Friday, November 30, 2012

Day 91: Self Honesty is what? [Part Three]


I commit myself to stop justifying to myself in my mind of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person and I commit myself to stop using justifications towards other people of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person.

I commit myself to stop and check myself to see if I am being 'honest' from a starting point of fear.

I commit myself to stop and check myself to see if I am being 'honest' in a way of justification, justifying why I am a good or moral person.

I commit myself to stop justifying to myself in my mind of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person and I commit myself to stop using justifications towards other people of why I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am manipulating others into wanting them to think I am a good, moral, or 'honest' person and justify why to others in the form of manipulation.

I commit myself to before speaking or acting to make sure my starting point is of self honesty as in what is best for all.


When and as I notice myself going into a state of wanting/desiring to be 'honest' in the form of justifying  to myself or manipulating others to try and make them think that I am a 'honest' and a good person because I am honest - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that justifying my own 'honesty' means that I am self dishonest otherwise I would have no reason to justify my 'honesty' and I realize that justifying myself to another is a form of manipulation by the very act of justifying my 'honesty' to another.  I commit myself to stop and check myself to see if I am being 'honest' in a way of justification, justifying why I am a good or moral person to myself in my mind or to another and if I see/notice myself justifying myself to myself or another to stop it when and as I notice myself doing it by saying Stop or physically stomping my foot on the ground to make myself see that I went into the mind and bring myself back here to the physical through the act of saying Stop or stomping my foot on the ground.

When and as I go into a state of wanting to speak what is on my mind to another person - I stop and I breathe and make sure my starting point is what is best for all within/as self honesty. I realize, see, and understand that being self-honest within the principle of what is best for all life means that I will have to stop and make sure that when I open my mouth and speak to another that I am doing so self honestly and not just speaking verbal diarrhea. I commit myself to before acting or speaking to another person to check out my starting point and to see if my actions and words I use are self honest within the principle of what is best for all and after checking myself to see if the words I speak to another are not self honest to keep my mouth shut as I realize that I am usually speaking verbal diarrhea.









Thursday, November 29, 2012

Day 90: Self Honesty is what [Part Two]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of telling the truth to my parents for something I did wrong and remembering my father saying “You told the truth and didn’t lie and that is good” and after telling the truth having a feeling of relief after I told the truth and I now see, realize, and understand that it was a point of guilt and a fear of being punished that caused me to tell the truth and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define honesty as telling the truth and speaking what is on my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that telling the truth that exists within/as my mind at all times is a good thing instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have been taught to tell the truth and that if I don’t tell the truth I will be punished not realizing that the whole point of being honest/telling the truth was based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being honest as in speaking what is on my mind as the moment it comes up is something that makes me a good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “At least I am being honest and telling the truth” and thinking that telling the truth is a moral action that makes me a good person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I use being ‘honest’ as a justification towards others so that I seem like a good person because I am telling the truth or being ‘honest’ not realizing, seeing, and understanding that in doing this I am wanting the other person to see/perceive me as a honest or good person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be honest from a starting point of manipulating others into thinking I am a good person just because I am apparently 'honest' and tell it like it is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that justifying to myself or another my own 'honesty' is a form of manipulation by the very starting point of justifying my 'honesty'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Self Honesty is doing what is best for all life and that I can check out in any moment if I am living within/as the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the difference between 'Honesty' and 'Self Honesty'.

To be cont...




Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Day 89: Self-Honesty is what?


I have always thought it to be good to be honest, to always tell the truth in all situations. I remember a situation when I was younger where I told the truth to my parents about something wrong I did. I don’t remember exactly what it was but I do remember my father saying something like “You told the truth and didn’t lie - so that is good”. So I was admitting to whatever it was (I can’t remember) that I did wrong. I remember not wanting to tell my parents because I would have normally been punished but this time my dad said “You told the truth and didn’t lie - so that is good”.

