Sunday, December 30, 2012

Day 105: Being spiteful towards teachers

Something else I have noticed about myself and my reaction towards failing this class and the teacher is I became very spiteful in my mind. I made up images in my mind of how I could somehow get back at my teacher for giving me a failing grade. LOL, it wasn't him who gave me the failing grade but me who earned the grade. It is rather crazy. I became spiteful towards someone who did nothing to me. At the time I believed this teacher had done something unjust towards me. It took me stepping back and looking my emotions in this situation to notice how spiteful I became. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful towards my teacher when I found out I failed his class. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this teacher did something wrong and mean to me by giving me a failing grade in his class not seeing, realizing, or understanding that he did nothing wrong or mean to me but it was me who believed him to have done something wrong or mean to me and within this I realize it was me who did not take responsibility for doing the necessary work in order to pass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas/images in my mind like seeing this teacher in the hallway and if he says hi to me I would just look at him and say nothing back and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that this mental idea/image is in fact spitefulness. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize when and as I go into a state of spitefulness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to protect my ego and go into a state of spitefulness when and as my ego is threatened. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold onto the memories of me half assing my way through other classes with this same teacher and passing when I didn't deserve to pass and since he didn't let me get away with half assing my way through this particular class that my spitefulness towards him was justified. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking or acting out physically acts of spitefulness is not what is best for all.

When and as I notice myself being spiteful towards another in my mind or in the physical - I stop and I breathe. 

I see and realize that going into a state of spitefulness is not living within and as the principle of what is best for all and I realize that spiting someone else is a way to protect my ego, ideas, beliefs, and self-definitions. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into a state of spitefulness and to bring back the situation to self in order to investigate why I went into a state of spitefulness. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself creating up ideas/images in my mind of how to spite someone. 

I commit myself to stop justifying my spitefulness towards others based on past events as I realize there are tons of ways and excuses that can be used to try and justify one's own spitefulness. 

I commit myself to notice and investigate the excuses for why my spitefulness should be justified. 

I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical when and as I notice myself being spiteful by noticing that spitefulness requires me to go into the mind and come up with ideas so they can be acted out at a later time and within this I commit myself to write out the ideas/thoughts of how I can spite someone else so when these ideas/thoughts come up I have the ability to stop myself on acting them out as I will know what these ideas/thoughts are.  











No comments:

Post a Comment