Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Day 82: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 7]

This is a continuation:

Day 76: Early experiences of 'Love'
Day 77: Early experiences of 'Love [Part 2]
Day 78: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part three]
Day 79: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 4]
Day 80: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 5]
Day 81: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 6]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of breaking my ankle while at the skate park in my home town with my friend that I went to school with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going camping with my ex-girlfriend, her sister and her boyfriend, and my "best friend" and fooling around with my ex in the tent late at night during the time when we were "friends with benefits". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of having a crush on my ex-girlfriend before we went into a relationship and the emotion of sadness that came up when she didn't want to be with me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike her boyfriend at the time not realizing that I was jealous of him. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ex-girlfriend in my mind as a hippy loving open minded person not realizing that I was separating myself from her by defining her as a hippy loving open minded person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "He just wants attention" and "His artwork isn't real, just creates things for shock value" towards my roommate and friend not realizing, seeing, and understanding that these type of thoughts allowed me to become passive towards him. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that this passive way of acting/thinking towards my roommate and friend caused conflict between us which made our living situation not enjoyable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when me and my ex-girlfriend's dog would bark at my friend and roommate every morning when he would come out of his room and seeing his reaction of annoyance and anger towards the dog. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of relief when my roommate and friend moved out - feeling happy that he dropped out of school not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was taking pleasure in his suffering. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my ex-girlfriend worked full time during the night shift and I was only taking classes and practicing and that if I was in her shoes I would not be having these judgments of her motivation or passion about life. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of my ex-girlfriend when we were in a relationship. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts of thinking that my ex-girlfriend had no passion or motivation for anything lead me to cheating on her with those girls who I thought had passion and motivation for music not realizing that this is an excuse that I used in order to justify the reason of why I cheated. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that cheating on my ex-girlfriend was showing me the self-dishonesty that existed and still exists today within/as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship based on the want/desire of being in a relationship not realizing, seeing, and understanding that this want/desire of being in a relationship with a female is based on the fear of being alone thus I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being alone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I went into this relationship with the starting point of self-dishonesty not realizing that when going into a relationship with the starting point based on self-dishonesty and energy that the relationship will most likely end sooner or later. 


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