Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day 55: Justifying my existence based on others cont...

I commit myself to notice when I am blaming other people in my mind and to investigate the blame that I place on others in my mind and to investigate the backchat that has led to me to place blame on another person.

I commit myself to investigate the reactions I have towards other people and the thoughts/feelings/emotions that create these reactions that I have towards another.

I commit myself to notice the thoughts/feelings/emotions that I have towards another person and within this I commit myself to investigate why these thoughts/feelings/emotions come up within me.

I commit myself to investigate the patterns and relationships that I participate in, not accepting or allowing myself to use others or write about others as a way of justification for my way of being as I realize that it is never about another person but about my relationship that exists in my secret mind towards the other person.

I commit myself to investigate my secret mind as I realize that all reactions that I have towards another person is caused by my own secret mind which is the judgments that I have towards another that only I am aware of.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Day 54: Justifying my existence based on others

I sometimes write about other people and the things about my life. I somehow, lol, I try to use others to justify my actions and emotions/feelings/thoughts/ideas and all of that shit.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my state of existence and to write about others instead of myself and the patterns that I live and exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to justify certain actions that I participate in because of other people and write about these actions/thoughts/emotions/feelings based on the other person instead of focusing on the patterns I participate in.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is not about another person but my relationship with the other person and that I am only the one in charge of myself and to write about the other person does no good because it is not about them but my inner relationship with the other person(s).

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I think someone has harmed me that it is not so but I have created this justification of someone harming me based on the backchat that I participate in and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my backchat to create emotional thoughts/feelings inside of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that backchat about another person leads to emotional thoughts/feelings when I think they have wronged me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to relealize that my own backchat has led me to have emotional thoughts/judgments towards others whom I had that backchat about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat about another person in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others can harm me in emotional ways not realizing that if I get hurt by another person that it was not the other person who hurt me but me who hurt me because I accepted and allowed it to happen which was based on the backchat I have had about the person who I think has hurt me.





Sunday, September 23, 2012

Day 53: Reactions


 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I react to someone or something that I am reacting to something that exists inside of myself and that my reaction has nothing to do with another person or something but only myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another person has done something to me instead of realizing that when I feel someone else has done something to me that it is only myself I am reacting to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the anger and rage that exists inside of me instead of realizing that when I react to others I am only reacting to myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, using others as an excuse.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that no one can make another angry and that when I react with anger towards another it is something they are showing me that exists within and as me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the reactions I have towards other people, thinking that they are causing my reactions instead of realizing that I am responding to myself. 

I realize that when I react to someone or something that I am only reacting towards myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as. 

I commit myself to investigate when and as I notice myself reacting to someone or a situation and blaming it on them for my reaction and within this I commit myself to investigate myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as that would cause these emotional type of reactions.  

I commit myself to stop blaming others for my emotions as I realize that I am only reacting to myself when I react with emotions to another. 












 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Day 52: Smelling Weed

 This is a continuation of Day 20: No Weed for 21 Days
                                     Day 21: Weed and Social Circles
                                     Day 22: Weed and Creativity
                                    



Last night I hung out with some people that I met at the beginning of the semester. One of the girls who came over asked if her friend could come over and she came over. This girl likes to smoke weed and I told her how I quit smoking weed. I showed her my bong and she bought it from me, lol. I let her smoke in front of us and the smell brought back some memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the smell of weed to trigger memories of driving from college back to my parents during fall, thanksgiving, x-mas, and spring break - smoking weed while driving, listening to Bob Marley and Sublime and having a feeling of happiness from listening to this music, thinking and believing that I understand and feel this music better while being high.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that while being high I let the feeling of being high influence what type of music I listened to and used it in order to get a feeling of happiness and a type of orgasmic feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the high of smoking weed to influence what type of music I listen to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I understand music better while being high, thinking that I can hear better while being high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that being high helps me live in the moment and that this helps me hear music better than I could if I wasn't high.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that while being high, the buzz was in charge of me and my choices and not actually me myself and when I came down I would make different decisions compare to while being high.



