Sunday, October 28, 2012

Day 74: I am not good at Reading and Hate School

I saw a vlog by Matti Freeman called "Hate school? How to Enjoy Studying and Reading" that was very cool and I could relate with his experience with reading and/or studying. Within watching this vlog I realize that I have placed labels/definitions on myself that don't allow me to read effectively. The definitions that I have created about myself are holding me back before I even start to read something for a class. So within this blog I am going to forgive myself for the things that make reading difficult for me, the labels/definitions that I beLIEve I am to be that have an effect on reading, and some other things. So here I go.


Link to Matti's vlog: 2011 Hate school? How to Enjoy Studying and Reading

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while reading ignore the words that I don't know the definition of and to skip over them and keep reading therefore not understanding what I am reading.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I can look up the definitions of a word that I don't know when and as I am reading.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that looking up a word whose meaning I don't know while reading will be met with resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the words/vocabulary are the basic building blocks of reading and that if I don't understand certain words then I won't understand what is being read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a 'creative musician' who doesn't need to read the things that I don't want to read because I am supposedly a 'creative musician'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'creative musicians' don't need to read the things that "academic" people read and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those who aren't in some form of the arts as "academic" people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is not "academic" and not good at the subjects we learn in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the current education system not realizing that I use this anger as an excuse/justification of why I am not good at reading and thinking that reading things we have to read in school is a waste of time.

I realize that not knowing the definitions of certain words while reading will make reading seem like a hassle because I am not understanding what it is that I am actually reading.

I realize, see, and understand that labeling/defining myself as "creative" and others as "academic" stops me from being able to just be here and read and that these definitions I have placed on myself and others are connected to emotions which further stops me from being able to be here and simply just read. 

I commit myself to stop and look up the definitions of those words that I don't know the meaning of when and as I am reading.

I commit myself to know the meanings/definitions of the words of a book that I am reading therefore making reading more enjoyable as I will be able to understand exactly what is being said in the book that I am reading. 

I commit myself to stop all anger that I have towards the education system that exists today through breathing when and as this emotional experience comes up within/as me. 

I commit myself to stop reading page after page of whatever it is that I read, skipping the point that I don't know the definition/meaning of certain words, thinking that by just reading page after page I will understand the material that was just read.

I commit myself to notice when and as I have emotions/thoughts of defining myself as "creative" and others as "academic" that I place on myself and others. 

More to come

 











Friday, October 26, 2012

Day 73: Age part 2

When and as I notice myself judging myself based on my age while around those whom are younger than me at the university - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that how many years I have been here on earth doesn't determine anything about who I am - It is just a number and I realize that when someone asks me "How old are You?" while at the university I go into a state of hesitation, hesitating to tell them how old I currently am. I commit myself to when someone asks me "how old are you?" to answer right away and stop all the hesitation that may or may not come up within me.

When and as I notice myself judging another based on age, thinking that it is a waste of time to have a conversation with them because they are younger than I am - I Stop and I Breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I am judging others based on their age just as how I fear being judged based on my age. I commit myself to talk to anyone no matter how old they are and to stop all judgments that may or may not come up about them and within this I realize, see, and understand that by automatically going into a conversation when and as someone is trying to have one with me that I am stopping thoughts of judgment towards this person by participating in the physical act of speaking. 



Thursday, October 25, 2012

Day 72: Age

Age - I am at college. I went to college right after high school for two years and then quit. I then just worked for a few years and took a gen ed here or there and here I am to be done after the next semester. So everyone I meet is a few years younger than me. I do have friends my age but very few. One of the teachers I take lessons from used to always say, "You should be done by now" and I have created this emotional bullshit in my mind where if someone asks me how old I am I don't really want to tell them. I am 26, lol. When I say that I am 26 I have this feeling that they will think I am to old to be in school, ya know stupid bullshit like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the numbers that are placed on our lives as the years go by is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me "How old are you?" to go into a state of fear of telling them my current age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my age when and as I am around those at the university. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I am around different people not in the university environment that I don't fear saying how old I am - only when I meet those whom I meet at the university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on their age not realizing, seeing, and understanding that how old a person is something we have made up in the mind and is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is a waste of time to get to know someone who is much younger than me at the university not realizing that I am judging them based on an imaginary number that is supposed to determine how mature they are as a person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am judging others based of their age just as I fear being judged by my age by others at the university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my teacher telling me "You should be done by now" and after this was told to me going into a defensive state of mind.

