Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 103: Hope, Blame [Part 4]

This semester I failed a class and noticed myself becoming angry. I thought I would pass because I have half assed my way through other classes with this teacher and always got away with it. All of a sudden, he didn't accept my half assed work and I was surprised. Because of this I will have to go to school another semester and have gotten my money taken away for next semester. This really pissed me off. 

After I saw my grade and what the consequences of failing this class are, anger started to flow through me. I had thoughts of how I will see him in the future and will make it known to him that I don't like him anymore through my body language and attitude. How if I see him in the halls and he says hi to me I will just look at him and say nothing. It is as if after I saw that I failed I started creating ways in my mind of how to show him how angry I am at him. 

This is a point of hope. I hoped that I would just pass because I always have. I hoped everything would work out even though I knew I didn't do the work necessary in order to pass the class. Instead of seeing and realizing that it was my responsibility to do the work necessary in order to pass and didn't I blamed it on him. This anger and blame has nothing to do with my teacher but me. He did nothing to me even though I thought he did. 

This is something that I am going to have to look at because I know that this one situation is just one of many other similar situations I have went through. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I would pass because this teacher has always passed me in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to half ass my way through a class - thinking that I would pass because I have in the past not realizing that I am letting what happened in the past influence how I live today. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to half ass my way through a class because I have before in the past and gotten away with it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of going into a state of hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for giving me a failing grade. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my actions. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my teacher did nothing to me and that I blamed him for something I did not take responsibility for. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for doing the work necessary in my class in order to pass and in turn blamed my teacher for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that blaming my teacher helped hide the fact that I didn't take responsibility for doing the work necessary in order to pass the class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger when I found out that I failed a class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger at my teacher when I found out that I failed this class. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am actually angry at myself for failing the class and not taking responsibility for doing the work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger to turn into making up ideas in my mind of how to show this teacher how I don't like him anymore. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when and as I make up ideas of revenge in my mind that I am not here with the breath but in the mind. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these made up ideas of revenge are thoughts/ideas about something that will happen in the future thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create futuristic thoughts of how I will get back at another person for what I perceive to have been done to me. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of hope and to stop myself when I go into this state of mind by noticing I missed a breath and went into the mind. 

I commit myself to notice when I am blaming others for my actions and to bring the situation back to self.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my actions and responsibilities and to notice when I blame another for not taking responsibility for myself. 

I commit myself to notice when I become angry at another person and to bring the situation back to self and investigate the point of anger from the starting point of self. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into the mind and make up images of how I will show another person how I don't like them and I commit myself to stop these ideas that come up in the mind by realizing these ideas/thoughts are futuristic. 

I commit myself to bring back all situations of anger and blame back to self and to sort out these emotions that exist within/as me within the principal of what is best for all. 










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