Thursday, December 26, 2013

Day 223: the Secret Life of Walter Mitty Review

Yesterday I saw the movie "the Secret Life of Walter Mitty", and I wanna share my thoughts and how I can relate to Walter in the movie. This was based on a book put out a long time ago.

Walter does this thing where he "zones out" and goes into the mind while missing the reality he is physically in. So he quite often goes into the imaginary reality of his mind. Anyone can relate to this imaginary type of thing whether it be backchat or imagined futures or whatever.



Two examples here:

 Walter sees a girl who he has a crush on and when he sees her he sometimes "zones out (as they call it in the movie)". He goes into the mind and imagines diving into a building that is about to blow up and saving his crush's dog. He imagines things that will impress her and "zones out" during these times while in actual reality she is right in front of him.

Another example is that Walter has a boss he doesn't like. There was a scene where Walter's boss gets on an elevator with him and he imagines this crazy fight where they are kicking the shit out of each other. When he comes back to reality he has noticed his boss poking him on the forehead with his index finger. This is a great example of extreme backchat.

Anyway, I don't want to give the whole movie away. He ends up finding out that in order to stop "zoning out" he does physical things and the more he does things in this physical reality the less he "zones out" and this is actual living. He learns how to live in the physical so to say more than he ever has through the adventures he ends up going through.

Ben Stiller plays Walter Mitty in this picture. Every time he "zones out" I could relate. For example, sometimes I would be around certain teachers and think "fuck you you simple minded piece of shit" in my mind while smiling or while even the teacher is talking I wouldn't even hear what the teacher was saying because I was "zoned out" in my own imagination.



The title of the picture was called the SECRET life of walter mitty for a reason because it focuses on the secret backchat and imaginations we all go through. It was a cool film.


Monday, December 23, 2013

Day 222: My Prejudice against Teachers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about the educational system to the point where an emotion of anger comes up within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I by myself can't change the educational system and by complaining about it to myself and others does nothing but give me a headache and cause anger within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my anger out on the teachers I have had. Thinking that they should change the way they teach to suit my individual ideas/wants of how I think a classroom should be ran.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe a teacher should change their teaching style in order to benefit me not realizing that in believing this I am not taking others into consideration and only myself and not realizing that this is self interest.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the shoes of the teachers I have had not realizing that this system is set up for the teachers to follow rules and not following the rules of what the people in the system expect can lead to firing or getting in trouble and not realizing that their income depends on following the rules.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a form of prejudice where I automatically dislike any teacher when I realize they are a teacher and that they are some form of evil that is against me not realizing that I am separating myself from anyone who may be a teacher.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my prejudice towards anyone who is part of the educational system as a teacher or administrator, etc.. is the same thing as being racist or sexist and that this form of prejudice is just as ignorant as being racist or sexist. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that whenever I place someone into a category them I am separating myself from them and participating in a form of prejudice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and purposely make it known to certain teachers that I have had that I don't like them through body language and through giving them dirty looks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because someone is a teacher that they are against me and out to get me not realizing that that this belief has to do with events that have happened in my past and not realizing that this belief is a confirmation that I am accepting and allowing my past to have an influence on me today. 

When and as I see myself complaining about the educational system like the teachers and others who work in it - I stop and I breathe. I realize the educational system is not as efficient as it could be and that complaining about it only creates anger within me that has an effect on me and those around me. I commit myself to stop the thoughts and emotions that come up within me when talking about education with others or reading something about education through noticing that the anger that comes up within me turns into verbal diarrhea combined with anger. 

When and as I see myself participating in a form of prejudice that I have towards teachers through thoughts and emotions - I stop and I breathe. I realize that just because someone is a teacher or works in the school system doesn't mean they are out to get me. I commit myself to stop the prejiduce I have towards teachers and those who work in the school system.

When and as I see myself thinking that assignments a teacher gives me and other students are stupid assignments and a waste of time - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am in school to get a piece of paper that might help me with my employment opportunities in the future. I commit myself to do the assignments the teacher assigns and instead of complaining about it to sit down and do it as I realize this is the way for me to graduate.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Day 221: Indoctrination and being Pissed Off!

Continuing on with my last post and within this I am going to write out how I feel about education. In the last post I said something like I am not coming from an emotional/feeling point when I look at the education I have received but I obviously am, lol. When I look at the education I have gotten myself into I am dissappointed. I remember a quote by Twain or Einstein, can't remember which one but the quote was something like "Never let your education interefere with your learning". This is how I feel about college and every other type of institution that has to do with learning or education.











So I am obviously pissed at the educational system for a lot of reasons that I am aware of. I sit here now and ask myself "what good is it to be so pissed off at this educational system?" I have been pissed off ever since I was in grade school - at teachers and classes and how things are ran, the system in general... but what good does this do? I realize that instead of being pissed off at how the educational system is ran today and all the bullshit involved that it would better to learn how to work with it. I realize that being pissed off at how today's educational system is conducted doesn't do anything but irritate myself and everyone around me. I can't change the system just because I don't agree with it. I am fighting fire with fire so to say.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Day 220: Indoctrinated

I have almost completed my undergraduate degree. I have one more gen ed class in order to get the piece of paper that says I have been indoctrinated by the educational system. As long as I have been in college I can say that I have learned nothing at all. All of the classes are about memorization and regurgitation. In all the history courses I have taken it has been more about the dates and memorization of these dates than actually investigating why and how events happened. How fucked up this educational system is, and I am not necessarily coming from an emotional/feeling perspective here. Yes, I am pissed about this educational system and how students are taught but anyone with any common fucking sense should be able to SEE and UNDERSTAND that we aren't learning anything in the classroom. What we are learning is how to reguritate information and knowledge rather than understanding the bits and pieces of how things have come to be in this world.