 


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day 71: Desire for relationship

I recently went through an experience with a female and wanted to go into a relationship. I haven’t met someone whom I could talk with for hours in years. We fooled around, got all cuddly, held hands, etc…. All this time she had a boyfriend that lives out of town and I thought “What the fuck am I doing here?” “Why am I doing this when she has a boyfriend?” and later I said I can’t do this anymore because it is not right or honest at all (even though I still wanted to). So I desire/want to be with someone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X through accepting and allowing myself to define my happiness within being in a relationship with X outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X through accepting and allowing myself to define my support with being in a relationship with X, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship with another person in order to be happy and fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a relationship outside of myself, therefore separating myself from myself by searching for something outside of myself in order to think I will be more happy than I am now by being in a relationship.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy another person’s love that they have for me instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that this ‘love’ is not real but a made up idea created in the mind and not realizing that the only ‘love’ that can be ‘love’ is self love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search/seek out a relationship with another which shows me that I am actually asking myself for a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with me which has caused me to search for a relationship outside of myself so that I can experience intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a relationship outside of myself in order to not feel lonely and believing that if I was in a relationship that I won’t be lonely anymore not realizing that if I go into an agreement/relationship with this mindset that I will still feel lonely as I do now after some time goes by in the relationship/agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship so I can have sex on a regular basis in order for me to feel complete and happy with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am following the sexual energy that exists within and as me by the very desire/want to be in a relationship with X and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my eyes deceive me by seeing an attractive girl and if she is “cool” according to me I will automatically try to go into a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea of having sex with another control me into wanting to go into a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of me and X fooling around, cuddling, and waking up next to each other in the morning and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect these memories to a feeling of being satisfied and fulfilled.




When and as I notice myself wanting/desiring to go into a relationship with another person - I stop and I breathe.

I realize, see, and understand that if I was intimate with and as myself I would not be seeking/searching out a relationship with an attractive and 'cool' girl and I realize that I automatically want/desire to go into a relationship/agreement with a girl that I can get along with like a guy friend and who is attractive.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts/wants/desires/feelings of wanting to go into a relationship/agreement by establishing a relationship with myself.

I commit myself to notice when and as I desire/want to go into a relationship/agreement with another.

I commit myself to investigate myself and to establish a relationship with myself as I realize that this is the only way to stop my wants/desires of wanting to go into a relationship with a girl who I get along with like a close guy friend and who is physically attractive.

I commit myself to notice when and as my sexual energy causes thoughts that lead to me wanting/desiring to go into a relationship/agreement. 

I commit myself to bring myself back here in the physical when and as I notice thoughts/feelings/wants/desires of being in an relationship/agreement with another person by noticing/seeing what is physically around me at the time these thoughts come up within/as me.













Saturday, October 20, 2012

Day 70: What the Fuck is Self-Honesty? Part 2

This is a continuation Day 69: What the Fuck is Self-Honesty?

 Here I am continuing with Self-Honesty. I read a blog by Arvdas Platakis called Day 165: Remember Self-honesty in where he talked about absolute self-honesty and in doing this we will be faced with the dark side of things. So living within and as absolute self-honesty is not going to be a pretty thing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that living within/as absolute self-honesty that I will have to face the dark side of things which will not be an enjoyable experience but is necessary in order to live within/as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within/as self-honesty when I feel like it not realizing that I will have to go through the point again and again until I face myself within/as absolute self-honesty in every moment not just the times where I feel like it.



