Sunday, November 18, 2012

Day 85: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 10] SRA


I have been writing about my experience with ‘Love’ in my JTL blog and I am going to simplify what I have experienced with love in this writing. What I have came to see, realize, and understand is that I have been desiring to be in a relationship ever since my first experience of being in a relationship and being in “Love”. I have always felt better knowing that I have a girlfriend to be with when things aren’t going well and to have sex with on a consistent basis. Ever since my first serious relationship I have used the word “I love you” to my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to be in a relationship because of the feeling I felt while being in relationships in the past and that if I go into a relationship then I will feel completed and fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone not realizing that I am already alone and that I desire/want to be in a relationship so I can hide this fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that I desire to go into a relationship because I am self-dishonest and that this desire/want for a relationship is a way to hide my dishonesty through the feeling that I would get if I was to go into a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that all of the relationships I have had have been of the starting point of energy and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that if I desire/want to be in a relationship and want/desire to pursue a relationship with a female then I am saying that I need another person in my life in order to be happy and fulfilled instead of seeing and realizing that I am alone in this existence and that I am using the want/desire of being in a relationship to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because I won’t be able to have sex on a consistent basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a relationship having thoughts of knowing I will be able to have consistent sex and that having consistent sex with my partner will make me happy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea of having consistent sex influence me to go into a relationship and I realize/see/understand that a reason why I fear being alone is because I won’t be able to have sex consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say “I love you” to my past partners not realizing that I was afraid to have had lost them as a partner and would end up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired/wanted my past partners to tell me “I love you”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of happiness when my past partners told me “I love you”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, and understand that by saying “I love you” to someone that I am speaking system language and living as a system which confirms that I want/desire another system, to form a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that speaking “I love you” to another person not only upgrades my mind consciousness system but the other person’s mind consciousness system that I was speaking to therefore keeping us further enslaved.

When and as I notice myself desiring/wanting to go in a relationship - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be completed and fulfilled. I commit myself to stop all wants/desires of going into a relationship and if the chance comes up to have a partner to set up an agreement of what will be walked together as partners in an agreement in specificity.

When and as I notice myself going into an emotional state of sadness because I don’t have a partner - I stop and I breathe. I realize that my starting point with my past partners was of self-dishonesty and based on the fear of being alone and I now see, realize, and understand that I have always been alone and have went into relationships so I can hide this fear of being alone. I commit myself to walk with myself alone and to investigate when and as this aloneness comes up within/as me and what exactly triggers this emotional experience of aloneness.

When and as I notice myself wanting to say “I love you” to another person - I stop and I breathe. I realize that by saying “I love you” to someone that I am using system language that keeps or upgrades the mind consciousness systems that exist within me and the person I say it to. I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to utter “I love you” to another person and if I do to apply self-forgiveness immediately.




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