Now that I look at my reasons for being honest I realize that it is always a justification to make me seem like I am a good person. I sometimes think, “At least I told the truth”. Why would I have to justify in my mind or to another for telling the truth or being honest? The reason why I justify my ‘honesty’ is because of my self dishonesty. This is actually a point of manipulation because I justify to people my ‘honesty’ in order to make them want to like me just because I am ‘honest’.

I now see, realize, and understand that honesty and Self Honesty are two completely different things. My honesty has been to/towards authority/parents/the system. Self Honesty is doing what is best for all and has nothing to do with honesty towards the system or authority. So that means that if you are doing what is best for all then you will be working with those in the system. It means checking out who you are within not only the environment around you but all life as it exists here and now.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Day 88: Infatuation

I stayed with my parents for the thanksgiving holiday. We went to a Chinese restaurant and I noticed myself looking at this girl many tables away from where we were sitting. I kept looking at her and was very attracted to her and started to think about infatuation. Was this infatuation or simply that I thought a girl was attractive? I realize that I was infatuated with her because if I see a girl whom is attractive I simply notice it and that is it, but I kept looking at the girl. It was as if I wanted to get to know her just by how she looked on the outside. I have been writing about infatuation and how I have been infatuated by other females and then went into a relationship based on the infatuation but I now see and realize how this comes about because I just experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "She looks very interesting and cute".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed how a girl looks on the outside and how attractive I think she is to exist as a trigger point, which triggers the thought, "She looks very interesting and cute" not realizing that it was how she looked on the outside and how attractive I thought she was that made me think she "looks interesting".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to want to get to know a girl just because she looks cute.


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when and as I go into a state of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated by another girl just by how she looks on the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought "She looks very interesting and cute" to a feeling of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the difference between seeing a girl whom I am attracted too or think is cute and being infatuated by a girl whom I think is cute and attractive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I see an attractive/cute girl I see her and that is it, it is done and if I am infatuated I will keep looking at the girl or the girl will be on my mind after physically seeing her.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that another person cannot ever cause me to be infatuated but that I am the one who creates the infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate why I go into a state of infatuation when seeing a girl that I think is cute.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that going into states of being infatuated is only a distraction from what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become infatuated by another instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that being infatuated by another only exists because I fear facing my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my self-dishonesty and use things like infatuation in order to hide my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become infatuated by another in order to blind myself from my own self-dishonesty.

I realize, see, and understand that another person cannot cause me to be infatuated and that I am the one who creates the infatuation that I feel towards another person.

I commit myself to notice when and as I become infatuated by a girl whom I think is attractive and cute.

I commit myself to notice the difference between when and as I see an attractive/cute female and being infatuated when seeing an attractive/cute girl.

I commit myself to stop myself when and as I notice myself in a state of infatuation by the sight of seeing an attractive/cute female.

I commit myself to investigate why I go into states of being infatuated by another female and I commit myself to investigate all things that distract me from my own self-dishonesty.

 






Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 87: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 12]

After the relationship ended with the specific ex partner I talked about in the blogs Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 9] and Day 86: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 11] I became quite angry. I found out a few months later that she was pregnant and engaged. This made me very confused and angry. It didn't make any sense to me. I remember thinking "I thought I knew her. How could she change so quickly?" She ended up having a baby and is now married. When I found out she was pregnant and engaged to be married I immediately started to think about her mother. We would talk every now and then on FB or on the phone after we broke up. One day I let this anger possess me and sent her a nasty message on FB. Something like, "Your going to turn out just like your mom and sister and have many divorces. Just wait 10 years until your world falls apart you redneck". I was possessed by this anger one day and just went off on her. We haven't talked since. I was finding reasons to justify my emotions, they were pretty strong emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when I found out from a friend that my ex partner was pregnant and engaged to be married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ex partner screwed me over instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that our relationship was based on dependence on each other and since we couldn't see each other that often the energy that was normally created while being around each other ran out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ex partner and I were in 'Love' and because we were in 'Love' thinking, "how could she do this to me?" instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this 'Love' was all based on energy and hiding from my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my ex partner's mother and sister when I found out she was pregnant and engaged not realizing that finding out that my ex partner who was pregnant and engaged triggered me to justify the sadness and anger I experienced from my ex partner and I breaking up and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find reasons to justify my anger and sadness instead of realizing that I am responsible for how I created these emotions/feelings/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the anger I felt when I found out that my ex partner was pregnant and engaged to lead me to sending a nasty/angry message to her not realizing that I was possessed by my anger and let this anger take my body over not realizing, seeing, or understanding that I have the breath which is here as support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the only one who is responsible for my anger and emotions.