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that by living within/as self-honesty when I feel like it that I am doing so based on energy because of not being self-honest during the times when I don't feel like it thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect energy to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the dark side of myself within/as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been living self-honesty within/as energy meaning I am not living within/as absolute self-honesty which only creates cycles after cycles and never actually moving through the points in which I am facing.

When and as I notice myself going into a state of fear or not feeling like to live within/as absolute self-honesty based on energy with the current point I am working on, I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that living within/as absolute self-honesty means I have to face myself when it seems not easy to and the moments when it doesn't seem easy to which will take me to a dark place and I realize, see, and understand that this is the only way to live/within as absolute self-honesty. I commit myself live within/as absolute self-honesty when and as I am working on a point and resistance comes up through noticing the lack of energy that comes up within/as me when I am facing this certain point.








Thursday, October 18, 2012

Day 69: What the Fuck is Self-Honesty?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what self-honesty is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the difference between self-honesty and honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that self honesty means facing one's self in every moment of breath when a point shows up and we are a faced with a choice to either keep living the same pattern or walk through it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live day by day, thinking that I will change just because I am living day by day and over time things will change because of the time factor instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that self-honesty is taking responsibility for the things that only I-myself am aware of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire justification from others for changing myself in ways that are best for all instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that if I want/desire justification from others that I am changing then I am not living withing/as the principles of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that living in ways that is best for all needs no justification as I realize that if one wants/desires justification then one is living based on desire/wants and self-interest and not in fact what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being self-honest means taking responsibility for one's self - as in what only 'You' know about and accept and allow.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Day 68: Fear of being seen with pimples continued

 This is a continuation from the post entitled Day 67: Fear of being seen with pimples

I commit myself to face my surroundings when and as I have a pimple on my face as I realize/see/understand that by doing this I am facing myself.


I commit myself to notice when and as the self-created images that I have created in my mind have an influence on myself and my daily life.



I commit myself to notice when and as I have a pimple on my face and feel scared to be around other people because I think they might think I am ugly because of the bump on my face as I see/realize/understand that a pimple is actually a form of support by challenging the made up image of how I want others to see me and how I see myself.

I commit myself to investigate all of the self-created images oh how I want myself to be seen by others which are created in the mind and I commit myself to notice when and as these thoughts/ideas/mental pictures/images come up within and as me.

I commit myself to investigate why I feel scared being around people when I don't look how I want to look according to the self-created image I have created in my mind.



Day 67: Fear of being seen with pimples

I remember doing a vlog during "Fear Week" where we were exposing childhood or current fears. The vlog was called "Fear of being seen with pimples". So right now I have another big zit on my face and fear being seen and others noticing it. It is quite silly because I decided to shave my hair so I could face these types of things. The thoughts like "What will others think?" Facing myself in who I am, not based on some made up idea of how I picture myself or want others to see me. So this pimple is actually a form of support. If I fear being seen with a big ass zit on my face then it shows me something about myself. It shows me that I am wanting to look a certain way which is created through the mind. The mind is quite a Mind-Fuck, LOL!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen with a pimple on my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being around others when and as I have a pimple on my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think others will judge me as 'ugly' if they see me with a pimple on my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that I fear being seen with a pimple on my face because I have created an image in my mind of how I like to see myself and how I want others to see myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand that this pimple on my face right now is actually a form of support by showing me how the self-created image of how I want others to picture me and how I picture myself has been messed with which confirms that I am living according to a made up image in my mind that has nothing to do with the physical but only the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that having a pimple on my face and fear being seen with this big pimple on my face is showing me to myself by challenging the self-created mental image of how I think of myself and how I picture myself to be seen in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image in my mind as how I picture myself as being acceptable looking and what is not acceptable looking and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image in my mind of how I want others to see me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize when and as my own self created image of how I want others to see me is activated and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this program/mind system continue running within/as me. 









