connected to a fear of failing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this fear of failing in my attempt to stopping weed for 21 days is directed related to my desire of being successful in stopping for 21 days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself not realizing that the fear of failing and desire of wanting to be successful is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself before I have even started.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of failing and desire of being successful in stopping weed for 21 days is a thought about the future that is not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am facing a wall right now, not knowing what part of my relationship towards weed to start with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go blank.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if there is too-much to dive into and write about that I don’t know where to start.

I commit myself to stop smoking weed for 21 days.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I notice myself thinking “I wonder if I can really stop smoking weed for 21 days”

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself fearing that I might fail at stopping weed for 21 days.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am thinking of wanting to be the person who can stop weed for 21 days and not the person who can’t stop causing myself to judge myself based on wanting to be the person who can stop weed for 21 days.

I commit myself to stop futuristic thoughts of how I will or will not fail at stopping weed for 21 days.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself not knowing where to start with, feeling as if there is just too much to write about and investigate.






Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 19: Stopping a Habit for 21 days

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping a habit for 21 days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "I am just going to pick up the habit again after 21 days".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am just going to pick up a habit after stopping it for 21 days. Thinking that I am just waiting for the 21 days to be up so I can pick up the habit again.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that these thoughts come up whenever I think about stopping a habit for 21 days.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that these thoughts like "I am just going to pick up the habit again for 21 days" hold me back from stopping a habit for 21 days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thoughts about how I think something will be like instead of actually walking through it in space and time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that these thoughts are self-created in my mind and have no validity because they are futuristic mind projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my own self-created thoughts about how I think stopping a habit for 21 days will be instead of realizing that it is impossible to know how it will be because I haven't actually walked through the 21 days.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have stopped myself before I have even started taking on stopping a habit for 21 days.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the only way to walk through stopping a habit for 21 days is to walk it breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not ready to stop a habit for 21 days instead of realizing that it is only an excuse for me to stay the same as I am now.

I realize that I cannot stop these automated thoughts from coming up in an instant and that it will take time to stop these automated thoughts.

I realize that these thoughts come up whenever I think about stopping a habit for 21 days.


I realize and accept that stopping a habit for 21 days will be met with resistance.


I realize that thinking about stopping a habit for 21 days only hold me back from walking through the 21 days.

I realize that when/as thoughts of how I will or will not be changed after stopping a habit for 21 days that I have left the physical and went into the mind by having thoughts about how things will be like after 21 days.


I realize that thoughts of how I will be changed or thoughts of how I won't be changed by stopping a habit for 21 days are not real but only self-created thoughts and within this I realize that it is impossible to know what something will be like unless I have walked through it in space and time.


Whenever I notice myself thinking about how I will or will not be changed by stopping a habit for 21 days - I stop and I breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to create ideas/thoughts/beliefs about how the process of stopping a habit for 21 days will be like. Instead I realize when and as I go into the mind and bring myself back here to the physical.


Whenever I notice myself using excuses such as not being "ready" to stop a specific habit for 21 days - I stop and I breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to use excuses for not being ready for stopping a habit for 21 days. I realize that these excuses are used because I don't want to face the resistance of stopping a habit for 21 days. Instead I stop my excuses by realizing that these excuses only come up because I don't want to face myself and what I accept and allow myself to exist as.


I commit myself to stop self-created thoughts of how stopping a habit for 21 days will be like realizing that I went into the mind which stops before I even start the process of stopping a habit for 21 days.


I commit myself to stop myself when and as I think I am waiting for the 21 days to be up so I can pick up the habit again.


I commit myself to walk through the 21 days of stopping a habit instead of making up ideas/beliefs/thoughts of how it will be.


I commit myself to stop myself when I notice that I am thinking how I will or will not be changed by stopping a habit for 21 days.


I commit myself to stop myself when and as I am believing my own self-created thoughts about how the process of stopping a habit for 21 days will be like.


I commit myself to walk through stopping a habit for 21 days breath by breath as this is the only way to walk through the 21 days.


I commit myself to stop excuses for wanting to put off stopping a habit for 21 days.









Thursday, August 2, 2012

Day 18: Thinking and Judgment

I realize that believing that I can't stop myself from thinking is only a beLIEf that I have created in my mind.

I realize that thinking and feeling overwhelmed are connected.

I realize that I have not yet lived the process of stopping the mind because of my fear of stopping the mind and within this I realize that the fear of stopping the mind is a self-created futuristic thought that traps me from stopping the mind.
 
I realize by judging myself through placing labels on myself like "addicted" is not who I am but only a judgement of self that only shows that I judge others through placing labels on them in the same way I do myself.

I realize that any form of judgement whether it is judgement of self or another means that both exist together and that you cannot judge one without judging the other because they are connected.


I commit myself to stop feelings of overwhelmingness that arise when I notice my thoughts are spinning around and around through simply breathing in and out.

I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical by stopping myself and breathing when and as I feel that I can't stop myself from thinking.

I commit myself to stop myself from thoughts of believing that I am not able to stop myself from thinking.

I commit myself to notice when and as I notice when my thoughts are creating energy within me.

I commit myself to face my reality when I decide to stop my thoughts.

I commit myself to stop self-created beliefs of how I won't be able to function and live responsibly if I stop my thoughts, thinking that I will turn into a zombie if I stop myself from thinking when I beLIEve thinking is necessary.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by labeling myself by placing certain labels on myself.

I commit myself to notice that when I judge other people by placing labels onto them that I am also judging myself.


Day 17: Thinking a lot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I cannot stop myself from thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can't stop myself from thinking.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that thinking and energy are connected.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I would be if I stopped myself when I notice my thoughts are taking me over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I won't get anything done and think that I can't be productive if I stopped my thoughts when and as I notice them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need my thoughts in order to live and be responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through defining myself as "addicted" to my thoughts.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize/see/understand that I also judge others through defining them as "addicted" to thoughts/emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that when I am judging another person that I am actually judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am seeing myself and what I accept and allow within myself when I judge others.