I commit myself to stop blaming other people for my emotions of anger and sadness.

I commit myself to not accept or allow energy to be a part of my interaction with other people and I commit myself to stop any energy that may come up within/as me that I feel towards another person through the breath.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am living within/as energy with those whom I interact with and to stop accepting and allowing this energy to possess me as I realize that this energy will eventually run out.

I commit myself to stop and notice when and as I am using reasons as to why my emotions/feelings/thoughts are justified and I commit myself to take self-responsibility for my own self-created emotions/feelings/thoughts as I realize/see/understand that I am the one who created these thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I commit myself to not accept or allow the anger that exists within and as me towards another lead/cause me to do something in this possessed state of mind.




Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 86: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 11]




This is a continuation: Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 9]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become infatuated by how my ex partner looked on the outside and then pursue a relationship based on this infatuation not seeing/realizing/understanding that the whole starting point of going into this relationship was based on infatuation and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that infatuation is actually something that distracts me from my own self-dishonesty. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know a person before becoming partners and just jumping right into a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the issues with my past partner when and as they came up and instead put them off because I didn't feel like facing my partner and myself at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally attached to my past partners.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional state of sadness when I realized my plans of having my ex partner come live with me failed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional state of sadness when my ex partner broke up with me and accepting and allowing this sadness to turn into anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past partner was in 'Love' with me and that we would always be together and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in 'Love' with my past partner instead of realizing that this 'Love' was actually a fear of being alone and living without her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the sadness inside me when my ex partner broke up with me to turn into anger and then turning this anger into justifications of as why she wanted to break up with me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger turn into thoughts of blaming my past partner for breaking up with me because her mother had a divorce and in turn blaming my past partner's mother for the reason of her breaking up with me. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I become infatuated and have feelings of infatuation towards another female and I commit myself to stop all of these thoughts and feelings of infatuation when and as they come up within me by noticing that I have went into a state of being infatuated.

I commit myself to not accept or allow my emotions/feelings lead me into becoming attached to another person. 

I commit myself to before going into an agreement with another person to get to know them and not jump right into a relationship based on infatuation and feelings. 

I commit myself to notice when and as memories of past partners come up within me and I commit myself to stop these memories when and as they come up through breathing. 

I commit myself to walk alone with myself and to establish a relationship with myself instead of seeking out a relationship with another. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I am blaming someone else for my own emotions and making up reasons in my mind as to why my emotions are justified and within this I commit myself to take responsibility for my own emotions as I see/realize/understand that I am responsible for how I react to the emotions that exist within/as me. 



