I read a blog post by Maya Harel entitled "Singing Expression - Self Forgiveness - Day 107" today and realized ways in which I approach playing music. This point is quite extensive as it goes all the way back to when I started playing music in grade school. I have a lot to sort out here and have started with how I noticed myself existing as today while practicing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder if people are listening to me while I am practicing in the practice room, thinking they might think I sound good or bad instead of realizing that when I wonder if people are listening to me practice and wondering what they think that this is direct confirmation of Ego and me playing music as Ego instead of expressing me as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as a "good" musician in the eyes of others in my own mind and when I practice and have thoughts of wanting to be seen as a "good" musician in the eyes of others that my expression is not who I am at all but my expression is Ego and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my Ego to take charge of how I practice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hearing people walking by and talking outside of the practice room I am in to exist as a trigger point which triggers thoughts of wondering if they think I sound good or sound bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want perfection in music instead of realizing that wanting/desiring perfection shows me that my starting point of playing music is the want/desire to be seen as special or talented. I realize that perfection within the trumpet is not something to be attained and that playing the trumpet is nothing but a never ending journey.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I practiced at my parents house this summer that thoughts of wondering if someone thinks I am good or bad did not come up and that as soon as I play at the school with other peers around I start to wonder what others think of my playing which shows that I want to be seen as important in the eyes of others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when these thoughts of wondering what others think how I sound become strong and intense that I change what I am practicing and play something that I think I sound good at playing in order to satisfy the thought of wanting to be seen as a good musician in the eyes of others and that my breath becomes shallow and short before playing a phrase/line during these times which works for a little bit but ends up in me physically trying harder, using my body in ways to force the sound out and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use force when playing music.
More to come...