Monday, October 15, 2012

Day 66: There is just so much to take on - part 3

 Continued from : Day 8: There is just so much to take on
                           Day 65: There is just so much to take on part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotional feeling of overwhelmingness when I see and realize that I have accepted and allowed a lot of bullshit in my life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that we can only take on one point at a time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand how the breath assists us in this process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand that when I have emotional feelings of too-much-ness/overwhelmingness that I have not been aware of my own breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this is a process that has to be walked breath by breath and one point at a time.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want all the things I accept and allow within and as me to not exist anymore, not realizing that this want/desire for the things that I accept and allow within/as me to go away all at once was only a thought.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in my mind how things will be different after sorting out the point that I am working on instead of realizing that it doesn't work like that. Taking on one point at a time can only be done through space and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, see, and understand that by imagining the point I am working on to be sorted out that I am in fact not walking the point in space and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the points that I am currently working on to be removed without realizing that it has to be done in space and time which is different than imagining the points I am working on to be sorted out.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that when I am working on one point at a time that other points will arise. I realize that when working on one point and sorting it out that another point that is connected to it will most likely show itself.

I forgive myself for that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am investigating what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and that sorting this out is going to take time. 

When and as I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of thinking that there is just so much to take on - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that there is much to be sorted out and that the only way to sort myself out is to do it breath by breath, point by point, day by day, and I realize that more points will be opened up along the way.

When and as I notice myself imagining myself sorting out a point I am currently working with - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that when I imagine myself having something sorted out in my life that it is not sorted out and I imagine it sorted out in order to make myself 'feel' as if it is sorted out.

I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical when and as I notice myself going into the mind through focusing my attention on the point that I am currently investigating and sorting out.






Sunday, October 14, 2012

Day 65: There is just so much to take on part 2

This is a continuation from the blog entitled Day 8: There is just so much to take on

     Lately I have been having feelings of overwhelmingness/too-much-ness. This hasn't happened in a while. Now I have multiple points that I am working on and a recent one has came up lately and this feeling of having so much to take on is relevant. There is a certain amount of energy that is involved in this that does end up in me having highs and lows and virtually no stability. I worry about these highs and lows now and haven't in a while. I realize that living here in this reality that I will be faced with different and new points through space and time. This recent point that has came up hit me in the face and was something rather unexpected.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Day 64: Falling for the Forked Tongue

 Lately I have realized that I am the creator of my feelings/emotions/thoughts/pictures in my mind that I have towards other people. This bullshit all happens in the mind. It is self-created and believed to be true while it  only happens in the mind and is then made to feel "real" in this physical reality. And within this I see, realize, and understand that when people say nice words to me and seem interested in me that I create these feelings/emotions/thoughts/pictures in my mind towards these people which results in me thinking that they are good/trustworthy people just because nice words were said and that they all of a sudden seem interested in me. When and as I noticed the other side of the forked tongue I ignored it because I felt that this person was true just because of the beautiful words that were used. I was blinded by the positive/nice side of the forked tongue.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am the one who is the creator of my own feelings/emotions/thoughts/pictures in my mind that I have towards other people and myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another person has done something to me which allows me to be sad not realizing, seeing, and understanding that it was the thoughts that I have had toward this person that allowed these feelings/emotions/thoughts to cause an emotional experience of sadness to happen within and as me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words of others to manipulate me into having good/beautiful thoughts/feelings towards the people who use these words just because they used good words and seem interested in me not realizing that I was actually accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my own self by hearing these good words and the interest they took in me through having backchat about this or that person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a feeling of happiness when someone says good things towards me or shows an interest in me not realizing that if I was intimate with myself that these feelings would not come up within/as me.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the other side of the forked tongue when and as I see it within another and decide to follow the made up thoughts/feelings that I have created in the mind because of the nice words that were spoken to me or an interest another person has shown in me not realizing that ignoring the other side of the forked tongue will be used in the physical soon or later enough and if there was backchat that I have created in my mind then an emotional experience of sadness, or any other type of emotion may come up when the other side of the forked tongue is manifested in the physical. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, see, and understand that backchat towards another person results in feelings/emotions about this other person that only ends up in me hurting me through the backchat that I have had towards another person.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am creating thoughts towards another person and myself whether they are positive or negative and to investigate the feelings/emotions that these thoughts create.

