Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day 25: The Stoner-Pothead Character

Smoking weed started to become a part of my daily life in college where I would smoke 3 or 4 times a day. I started to become known as a "pothead". I actually wanted to be seen as a "pothead" or a "stoner" in the eyes of others I went to school with. I would wear Bob Marley t-shirts trying to convince others that I was cool because I smoked weed. I hung out with those who smoked weed and pretty much only associated myself with them. I can remember walking in the music building going to a recital while I was high and seeing classmates and thinking something like "They are not high and are afraid of getting high and are shallow because I am in a better state of mind than them". So I ended up judging other people when I knew what they thought about marijuana. Being a music major in the college I am at is like going to a small high school. Everyone knows everyone else or at least who they are and there are a lot of clicks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a "pothead" or "stoner" in my own mind in order to feel that I am different than those who don't smoke weed and those who look down on those who do smoke weed instead of realizing that I am living out a character in order to get attention or a feeling of importance in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those who are openly against smoking marijuana as shallow people and wanting to go into war with them by creating a character who is seen by myself and others as a "stoner" or "pothead" instead of realizing that I am only separating myself from myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a "stoner" or "pothead" character by limiting myself to hang out with people who smoke weed and staying away from those who think and are openly against weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a "stoner" or "pothead" by wearing Bob Marley t-shirts thinking and believing that wearing a t-shirt of a famous musician who is known as a "stoner" or "pothead" will show others that I am a "stoner" or "pothead" instead of realizing that I am living out a character created in my mind in order to get a feeling of importance or attention from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want others to want to notice me as different than others or to be seen as a special person by living out a character that is a "stoner" or "pothead" instead of realizing that I must not be happy with myself if I want/desire to get a feeling of importance or attention from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that I am being different by living as this "stoner" character instead of realizing that there is nothing different about being a "stoner" and within this I realize that I live out this "stoner" character in order to get a feeling of importance by wanting/desiring attention from others. I realize that I live out this "stoner" or "pothead" character because I have not been intimate with myself therefore causing me to look for a feeling of importance in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepting and allowed myself to realize that I hide behind this "stoner" or "pothead" character because I fear being intimate with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want attention from others instead of realizing that I am asking for me to pay attention to me and what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have ever in my life care for me.

I commit myself to express myself as who I am in every moment instead of as a self-created mind character.

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I notice/see myself judging those who are against this "stoner/pothead" character and I commit myself to notice when I go into this character and act out this character.

I commit myself to talk with/hang out with anyone no matter if they may or may not be ok with those who smoke weed.

I commit myself to not let the clothing I wear trigger myself to go into a character of the mind.

I commit myself to give me to myself and no one else by investigating and sorting out and self-forgiving any character I notice myself acting out.

I commit myself to investigate myself when I notice myself acting out self-created characters instead of expressing me as me.

I commit myself to give to myself that which I have been seeking from others.

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