I commit myself to investigate all the memories that have to do with me smoking weed and being high.

I commit myself to investigate and apply self-forgiveness accordingly when hearing a certain type of music reminds me of being high.









Thursday, September 20, 2012

Day 51: Cleaning for others continued

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I was younger I was only partly responsible for cleaning my room because during random times my mom would clean my room therefore I realize that I did not have to take full responsibility for cleaning my room when I was younger and that this is still with me today. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of me doing my weekly chores in order to get an allowance, using cleaning as a way to get money in order to buy material things. I realize that I was taught to take responsibility in order to receive money so I could buy material objects.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the memories of my family, my friends families, roommates, and friends cleaning up the place in which they live before someone comes and visits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is normal and everyone cleans before having a guest over to visit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my apartment get so dirty to the point where I have thoughts of wishing my apartment to become clean - kind of like wishing some cleaning fairy come and take care of it for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not living in a way that is best for all life if I don't even care about myself and living in an clean environment for myself so therefore I realize that I must care for myself and love myself in order for me to live in a way that is best for all life.

I commit myself to take responsibility for keeping a clean area to live for myself and only myself.

I commit myself to clean my apartment once a week in order to not let filth and dishes build up to where it seems as there is too much to clean.

I commit myself to live me as me and stopping all thoughts that turn into actions of trying to present myself as a better person that I live and exist as.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as someone comes over and I feel the need to clean even if things aren't as clean as I would like, not accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic rushing state of being trying to clean things before a person or group of people come over to visit and within stopping this I realize that I am living me as me, not painting a prettier picture of myself for others.

I commit myself to notice when and as my apartment is getting messy and to take responsibility in that moment which is simple as picking up music and clothes or washing the dishes which doesn't take long.

I commit myself to clean for myself as I realize that if I don't care for myself then I surely don't care for others.




Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Day 50: Cleaning for others

So here I go again cleaning when a friend comes over. Not really a friend but a new person coming over to hang out for the first time. I clean my apartment when this happens. I remember writing about this when I first started posting on the forum.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to clean my apartment when someone new comes over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for cleaning my apartment for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic state of rushing with cleaning before someone new comes over to hang out for the first time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for cleaning my apartment on a weekly basis not realizing that I don't clean my apartment because I am living in a state of self-interest by not taking responsibility for the simple act of cleaning my apartment on a weekly basis.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not in charge of my life if I clean my apartment for other people instead of myself thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am presenting a false presentation of my self, presenting myself better than I really am if I clean my apartment right before someone new comes over thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a fake presentation of myself, trying to make myself look better than I really am.




Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Day 49: Car Talk cont...

 This is a continued post from Day 48: Car Talk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear being around those who talk about cars and years and models of cars because I have no idea about these types of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memories of me in high school and hearing some of my friends talk about car parts and car stuff and in turn making fun of them for liking cars.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I get angry when I am around others who talk about cars because it isn't an interest of mine.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that we all don't have the same interests and hobbies and that our interests and hobbies have been programmed into us mostly by the environment we were brought up in so judging those who have an interest in cars is irrelevant and only shows how our interests and hobbies have been programmed into us so I realize that I also have been programmed into certain interests and hobbies, mainly listening and playing music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my hobbies and interests are more important and have more substance than those of others resulting in me thinking I am better than those who don't share my same interests and hobbies not realizing that I am living in separation by thinking I am above those whole like cars and sports therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than others instead of realizing we are all one and equal.

When and as I notice myself becoming angry and having judgments towards those who talk about and have an interest in cars I stop and breathe. I realize that we all have interests and hobbies that have been programmed by our environment so judging someone for having an interest or hobby in something makes no sense because I realize that we have all been programmed into having these interests and hobbies. I commit myself to when being around those talking about cars to simply listen to what they are talking about and when I feel uncomfortable after being around these type of conversations I apply self-forgiveness aloud or write it out in my self-forgiveness notebook.