I commit myself to notice when and as I believe that another person has harmed me in an emotional way and within this I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I have backchat about another person as I realize that backchat towards another person only leads to emotions/feelings that take you out of being here in the physical and going into the mind.

I commit myself to notice and investigate when and as I feel happy towards another person because they seem interested in me and use nice words towards me therefore not accepting and allowing myself to participate in the forked tongue approach that others may use.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 63: Don't like Reading and prefer Hearing part 2

 This is a continuation Day 60: Don't like Reading and prefer Hearing
                                 Day 61: More on Reading

What is interesting is that I don't have to use a program like "free natural reader" in order to 'Hear' what I am reading. I can read the shit out loud therefore I am actually hearing and reading at the same time. This is actually participating in the physical through the very act of voicing the words instead of using a computer voice to hear it, lol. This is something that I am going to have to experiment with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that I can read whatever it is that I am reading out loud.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that reading out loud is a physical act as compared to using a program like "free natural reader" that allows me to sit back and listen which makes it easier to go into the mind and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the program "free natural reader" when I don't 'feel' like reading instead of realizing that I can read aloud whatever it is that I am reading.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that with reading whatever it is that I am reading out loud allows me to hear and read at the same time which makes it easier to notice when and as I go into the mind and drift off into thoughts and backchat. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that reading whatever it is that I am reading out loud is going to be the solution to my want/desire/preference to hearing things instead of reading them not realizing that this want/desire/preference was only a thought of how I want automatic satisfaction that has occurred through going into the mind instead of actually walking through it in space and time.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my patterns/habits to go away quickly instead of realizing that my patterns/habits that I participate in were formed in space and time and that the only way to change my patterns/habits is through space and time not through going into the mind with a made up image of how I want/desire my patterns to change.

When and as I notice myself wanting/desiring to use the free natural reader program in order to hear what it is that I am reading - I stop and I breathe. I realize that reading something out loud is something that I am going to have to experiment with and that reading something, whatever it is, out loud actually places me in the act of participating in the physical by using my voice. I commit myself to experiment with reading things out loud when and as I feel the need to listen to something using the free natural reader program.

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into the mind while reading silently or out loud and within this I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice that I am not understanding what it is that I am reading.

I commit myself to notice when and as I desire/want automatic solutions to the patterns/habits that I participate in and within this I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as these feelings of wanting/desiring my patterns that I participate in to automatically go away, realizing that the automatic want/desire of my patterns/habits to go away is a thought and that changing my patterns/habits can only be changed by walking here in the physical, breath by breath.








Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Day 62: Weed and Friends

 This is a continuation of the blog entitled Day 21: Weed and social circles

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that stopping using a substance such as weed or alcohol will result in changes in the people we interact with whom we call our 'friends'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that even if you stop using a substance and are still 'friends' with the people you used that substance with that the interaction with these 'friends' will be different than they were before when the substance was used with those 'friends'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that I was only hanging out with certain people because of smoking weed and that our interactions were based on getting high together.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that friendships based on using a drug are only friendships based on self-interest and if you take the drug away the friendship ends therefore confirming that the 'friendship' was never real or in anyway what is best for all thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang out with others based on my own self-interest.

I realize, see, and understand that when you stop using a drug/substance that your friendships and world around you will inevitably change because there has been a mind system/program that has been removed.

I commit myself to investigate the relationships that I have with 'friends' and if any 'friends' or 'relationships' that I have with others is based on anything, be it mind systems/programs or energy - and within this I commit myself to live here within and as oneness and equality in all friendships as I realize, see, and understand that this is what is best not only for myself but also what is best for all.
