Within this rant I realize I am angry at the system and that bitching about it isn't going to do anything for me but give me a fucking headache.  I will continue with this..

Monday, October 21, 2013

219: The name United States is Stupid





I just had this thought while watching a google hangout so I am just gonna write about it. Nations, why do they exist? They exist because a group of people has a different set of beliefs different from other groups of people. This is separation. In the world we have different  countries. The earth is one fucking planet but we as humans try and create our own planets so to say... so we don't have to deal with people whom we don't agree with.

 In the United States we have a country called America or the U.S and within this country we have states. I guess that is why America can also be called the "United States", lol. Within these states we have counties and counties have different rules and laws. Is this really unity?

The whole name United States is completely fucking stupid. If we were united then why would we have states in the first place? Some might say that these people no matter what state they are from believe in the country as a whole but disagree with such areas like gay marriage or the legalization of drugs.

Some states have legalized gay marriage and some others haven't. I think 14 states have legalized gay marriage although I am not certain at the moment. Some states have legalized medicinal marijuana and some others haven't. An interesting thing here is that the federal government comes in and arrests people who have legally bought marijuana in the specific state where it was legalized. So the federal government has control over the states in this manner. Is this Unity?

This all comes down to separation and separating ourselves from those whom we don't agree with, and because we don't believe alike we decide to draw lines on maps and separate ourselves from each other. I understand that having counties is a cool way to recognize a certain area where a population exists or area of land exists but the laws are different between counties. We have dry counties and wet counties. This separation between humans creates different laws and the whole reason is because people disagree with each other.

Will continue later

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Day 218: More Conflict with Teachers Part Two

Continued from day 217

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask a teacher multiple times and expecting him to have taken responsibility for his commitments not realizing that I was expecting him to take responsibility for something and not realizing that expecting someone else to take responsibility is nothing but an idea that I have created in my mind and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe when a teacher says he/she is going to do something to actually believe it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I heard my teacher say "no" when I asked him if he had sorted out what he said he would sort out and within this decided to send him and other faculty an email and not realizing that when and as I sent this email that I was possessed with energy and was not aware of my breath or even aware that I am here but I instead accepted and allowed my emotions of anger to possess me without any self awareness. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place trust in teachers and to believe that these professors actually care about my education not realizing that I am placing trust in others instead of taking responsibility for myself.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within this system of education and instead of taking responsibility for myself I expect the teachers to change their ways according to my own way of how I think things should be done and within this not realizing that this is a form of revenge that only I am participating in which hurts myself and the relationship I have with these teachers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give dirty looks to the teachers who told the dean that I was acting inappropriately when I had class with them and secretly on the inside wanting them to know that I dislike them when we had eye contact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education. What an asshole"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that these teachers who went to the higher ups want to get me kicked out of school not realizing that if I approached them in a different manner where I was clear inside and not full of energy then I wouldn't have gotten in trouble.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I express my opinion to college professors that they will listen to me and change their opinion because I am a student and believe that they will act according to what is best for me and the other students.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I have backchat towards teachers, those in an authoritative position, or anyone in that matter and I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue with this backchat without investigating why it is that this backchat exists within me in the first place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when a person is on my mind and I think about them that I am participating in backchat and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that those people who I get along with that I don't usually have any thought at all about them and those who I don't get along with I think about - which is backchat.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize when and as energy exists within me to the point where I automatically act without any self awareness or not realizing that I am HERE and breathing. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the shoes of those teachers who I sent this email to, actually stopping myself and wondering how I would respond if I was a teacher and a student sent me an email like this. 

When and as I see myself believing that I can trust when a person says that they will do something and just assume that they will follow through with their commitments - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not responsible for others commitments and that I can only be responsible for my own and I realize that placing faith in others, assuming they will follow through with their commitments is lack of following through with my own commitments. I commit myself to notice when I assume that other people will follow through with their responsibilities and instead of blindly believing them to take the responsibility for myself as I realize I can't force someone to take responsibility but I can be responsible for my own making the better for myself and others.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger towards a teacher and I see myself giving dirty looks to the teacher with the want for them to notice I am angry at them through eye contact and facial expressions - I stop and I breathe. I realize that stopping myself through breathing in and out and investigating the situation later through self writing is a much better alternative than acting out my normal programming and and I realize that acting based on my emotions only creates conflict and separation between me and the teachers. I commit myself to be aware when I am acting out these emotions of anger towards teachers and to instead of acting out my normal programming to breathe through the emotions and to later write myself out so I can get to the bottom of why I had these emotions in the first place.

When and as I see myself thinking that these teachers who went to the higher ups want to get me kicked out of school - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this thought is a justification I use for my anger I have towards these teachers. I commit myself to investigate the anger I have towards teachers and why it is that I think my anger is justified.

When and as I see myself thinking "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education. What an asshole"- I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot change the way a teacher teaches or force someone to follow through with their commitments and that the only thing I can do is what the teacher expects of his students. I commit myself to instead of forcing my opinion of how I think things should be taught in class to do what the teacher expects as I realize that is the only thing I can do in this current system and that doing anything else otherwise won't work without consequences.

When and as I see myself having backchat towards a teacher whether in class, while in my apartment, or any other place - I stop and I breathe. I realize that backchat overtime can lead me to acting out irrationally in an energetic state. I commit myself to be aware of the backchat I have towards teachers and to write the backchat out.

When and as I see myself acting automatically where my body and mind is in an energetic state - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this energy is created by backchat and that by this time I am usually possessed by this energy and I realize that my actions I participate in while in this energetic state of mind are something that I usually will later regret. I also realize that if I took a step back and waited until the energy ran out then I most likely wouldn't have sent this email or instead communicated myself in a better way. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to act or do something that I normally wouldn't do when I am in an energetic state and instead to wait until the energy within me runs out and go over this situation again so I can get a perspective on the situation in a state where I am not possessed.