Sunday, November 18, 2012

Day 85: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 10] SRA


I have been writing about my experience with ‘Love’ in my JTL blog and I am going to simplify what I have experienced with love in this writing. What I have came to see, realize, and understand is that I have been desiring to be in a relationship ever since my first experience of being in a relationship and being in “Love”. I have always felt better knowing that I have a girlfriend to be with when things aren’t going well and to have sex with on a consistent basis. Ever since my first serious relationship I have used the word “I love you” to my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to be in a relationship because of the feeling I felt while being in relationships in the past and that if I go into a relationship then I will feel completed and fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone not realizing that I am already alone and that I desire/want to be in a relationship so I can hide this fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that I desire to go into a relationship because I am self-dishonest and that this desire/want for a relationship is a way to hide my dishonesty through the feeling that I would get if I was to go into a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that all of the relationships I have had have been of the starting point of energy and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that if I desire/want to be in a relationship and want/desire to pursue a relationship with a female then I am saying that I need another person in my life in order to be happy and fulfilled instead of seeing and realizing that I am alone in this existence and that I am using the want/desire of being in a relationship to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because I won’t be able to have sex on a consistent basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship having thoughts of knowing I will be able to have consistent sex and that having consistent sex with my partner will make me happy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea of having consistent sex influence me to go into a relationship and I realize/see/understand that a reason why I fear being alone is because I won’t be able to have sex consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say “I love you” to my past partners not realizing that I was afraid to have had lost them as a partner and would end up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired/wanted my past partners to tell me “I love you”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of happiness when my past partners told me “I love you”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that by saying “I love you” to someone that I am speaking system language and living as a system which confirms that I want/desire another system, to form a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that speaking “I love you” to another person not only upgrades my mind consciousness system but the other person’s mind consciousness system that I was speaking to therefore keeping us further enslaved.

When and as I notice myself desiring/wanting to go in a relationship - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be completed and fulfilled. I commit myself to stop all wants/desires of going into a relationship and if the chance comes up to have a partner to set up an agreement of what will be walked together as partners in an agreement in specificity.

When and as I notice myself going into an emotional state of sadness because I don’t have a partner - I stop and I breathe. I realize that my starting point with my past partners was of self-dishonesty and based on the fear of being alone and I now see, realize, and understand that I have always been alone and have went into relationships so I can hide this fear of being alone. I commit myself to walk with myself alone and to investigate when and as this aloneness comes up within/as me and what exactly triggers this emotional experience of aloneness.

When and as I notice myself wanting to say “I love you” to another person - I stop and I breathe. I realize that by saying “I love you” to someone that I am using system language that keeps or upgrades the mind consciousness systems that exist within me and the person I say it to. I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to utter “I love you” to another person and if I do to apply self-forgiveness immediately.




Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 9]

Continuing my with my experiences of being in love and in relationships. I met this girl who was a music major through a friend of mine that I had known since the third grade. The very first thing I noticed about her was that she had dreadlocks and I automatically became interested in her and wanted to get to know her. I thought it was hot for a girl to have dreads. So a few of us music majors and a few others always hung out together. We would play tennis, smoke weed, get drunk, play video games, etc... I ended up going into a relationship with this girl whom I was attracted to. It is interesting, I now realize that it was her hair that made me attracted to her in the first place. After a month or so we always would stay the night with each other even though we didn't live in the same house so we were pretty much attached to each other. We were both music majors so we would always go to the school and practice at the same time.


I remember a time when I was hanging out with my friends and she flipped out. My friend picked me up and then she drove up and she saw us and I said "Go Go Go!" I felt like I was being suffocated by her and decided to not deal with it at that moment and just ignored it instead of talking with her about it.

Later I went back to school in another state, where I am still at today. She stayed at the school she was at. Every weekend we would normally see each other. We lived 5 hours apart. She would drive here one weekend and I would drive there the next weekend. At the very end of the semester in the spring we couldn't see each other for one month because of obligations for school. I could tell things weren't going well.  She came down here and broke up with me. I wanted to stay in the relationship because we made plans about here coming here to live with me and I was obviously attached. I remember blaming her for not wanting to continue the relationship because we didn't see each other for over a month and that her feelings have changed just because we couldn't see each other.



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Day 83: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 8]

This is a continuation:

Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 6]
Day 82: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 7]

Read Day's 76-80 for further context

When and as I notice memories of hanging out with the group I associated myself with in high school and going off with my ex-girlfriend and fooling around as "friends with benefits" before we went into a relationship - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I am holding onto these memories because I want/desire to experience the feeling of freedom and excitement I felt during that time. I commit myself to stop all these memories when and as they come up by noticing that I went into the mind and thought about the past.



When and as I notice there is tension or a conflict between me and another person - I stop and I breathe. I now realize, see, and understand that I was acting passively and hiding my emotions of how I felt about my roommate and friend through noticing the backchat I had about him. I commit myself to check myself to see if I am part of the conflict I may have with another person and I commit myself to confront the person with whom I may have conflict with instead of accepting and allowing backchat to continue manifesting within me.