Sunday, October 7, 2012

Day 61: More on Reading

 This is a continuation from the blog entitled Day 60: Don't Like Reading and prefer Hearing

Why do I like reading certain things and not other things? When looking at myself I realize that I have created things in polarity. I have connected reading things that I like to a positive feeling and things that I don't like to a negative feeling but I have actually charged the word "reading" with a negative value. I have done this because I use the justification of preferring to listen to something rather than reading something. Reading schoolwork is also something I don't enjoy reading unless it is philosophy or something like that. I am taking music history right now and don't enjoy it. So both preferring to hear something instead of reading it and the idea of schoolwork is part of why I have charged the word "reading" to a negative value and therefore this is what comes up in my mind which is why I am selective with what I read. So this is like a type of mental program that exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect reading things that I enjoy to a positive energetic feeling and reading things that I don't like to a negative energetic feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "reading" to classes that I like and classes that I don't like not realizing the role of polarity that exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that preferring to hear something over reading it is why I have charged the word "reading" to a negative value.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I think of myself as an auditory/kinesthetic learner and use this to justify why I would rather hear something or do something rather than read something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memories of taking online tests that tell you what kind of learner you are - and the results being an auditory/kinesthetic learner to exist within and as me and I realize that this is another reason why I have charged the word "reading" to a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can't read effectively because I think of myself as an auditory/kinesthetic type of learner not realizing this is simply a mind program/system that exists within and as me that limits me from reading effectively.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I have charged the word "reading" to a negative value because of reading for classes and when and as I think of doing homework this mind system/program is activated within and as me that limits me from reading effectively.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that liking to read certain things and not others is simply a mind system/program that works in polarity.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that this mind system/program exists within and as me.

When and as I notice this mind system/program being activated within and as me due to reading for classes that I don't like or like - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is simply a mind system/program that exists within and as me that functions in polarity. I commit myself to recognize this mind system/program and to push through reading even when I don't want to or stop reading the things I like so much after having understood the material I just read, stopping the system of polarity that exists within and as me.

When and as I have thoughts of thinking of myself as an kinesthetic/auditory type of learner - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a justification for me not wanting to read the things I don't enjoy that holds me back before I even start reading. I commit myself to stop all justifications for why I am not going to enjoy reading something through the breath and through reading whatever it is that I am reading in a slow manner not accepting and allowing myself to miss what I was reading simply by reading things slow.

When and as I notice not wanting to read something when I can listen to it through using the free natural reader program - I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a form of justification that I have created over many years because of thinking of myself as an auditory/kinesthetic type of learner. I realize that I will be met with resistance when and as I read something that I don't like. I commit myself to push through reading what it is that needs to be read as I realize this is the only way to slowly but surely to remove this mind system/program that exists within and as me.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 60: Don't like Reading and prefer Hearing

I have always preferred listening to something rather than reading something ever since I was a child. Today I sometimes copy/paste things that I don't feel like reading into this program called "free natural reader" so I can hear a computer type of voice speaking. It seems that I can only read things that I am interested in and if I am not interested in the thing I am reading my mind will drift away and have to re-read certain sections because I missed it. This is something anyone can probably relate to. Say for instance, you read a paragraph in a book or something online and when you get done reading it you don't remember what you just read. This shows a lack of attention and/or going into the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can only read things that I am interested in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss reading certain things that I am not interested in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can't hold my attention long enough on reading something that I don't find interesting not realizing I have set myself up for not being able to hold my attention on reading things that I don't find interesting through the initial thought of thinking "I can't hold my attention on reading this because it is boring."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that reading what I only want to read is based on energy and self-interest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that reading things that I don't necessarily want to read is actually a form of self-support and it is me pushing myself to do something that I don't want/desire feel like doing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the connection between doing things I don't like doing and discipline as I realize being disciplined means doing things that one doesn't want to do when the time comes that they should be done.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the thoughts of not wanting to read something when I prefer to hear it is actually me calling out for me to take self-responsibility for the things that I don't want to.

 I realize that there is nothing wrong with using the free natural reader program but to use it because a feeling comes up of not wanting to read something because I don't think I can hold my attention long enough through the reading is actually a sign that I need to do the things that I don't enjoy doing and is a sign of not being disciplined.

I commit myself to read something everyday that I don't think I can hold my attention on besides the homework that I have.

