Monday, August 13, 2012

Day 26: Weed and Responsibilities

Now that I have came back to school I have been facing the desire/want to smoke weed after I go to the practice room. I am so used to walking back to my apartment after I practice and smoking weed, thinking that I deserve a reward for putting the time in that is necessary to learn how to play this instrument. I have been back here for 3 days and whenever I come back to my apartment I start to feel depressed because I have made a commitment of not smoking weed for 21 days. I never even noticed how I have programmed myself into this automated habit until now. It is a fucking slap in the face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want to smoke weed after I practice not realizing that I have programmed myself into this habit over many years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need a reward for playing my horn and putting the necessary time into learning this instrument instead of realizing that the reward is the time I put in and that this only happens within space and time and not with participating in going into a state of highs after I have put in the time for that hour or two.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that learning an instrument or any type of activity doesn't happen automatically but is learned slowly but surely and works in space and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of sadness when I come back to my apartment because I have committed myself to stop smoking weed for 21 days and within this I realize that I have to walk through this sadness in space and time for this sadness to go away. I realize and accept that this sadness that comes up within me by not getting high after practicing will not go away in one moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my reality after I get done practicing without smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want automatic satisfaction after taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my parents rewarded me with material possessions after taking responsibility or achieving something when I was younger and lived with them and that this is still with me today. I realize that I was always rewarded for doing something "right" in the form of money or material possessions ever since I have lived with my parents and within this I realize that I have been programmed into wanting/desiring to receive something automatically after taking responsibility.  I realize that this type of reward taught to me by my parents is a result of living in a Capitalistic world and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my parents were doing what they have been taught by the system.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize/see/understand that I am living in/as self-interest thinking that I deserve something of pleasure by taking responsibility. I realize that taking responsibility for myself should be the reward itself, knowing that I actually walked through the responsibility.

I commit myself to stop the patterns of wanting automatic satisfaction after taking responsibility for myself. I realize that taking responsibility and the benefits of taking responsibility happen in space and time and not within a single moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility realizing that taking self-responsibility doesn't involve an automatic reward but the reward is by taking consistent self-responsibility within time and space.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and only for myself as taking responsibility for myself in even the smallest actions is what is best for me and all others. 



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