Thursday, January 31, 2013

Day 121: You don't know what jazz is

Today during student recital there was this marimba player who played a jazz tune. It was all written out just like a classical person would play it so I automatically started to have judgments towards this music and the person who was playing it. I thought "this is not jazz. He is good at reading notes but can't improvise at all." It made me pissed off because I know people think that what he was playing jazz but it wasn't really jazz but just 7th chords that sound jazzy. I got pissed because the students in the audience think that jazz is easy when they have no idea that jazz is about improvisation. Hearing a classical player play written music in a jazz form just pissed me off, lol. When he was done I didn't clap like the audience did. There was just this backchat like "people have no idea what jazz is."

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Day 120: the Flu and Responsibilities

For the past 5 days or so I have been sick with the flu and couldn't do much of anything besides lay down and occasionally get up to make food and go to the restroom. I still feel like shit although a little bit better. I can't remember the last time I have had the flu. Anyway, I let one teacher know that I couldn't be at class and didn't let the other one know. I didn't send  an email or anything so he had no idea what was going on. I planned on emailing him the day of but when the time came I felt so much like shit I didn't do it.

If I could get up and take a piss and get up and make some food then I was able to simply email my teacher and let him know what was going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let one teacher know how I was sick instead of all other teachers that I had classes with not realizing that he had no idea why I wasn't in class because I didn't let him know.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to treat all my teachers equally in ways of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan on emailing my other teacher because the class was the next day and I would have time to do it later, using this as an excuse for not taking responsibility the moment I realized I wouldn't be going to class the next day.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I was able to get up and cook food and get up and piss then I was surely able to email my teacher to let him know I wasn't going to be able to make it to class.

I commit myself to when and as I am sick and am not able to make it to class to email all teachers that I have classes with in the current day and the next day.

I commit myself to communicate with all of my teachers equally instead of communicating with some more directly than others.

I commit myself to when and as I am sick to physically communicate with those whom I normally have to be involved with as I realize that if I can get up and piss and make food then I can send an email.






Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Day 119: Eating the brownies that get you high continued



Continued from day 118

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cook weed brownies for females just because they are attractive females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotional feeling of excitedness when hanging around females and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this excitedness to direct me instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make weed brownies because the girls who asked for them to be made were attractive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification of eating a weed brownie because I usually smoke weed instead of eating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed being around attractive girls to influence me into making excuses of it being ok to eating weed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have said no to being offered weed from these people and just because of the idea of the cooking weed sounded fun I accepted and allowed myself to participate in eating a brownie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse "I never smoke with X so I might as well" not realizing that I am accepting and allowing other people in my immediate environment to control my actions instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "it has been so long and I wanna know what it is like to get high" when and as I am around those who are smoking weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "shit, that smells good" which triggers a desire/want to smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I don't even remember what it is like to be high" not realizing that this was an excuse for me to justify my desire/want of getting high.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don't need to get high in order to hang out with friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the environment I am around to influence me into making decisions instead of realizing that if I accept and allow my environment to control me then I am not being self-directive.

I commit myself to stop justifying doing actions for another female just because they are an attractive female and accepting and allowing the reason because they are a female to influence me into making up justifications/excuses for my actions.

I commit myself to stop using justifications of why I should smoke weed with other people just because I haven't hung around them in a while and because it was something we did together in the past.

I commit myself to direct myself when and as I am around those who are smoking weed - not accepting or allowing my environment to influence me into making decisions I wouldn't normally make as I realize that I am the one who directs my life and what I accept and allow.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Day 118: Eating the brownies that get you high

Here I am talking about my relationship with weed and how I have fallen a few times since I committed myself to stop getting high and these experiences of getting high and the justifications/excuses I used.

I have fallen a few times since my commitment of stopping weed. I smoked a few times with some girls and once with a buddy that I don't see that often. This all happened a few months ago.

Some of my friends wanted to make brownies so I said we could make them where I was hanging out at and I made them and ended up eating a brownie. I accepted and allowed the excuse of eating weed over smoking it to justify my reason to eat one. I thought "I haven't gotten high in the eating form that many times and plus all of these females are over here." I hang with these girls sometimes and have said many times no to the offer of smoking.



