Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 105: Being spiteful towards teachers

Something else I have noticed about myself and my reaction towards failing this class and the teacher is I became very spiteful in my mind. I made up images in my mind of how I could somehow get back at my teacher for giving me a failing grade. LOL, it wasn't him who gave me the failing grade but me who earned the grade. It is rather crazy. I became spiteful towards someone who did nothing to me. At the time I believed this teacher had done something unjust towards me. It took me stepping back and looking my emotions in this situation to notice how spiteful I became. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful towards my teacher when I found out I failed his class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this teacher did something wrong and mean to me by giving me a failing grade in his class not seeing, realizing, or understanding that he did nothing wrong or mean to me but it was me who believed him to have done something wrong or mean to me and within this I realize it was me who did not take responsibility for doing the necessary work in order to pass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas/images in my mind like seeing this teacher in the hallway and if he says hi to me I would just look at him and say nothing back and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that this mental idea/image is in fact spitefulness. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when and as I go into a state of spitefulness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to protect my ego and go into a state of spitefulness when and as my ego is threatened. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold onto the memories of me half assing my way through other classes with this same teacher and passing when I didn't deserve to pass and since he didn't let me get away with half assing my way through this particular class that my spitefulness towards him was justified. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking or acting out physically acts of spitefulness is not what is best for all.

When and as I notice myself being spiteful towards another in my mind or in the physical - I stop and I breathe. 

I see and realize that going into a state of spitefulness is not living within and as the principle of what is best for all and I realize that spiting someone else is a way to protect my ego, ideas, beliefs, and self-definitions. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of spitefulness and to bring back the situation to self in order to investigate why I went into a state of spitefulness. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself creating up ideas/images in my mind of how to spite someone. 

I commit myself to stop justifying my spitefulness towards others based on past events as I realize there are tons of ways and excuses that can be used to try and justify one's own spitefulness. 

I commit myself to notice and investigate the excuses for why my spitefulness should be justified. 

I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical when and as I notice myself being spiteful by noticing that spitefulness requires me to go into the mind and come up with ideas so they can be acted out at a later time and within this I commit myself to write out the ideas/thoughts of how I can spite someone else so when these ideas/thoughts come up I have the ability to stop myself on acting them out as I will know what these ideas/thoughts are.  











Friday, December 28, 2012

Day 104: hope and self interest

Something I realize about the hope character. So I failed a class and have to take it over. I knew I wasn't taking responsibility for the work in this class. Every time I had homework for this class I would put it off or not do it and become the hope character. Any thought about about homework, doing homework, thinking of doing the homework later, thinking of not doing the homework, thinking about going to class, thinking about not going to class I would essentially be acting out the hope character.

Looking at this now I realize that I was living in self-interest. I would rather do something else than doing the homework. Many times I thought "I will do it later". "I will do it later" because I would rather be doing something else more enjoyable. This is self-interest. This type of living is not living in a way this is best for all because if I do this in one area in my life I will most likely be doing it in many other areas as well.



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Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 103: Hope, Blame [Part 4]

This semester I failed a class and noticed myself becoming angry. I thought I would pass because I have half assed my way through other classes with this teacher and always got away with it. All of a sudden, he didn't accept my half assed work and I was surprised. Because of this I will have to go to school another semester and have gotten my money taken away for next semester. This really pissed me off. 

After I saw my grade and what the consequences of failing this class are, anger started to flow through me. I had thoughts of how I will see him in the future and will make it known to him that I don't like him anymore through my body language and attitude. How if I see him in the halls and he says hi to me I will just look at him and say nothing. It is as if after I saw that I failed I started creating ways in my mind of how to show him how angry I am at him. 

This is a point of hope. I hoped that I would just pass because I always have. I hoped everything would work out even though I knew I didn't do the work necessary in order to pass the class. Instead of seeing and realizing that it was my responsibility to do the work necessary in order to pass and didn't I blamed it on him. This anger and blame has nothing to do with my teacher but me. He did nothing to me even though I thought he did. 

This is something that I am going to have to look at because I know that this one situation is just one of many other similar situations I have went through. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I would pass because this teacher has always passed me in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to half ass my way through a class - thinking that I would pass because I have in the past not realizing that I am letting what happened in the past influence how I live today. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to half ass my way through a class because I have before in the past and gotten away with it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of going into a state of hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for giving me a failing grade. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my actions. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my teacher did nothing to me and that I blamed him for something I did not take responsibility for. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for doing the work necessary in my class in order to pass and in turn blamed my teacher for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that blaming my teacher helped hide the fact that I didn't take responsibility for doing the work necessary in order to pass the class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger when I found out that I failed a class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger at my teacher when I found out that I failed this class. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am actually angry at myself for failing the class and not taking responsibility for doing the work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger to turn into making up ideas in my mind of how to show this teacher how I don't like him anymore. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when and as I make up ideas of revenge in my mind that I am not here with the breath but in the mind. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these made up ideas of revenge are thoughts/ideas about something that will happen in the future thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create futuristic thoughts of how I will get back at another person for what I perceive to have been done to me. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of hope and to stop myself when I go into this state of mind by noticing I missed a breath and went into the mind. 