He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.S7Crdz7B.dpuf









A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off. - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.6IypF548.dpuf

A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off. - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.6IypF548.dpuf

A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off. - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.6IypF548.dpuf

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Day 217: More Conflict with Teachers

Recently I have had some conflict with a few of my teachers. So I am just going to write about what happened.



A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Not writing helps me see Part Two

Continued from Day 215

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of almost being done with school for not writing myself self out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of focusing on my school studies to justify to myself for why I shouldn't write myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of spending time with my friends to justify to myself the reason why I haven't been writing myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the friendships I have made during college.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the uncertainty of my future after college and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I won't be able to find a job when I am done with college.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving back in with my parents when I am done with college and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the party lifestyle that I participate in here at college.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write myself out when I am aware of things going on within me that need to be investigated and not realizing that writing myself out would support me and when I ignore these emotions, feelings, thoughts, imaginations, patterns I repress them and then more things happen within me to where everything becomes cloudy and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how easy it is to fall back into old patterns when I repress what is going on within me by not investigating myself.

I commit myself to investigate any excuses that may come up within me for justifying why it is I shouldn't write and excuses for why I should spend my time doing other things that I view as more important.

I commit myself to investigate through writing myself out the things that I fear losing and the fear I have of the future.

I commit myself to write out what is going on within me and the things that I am consistently aware of so I can sort these things out instead of letting them continue to the point where I repress them and just go along with the motions.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Day 215: Not writing helps me see

It has been a while since I have written a blog or anything for that matter and this has shown me the benefits of writing myself out.

I am almost finished with college and I have used the excuse of this for not writing. Excuses like, I should be focusing on my studies and enjoying the few months I have left with with my friends. I also see that I fear graduating and my future after I graduate. I fear losing the party type life that I currently am living in.

I usually write about shit that I am going through. Shit within me that is existent. And I have noticed that if I don't put it down here on the computer or on paper that I easily miss the bullshit that I accept and allow. Writing myself out helps keep myself steady and self aware of what I accept and allow within me. Since this period of not writing I have been aware of things that I could write about. For example, something happened during the day and I noticed that this something would be well worth writing about/investigating but I didn't do it. I kind of, in a way, repress what I am going through through not writing about it. Then something else happens and everything turns into this smush where it is hard to see who I am or what I am doing with my life. This is how it has always been before I starting writing myself out but after writing for two or so years on a pretty consistent basis and then recently stopping I see this clearly. Everything becomes cloudy and fucked up.

This period of not writing has helped me realize that writing myself out helps me become self aware and it is a great fucking tool. 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Day 214: My Life as a Skeptic Part Five

Today I watched a youtube video called "Dershowitz vs Chomsky debate Israel at Harvard"

Chomsky and Dershowitz were debating this topic and I realized I was a skeptic. I automatically thought that Chomsky's side of things would be correct according to my belief system and I was right, lol. What happened in this is that sometimes I couldn't hear Dershowitz's side of things because I had my mind already made up about who I thought was right on this topic.


While watching this debate, I realized that if I have my mind made up about something then I don't really hear the other side of something. Because I tend to like things that Chomsky talks about and his views on things I already automatically judged things before listening to this debate. I thought "Dershowitz is going to be wrong about everything". Watching this debate between Dershowitz and Chomsky has allowed me to see how bias I am. Sometimes I would have to go back and listen to a point of Dershowitz presented because I wasn't listening but was just sitting in my own mind, thinking I have the right view because I already, before hearing this shit, had made up my mind that Chomsky is right and Dershowitz is wrong. It is like, if I would listen to Chomsky debate anyone.. I would automatically believe Chomsky is right before a debate happens. My ego definitely limits me from hearing another person's point of view.

Being skeptical is actually bullshit, lol. This experience has allowed me to realize that pre conceived judgments are full of shit and don't allow me to hear another person's side of things. It is kind of like tuning another person out because the mind has already made up it's fucking mind. That is what happens, at least in my experience with this bullshit.



Friday, August 16, 2013

Day 213: Dealing with Financial Aid Part Two

Continued from day 212




I had to talk to the director of financial aid in order for them to recover the material I gave them that was apparently lost and then I felt this feeling of comfort. Here I am doing some self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the girl who was assisting me in the financial aid office when she told me that should couldn't find the paperwork that I turned in the previous week.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to even before I went to the office of financial aid to think that something is going to go wrong because of past experiences with dealing with financial aid and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within my imagination that things will go wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word financial aid to a negative charge in which anytime I hear the word financial aid my body and my thoughts go into a negative state and within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I have charged the words "financial aid" with an negative charge because I fear the debt that I am in thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being in debt.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was angry at the girl who was assisting me in making sure I would receive financial aid for this semester and not realizing that I talked to her in a nasty angry voice saying, "How could you lose the material I gave you?" - talking to her as if she was the one responsible and not realizing/seeing/understanding that she just works their and had nothing to do with how the material I gave to the financial aid office was misplaced. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I wonder if she thinks I am a dick?" not realizing that if I was breathing and not participating in thoughts of worry then I wouldn't have reacted in an angry/pissed off way and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my thoughts of worry like "What if my financial aid doesn't get processed before school starts?" created emotions of anger and worry within me that I took out on the girl who was assisting me in the financial aid office.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I participate within thoughts of worry that an emotion most likely will come after these thoughts and that thoughts help create emotions within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an automatic emotional reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I got a phone call from financial aid explaining that they found the information they couldn't find before that I went into a state of relief and comfort and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that thoughts of worry and emotions of anger allowed me to feel this experience of relief and if I wasn't participating in thoughts of worry and an emotion of anger then this relief/comfort would not have happened thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that thoughts help create emotions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge those people who are waiting in line at a fast food place or grocery store when they get pissed at the person working thinking I know what it is like to be in their shoes because I have worked at these types of places not realizing that I did the same thing while waiting in the financial aid office and got pissed at the lady who was assisting me.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone with anger who had nothing to do with why I became angry - realizing that I am automatically reacting - I stop and I breathe.