During the X-mas break I was hanging out with a friend that I don't see that often and he likes to smoke. I was hanging out with him and his dad and his dad handed me a pipe. Automatically the thought, "I never smoke with X so I might as well" Again I accepted and allowed the people I am around to influence me into making up excuses of why I should get high. This is not self-direction.

The other night some friends were smoking weed in front of me and I felt the desire/want to do it. I thought "it has been so long I wanna know what it is like to get high." So I smelled it and thought "shit, that smells good" and wanted to hit it but didn't do it. It would have been so damn easy because my buddies were sitting right next to me and I could smell it. The desire/want to grab the joint was there and other thoughts like "I don't even remember what it is like to be high" came up but realized that since I quit and then got high those few times it is not as fun as I thought it was in the past and not necessary in order to have a good time with those whom I am hanging out with.

So I have gotten high a few times since I quit smoking weed and have noticed that smoking is not that fun as how I have made it out to be in the past. The high was different than when I smoked a lot. It is leaving this reality for a bit and then coming back to this reality. Every time the high was gone I thought "What the Hell" this is was I felt in the past while getting high? It is not even that fun.

 It is not necessary to use because why use something that will get you high and bring you back to this reality when our thoughts/emotions/feelings/reactions/behaviors do that enough in the first place.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Day 117: Procrastination and emails continued

For context check out days 111-113, 115 and 116

When and as a feeling of toomuchness/overwhelmingness comes up within me about all the things I procrastinate towards - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only work on one point at a time and if I keep thinking about all the areas in my life where I procrastinate a feeling of toomuchness/overwhelmingness will come up where I end up standing still and not moving with a single point. I commit myself to focus my attention on my procrastination with homework and to stop all thoughts about all the things I procrastinate with through breathing and moving directly to my homework when and as I feel that there is just too much to take on.

When and as I think “I will do my homework later” and I notice that I have skipped studying and reviewing what was went over in class during the last time this class met - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I tell myself that “I will do my homework later” and later comes I end up telling myself again “I will do my homework later” which is procrastination. I commit myself to when and as I tell myself that “I will do my homework later” to stop what it is that I am doing and to do the homework and what needs to be done in that moment.



When and as I notice myself making excuses/justifications of why I should skip going to class - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I use excuses such as “We are allowed to miss three days of classes so I should take advantage of them” and have used this excuse to skip going to class because I don’t feel like it and I realize that this is another form of procrastination. I commit myself to stop all thoughts that justify why I shouldn’t go to class and to physically get up and walk to my class when and as these justifications come up within me.

When and as a thought of thinking I should check my school email and don’t think it is necessary  - I stop and I breathe. I realize that important information may be sent to this email that is school related and that not everything is sent to my gmail. I commit myself to physically check my school email when and as I have thoughts of wondering if I should or shouldn’t check my school email.



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Day 116: Procrastination and emails continued


For context check out days 111-113 and 115.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write about procrastination in the overall sense of how I live the word instead of taking on one point of how I live procrastination and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only take on one point at a time and if I take on more than one point at a time within my daily living a feeling of overwhelmingness will manifest where I end up becoming stuck and unclear on what point I am working on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in doing my projects for arranging even though I knew there would be consequences of putting off the projects that we were required to do and instead of taking responsibility I went into a state of hoping I would do the work and that this half assed work would be accepted because I have gotten away with doing half assed work in this teacher’s class in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself “I will work on arranging later” not realizing that when this later time comes I again say to myself “I will work on arranging later.” thus creating a pattern of procrastination.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that putting off doing my homework for arranging led to me not moving at all and into a state of being stuck with where what and how I should approach the projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore going to class because I didn’t know where the class was and to not find out where the class was so I could actually go to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip checking my school email as I realize that information about classes are not always sent to my preferred email and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for checking my school email as I now realize that important information my be sent to this email address.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that because I got off to a late start in my arranging class I ended up half assing my way through the rest of the class because I didn’t know exactly what was going on or what was expected of us and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up just because I did not get off to a good start in a class.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I am to pass arranging I need to spend time in the computer lab working with Finale and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I didn’t spend anytime in the computer lab working with Finale in arranging 1 which caused me to feel overwhelmed by the time I knew I needed to catch up with the project I had been putting off which resulted in me failing the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do schoolwork in areas where I feel comfortable not seeing and realizing that I shut myself off and go into isolation in order to feel comfortable thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create environments where I will be comfortable and other environments where I won't be comfortable not realizing the if I create an environment where I feel comfortable then I create the opposite polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be myself around others and that if I am myself others will judge me as a weird person.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Day 115: Procrastination and Emails


Continuing on with how I have lived procrastination. For context check out days 111-113.