When and as I notice myself thinking that the things I am interested in are more important and have more substance than those who are interested in cars and sports - I Stop and I Breathe. I realize that the things I am interested in doesn't make me better than those who are interested in other types of things because we are all one and equal. I commit myself to say "Stop" when and as I notice thoughts of thinking that those people who like cars and sports are less than me.






Monday, September 17, 2012

Day 48: Car Talk

While at the corner smoking a cigarette I met some new people, 2 males. A car drove by and one of the male's said "oh that car is awesome" and then they both started talking about cars. They were talking about this or that brand and the companies, which one's they like, which one's they don't. The backchat came and hit me in the face rather quickly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I don't know how to talk to people when they talk about cars.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go instantly in the mind, having secret thoughts of judgment towards those who talk about cars.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry when I am around those who talk about cars not realizing that I judge them because I have defined those who have an interest in cars as masculine shallow type of people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that just because someone has an interest in cars that it defines who they are as a person. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place those who have an interest in cars in a category in my mind not realizing that I am separating myself from those who have an interest in cars. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to participate in conversations with those who talk about cars and if I don't they won't accept me not realizing that this is actually fear.
 






Sunday, September 16, 2012

Day 47: You can take a day off but you can't put it back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to skip writing on the days where I think there is to much to do, using school as an excuse for not having time to write.

I forgive myself for not managing my time in a way that allows me to write everyday.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have the time to write everyday but use school, homework, practice as a reason to justify not writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don't write much on one day that it isn't even worth writing, living within/as a black and white/all or nothing type of thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that writing just a little bit on one day is a waste of time and not supportive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that writing just a little each day is better than skipping one day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to write a whole lot of self-forgiveness statements in a blog in order for the blog to be self-supportive and if I don't then I shouldn't even write for that day instead of realizing that it is not about how many self-forgiveness statements I write that is self-supportive but what is supportive is the act of doing it every day, placing myself in a position of being self-responsible and consistent.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be consistent with writing everyday because I have created the idea in my mind that if I don't fill a page with self-forgiveness I won't be accomplishing anything. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reading other peoples blogs and seeing how much they write, thinking that I must write the same amount as them not realizing that I am comparing the length of my writings with the length of others writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the length of my writings to the length of others writing not realizing that I am trying to live up to a made up idea in my mind and that others will see me as lazy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that thinking others will think I am lazy if I don't write a whole lot everyday that I am in essence not writing in a way that is self-supportive but as a way to think others will be thinking I am self-supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think writing will have benefits that will come quickly not realizing that the benefits of writing everyday happen within space and time and not when I desire/want them thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect automatic benefits by writing everyday.

I commit myself to write every day and to stop using the excuses of not having enough time because of homework, practice, and any other responsibilities that I have.

I commit myself to manage my time in an consistent and effective manner not accepting and allowing myself to use excuses for not taking responsibility for whatever task it may be.

I commit myself to write everyday even if it may be a little bit realizing that I am placing myself in a position of taking self-responsibility and consistency.

I commit myself to stop the idea of thinking I must fill a whole page with self-forgiveness statements as I realize that writing with this idea in mind is not self-supportive because I am trying to live up to an idea I have created in my mind of perfection.


I commit myself to write every day without having expectations of something good to happen if I write every day as I realize that writing everyday is not about wanting/desiring something good to come out of it but it is about a way to learn about one's self and to change one's self in a way that is best for all.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Day 46: Time and Self Interest Part 2

I commit myself to place my responsibilities such as practicing, homework, doing the dishes, reading, writing, etc… before activities of enjoyment and relaxation not accepting or allowing myself to get possessed by activities of enjoyment and relaxation that result in me having to stay up late and/or me hitting the snooze.

I commit myself to notice when and as I get possessed by activities of enjoyment and relaxation and when this energetic mind possession interferes with my daily responsibilities.

I commit myself to take breaks of activities of enjoyment and relaxation as I realize that we have to take breaks between daily tasks and within this I commit myself to not become possessed by these breaks and let these breaks turn into large breaks.

I commit myself to take advantage of the day and the opportunities I have to live a productive day.