 I realize that I have taken out my own anger on other people who did nothing to me but just because I was angry. Realizing that I place my anger onto another person because I haven't investigated within myself why I am angry in the first place therefore instead of investigating this emotion of anger within me I direct it towards another person.

I commit myself to be aware of my body and thoughts when and as I react to someone in anger and within this I commit myself to investigate what it is inside me - the thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, judgments that caused this anger to happen within me so I can get down to the root or source of why I reacted this way in the first place.

I commit myself to stop myself with the breath when and as I notice/see that I am reacting to someone or something in an emotional way or a way based on feelings. I realize that if I react to someone or something automatically with anger or some other negative emotion then I do the same with the positive feelings I have towards someone or something thus creating polarity within the emotions/feelings I participate in.

I commit myself to stop the worry that exists within/as me by investigating what caused this worry in the first place. Getting to the root or source of why I worry about something or someone in the first place. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Day 212: Dealing with Financial Aid



Just a little while I went to the office of financial aid to turn in information and to make sure all the information they needed they have received. I turned in information last week and they apparently couldn't find it. As soon as this happened I said to the girl assisting me, "You lost it? What the hell?" I became angry and all sorts of thoughts came up like "What if my financial aid doesn't get processed before the semester starts?", "That dumbass lost my information.", "I can't believe this". I realized that when I said "You lost it? What the hell?" that I was placing my anger on this girl who was working there who had nothing to do with losing this important information. I felt kind of bad and wondered if she thought that I was a dick. Before we parted ways I said "I know it isn't your fault; this is frustrating."

So I reacted automatically without realizing what I was reacting to. It is interesting how we can realize how we reacted towards another person when the other person did nothing at all. This is quite stupid, lol.


Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 211: Bernard Poolman

It was quite shocking when I found out that Bernard passed away. Very unexpected. A few years ago I found Bernard's channel on youtube and was very interested in the things he was talking about.

 His voice was also something that hit me. He has that gravely sound that some have like Louis Armstrong, Tom Waits, and Dicky Barrett. That isn't what hit me though. What hit me was how he spoke. My attention would not wonder off. When he spoke I always saw something about myself that I was aware of that I don't want to take responsibility for. A few years ago I was taking a break from practicing my horn and decided to listen to some youtube videos. Youtube is kind of a hobby of mine. Anyway, I came across more and more videos of Bernard speaking and I couldn't listen. I knew that if I did then I would see a part of myself that was ugly and was not ready to take responsibility for. I thought, "I don't want to hear what he has to say because it is going to allow me to see a reflection of myself." I feared investigating who I am and what I have become. He was a blunt fucker who told things as they are without any made up bullshit. Eventually I got over this selfish stupidity.



The interesting thing is that not many people have the ability to teach but Bernard did. I never physically met Bernard but have had chats with him. What I can say about Bernard is that he taught me nothing. He taught me how to teach myself. He taught me about self investigation, self exploration, and self honesty. That is what a REAL teacher is. A good teacher is someone that shows you how to teach yourself. So, according to "A good teacher is someone that shows you how to teach yourself," then he was the best teacher I have ever had.

When I found out he passed away I realized that I would never meet him. In my mind, after I graduated I planned on visiting the farm, as others have explained that it is a supportive and awesome experience. This thought came up and emotions of sadness came up within me. "I will never meet Bernard." I imagined it being this awesome experience and now this imagined idea of an awesome experience will never happen. This is an example of how I imagine the future and think of the future rather than being here as breath.

He taught me about self interest. I realized that I was and am still living within/as self interest. Bernard taught me how to look at all things and living things and not just the ones in my immediate environment. Looking at the whole, the collective and not only the individual immediate environment shit.

I have been ranting on here. There is plenty more I could write about but I am stopping here. I am grateful that Bernard lived among us. He was a human being that truly cared about all life. Thank you Bernard.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Day 210: My Life as a Skeptic Part Four



Continued from days 207, 208, and 209

I commit myself to investigate myself when and as I notice myself becoming angry at another person instead of accepting and allowing this anger I have towards other people to continue as I realize that disecting this anger allows me to see why I became angry in the first place and allows me the opportunity to take responsibility for my anger that I couldn't do if I didn't investigate the anger I have towards other people. 

I commit myself to stop the judgment of those who are religious through self awareness, noticing when and as I judge someone who is religious as stupid and brainwashed, and after I am aware that a judgment has been made to stop and breathe and I commit myself to be aware when I have backchat towards another person that involves me placing a person into the category "dumb religious people."

I commit myself to stop separating myself from religious people and to not accept or allow my preconceived judgments towards someone who is religious to influence my communication, speaking, or involvement with them. 

I commit myself to be aware of myself when and as I am placing another person in a category as I realize that when I place someone in a category or label a person that the very fact that I am labeling the person is judgment. 

I commit myself to be aware of when I label myself, place myself in a category and to stop separating myself from other people who may be part of a certain group by realizing that they are a human just like me. 

I commit myself to be aware of myself when and as I label someone that I have to interact with in school as a choir person, marching band person, or a classical person. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I see a woman that has a long dress on and long hair - showing that she is part of a certain religion to stop and breathe and not accept and allow backchat to continue through realizing that I am judging someone that I know nothing about and can never know anything about as it is impossible for me to have lived in her shoes. 

