Sunday, September 9, 2012

Day 41: Fear of life after school

The other day in jazz band the teacher was talking about how there is only one rehearsal and then a gig and even sometimes only talking through the tunes and then doing the concert. Hearing this didn’t bother me but hearing this made me worry about the future and what kind of job I will have to do in the future. You have to know the right people at the right time to get a job in music these days. I wondered about what kind of job I will have in the future - fearing that it won’t be music related and that I might be stuck with some boring 8 hour a day/5 days a week job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school”

When and as I notice myself thinking “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school” I stop and breathe. I realize that this thought is about the future and is not real because the future is not here right now and will never be here right now. I commit myself to stop all wondering and thoughts of how the future may or may not be by bringing myself back here to the physical and noticing that I just left the physical by having the very thought “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school” and when noticing that I have these type of thoughts I look at what I can see around me whether it is a room that I am in or the life around me while walking outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my teacher talking about how professionals in big bands rehearse before playing a gig to exist as a trigger point which triggers the thought “I hope I don’t end up having a boring job when I am done with school”

When and as I notice teachers talking about what “professional” musicians do in their jobs I stop and breathe. I realize that this education and my degree is supposed to prepare us for making a living as a musician and I realize that there is no such thing as a professional musician and that those who are “professionals” are called “professionals” because playing music is their job. I commit myself to notice when and as hearing a teacher talk about how what those who play music for a living do for their job cause thoughts or emotions to come up within me and when I notice a thought or emotion I recognize it and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hearing my teachers talk about what those who make a living play music do in their jobs to an emotional experience of fearing the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will end up having a job that I don’t enjoy and that if I have a job that I don’t enjoy that I won’t be able to be a happy person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I end up with a job that I don’t enjoy and that has nothing to do with music that I will not have enough time to participate in playing music by myself and with others.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will become if I end up having to have a job that has nothing to do with music and that this job will be boring.

When and as I notice myself going into a state of fear - wondering what type of job I will end up with when I am done with school I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I imagine/wonder what kind of job that I may or may not have in the future that I am living in the mind making up ideas that take me away from the physical. I commit myself to live and breathe here in the physical and notice the surroundings around me whether I am in a room where there is a carpet below me or windows around me and or whether I am outside where the trees and plants are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of me living with my ex-girlfriend and working and having no one to play music with - only playing music by myself with no opportunity to play with others because of not knowing anyone who lived in this city and within this I forgive myself to fear that I will end up moving somewhere where I have only myself to create music with.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the memory of living with my ex-girlfriend in a city not going to school and working where I didn’t know anyone to play music with is causing me to fear that the same thing will happen in the future.

When and as I think of the memory of living with my ex-girlfriend while I worked and played music alone in our apartment I stop and I breathe. I realize that I fear going through a similar situation again which is causing me to fear having a job when I get done with school. I commit myself to notice when and as I think of when I  lived with my ex in an apartment and when I notice this memory I bring myself back here to the physical in the form of noticing the room I am in or the life around me when I am outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word ‘job’ with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘job’ as negative within my own mind which is based on the jobs I have had in the past which I did not like.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is nothing wrong with the word ‘job’ and that I have charged this word with a negative value because of the jobs I have had ever since I was 15 years old.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘job’ to the memories of the jobs I have had in the past which I didn’t like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have to work a boring job when I am done with school in order to pay off my student loan debt - thinking that this will take up my time so that I can’t play gigs with other people or even practice my horn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘job’ through judging the word ‘job’ as negative, boring, and a waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear paying off my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will have a job that won’t allow me to pay off my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear paying off my student loans on a monthly basis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the accumulated interest on my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the time that it will take me to pay back my student loans.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I fear what life will be like when I am done with school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fearing what my life will be like when I am done with school is something that is made up in the mind and that is not real and only distracts me from living in the physical .

When and as I notice myself worrying about paying off my student loan debt I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I worry about paying off my student loan debt that I am imagining how the future could be and with this imagining comes other imagined thoughts of living that verify I can't pay off my student loan debt like having a job where I won't be able to afford my own bills and student loan debt and within this I realize that these thoughts are only imagination which is not true. I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical through noticing where I am at and what is around me.



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