I commit myself to notice when I am blaming others for my actions and to bring the situation back to self.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my actions and responsibilities and to notice when I blame another for not taking responsibility for myself. 

I commit myself to notice when I become angry at another person and to bring the situation back to self and investigate the point of anger from the starting point of self. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into the mind and make up images of how I will show another person how I don't like them and I commit myself to stop these ideas that come up in the mind by realizing these ideas/thoughts are futuristic. 

I commit myself to bring back all situations of anger and blame back to self and to sort out these emotions that exist within/as me within the principal of what is best for all. 










Thursday, December 20, 2012

Day 102: Remove Countries

It is interesting to look at this world and how we have separated ourselves from each other. There are many different countries with different beliefs on how things should be conducted while on this planet. The planet has somewhere around 200 different countries. Why? We live on the same planet and are given the resources from earth equally but countries have fucked this up. Certain countries get more and control more of what the earth has provided for us than other countries.

We as humans have separated ourselves from each other through the countries we were born into. It is really rather strange how this works. Anyone with common sense would agree that it depends on where you were born, what part of the world you were born is the basic factor that chooses what religion will be shoved down your throat and are told to believe in at a very young age. This doesn't only happen with religion but with almost every single thing. If you are born in a certain country you might have more of an opportunity to have access to food and if you were born in a different country you might not have the opportunity to have access to food. What the Fuck? Why does this shit happen? It happens because we have separated ourselves from each other instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that we are all ONE. The earth and the animals realize this and always have. Only humans have drawn lines on a map and believe, "You are different than me and should stay over there and if you want to come over here you need the proper paperwork".

All of the lines that have been drawn on pieces of paper that shows which country you belong to is a fucked up thing. We will keep on killing and having more wars until we get rid of the fucking lines that we have drawn on a fucking map. This is all done in the mind. Things will only get better if we stop all of the imaginary lines that have been created in our minds.

What is the solution? An Equal Money System is the solution! I know the NWO/Illuminati believers will not go for this but that is something I will go into in a later post.


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 101: Hope [Part Three]

When and as I notice myself acting out the hope character - going into the imagination and hoping for “something” to happen or change - I stop and I breathe. I realize that the only way I can change something is by self directive movement and that hoping for something to happen only happens in the mind meaning no self directive movement happens when acting out the hope character and going into a state of hoping for something to happen or change. I commit myself to investigate what it is that I am hoping to happen and to stop it by physically doing the action that is necessary in order for whatever it is I am hoping for to be achieved through standing up and directing myself in the moment instead of hoping for that “something” to happen. After stopping the hope character and I notice myself judging myself before standing up and taking responsibility for myself - I stop and I breathe. I realize, see, and understand that judging myself before even starting and fear of failing before standing up and taking self-responsibility is still a moment of waiting instead of taking self-directive action. I commit myself to stop all fear of failure and self-judgment that may or may not come up before standing up by moving directly to the task at hand that is of self-responsibility.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 100: Hope [Part Two]


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that things in my life will work themselves out on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in hope.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that hope is sitting back and waiting for “something” to happen instead of standing up and directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that hope require no self-directive action or responsibility but only imagination.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that sitting and waiting for “something” to happen is what I have been doing my whole life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that waiting for “something” to happen is what I will do until I stand up and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will end up with a job that I don’t like when I graduate not realizing that I am participating in the act of hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking action and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that using hope gives me a feeling of security.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I use hope and the secure feeling it gives me because I fear taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if I stop using ‘hope’ - going into the mind and imagining that everything will be ok instead of realizing that I fear taking responsibility and use hope as an escape to not take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hope character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of uncertainty. Uncertain of what will happen if I stand up and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself before I have even attempted to stand up and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail if I stand up and take self-responsibility not realizing this fear is connected to why I sit back and hope for things to happen.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I hope I sit back in a static position and don’t actually move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and wait for things to happen instead of standing up and taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I hope for things to happen because I don’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I trusted myself then I would not participate in the hope character.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Day 99: Hope


Sometimes I think that things are going to work out just fine. I use hope as an escape goat in order to not face myself and my responsibilities. It has always seemed that everything has worked out besides the small shit we all go through who have or have been supported with enough money unlike those without or who are not supported with money.