I commit myself to investigate all sides of a specific subject and to not allow my pre-judgment of the subject to influence what parts of the specific subject I am investigating and I commit myself to stop myself and breathe when and as feelings/emotions come up within me about the specific subject that I am investigating. I do not accept or allow myself to investigate something for the sake of proving myself right to myself or another person. 

I commit myself to investigate the skeptic character that exists within me and what has led me to become a skeptic about a specific topic/subject. I realize that when I am skepitical about a certain subject/topic, whatever it is, is because i have already judged the subject/topic without proper investigation because when and as I go into the skeptical character I do so for the purpose or goal of being right. Wanting/desiring myself to to prove to myself and others that I am right and all others who don't agree with me as wrong. 

Day 209: My Life as a Skeptic Part Three

After reading through my past two blog posts I realize that I have not been a very good investigator. Being skeptical towards religion and Christianity is just one example of my skepticism. I have researched certain parts of something that will prove myself right because I want to be seen as being right, correct, intelligent. This is ego and self interest. Wanting to be seen as better and more intelligent than others even though I haven't investigated whatever it is that I am researching properly. I have judged before I have investigated so what I end up investigating will be chosen like picking parts here or there that will confirm that my initial judgment was correct. 



Self Forgiveness on days 207 and 208

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger where I became angry at my parents for making me go to church instead of realizing that I was only forced to go to church and that Christianity was not shoved down my throat because when growing up while at home Christianity and the beliefs of the church were rarely talked about. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that believes in a God, anyone who is a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, anyone who is religious as stupid and brainwashed not realizing that my judgment of religious people is based on my observation of the activity that went on in the churchs I went to while growing up and my observation of religious people throughout the world and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I meet someone and find out that they are religious to immediately classify/judge/label them as stupid not realizing that I am separating myself from them by placing them into a category of people who I think are brainwashed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall to the opposite side of Christianity - Atheism, not realizing that when I became an "Atheist" I did so based on my observations of the churchs I went to while growing up and not realizing I became an "Atheist" because I was angry at religion and Christians. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself according to the beliefs I have had - spiritual beliefs like Christianity and later as an Atheist. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label others that I went to high school with as preps, jocks, stoners, nerds, goths, and band geeks not realizing that I am separating myself from others by placing them into a specific category and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that these categories that I have placed people in while in high school is how I still judge others today - judging someone based on how they dress and who they hang out with or talk to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going shopping at the grocery with my ex girlfriend and our roommate and seeing a mom with long hair and a long dress with her two daughters with long hair and long dresses on where I became angry and imagined myself going up to the two young girls and telling them to not listen to their mother because she is brainwashing them not realizing that I was so angry because seeing this mom and her two daughters who had long hair and long dresses on reminded me of my first serious girlfriend who dumped me and all of a sudden became "Apostolic" who only wore long dresses and had long hair. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame Jesus for how Christians are and act today instead of realizing that Jesus has nothing to do with how Christians live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read the bible looking for verses that will prove to me that Christians and the bible are evil and focusing on these verses instead of reading the stories that are in the books of the bible not realizing that before I even investigated the bible or Jesus I had my mind made up which led me to gather a biased opinion and further fueled my ego and anger towards those people who call themselves Christians. 


















Thursday, August 1, 2013

Day 208: My Life as a Skeptic Part Two

Continued from day 207

When I went to college I had the chance to vote in 2004 and didn't vote because I thought my single vote wouldn't make any difference, so I didn't vote. A few years later I saw the movie zeitgeist and I started questioning things. Very interesting film. The religion part of the movie was interesting and I suppose some truth in it exists. I also found out about Ron Paul during this time and thought he made sense in the republican debates. Hearing him speak got me interested in politics, the economy, the federal reserve, the WTO, the IMF, America's foreign and monetary policy, the drug war, the United Nations, present and past wars and things like that so I started researching this shit. This is when I started to become skeptical. 



After seeing Zeitgeist, it reminded me of my past and the shit I saw in the church, and that question I have asked for a long time "What if someone isn't a Christian but is a good person, will they go to hell?" I became angry at all religious people around this time. I remember one time going shopping with my roommates and I saw an apostolic mom and her two daughters in the store. They all had long hair and were wearing long skirts. Her two daughters were quite young. I became very pissed off and thought this was brainwashing. Well, it is brainwashing and abuse because all children come into this world as innocent beings but are programmed through environment and  through certain genetic conditions. Anyway, those two young children were maybe 8-10 years old and I imagined myself walking up to them and telling them that they were being brainwashed and that they should not listen to their mom. That is what I wanted to do. I imagined myself doing just that in my mind. 

After all of this I looked at all Christians as evil and had so much anger towards them as I still do today, although it has lessened and isn't as intense as it was. But although I was raised in the church I never found out any of the principles of what Jesus stood for except "Love Your Neighbor As Yourself." I saw that obviously the majority of those who were members of my dad's church's did not live according to that principle. I ended up hating Jesus and blamed Jesus for how people treated each other. I know in society a lot of people make fun of Jesus in all kinds of things like films, stand up comedians, things like that. I hated Jesus and never investigated anything about Jesus because I thought that I knew all about Jesus through going to church and seeing how his followers treated each other. This is a perfect example of skepticism because I thought I knew all about the Chrisitan religion and Jesus but I never investigated what Jesus stood for. I realize that the bible has been written by men and not by the so-called imaginary God that people worship. So I didn't investigate the actual message of Jesus. 

I had to investigate both sides of Christianity; the Atheist and the Christian. After doing this I realized that both sides are more concerned about the bible and fighting each other based on ego than the message that Jesus stood for. Some Christians take some bible verses literally and some don't. Some Atheists take the obvious evil bible verses that bash females, gays, and those verses that are pro slavery and things like that and focus on them. I used to do this. But the bible was written by males and not by a God. It seems that a very small amount of Christians and Atheists know the principles of Jesus and what he stood for. 