When and as I desire/want to go into a relationship with a girl whom I am attracted to or infatuated with - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I am living in a state of infatuation and that I have done this in the past and that going into a relationship based on physical looks and infatuation is going into a relationship/agreement with the starting point of self-dishonesty and energy which will end up running out sooner or later. I commit myself to when the chance comes up again to have a partner to go into an agreement instead of a relationship and to set out clear definitions of what and how the agreement will be walked. 













Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Day 82: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 7]

This is a continuation:

Day 76: Early experiences of 'Love'
Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 2]
Day 78: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part three]
Day 79: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 4]
Day 80: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 5]
Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 6]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of breaking my ankle while at the skate park in my home town with my friend that I went to school with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going camping with my ex-girlfriend, her sister and her boyfriend, and my "best friend" and fooling around with my ex in the tent late at night during the time when we were "friends with benefits". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of having a crush on my ex-girlfriend before we went into a relationship and the emotion of sadness that came up when she didn't want to be with me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike her boyfriend at the time not realizing that I was jealous of him. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ex-girlfriend in my mind as a hippy loving open minded person not realizing that I was separating myself from her by defining her as a hippy loving open minded person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "He just wants attention" and "His artwork isn't real, just creates things for shock value" towards my roommate and friend not realizing, seeing, and understanding that these type of thoughts allowed me to become passive towards him. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that this passive way of acting/thinking towards my roommate and friend caused conflict between us which made our living situation not enjoyable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when me and my ex-girlfriend's dog would bark at my friend and roommate every morning when he would come out of his room and seeing his reaction of annoyance and anger towards the dog. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of relief when my roommate and friend moved out - feeling happy that he dropped out of school not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was taking pleasure in his suffering. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my ex-girlfriend worked full time during the night shift and I was only taking classes and practicing and that if I was in her shoes I would not be having these judgments of her motivation or passion about life. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of my ex-girlfriend when we were in a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts of thinking that my ex-girlfriend had no passion or motivation for anything lead me to cheating on her with those girls who I thought had passion and motivation for music not realizing that this is an excuse that I used in order to justify the reason of why I cheated. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that cheating on my ex-girlfriend was showing me the self-dishonesty that existed and still exists today within/as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship based on the want/desire of being in a relationship not realizing, seeing, and understanding that this want/desire of being in a relationship with a female is based on the fear of being alone thus I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being alone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I went into this relationship with the starting point of self-dishonesty not realizing that when going into a relationship with the starting point based on self-dishonesty and energy that the relationship will most likely end sooner or later. 


Monday, November 12, 2012

Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 6]

I am continuing my experiences of being in Love and experiences of being in relationships. After I broke my ankle while at the skate park with one of my friends and had my nervous breakdown I moved back home with my mom and dad. I ended up hanging out with one of my friends in high school after I moved back to my parents. She was part of the group I associated myself with in high school. We would always mess around sexually but never became "boyfriend and girlfriend". We were what you could call "friends with benefits". We would always get drunk and fool around and have sex. We were very open in front of our close friends but when someone who wasn't close to us came around we wouldn't be very open. I remember "falling in love" with her around this time but she just wanted to be friends and stay with her boyfriend. I saw her as this hippy loving, open minded girl who was unlike any other person.

After I moved back with my parents we became "boyfriend and girlfriend". I basically ended up living with her because I couldn't stand living with my parents. Later we moved to a city 2 hours away with my "best friend". I worked at Kroger, took a few classes and practiced my horn. That was all I did. At first everything was cool but living together with my "best friend" and my girlfriend didn't work out that well. I remember having secret thoughts about my "best friend" like "I don't want him living here" "He just wants attention" "His artwork isn't real, just creates things for shock value" We were very passive with each other. He ended up having a nervous breakdown after a situation with one of the guys he was seeing and dropped out of school and moving out.