I commit myself to set realistic daily goals that can actually be attained instead of unrealistic goals that are part of this made up “perfection” character of how I want myself to be and how I want others to see me and thus I commit myself to notice when and as I am living out this “perfection” character.


I commit myself to notice when and as I am thinking of a task that I am about to do being done before even starting it and within this I commit myself to stop these mental images through bringing myself back here to the physical within breath.

I commit myself to take on one thing at a time within/as breath as I realize you can only do one thing at a time.

I commit myself to check myself during the day making sure I am able to complete the realistic tasks I have set out for myself so that I can wake up without hitting the snooze because of staying up so late.

I commit myself to direct myself and take responsibility for the realistic goals I have set out for myself to do in a given day instead of letting my desires direct when I take on my realistic daily goals.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Day 45: Time and Self-Interest


The other day I kept hitting the snooze button in order to sleep more. This happens a few times a week. I wake up and hit the snooze button. After I end up actually waking up I have thoughts/emotions of that my whole day is ruined. Sometimes I stay up late and need the extra sleep but this is all based on how I choose to spend my time. I sleep in because I want/desire more sleep. I stay up late because of my self-interest type of activities during the day. So I live my life based on self-interest which results in worrying about the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough time to complete the responsibilities that I have set out for myself not realizing that I am responsible for my own responsibilities and when I do them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “there is just not enough time in one day” to an emotional experience of fear thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. I realize that I place my own self-interest before my responsibilities which results in me going into an emotional state of fearing that there is not enough time to do everything that I have set out for myself to do in one day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “there is just not enough time in one day” instead of realizing that this thought is triggered when I run out of time near the end of the day because of my own self-interest type of activities that I participate in during the day like spending extra time on facebook, listening to music, socializing, or spending time on youtube thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-interest before my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my whole day is ruined when I hit the snooze and wake up late not realizing that I think my day is ruined because I can't complete all of the things I have set out for myself to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set unrealistic goals for myself instead of setting goals that are realistic and that can be completed in one day. I realize that I set unrealistic goals that I think I can complete in one day that are part of an image that I have created of who I want myself to be and I realize that by setting smaller goals for myself that I can actually follow through and that following through with these smaller realistic goals won't satisfy the made up image of how I want to be and that following through with these small realistic goals will be met with resistance because of the made up image I have created of how I want myself to live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear managing my own time and responsibilities because I think there is just too much stuff to do in one day not realizing that I have set unrealistic ideas of what can be accomplished in one day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create images in my head of all my responsibilities being done that I have set out for myself instead of walking through each point I have set out for myself breath by breath. I realize that I make up images in my mind of all the things that I want to do in one day being done before I have even began going through them in the physical.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that you can only take on one thing at a time, breath by breath.







I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I think there is too much stuff to do in one day because I place my own self-interest before my own responsibilities and that placing my own self-interest before my responsibilities will result in me thinking there is too much stuff to do in one day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my desires/wants to control when I take on my own responsibilities not realizing that when I place my self-interest before my own responsibilities that I end up going to sleep very late resulting in me waking up and hitting the snooze button.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Day 44: Saudi Arabia and Rednecks

     I have been meeting a lot of people from Saudi Arabia lately and always enjoy our conversations. Yesterday I asked someone from Saudi Arabia how they like it here compared to the big cities in the US and he said he "loved" it here. He likes it here better than big cities like Dallas, Austin, Cincinnati, etc.. and I didn't understand. I am in the bible belt of the US and a pretty southern area. I said I don't like the "rednecks" and "hillbillies" and would rather live in a big city. He said that I was using a stereotype and he was completely right. He made me realize that I have labeled the people here in this city as "hillbillies" and "rednecks"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label the people in this town as "rednecks" and "hillbillies"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place people in categories such as southerners, rednecks, and hillbillies not realizing that by placing people in categories that I am separating myself from the people I have placed in these categories.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have believed the idea of the stereotypical redneck before I came to school here and that this belief is how I judge/label others who live in this town and have a southern accent. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hearing a southern accent to exist as a trigger point which triggers thoughts of judgement/labels I place on those with the accent.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing that humans cannot help the accent they have because it was determined by where they were born.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I also have an accent 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would be happier living in a big or different city not realizing that over the years my happiness has never been determined by what city I have lived in.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness is not determined by what city you live in but by who you are in each moment of breath. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of thinking I will be happier in a different or big city not realizing that using this excuse is only a reason to blind myself from what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my happiness is determined by what city I live in instead of realizing that where you live has nothing to do with your own happiness unless you are living in constant poverty or a warzone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I don't live in an area of poverty or a warzone so I am pretty lucky and have no actual reason to complain about where I live at the moment.