I commit myself to notice when I don't feel like reading something that would be beneficial to read or necessary to read such as homework and within this I commit myself to push myself to read when and as I notice this type of resistance that comes up within/as me.



 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 59: She makes me Nervous

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was worrying about my friend whose hair I shaved because I like her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotional feeling of nervousness when I am around this girl that I like.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this feeling of nervousness that comes up while I am around her is because I want her to like me resulting in me not being my true self while I am around her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want another person to like me instead of realizing that wanting another person to like me shows that I am not liking myself and being intimate with myself. I realize that if I was being truly intimate with myself that wanting another person to like me would never come up within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I go into an agreement with this girl that I like that I have to be intimate with me instead of her as I realize that being intimate with myself is being intimate with her and is what is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about going into an agreement/relationship with the girl I like instead of living here in the physical breath by breath not realizing that I am going into the mind participating in an emotional experience of worry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get really excited about going into an agreement/relationship with the girl I like as I realize that this feeling of excitement will eventually run out and that an agreement is best when the two individuals are self-intimate with themselves.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 58: I Shaved her Hair

Recently I have shaved one of my friend's hair and it was a really cool experience. A few other friends were there with us to watch this transformation of having long hair to hardly any hair. It was fucking awesome to shave a woman's hair. We all stayed up all night and had a great time talking with each other and sharing ourselves with each other. The female's hair I shaved and I didn't fall asleep and I noticed myself while going to classes the next day with no sleep wondering how her day was going and kind of worrying about her. I was worrying about what other people were going to say to her or think about her. Why the fuck was I worrying so much. I am sure the sleep point didn't help because I ended up getting very slap happy in my classes. But this is something I will be investigating.... to be continued

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 57: I am cool because I smoke weed cont...

This is a continuation from Day 56: I am cool because I smoke weed





I commit myself to investigate all definitions that I have defined myself as and how these definitions have came about and how they were formed.


I commit myself to stop all thoughts/ideas in my mind about being special and wanting to be noticed by others as I realize that no one is specifically special and that collectively life is special because life is life and to think of myself as special or important is disregarding life.

I commit myself to notice the thoughts that I have that are based on self-interest and how these thoughts have an effect on my physical living/being.

I commit myself to investigate myself in all dimensions and I realize that there are many dimensions that I have created ever since I have existed in this physical reality and I realize that this is the starting point of being intimate with myself and actually caring for myself and taking responsibility for myself.




Monday, October 1, 2012

Day 56: I am cool because I smoke weed

 This is a continuation Day 22: Weed and "Creativity"
                                 Day 23: Weed and "Creativity" cont...
                                 Day 52: Smelling Weed

I have been giving things away that remind me of weed ever since I quit. I just gave away a pipe and grinder and a poster of Bob Marley smoking a bong. I have had this poster for many years, ever since I started college. I remember thinking that I was cool or “open minded” because I had this poster. I wanted other people who came to my dorm to notice this poster in my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in my mind as an “open minded person” because of smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to think of me as an “open minded person” who smokes weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am unique and different than other people because of smoking weed, thinking that smoking weed makes me different and an “open minded person”.




I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have defined myself in my own mind as a stoner who is an “open minded person” thinking that being an “open minded person” because of smoking weed will help me meet cool people and that these people will like me because of  this "stoner" character I was living out.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have defined myself as a stoner because I want to stand out and be different compared to other people and within this I realize that thinking I am unique or different or open minded because I smoke weed has nothing to do with being unique/different or open minded and that this want/desire of wanting to be seen as different, unique, or open minded is based on me wanting to be seen as 'special' as compared to others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that wanting to be seen as "special" in the eyes of other people is something made up in the mind that is based on total self-interest and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want to be seen as special instead of living here in the physical within equality and oneness. I realize that no one is special and that real living is living here in the physical within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that wanting/desiring others to think of me as special or unique is because I have not yet cared for me and been intimate with myself. I realize that when we want others to see us as special/unique/different that we do so because we haven't lived and care for our own selves and that we will need something outside of us to make up for the reason why we don't care for ourselves.