I was writing about procrastination earlier and realized that I was writing about procrastination in the overall sense and not about one point within how I have lived procrastination. So I am going to pick that one thing that I am ready to apply on a daily basis and that is my procrastination with homework.

I have written about how I failed a class last semester and how I was living out the hope character. Hoping that I would pass because I half assed my way through classes with the same teacher and got away with it. What I realize now is that I procrastinated throughout the whole semester with this class. I missed the first two or three days of class and didn’t know where the class was because it was not in the room that was stated on my schedule. The teacher was sending us emails to our school email and that is something I don’t check often so I missed what was going on in the class because I didn’t check my school email. If I did I would have known what was going on. So I didn’t take responsibility for checking my school email and that had consequences of missing what was going on and what was expected of us to do in the class. I got off to a late start and because of that I half assed my way through the class and ended up failing because of it.

So I am taking the 2nd jazz arranging course and have to spend a lot time in the computer lab working with finale. This is something I should have been doing during the first arranging class but I always put it off because I would have had to go to the computer lab where I would rather be working in the comfort of my apartment. I would have thoughts like “I don’t want to go to the computer lab to work on my arranging project because I feel comfortable here alone in my own apartment.”



Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 114: Music and Fashion

I am taking a class about how to record music and have access to an actual studio. Pretty cool shit. This is a new building that was just built and is for those who study "traditional music" which is like bluegrass type of music. These people play banjos, guitars, strings, and those types of instruments.

I came to the building 2 hours before class to practice and had to ask if I could practice in the building before the class. The receptionist said it was ok. An hour later I decided to take a break and saw the guy who is in charge of this building and the traditional music program. I told him what I was doing there and how I plan to practice there before the recording class and was making sure it was ok. He said it was ok and would let me know if those who play or major in "traditional music" would be bothered by me in the practice rooms. He started talking about some interesting things. He said "those who play banjos in the music building (the place where I practice normally and all my classes are) were not welcome there". He went on to explain how those who are music education majors didn't like those people playing banjos and mandolins and other instruments like that and in the style they played in. I said "how could they do that? It doesn't make any sense for someone playing music to treat another person playing music in a different style like that." He didn't really respond and then I said it was Ego. He said "No, it is culture" I found that to be very interesting.

In the word culture is the word "cult".  I realize that we label ourselves as certain types of musicians like classical, jazz, bluegrass, blues, etc... So people who play music label themselves as according to the style. While in the class for recording I noticed a style of dress that was consistent in the room which was jeans and a flannel type of shirt with a kind of shoe that looked like a boot. It is a type of image that is being portrayed to others. What is this? LOL.

I admit that I used to try and dress like the singer Chino from the Deftones when I was really into them, thinking that it was a cool thing to do. What are we doing by dressing in a certain fashion or style? Why do we dress in a certain fashion or style? If you look at it you will realize it is about wanting to be noticed. Wanting to be seen as unique. Wanting to be seen as special. Wanting to be seen as important. This is separation. Why do we accept and allow the clothing we wear to define who we are? And then the fucked up thing is that we project this towards everyone.




Sunday, January 13, 2013

Day 113: Procrastination and homework

Procrastination with my homework is something I have always done and I now realize why I have failed classes before. I have written about this before but never actually applied any self correction. I have always tended to cram before exams. I choose which classes I want to study for and the ones I don't want to study for. If I get a late start on studying for a certain class at the beginning of the semester I have thoughts like "It is too late to catch up". Then I believe that I can't catch up and put the class aside and pretty much ignore it. Sometimes I miss the first day of class and if I miss the first day of class I have the same thought "It is too late to catch up".

So this next semester starts in 2 days and I have always told myself that I will take self-responsibility for my studies at the beginning of the semester and never followed through. I get excited and believe that I am going to take self-responsibility where I am only imagining myself taking self-responsibility which is just a futuristic projection.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have failed classes in school because I didn't take responsibility for studying and keeping up on a daily basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cram before an exam not realizing that I didn't take self-responsibility for studying on a daily basis and only studied when I thought it was necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to study more for certain classes than others because I like certain classes than other classes not realizing the accumulative effect of putting off studying for the classes that I don't like. .