When and as I notice myself labeling those with a southern accent as "rednecks" or "hillbillies" I stop and I breathe. I realize labeling/judging someone based on the accent of their voice has is me judging them based on how they sound which has nothing to do with how they are as a person but it shows me who I am as a person and how quick I am to judge others. I commit myself to physically bring myself back here when and as I notice myself labeling someone in my mind as a redneck or hillbilly by simply listening to them right here in the physical as I realize that we are all equal and one no matter what kind of accent another person has. 


When and as I wish or think I lived in a different city I stop and breathe. I realize the city that I live in has nothing to do with how happy I am as I have proof of this by living in different cities through the past 5 years. I realize that one's happiness is determined by who they are in every moment of breath and I realize that there is only one breath that is taken at a time. I commit myself to notice the hills and mountains that exist here as they are very beautiful scenery



Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 43: Being in Class cont...

I commit myself to stop blaming my teacher for going through material quickly as I realize that I have the choice to go over the material again on my own in order to understand it.

I commit myself to go through the material that I didn't understand in class at my own pace so that I understand the material. 

I commit myself to when and as I don't understand something in class to ask the teacher what it is that I don't understand even if I feel like it will be seen as a stupid question in the eyes of others - I realize that by asking the teacher a question about something that I don't understand I will be challenging my own ego and the made up image that I have created in my mind that wants to be seen as to smart to ask questions and thus I commit myself to challenge my ego.

I commit myself to stop the made up beliefs of how I think others see me and think about me as I realize these are only made up ideas my own mind.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am judging myself and others based on ideas that I have made up in my own mind.

I commit myself to stop labeling other people I go to school with based on what they are majoring in.




Monday, September 10, 2012

Day 42: Being in Class

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my teacher and how fast she is going through the information she is teaching.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry in class when the teacher said "I am going to have to cover a lot of information here and you need to keep up"

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to go through the information on my own in order to understand what was being taught in class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeatedly become angry throughout the class because of how fast she was going through the material instead of realizing that I will have to go through the material on my own in order to understand it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid to ask a question in class when I don't understand something - thinking that other people in the class will think I am stupid for asking the question that I want to ask instead of realizing that the thought of thinking others will think I am stupid is only a made up idea in my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I care what others think about me when I ask questions in class that I am living as ego and want/desire to portray a image that I have made up in my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear asking questions in class because I think other music majors will think I am stupid instead of realizing that I am making up the idea of other music majors thinking I am stupid in my own mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am judging myself through a made up idea in my mind of how I think others may or may not think about me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have defined myself and others whom I go to school with as "music majors"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself and those I go to class with as "music majors"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a "music major" and those I go to class with as "music majors" which is a thought that I have made up in my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have placed a label on those whom I play music with and go to class with as a "music major"

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that those I go to class with are labeled as "music majors" because of the degree that they are going after.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "they are a music major" in my mind before talking to someone whom I have never talked to who is a "music major".

