I now realize that egos and skeptics go hand in hand. 

I will continue with self forgiveness next time

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Day 207: My life as a Skeptic Part One

I listened to the vlog Creation's Journey to Life "Day 461: Skeptics failed the Jesus message" yesterday and after listening I realized a few things about myself and how I actually live out the word "Skeptic." So in this post I am going to go through some history about what led me to be a skeptic and later go into more detail. 

Different forms of skepticism exist like religious skepticism, philisophical skepticism, scientific skepticism and others. According to Wikepedia, "Skepticism" means:

Skepticism or scepticism (see spelling differences) is generally any questioning attitude towards knowledge, facts, or opinions/beliefs stated as facts,[1] or doubt regarding claims that are taken for granted elsewhere.[2]

So that is the definition of skepticism and now I am going to go into some history about myself and later post how I have lived this word called "skepticism" based on this history. 



 Through my life I started questioning things in high school. I would wonder "what about the people who were born in China or India? Are they going to hell because they don't believe in God?" I asked myself this question and even other people this question because at that time I was a "Christian" but I never put any effort into being a "Christian." I would go to church because I was forced to. The older I got through high school the less I was forced to go. But that question, "What about those who were born in different countries? Do they not go to heaven?" I saw how those who went to my father's church would act. In every church that my father preached at I noticed drama and cliques within the congregation. It has always reminded me of going to school and how the public school system is in America. Cliques like preps, jocks, stoners, nerds, losers, band geeks, artsy people, goths, etc... existed and going to church I found the same thing happening except the members of the congregation would dress the same and be involved in mostly one activity which was going to church and church type of dinners. I saw the similarity between the cliques in church and school and started thinking that "Christians" are full of shit and are not good people. I thought why would all this drama between members of the same church exist. 

Another thing is that I wondered why so many denominations existed. I remember asking my father when I was young, "What is the difference between a 'Baptist' and a 'Catholic'?.. If we are all 'Christians' then why do we call ourselves 'Baptist' or 'Catholic'? Why do 'Catholics' and 'Methodists' and 'Baptists' talk shit about each other? I was never given an answer that made any sense. All the preps, jocks, stoners, nerds, Goths, band geeks, etc... labels in school now seemed to correlate to religion because of the labels like Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Apostolic, etc... 

I also wondered why some girls had really long hair and only wore dresses. Apostolics do this and also the males are not allowed to wear shorts. I could and still can see if a female is an Apostolic or of a similar faith by what she is wearing. 

In my next post I am going to continue with this and eventually get to the point what led me to becoming skeptical about pretty much everything. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Day 206: Overheated Chickens Die

Today I went downstairs to look for my wallet because I was planning to go to town. When I got downstairs I saw my dad in the corner holding a chicken that was overheated. Her eyes were rolling back into her head while breathing with her beak open. He brought her in to cool her off. As soon as I saw the chicken and how she was breathing I got very emotional. I ended up tearing up while watching her in my father's lap. She is still downstairs right now.

I ended up getting angry about the situation and complaining to him that he should take better care of them. There are four chickens in the back of the chicken house that don't have access to the outside and I started telling him that they are living in hell. I said "How can a living thing be happy when it isn't allowed to see the sun?" Every time he puts those four chickens with the rest they get picked on so that is why he keeps them in the back in this 4x12 space. Anyway I was crying and telling him that he should take care of them better.



I went online and checked how to help a chicken that was overheating and my mom came in asking me what I was doing and why I looked upset and where my father was. I went back into the room and told him putting cold water on the chicken's cone is supposed to help her cool down so I got a glass of cold water and dipped my finger in the glass and dropped it on her cone.

My dad and I kept talking and my mom said "You are more upset about this chicken dying than when your grandma died." The chicken is still alive though. I explained that I agree with the principle that ALL life should be taken care of and respected and especially when someone has the responsibility of caring for another life no matter what form it may be in.

After writing the previous paragraph I realize that I could've helped with the chickens and cooling them off but didn't realize it until I went outside and felt the heat and saw one right in front of me on the verge of death.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 205: More on habits and consistency

 Continued from days 202, 203 and 204

In this post I am continuing on with the imaginitive ideas about myself having changed something about myself; where I think of how something will be like in the future if I were to change something about myself. There are a lot of things that I would like to change about myself and they keep coming up within me. When I look back on what I have actually changed about myself it was one simple thing that I walked through for quite a while of time. Stopping weed and soda have been the most prominent habits I have changed.

This is the second summer that I have lived with my parents in a long time. Six years or so of not living with them besides visiting for a week or so on the holidays. I quit drinking soda for 8 months or so and have started to drink it again because every time I open the fridge it is right there. When I see it I want one and decide to drink one because it is right there. Sometimes when I am pissed off about something and open the fridge I see the soda and think "fuck it, it doesn't matter if I drink this soda or not." so I reach out and grab the can of pop. 

When looking back at this habit of stopping soda it was the only thing that I was involved in changing. It was the simple choice of stopping all fizzy drinks besides beer and it was not as hard as I imagined it to be. There is so much shit I want to perfect about myself and I imagine myself as that person sometimes. I realize that I can only change one habit at a time because changing one habit at a time, a period of 1 to 6 or 8 months allowed me to walk it physically. But here again I am drinking soda because I have accepted and allowed myself to while seeing it right in front of me to grab it just because it is right in front of my ass.

So I realize that if I am to change a specific habit that I participate in it means that I can only walk that one habit otherwise it won't work. It is almost impossible for me to take stopping two addictions at the same time. This is related with the imagination factor. The way I imagine myself having changed a habit or addiction. I have noticed the more I walk just ONE POINT at a time the less these imagined thoughts of changing something about myself come up because when walking just one point at a time means that I am doing it physically. I am actually walking a point instead of imagining myself walking it.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Day 204: Consistency is not likely when Feelings and Emotions are Involved.