A few months later we moved to another town so I could continue with my degree in music education. So my ex-girlfriend came with me. So after 2 years of being together I started to "fall out of love". I thought she wasn't motivated to do anything with her life and that she had no passion for anything. I ended up meeting some music students. I thought "these girls are living, they are motivated to get up and practice" and I was attracted to that. So I ended up cheating. I became very passive to my ex-girlfriend and I broke up with her and she moved out. A few months later I ended up going into a relationship with one of the girls I met that I had music classes with. I will go into that experience of "love" next.




Saturday, November 10, 2012

Day 80: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 5]


When and as I notice memories coming up about me being with my ex-girlfriend, the times we partied with friends, hanging out with her family, having sex - I stop and I breathe.

I realize, see, and understand that I am the one who creates these feelings/thoughts of infatuation that I have about another girl and I still do this today and I realize that this infatuation is always based on how they look physically and then the personality they have and within this I realize that if they don't have a personality that I like I automatically dismiss myself from getting to know them.

I realize, see, and understand that these memories won't go away automatically but I have the opportunity to stop the flow of these memories through the breath and to bring myself back here into the physical.

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of being "infatuated" by another female and I commit myself to stop all the feelings/emotions/thoughts that may come up within me while seeing a female I am attracted to or infatuated with through breathing in and then breathing out.

I commit myself to stop the memories of me and my ex-girlfriend having sex in a quick manner with the fear of her mom coming home early.

I commit myself to stop the memories of the nice lovey-dovey feelings I felt when I first got together with my ex-girlfriend.

I commit myself to stop the memories of being with my ex-girlfriend and her family and the fun times we had together.

I commit myself to stop holding onto the memories of getting high and drunk with my ex-girlfriend and our friends while at her house and two of her neighbors whom I was good friends with, walking back and forth between her house and my friends house.

I commit myself to notice when and as I think in my mind that I am a musician and that this is how I want others to see me and within this I commit myself to stop all self-created ideas of how I want/desire others to see me through noticing that I left the physical and went into the mind.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Day 79: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 4]

Another experience with love happened during my senior year in high school. I saw this girl who I thought was cute and I knew nothing about her, just that I thought she was cute. One of my friends told one of her friends that I liked her and she was told about it, LOL. Anyway we ended up hanging out and later were “boyfriend and girlfriend”. We were together around a year and a half. It started off as an infatuation. We would smoke weed, drink with friends. I then went to college and saw her maybe once a month and in the second semester we broke up. We both ended up cheating on each other. Later she ended up dating one of my friends and I felt totally pissed when I found this out.

The next year in school I broke my ankle while skateboarding and had a nervous breakdown a few weeks later. I then ended up going back home to live with my parents. I ended up with another experience of Love that I will go into after I am done writing about this experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me asking one of my friends to find out if this girl was interested in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue going into an relationship based on infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that I went into a relationship with this girl based on infatuation and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that going into a relationship based on infatuation is something that is self-created in the mind and that I created this feeling of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of going to my ex-girlfriend's house after school and having sex quickly before her mom came home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of when my ex-girlfriend first came over and making out with her on the couch in my parents house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of hanging out with my ex-girlfriend and her little brother while at her house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me rolling a joint in my car and smoking with my ex-girlfriend in the high school parking lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me going back to my ex-girlfriend's house on the weekends and playing the routine in her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of dropping my ex-girlfriend off at her house after playing in the battle of the bands at high school and thinking that I was cool and that she was impressed because I played in a punk rock band at the battle of the bands at high school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when I found out that my ex-girlfriend was dating one of my friends - feeling as if they both have betrayed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger in my mind when my friend came over to go skating at the skate park showing up with my ex-girlfriend unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of skating at the skate park and seeing that my ex-girlfriend was watching me and my friend that she was with, skating and thinking that I was a lot better at skating than him.