Sunday, September 9, 2012

Day 41: Fear of life after school

The other day in jazz band the teacher was talking about how there is only one rehearsal and then a gig and even sometimes only talking through the tunes and then doing the concert. Hearing this didn’t bother me but hearing this made me worry about the future and what kind of job I will have to do in the future. You have to know the right people at the right time to get a job in music these days. I wondered about what kind of job I will have in the future - fearing that it won’t be music related and that I might be stuck with some boring 8 hour a day/5 days a week job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school”

When and as I notice myself thinking “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school” I stop and breathe. I realize that this thought is about the future and is not real because the future is not here right now and will never be here right now. I commit myself to stop all wondering and thoughts of how the future may or may not be by bringing myself back here to the physical and noticing that I just left the physical by having the very thought “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school” and when noticing that I have these type of thoughts I look at what I can see around me whether it is a room that I am in or the life around me while walking outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my teacher talking about how professionals in big bands rehearse before playing a gig to exist as a trigger point which triggers the thought “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school”

When and as I notice teachers talking about what “professional” musicians do in their jobs I stop and breathe. I realize that this education and my degree is supposed to prepare us for making a living as a musician and I realize that there is no such thing as a professional musician and that those who are “professionals” are called “professionals” because playing music is their job. I commit myself to notice when and as hearing a teacher talk about how what those who play music for a living do for their job cause thoughts or emotions to come up within me and when I notice a thought or emotion I recognize it and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hearing my teachers talk about what those who make a living play music do in their jobs to an emotional experience of fearing the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will end up having a job that I don’t enjoy and that if I have a job that I don’t enjoy that I won’t be able to be a happy person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I end up with a job that I don’t enjoy and that has nothing to do with music that I will not have enough time to participate in playing music by myself and with others.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will become if I end up having to have a job that has nothing to do with music and that this job will be boring.

When and as I notice myself going into a state of fear - wondering what type of job I will end up with when I am done with school I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I imagine/wonder what kind of job that I may or may not have in the future that I am living in the mind making up ideas that take me away from the physical. I commit myself to live and breathe here in the physical and notice the surroundings around me whether I am in a room where there is a carpet below me or windows around me and or whether I am outside where the trees and plants are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of me living with my ex-girlfriend and working and having no one to play music with - only playing music by myself with no opportunity to play with others because of not knowing anyone who lived in this city and within this I forgive myself to fear that I will end up moving somewhere where I have only myself to create music with.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the memory of living with my ex-girlfriend in a city not going to school and working where I didn’t know anyone to play music with is causing me to fear that the same thing will happen in the future.

When and as I think of the memory of living with my ex-girlfriend while I worked and played music alone in our apartment I stop and I breathe. I realize that I fear going through a similar situation again which is causing me to fear having a job when I get done with school. I commit myself to notice when and as I think of when I  lived with my ex in an apartment and when I notice this memory I bring myself back here to the physical in the form of noticing the room I am in or the life around me when I am outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word ‘job’ with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘job’ as negative within my own mind which is based on the jobs I have had in the past which I did not like.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is nothing wrong with the word ‘job’ and that I have charged this word with a negative value because of the jobs I have had ever since I was 15 years old.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘job’ to the memories of the jobs I have had in the past which I didn’t like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have to work a boring job when I am done with school in order to pay off my student loan debt - thinking that this will take up my time so that I can’t play gigs with other people or even practice my horn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘job’ through judging the word ‘job’ as negative, boring, and a waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear paying off my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will have a job that won’t allow me to pay off my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear paying off my student loans on a monthly basis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the accumulated interest on my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the time that it will take me to pay back my student loans.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I fear what life will be like when I am done with school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fearing what my life will be like when I am done with school is something that is made up in the mind and that is not real and only distracts me from living in the physical .

When and as I notice myself worrying about paying off my student loan debt I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I worry about paying off my student loan debt that I am imagining how the future could be and with this imagining comes other imagined thoughts of living that verify I can't pay off my student loan debt like having a job where I won't be able to afford my own bills and student loan debt and within this I realize that these thoughts are only imagination which is not true. I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical through noticing where I am at and what is around me.