Continued from days 202 and 203

When and as I see/notice myself believing/trusting my imagination where I believe that I will follow through with exercising on a daily basis - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I trust/believe futuristic thoughts of how things will be like in the future, that it is based on energy, and when tomorrow comes I will not feel the same because the energy was lost by simply running out, or was lost through sleeping and waking up, thus I realize/see/understand that no thought/feeling/imagined idea can be trusted that I participate in because energy is always connected to my thoughts/feelings/imagined ideas.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself thinking about the benefits of exercising on a daily basis as I realize that when I am thinking about the benefits of exercising that I am thinking about myself and how things could be in the future and actually accept and allow myself to be possessed by the goal. 

I commit myself to read my past blog posts so I can see what patterns that I am participating in. I realize that writing myself out has allowed me to see what patterns are most prominent in my life in which I participate in. 

I commit myself to notice myself as I think about what things will be like in the future as I realize that when I am thinking about how whatever it is will be like in the future that I am participating more in the mind than participating more in the physical.

I commit myself to be aware when and as feelings/emotions come up within me about a physical activity that I participate in as I realize that when I cling on to feelings/emotions when it comes to a physical activity whether it be playing my horn, exercising, hitting the sack around, etc... that I create ideas in my mind of how these activities will go and therefore limit my ability to paritipate in these activities breath by breath. I do not accept and allow myself to think of the benefits of exercising - losing my belly fat, having more physical energy, how physical activity helps with depression so when and as I have these thoughts of thinking/picturing myself as having lost weight, being happier than I am now and having more energy I stop myself through breath.

I commit myself to when and as I notice myself participating in what things could be like in the future if I keep exercising to stop and breathe. I realize that thinking how things may or may not be like in the future if I keep on exercising means that I am satisfied more in my mind than I am acting walking the exercising out in the physical and therefore create highs by thinking and feeling. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

Day 203: Consistency is not likely when Feelings and Emotions are Involved.

Continued from day 202

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think of the benefits of playing hacky sack, jogging and walking, and doing sit ups will be like in the future not realizing that this imagined idea of the future is based on energy and it gets me excited and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that this energy begins with a futuristic thought of how things will be and then leads to a feeling of excitement which then leads to a feeling of energy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with this energy not realizing that this energy helps create more thoughts about the benefits of exercise will be like 30 days from now or anytime in the future and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the chain reaction of a futuristic thought leading to a feeling of excitement and then an energetic feeling to blind me from the physical and keep me in the mind where it is that I think I am actually doing something by thinking about it instead of physically doing it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my writings within my journey to life blog and my previous blog have shown that I have accepted and allowed futuristic thoughts about how things will be like in the future have lead to me being possessed by energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the thoughts that lead to a feeling of excitement and then create a feeling of energy that I can feel physically with my body instead of realizing that this energy is not sustainable because after sleeping and waking up the next day I will not feel as hyped up about exercising because it was all created in the mind instead of walked physically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see when and as I become possessed with thoughts of how things will be like if I keep exercising and how it will benefit me in the future. I realize that when and as I get excited about how something may be like in the future that I am not physically walking it as effectively as I could if I just did the thing everyday without becoming possessed with the futuristic thoughts, excitement, and energy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this feeling of excitement and energy that was created by imagining how I will be like in the future if I exercise everyday created a good feeling within me that feels good, basically getting high off of my own thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that thought/feeling/imagination has held me back in me being consistent with whatever activity it is that I do because I have created myself to do activities based on futuristic mind projections and feelings.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that waking up and playing the trumpet for 2-3 hours every morning in the beginning was not a fun thing to do where I thought that doing it was useless but after doing it for several months these thoughts changed because I walked physically through the thoughts and physically did the thing instead of thinking about doing the thing and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/understand that I can program myself to do any activity if I physically do that thing over and over until it becomes habit.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my emotions/feelings/thoughts/imaginations to play more of an important role within me than actually physically doing the thing/activity it is that I do and within this I realize that imagination/thought about doing an activity and the results of what the outcome will be have only held me back from physically doing the activities that I participate in.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Day 202: Consistency is not likely when Feelings and Emotions are Involved.



When I look at something I want to change about myself a lot of stuff happens and most of this "stuff" has to do with my imagination and not with my physical living. For example, I have been playing hacky sack lately and been exercising as in jogging/walking and doing sit ups and things like that. When I am done I think about what would happen if I kept doing these things everyday and what the end result would be. In many of my past blog posts it can be seen that I think about the outcome of doing something more than actually physically doing it. Like the other day I got done walking and jogging and started thinking what the benefits would be if I did that everyday for a month and this excitement came up within me but then... I now see/realize/understand that this excitement is based on energy and when the time comes tomorrow to do the same thing I will feel differently about it and I won't feel as hyped up about exercising as i was when I had those excited thoughts.

When reading through my past blog posts I can see/understand that this imaginative part of myself is very prominent within me and holds me back from walking physically day by day and breath by breath. So whenever I get excited about changing something about myself I know that it isn't real because that excitement is only energy and it runs out and the next day when the time comes to do the activity that I was excited about won't feel the same. I realize now that consistency with whatever activity, habit, skill etc... is not based on feelings because if it is the likeability of being consistent is less likely because it was based on an energetic feeling - like with me the excitement of thought and looking at the end result through thought instead of walking it in the physical. This I can see through playing the trumpet for many years and when I began doing the trumpet routine. Getting up everyday early and playing through the basic fundamentals of what it takes to play a brass instrument. A lot of the time I did not want to wake up and do it, which is an emotion. Eventually after six months of doing this it became habit and no emotions/feelings were involved. Well emotions and feelings still come up within me about playing this trumpet routine but it isn't as prominent as it was when I first started it. So I can see within this that the way to change myself is to do the thing and look at and investigate what emotions, feelings and thoughts come up within me.