I sometimes think (this just happened after my last final exam the other day) that when I graduate everything will be fine and life will be ok but what I am really doing is using hope. Hope as a way to hide behind the fear that exists within and as me. I realize that I use ‘hope’ when I am not even aware of when I use ‘hope’. It has become so conditioned that I am not aware of it most of the time. So, when I use hope I go into the mind in order to think things will work out and be just fine. Which means I am just standing still with no actual movement.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Day 98: What is real Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that forgiveness can be applied anywhere, no matter where I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing forgiveness can only be done in writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do forgiveness during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only apply forgiveness within writing not realizing and understanding that I can apply forgiveness throughout my entire day, no matter where I am and what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to erase the forgiveness I have written because I believe it is not real or good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck while applying self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what it is that makes me go into a blank state while applying self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rewrite and try and perfect my self-forgiveness statements in order for them to look good according to other people not realizing that this is only an idea in my mind that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the difference between my private self-forgiveness and public self-forgiveness and that I try and perfect my public self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate why it is that I try and perfect my public self-forgiveness and not my private self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I am pausing and re-writing my self-forgiveness when and as I write it down then I am not actually applying self-forgiveness because I have went into the mind.


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Day 97: the Student Character [Part 3]

Continuing on with the 'Student' character. It is interesting to look at how I have created these beLIEfs about who I am and think others like those in authority think I am. I remember growing up and being seen as a "talented" musician. This turned into the beliefs I have that support this Student character. I was an average student in high school and some classes I had trouble with. Most teachers always congratulated me on my music and all competitions we did in band or the ones I did individually. LOL, within just reading that last sentence I see another character, the Musician character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have seen myself as a talented musician while growing up and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed those in the community/city I lived in/around compliments to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when my past teachers congratulated me I went into a state of feeling good - feeling good that someone outside of myself recognized what I had accomplished in music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another persons praise or kind words cause me to have a good feeling as if I have accomplished something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need someone else to verify what my accomplishments are in order to believe that I am doing what I need to be doing or am on the right path.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that if another person gives me praise or kind words and it causes me to have a good feeling then I am not being self-directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a teacher compliments me that means I am doing something right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a teacher to compliment me and/or tell me that I am doing well in whatever it is that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that accepting praise from another person and having feelings based on this praise from another is an indication that I am looking for approval outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers I have don't think I am living up to my potential.

More on this to come...




Saturday, December 8, 2012

Day 96: the Student Character [Part 2]

In my last blog post I stated "I have this mental idea of who I am supposed to be around teachers. This mental idea is "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". This mental idea/creation is what I think the teacher thinks "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". So I am creating this idea not of only what I think but of what I think the teacher thinks. It is this mental idea/creation that I am not living up to. I think teachers don't think I am respectful and do what I am supposed to do. I am not living up to my own self created ideas of this 'student' character. 

I have labeled myself as a "student" and those whom teach as "teachers" and have created the "student" character around these definitions/labels. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a "student" 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if there is a "student" then there must be a "teacher". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically think a "teacher" is someone who is against me not realizing that these thoughts were created by myself and the "student" character that exists within me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing a teacher walking past me or in a class to exist as a trigger point, which triggers me to go into the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize when and as I act out the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/define myself as a "student" not realizing the beliefs I have created that go along with the "student" character. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that by defining/labeling myself as a "student" and those who teach as "teachers" that I am separating myself from myself and also separating myself from those who teach - living in separation by the definitions/labels I place on myself and others. 

I commit myself to stop the self-created labels/definitions I have placed on myself. I realize and understand that labeling/defining myself as a "student" only separates me from myself and those whom I interact with at school. 

I commit myself to stop when and as I act out the student character.

I commit myself to notice when and as seeing a teacher triggers me to go into another state of mind/the "student" character. 

I commit myself to stop all thoughts/emotions that I have towards myself and towards those who teach in school when and as I visually see those who are my teachers. 

I commit myself to stop separating myself from those who teach at the university just because they have a job in education. 

In my next blog post I will go into the beliefs I have created within/as the "student" character. 

Day 95: The Student Character

      When I look at those while at the university I see teachers as teachers and students as students. When I pass teachers in the hallway there is like this mental switch that clicks on that "oh here is a teacher" and when we part spaces and I see a student "oh here is someone who is not a teacher but a student". It is interesting, I have always noticed these changes that come up within me but have never realized what it is that I do when I go into these states of mind or characters. I have this mental idea of who I am supposed to be around teachers. This mental idea is "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". This mental idea/creation is what I think the teacher thinks "a respectful student who does everything he is supposed to do". So I am creating this idea not of only what I think but of what I think the teacher thinks.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Day 94: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part 3]

This is a continuation: Day 92: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part One] and Day 92: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part One]

Continuing with my "beef with education and academic teachers". Looking back on my experience while in middle and high school I realize something. It all started when I was in band. There was this separation that existed between band students and non-band students. We were always very successful and one of the top bands in the state with a very strict band director. There were those students who quit band because they hated the band director and his attitude. He was very strict and would use negative reinforcement and yell and scream at you if you fucked up so many quit band because of this and gossiped with other non band members and these non band members would talk shit because of what they heard from those members who quit. If you were in band in high school you couldn't do sports because of the conflict between rehearsals and practice. So there were band students and those who did sports in the extracurricular type of activities.