Thursday, November 8, 2012

Day 78: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part Three]

This is a continuation : Day 76: Early experiences of 'Love'
                                  Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part Two]

When and as I notice myself thinking of my first girlfriend and the relationship we were in - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that the memories of being with my first girlfriend come up because I felt a sense of comfort while in the relationship and that I don't have this same sense of comfort today and I realize that these memories come up within/as me because I desire/want this feeling of comfort that I feel while being in a relationship. I commit myself to stop all memories of the first relationship that I was in by physically saying Stop or stomping my foot on the ground if I am in a situation where I can't say Stop out loud. 




When and as I notice myself thinking of the memories of playing music with my first girlfriend's brothers and having a feeling of enjoyment and freedom - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that this memory keeps coming up because I don't feel the freedom and enjoyment of playing music with other people today like I did back then. I commit myself to play music in the physical with whomever it may be and to stop all feelings and emotions when and as they come up through breathing in and out. 

When and as I notice myself going into a state of anger or judgment while seeing a woman wearing a long skirt and that has long hair - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that I go into a state of anger and/or judgment because of the memory of my first girlfriend turning Apostolic after we broke up and I realize that my reaction towards seeing a woman wearing a long dress and who has long hair has nothing to do with them but me. I commit myself to notice when and as I react to seeing a woman who has long hair and wearing a long dress through noticing the reaction and after breathing I commit myself to notice where I am by observing what is around me. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part Two]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto to the memory of losing my virginity to my first serious girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going to my ex-girlfriend's house and playing music with her brothers in the basement of the house they lived in and having a feeling of enjoyment and freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me skateboarding with my first serious girlfriend's brother after we got done practicing and then going back to hang out with her and having a feeling of comfort when I got back to her house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my first serious girlfriend and her two brothers parents having a divorce and the impact I saw it had on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the the memory of my first serious ex-girlfriend telling me on the phone how she went to a church function with one of the members in her section in band and making out with a guy and feeling devastated and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of the sadness that I felt when she told me on the phone that she made out with another guy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my first girlfriend's mother for making out with another guy - thinking in my mind that she made out with this guy because her mother had an affair not realizing that this thought was only my creation and that I used her mom having an affair as a way to justify my feelings of sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me losing weight after me and my first serious girlfriend broke up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the first relationship I had with a girl as "serious" not realizing that I have labeled it as serious because it lasted around 10 months.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I was attached to my first girlfriend and that is why I was so depressed when we broke up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I lost weight and was so depressed when me and my first girlfriend broke up because I felt that I lost part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing a woman with long hair and wearing a long skirt to exist as a trigger point, which triggers the memory of me and my first girlfriend breaking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of anger when and as I see a woman with a long skirt and long hair not realizing that I go into a state of anger because my first girlfriend ended up following the apostolic religion and within this I forgive myself to judge those women who dress in the apostolic fashion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see a woman with long hair and wearing a long skirt to automatically go into a state of anger not realizing that I get angry because she visually triggers the memory of me and my first girlfriend breaking up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that it is not the woman whom I see that is wearing a long skirt and has long hair that I am angry at but that seeing a woman wearing a long skirt with long hair triggers the memory of me and my first girlfriend breaking up and triggers the emotion of anger I felt when we broke up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my first girlfriend becoming an Apostolic after we broke up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I turned the sadness that I felt after me and my first girlfriend broke up into a emotion of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in love with my first girlfriend.





Sunday, November 4, 2012

Day 76: Early experiences of 'Love'



So I am going to start investigating my early experiences of Love and relationships up to this very day. There is quite a bit to go through so I am going to start here with my earliest experience of when I thought I was in Love.