Again, I have read through a lot of my past blog posts and this same point keeps coming up and I now understand that changing myself will not work as in consistency if emotions, thoughts and feelings are involved with why it is that I am doing what I am doing. So I see that I need to investigate the emotions, feelings and thoughts that come up within me when I am walking a point of changing a habit, studying, or learning a skill.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Day 201: Suppressed Fear and Regret

I haven't written in a little while and thought it was about time to write. There has been a lot of shit rolling around in my noggin lately. I notice that the more thoughts and imaginations are going on within me the more it is difficult to sit myself down and just write. There is too much shit to go through when I am thinking/wondering about things. So I am going to go through some of this in this blog post.

This December I am finally going to graduate. There has been a lot of guilt within me about how I have wasted years of my life going to school. I could have graduated years ago but decided to switch majors and this has caused me guilt. All of the bullshit that happens when you switch majors sucks. When I did switch majors the university was in the middle of a catalouge change so I took a lot of classes and took out money for classes that weren't needed and this always pissed me off. When I was with my adviser and he told me I have taken a lot of classes that were not part of my degree I was pissed and had to go from there.

I have a lot of fear about graduating school because that is what I have basically been doing for my whole life. I have had jobs here and there but my life has consisted mainly of going to school, and the idea of graduating from college is kinda scary because I have no idea what lies ahead of me when I graduate. I fear that I won't be able to get a job with my degree in "jazz studies." I regret getting a degree in "jazz studies" because it is a very competitive world today and especially in something like music. Lately I haven't even been playing my horn because of this guilt and regret.

Will continue with this...

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Day 200: Sharing with Family and Friends.

Sharing desteni is something I have done for a while. I share blogs and vlogs of destonians on facebook. When hanging with a friend I sometimes show them a youtube video. Usually the response is like "WTF! I don't get it." or they are totally against the message. Relatives have reacted to what I post on facebook. Sometimes family and friends will make smart ass remarks to me about desteni and gossip will happen. People have came up to me and said, "I heard that you are in a cult. Is this true?" When I am with a friend and we watch a video on youtube we will usually have discussion afterwards. Sometimes an argument will come up and I will try and prove myself right until the person gives up or I give up. This is based on energy and the desire of arguing. It is also based on knowledge and information. Shit that I haven't walked yet. What I have came to realize is that sharing the message with friends, say while hanging out - Watching a video and then debating on it is not the way to share the message of oneness and equality and desteni. Trying to prove oneself right based on all of this knowledge and information. Once something is walked and lived then people in your life will react and say something like "Your different than before. What happened to you?" So it is the living and walking that's what it's about instead of the sharing and debating/arguing. For example, I have came across many friends and they ask me about the weed thing. Some have said "You have changed." Within space and time the people you know will reflect back to you your change if you are walking process. This is something I have misunderstood. I used to and still do sometimes, shove all of this knowledge and information in anothers face.


Day 199: Afraid to Ask Questions Part Two

Continued from day 198

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ask teachers questions when I don't understand something about an assignment or don't understand something about the class.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not ask questions in class because I think others will judge me as stupid or that my question is stupid not realizing that this is a thought and that I am acting on the thought of thinking others will think I am stupid or that my question is stupid and within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear asking questions in class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask questions while in class because I want to be seen by others as a "smart" person who doesn't need to ask questions not realizing that this my ego at play and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to be seen as a "smart" person not realizing that this is a point of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea in my mind that I am "smart" and don't need to ask questions in class because I am "smart" and I forgive myself for acting/living the idea of being seen as "smart" in the eyes of others instead of being me as I am.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when and as I am in class and don't ask questions because of the fear of being seen as stupid by others that I am acting out a character - this character is the "smart" character thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see when and as I act/live out this character.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when and as I act out the "smart" character that I am living in the mind and not as myself as who I am in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to when and as I don't understand something about an assignment or what we are supposed to study for a class to ask the teacher either while in class or if it is a lecture class I commit myself to ask the teacher my questions after the class is over.

I commit myself to be aware of when and as I fear asking questions to a teacher.

I commit myself to stop the "smart" character when and as I notice myself acting it out by realizing/seeing that when I go into the "smart" character that I wonder/think what others might be thinking about me and when and as I see myself acting out this character I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop and breathe in and out when and as I am thinking that others will think that I am stupid or that the question I want to ask is stupid. 

I commit myself to investigate all the characters that I act out and the reasons why I act out these characters.







Thursday, June 27, 2013

Day 198: Afraid to ask questions

I am taking an online class right now and have thought of emailing the teacher to make sure I understand everything correctly and somehow convinced myself that it wasn't necessary to email the teacher with my questions. After this, I started looking back on how I act in the classroom and realized that I don't ask questions when I really want to ask questions about something to do with assignments or not understanding the material. I know I should be asking the question but do not because I think others will think that I am stupid or that the question that I ask will be seen as stupid. LOL,

 What I have learned through this process is that when I say things like "I know I should be asking the question but do not because I think others will think that I am stupid or that the question that I ask will be seen as stupid" that I am believing my own thoughts and actually acting on them. In this case not asking questions because I believe others will think that the question I ask is stupid. It is me believing this bullshit not the other people. I have no idea what another person thinks, usually. So this is me acting on my own thoughts.This is a point of fear but it is mainly ego. Because I think others will think my questions are stupid it means that I fear stepping outside of the image that I believe I am. This is so fucked up because it is only me who believes this bullshit, lol.

Anytime I feel the need to ask questions and don't it is only because of Ego. Quite a fucked up thing.