Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 87: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 12]

After the relationship ended with the specific ex partner I talked about in the blogs Day 84: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 9] and Day 86: Early experiences of 'Love' [Part 11] I became quite angry. I found out a few months later that she was pregnant and engaged. This made me very confused and angry. It didn't make any sense to me. I remember thinking "I thought I knew her. How could she change so quickly?" She ended up having a baby and is now married. When I found out she was pregnant and engaged to be married I immediately started to think about her mother. We would talk every now and then on FB or on the phone after we broke up. One day I let this anger possess me and sent her a nasty message on FB. Something like, "Your going to turn out just like your mom and sister and have many divorces. Just wait 10 years until your world falls apart you redneck". I was possessed by this anger one day and just went off on her. We haven't talked since. I was finding reasons to justify my emotions, they were pretty strong emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when I found out from a friend that my ex partner was pregnant and engaged to be married.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ex partner screwed me over instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that our relationship was based on dependence on each other and since we couldn't see each other that often the energy that was normally created while being around each other ran out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ex partner and I were in 'Love' and because we were in 'Love' thinking, "how could she do this to me?" instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this 'Love' was all based on energy and hiding from my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my ex partner's mother and sister when I found out she was pregnant and engaged not realizing that finding out that my ex partner who was pregnant and engaged triggered me to justify the sadness and anger I experienced from my ex partner and I breaking up and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find reasons to justify my anger and sadness instead of realizing that I am responsible for how I created these emotions/feelings/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the anger I felt when I found out that my ex partner was pregnant and engaged to lead me to sending a nasty/angry message to her not realizing that I was possessed by my anger and let this anger take my body over not realizing, seeing, or understanding that I have the breath which is here as support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the only one who is responsible for my anger and emotions.

I commit myself to stop blaming other people for my emotions of anger and sadness.

I commit myself to not accept or allow energy to be a part of my interaction with other people and I commit myself to stop any energy that may come up within/as me that I feel towards another person through the breath.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am living within/as energy with those whom I interact with and to stop accepting and allowing this energy to possess me as I realize that this energy will eventually run out.

I commit myself to stop and notice when and as I am using reasons as to why my emotions/feelings/thoughts are justified and I commit myself to take self-responsibility for my own self-created emotions/feelings/thoughts as I realize/see/understand that I am the one who created these thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I commit myself to not accept or allow the anger that exists within and as me towards another lead/cause me to do something in this possessed state of mind.




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