 At least three teachers in high school were football coaches. Two were biology teachers and talked shit about band while in class. I remember being in class and hearing this teacher say something bad about the band although I can't remember what. Us band members were aware of this type of hate speech and these teachers did it quite often. So I began to dislike any teacher who was a football coach and remember going to class and hating these type of teachers. They would have pets and they didn't like band students, at least most. The two music teachers didn't like the teachers who were football coaches and vice versa. Separation existed between the teachers and the students. Most of those in sports and us in band very much disliked each other. It was as if two cults were at war with each other.

It is interesting, after reading through what I just wrote here I realize this is when I started having emotional thoughts towards teachers.

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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Day 93: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part Two]


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this class is about learning and explaining what the philosophers views are we were assigned to read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I have to study for classes I don't enjoy instead of realizing that studying for classes I don't like is a part of what I have to do in order to graduate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in an emotional experience of anger and project it towards my teachers either in person or through backchat not realizing that I have been doing this for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to turn into backchat towards my teacher having thoughts of why he is wrong for what he believes in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs in my mind of why I am right and someone else is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for the way he conducts our class time not realizing that it is not about him but my reactions towards him so I am responsible for my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the thoughts that turn into beliefs and then turn into reactions when something doesn't line up with these beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know more than my teacher because of the knowledge and information I have received through desteni not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am using knowledge and information in order to justify why I think I am smarter than my teacher thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smarter than my teacher which separates me from my teacher and I place myself in a position of believing that I am better than him.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the educational system today trains teachers in a certain way and that it is not a teachers fault for teaching how they do because it is required by the system thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for my anger towards what we have to learn in school today and I realize that I will have to work with the system instead of separating myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that changing a system is more likely if one is a part of it not realizing that if one is not part of a system it is less likely to be changed.

I commit myself to understand what it is that the classes I am taking are about and the assignments we are required to do and if I don't to ask questions instead of waiting till the last minute to ask questions.

I commit myself to accept what it is that I must do in order to complete my classes and graduate.

I commit myself to notice when and as I become angry at a teacher for what we have to do in a class and to investigate what thoughts have caused these reactions of anger to come up within me.

I commit myself to investigate the beliefs I have and when these beliefs turn into emotional experiences of anger when someone doesn't agree with my beliefs.

I commit myself to notice when and as I have backchat of knowledge and information that I justify to myself as to why I am right and another person is wrong.

I commit myself to work with the educational system that exists today instead of separating myself from it.









Saturday, December 1, 2012

Day 92: My beef with education and academic teachers [Part One]

I am going to start looking at my views I have on education and the teachers I have. There will be many posts in this series. 

I have a paper due in a class very soon and have put off starting on it. This class is political philosophy and I always enjoy the discussions we have in the class. I emailed my teacher to ask him about my paper topic and to make sure I know that I am approaching the paper right and the topic is ok.  His response was "Your topic can be on greed but not capitalism.  You are not to critique a particular theory or ideology but discuss a theme as it relates to human nature and the course topics and readings.  So greed works, but not capitalism. you need to use print book or articles. If you have to use an electronic one you need to follow the protocols discussed in class Wed. I have gone over this assignment several times and you have had ample time and I'm really suprised you do not understand it at this point". His response pissed me off. I thought how can we not talk about capitalism in our paper if this class is called "political philosophy"? I now realize that this class is about studying what those call the "great philosophers" of the past like Plato, St. Augustine, Neitzche, etc... 

My backchat is partly to do with my reaction to his response to my question. He is conservative and talks very highly of our "troops". I have reacted in my mind towards him in class and think "this guy is full of shit", "I can't believe he is our teacher and is an academian idiot", "He thinks he is so smart but doesn't know anything". I am one of the few in the class who participate in discussion during class and we often talk about shit that has nothing to do with the philosophers that we are required to read for the class and so this pisses me off when we have to write a paper on these philosophers views when half of the class time is spent on discussion that has nothing to do with these philosophers. LOL, here I am complaining. 

The educational system that exists today doesn't teach us a damn thing but this is the world we live in so I am  going to have to learn how to work with it. So I am going to dig into this shit and investigate what my beef is with the system and investigate how I can learn how to work with the system instead of rebelling and getting pissed all the time at the system.