My experience with love goes back to when I was in high school and had my first serious girlfriend. This was the girl I lost my virginity to, I was 15 years old. I was in a punk rock band with her brothers and we would practice a few times a week so I was always over at her house after school until the evening. I thought it was awesome that I got to hang out with my girlfriend and then go play music and later skateboard with one of her brothers and then hang back out with her. This went on for about 9-10 months. Her mom had an affair with another guy and things started to change. They divorced and I could tell the impact it had on her and her two brothers. All of a sudden her mom moved out to be with the guy she had an affair with and her dad had a new woman with two kids who moved in. A very quick change in the matter of months. Eventually she ended up going to a church thing that was of the Apostolic faith with a friend in band. She ended up making out with another guy at the church function. I blamed this on her mom and believed if it wasn’t for her mom cheating on her dad it wouldn’t have happened. I was devastated. I ended up losing a lot of weight because I was so emotionally depressed. The next day I went to her house and she said how she was sorry and wanted to still stay with me but I knew it was over. The school called my mom telling her that I didn't show up for school. Eventually my mom called and told me that she was going to pick me up and bring me back to the middle school where she taught and was going to let my band director take me back to high school as he was gonna be on his way there anyway. My band director supported me because he went through a similar experience in his marriage. We talked for an hour or so. After this I went to my other classes for that day. The girl I was with became Apostolic and ended up wearing the long dresses and grew her hair out. I then began to hate those who were “Apostolic” and would judge anyone I saw with a long dress and long hair. No matter where I was - if I saw an Apostolic person I would become filled with anger.

A lot more to come as I am going to go through all the "Love" experiences I have had.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 75: Shitting and Reading

This is a continuation : Day 74: I am not good at reading and hate school


When I have an assignment for a class I tend to read in small spurts of time. For example, I sometimes keep my book in the bathroom so that when I take a shit I read what is required for me to be prepared for class because reading while taking a shit can be kind of comforting. It is funny that I read the stuff for school that I call shit in my mind while I am taking a shit, LOL. So reading in these small spurts of time don't allow me to actually retain much of the material that was read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read material for class in small spurts of time because I think the material is going to be boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect reading material for class to an emotional experience of being bored.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I think the readings I must do for the classes I am in will be boring because I have defined myself as a "creative" person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read material in small spurts for classes thinking that that is the only way I can hold my attention on the material that I am reading long enough and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a small attention span.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read material for my classes while taking a shit - defining reading while taking a shit to be comfortable and that I will be able to hold my attention on the material that I think is 'boring' I am reading because I am taking a shit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that reading material for classes that I don't care for while taking a shit is a habit that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I don't retain the material that I am reading if I only read one or two pages at a time and that when I pick up the book again to read I am not quite sure what I read before.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to set a time out for myself to read material that I must read for my classes, say for 30 minutes to an hour as I realize/see/understand that by setting out a specific time for reading that I will be able to retain more of the information that I read allowing me to understand the material in a clearer way.


I realize/see/understand that by reading the material for my classes in small spurts results in me not being able to remember the information in a clear manner and that my whole starting point is based on me thinking that I won't be able to hold my attention on the material long enough because I have defined the material I have to read for my classes as 'un-creative'

I realize/see/understand that thoughts of thinking that studying/reading/preparing for the classes I am taking are boring because I don't think it is entertaining as the so called creative activities that I participate in like playing music therefore not realizing that I have defined certain obligations/activities that must me done as enjoyable and others that are not enjoyable.


I realize/see/understand that I have not set out a specific time for me to read the material that I must read in order to prepare for class/tests/assignments and I realize that within this I do so because it is based on a habit.


I commit myself to notice when and as I have the desire to read just a little bit of the material for an assignment I have in school in spurts of time required for a class.

I commit myself to notice when and as I have emotional feelings of thinking that what I have to read for class is going to be boring and I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as these emotional feelings of boredness come up within me.

I commit myself to stop all definitions that I have created about myself and the material I have to read in order to prepare for class.

I commit myself to stop reading the material that I must read for class in order to be prepared in small spurts of time as I see/realize/understand that I will understand that material in a more thorough and clearer way if I set out periods of time for myself to read for my classes instead of small spurts of time.

I commit myself to stop reading my assignments while taking a shit through my self-commitment of setting aside at least 30 minutes at a time for reading the assignments that I must prepare for.

I commit myself to stop the habit of reading my assignments for class while taking a shit and I commit myself to stop all multitasking while taking a shit thus commiting myself to the physical through the act of taking a shit.