Friday, September 7, 2012

Day 40: The Made Up Bull-Shit We Create

I had an old friend who keeps getting offended by the stuff I post on facebook. We were so called "best friends" ever since grade school until we parted ways after high school. A couple months ago he sent me a message on facebook saying that he can't be my friend because of the stuff that I post on facebook, saying that I judge everyone by the shit that I post. He recently got offended by something else I posted, lol. This has actually supported me in realizing the bullshit that is made up in the mind. There is no such thing as offending another person. It is not possible because if you are offended you will be offended because of the bullshit you have made up in your own mind.

Every judgement and opinion is self-created that is unique to the individual that created it. Judgment is never valid because it is made up in the fucking mind. So it is unique to every individual. This means that no opinions and judgements are real. If opinions and judgements were real then it would be the same for every person here. It is all made up individually.

I realize that when I react to something I am reacting because of the bullshit that I have created in my own mind. The bullshit that exists in my mind is not the same bullshit that exists in another's mind but there is one thing in common - that is the bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the judgments and opinions that I have of other people and myself to be true instead of realizing that judgments and opinions of other people and myself are not real because it is something that is self-created in the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I judge another person or have an opinion about another person or myself or something that this judgment or opinion is not real and is something that I have created in my mind and that this judgement or opinion about myself, another person, or something is a direct confirmation of the bullshit that I have made up in my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I react to someone that I am reacting because of the bullshit that I have created in my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my reactions to other people is their fault instead of realizing that it is not their fault but mine through the judgments and opinions I have created in my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to myself or another person through judgments and opinions without noticing the opinions and judgments inside of me that cause this reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my judgments and opinions of myself and other people to direct and influence how I interact with myself and other people instead of living in the physical as breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the conflict I have started with others and myself because of my self-created opinions and judgments that I believe to be true.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I am responsible for the conflicts I have with other people because of the bullshit that I have created in my own mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand that I have been living my whole life based on the made up bullshit in my mind that I believe to be true. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I judge or have opinions about myself or another person.

I commit myself to investigate why I have judgments and opinions about myself and other people.

I commit myself to sort out the made up bullshit I have created until it is done. 

I commit myself to notice all reactions that I have towards myself, other people, or anything else I observe.

I commit myself  to be here as the breath as I realize the breath supports me in not playing a part in the made up bullshit that I have created in my mind.

When and as I notice myself having opinions or judgments about myself or another person I stop and I breathe. I realize that my own judgments and opinions about myself or other people is not real but something that I have created in the form of characters and that if I react to another person or something I am doing so based on these made up characters that I have created in my own mind. I realize that when I react to another person or myself that this is a direct confirmation of bullshit that I have created in my own mind. I commit myself to physically say aloud "Stop" when and as I notice myself reacting to myself or another person through judgments and opinions which are actually characters and if I am in an area where I can't say "stop" I physically stomp my foot on the ground.









Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Day 39: Sex and Smoking Weed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect smoking weed to the act of having sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself hold onto the memories of me and my ex-girlfriends smoking before having sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memories of me and my ex-girlfriend laying naked together on the bed and smoking weed before and after having sex.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have connected smoking weed to having sex because of the memories of doing so with my ex-girlfriends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can pleasure the girl I am having sex with better if I am high and that I know what she wants because I can "feel" what she wants instead of realizing that this "feel" is based on the high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely smoke weed before having sex because I think it makes sex feel better not realizing that I am limiting the possibility of how sex can really be.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by believing that smoking weed makes sex better that I will believe that not smoking weed before will make sex less enjoyable and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the act of having sex.

When and as I notice myself thinking of the memories of smoking weed and having sex with my ex-girlfriends I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have based the act of having sex on the memories of getting high and having sex with my ex-girlfriends. I realize that connecting the act of sex to getting high actually limits the experience of having sex with another. I commit myself to have sex without getting high as I know this separates me from the very act of having sex.








