Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part Two]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto to the memory of losing my virginity to my first serious girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going to my ex-girlfriend's house and playing music with her brothers in the basement of the house they lived in and having a feeling of enjoyment and freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me skateboarding with my first serious girlfriend's brother after we got done practicing and then going back to hang out with her and having a feeling of comfort when I got back to her house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my first serious girlfriend and her two brothers parents having a divorce and the impact I saw it had on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the the memory of my first serious ex-girlfriend telling me on the phone how she went to a church function with one of the members in her section in band and making out with a guy and feeling devastated and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of the sadness that I felt when she told me on the phone that she made out with another guy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my first girlfriend's mother for making out with another guy - thinking in my mind that she made out with this guy because her mother had an affair not realizing that this thought was only my creation and that I used her mom having an affair as a way to justify my feelings of sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of me losing weight after me and my first serious girlfriend broke up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the first relationship I had with a girl as "serious" not realizing that I have labeled it as serious because it lasted around 10 months.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I was attached to my first girlfriend and that is why I was so depressed when we broke up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I lost weight and was so depressed when me and my first girlfriend broke up because I felt that I lost part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing a woman with long hair and wearing a long skirt to exist as a trigger point, which triggers the memory of me and my first girlfriend breaking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of anger when and as I see a woman with a long skirt and long hair not realizing that I go into a state of anger because my first girlfriend ended up following the apostolic religion and within this I forgive myself to judge those women who dress in the apostolic fashion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see a woman with long hair and wearing a long skirt to automatically go into a state of anger not realizing that I get angry because she visually triggers the memory of me and my first girlfriend breaking up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that it is not the woman whom I see that is wearing a long skirt and has long hair that I am angry at but that seeing a woman wearing a long skirt with long hair triggers the memory of me and my first girlfriend breaking up and triggers the emotion of anger I felt when we broke up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my first girlfriend becoming an Apostolic after we broke up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I turned the sadness that I felt after me and my first girlfriend broke up into a emotion of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in love with my first girlfriend.





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