 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Day 38: "Real" Music?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that jazz and improvised music is so called "real" music and other genres/types of music aren't real music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I know what "real" music is and if others don't listen to this "real" music then they don't know what music is. I realize that when/as I think I know what "real" music is that I am living as/within my own ego which is confirmed by thinking that I know what real music is.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I think I am superior to those who do not listen to the same music as I do.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that studying music ever since I have been a kid has led me to believe that I know what is music and what music is not - judging certain styles/genres of music that I don't like and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing studying music to make me feel superior than those who don't study music.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I think my preferred style of music is superior than another style/genre that I am not in fact living as/within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that no style/genre of music is better or superior than another and that the only reason why I think this is because certain sounds activate specific mind-energies within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that over the years I have programmed myself to like jazz and that repeated listening of a certain style/genre or sound will result in creating mind frequencies that I end up experiencing and react to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that what I feel from listening to music to be real and the emotional/feeling experience I have while listening to certain music is real not realizing that certain sounds activate certain mind-energies within me in that may or may not cause me to have emotions/feelings/thoughts. 

When and as I notice myself reacting to a certain style/genre/type of music I stop and I breathe. I realize that my reaction is based on the memories of studying music in school and what we were taught is good and bad music. I realize that music doesn't create emotions/feelings inside of me but my mind and energies within/as me is what create these emotions/feelings as this is confirmed by why I like some music and not other music and why I react to some music and not other music. I commit myself to listen to all styles/genres/types of music within the breath and to notice the emotional/feeling/thought reactions that come up when listening to any music. I commit myself to investigate what thoughts are behind any reactions I have towards hearing music.


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Day 37: Judging Freedom Fighters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those who are in the military not realizing that everyone here has been programmed since they were in the womb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those who are in the military not realizing that I if I was born with the DNA and programming and environmental factors they were brought up in that I would most surely be living the same as they are.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that myself and all others are living out pre-programmed ways of living so there is no reason for me to judge those in the military as evil as they are living out programmed designs just as I am living out a programmed design of judging them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all of those who are in the military are evil instead of realizing that I am using my opinion of what is right and wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus more on other peoples programming and what is wrong with it instead of my own. 

When and as I notice myself judging those in the military as stupid/dumb or evil - I stop and breathe.  I realize that we are all pre-programmed and that judging another person is of no benefit or help when I would be doing the same as them if I was programmed as they have been. I commit myself to stop the judgment of those in the military as I have no idea what it is like to be in another's shoes of a person who has made the decision to join such a group.


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Day 36: Smoking at the "Corner"


     It is very interesting how there is this rule of no smoking on campus. There are properties that are right in the middle of campus but are not legally a part of campus and this is where all smokers have to go to smoke. LOL! It is on campus, right in the middle of campus, 100 ft from the buildings we take classes in. It is interesting shit! This spot is called the "corner". What is interesting is that I meet someone new everyday while smoking at the "corner". It has become like a hang out spot. Non-smokers even go to the "corner" to socialize with other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the rule of no smoking on campus to be bullshit instead of realizing that "no smoking" in public areas is slowly but surely becoming a part of society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that rules of not being allowed to smoke in public areas is bullshit instead of realizing that the reason I think these rules are bullshit is because of my own self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disobey the rules of "no smoking" on campus because I believe this rule to be bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that rules of "no smoking" to be bullshit because I feel that I should be able to smoke anywhere I want to if I am not blowing smoke in another person's face not realizing that this is a confirmation of my own self-interest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the rule of "no smoking" on campus is actually a gift because we have to go to the "corner" where we are able to meet and interact with new people every single day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the people who smoke and hang out at the "corner" are more friendly than other people who congregate in different areas on campus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can only meet new people who smoke and hang out at the "corner" instead of realizing that when people are forced into a certain area that communication will happen with those who are forced into that area.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand that I am using my own self-interest (smoking) in order to meet, talk, and communicate with new people by believing that going to the "corner" allows me to meet and communicate with new people instead of realizing that you can meet and communicate with new people no matter where you are or where you meet them.

I commit myself to notice when and as my self-interest of habits and desires/wants allow me to meet, talk, and communicate with new people.

I commit myself to follow the rules of "no smoking" - not accepting or allowing myself to smoke in a non-smoking area just because I feel like I need to.

I commit myself to meet, talk, and communicate with new people no matter where I am.