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I get a late start on studying for a class during the beginning of the semester I tend to ignore doing the work for the class and put it off over and over again.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself "I will do it later" when and as thoughts of doing homework for a class comes up within me and when later comes I again say to myself "I will do it later" not realizing that saying to myself "I will do it later" over and over again is procrastination thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate with my homework.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I will take responsibility for studying and making sure I am on top of things and not follow through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the image of taking responsibility for studying in the future create excitement within me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that being excited about taking responsibility for studying is only an image that I have created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself taking responsibility for studying instead of doing it in the physical. I realize that when I imagine taking responsibility for something that I am not actually taking responsibility as taking responsibility can only be done in the physical.

I commit myself to study for all classes a little bit each day even if feelings of not wanting to study because I don't think it is necessary to study come up within me.

I commit myself to study for all classes on a daily basis so I do not have to cram for an exam and place myself in a stressful state of mind. 

I commit myself to review the material that has been shared with us so far on a daily basis so I don't have to place myself and my body in a stressful state when an exam is near. 

I commit myself to know what is expected of me and what I need to do to be successful in completing whatever class I am in and I commit myself to ask the teacher whatever it is that I don't understand about what we are expected to do even if I think it sounds stupid. 

I commit myself to when and as I tell myself that "I will do my homework later" to stop what I am doing if I am not in class or obligated to a music rehearsal to stop whatever it is that I am doing even if I am practicing my horn and to complete the studying that is necessary for that day. 


I commit myself to stop all the images of me taking responsibility in the future for studying and when and as these images in my mind come up I commit myself to stop the images in my mind by physically doing what it is that I am imagining myself doing.

I commit myself to when and as a feeling of excitement comes up about seeing my studying being completed to stop myself and breathe and then physically do the task that I am excited about.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Day 112: Procrastination - I will do it later continued

I am continuing on with my participation in procrastination. My mom is the type of person who likes to get things done when and as they come up. She likes to get things done immediately even when it is not possible to get the thing done, lol. While growing up and to this day when my mom tells me to do something I say "I will do it later" and she always says "When?" and I might say something like "I dunno by the end of the day." "Not right now, I am on Xmas break." My dad is pretty much the opposite as he likes to procrastinate like I do. I remember having talks with my parents and my dad saying to my mom "He is more like me and likes to wait until the last minute", "He will do it later".



I realize that I have used this as a justification for not taking responsibility for things because I have thought of myself being more like my dad. Believing that it is ok to continue procrastinating because my dad has said many times "He is more like me" and that this is just the way I am and in fact believing this and using this excuse/justification is a sign that I will keep accepting and allowing myself to continue just the way I am.

More on this point to come




Thursday, January 10, 2013

Day 111: Procrastination - I will do it later

I will do it later is something that I have always said to others and to myself in my mind. When something comes up that needs to be done I always say "I will do it later" and when this later comes I think to myself again "I will do it later". It keeps repeating and repeating and when I do this thing eventually after many times of telling myself  "I will do it later" I go into this stress like, energetic feeling where my body starts to tighten up. It is as if I am racing to beat the clock which makes these actions whether it is homework, cleaning, paperwork like filling some stupid paperwork out for school become more stressful than it needs to be. 




I realize this is what led to me failing a class last semester. I constantly said in my head, "I will do it later" and then when later came I said again "I will do it later". After doing this for so long I became so far behind that I didn't know how to approach catching up. Things accumulated where to it was almost impossible for me to focus on the small points that I should have been doing everyday. Then I crammed at the end of the semester and it didn't work.



Monday, January 7, 2013

Day 110: Trumpet Philosophies


Sometimes when I am playing my horn I have many thoughts that come up. I want every single thing in my playing to be perfect and the more things aren't perfect the more I go into trying to correct things which only makes things worse. My mind starts to make suggestions of how to change things when playing isn't going well. These type of thoughts are not helpful. I have created in my mind this idea of perfection and as soon as I play something my mind starts chatting. This shit in my mind takes over to where I can't even play anymore and just put the horn down.

It is strange because playing the trumpet used to be more fun when I was in high school. All of these analytical  thoughts hardly ever came up at that time. I would just breathe in and play and have fun playing.
This analysis of my playing started when I took my first lesson with Bill Adam. He said, "playing is 90% mental" In high school I took lessons from one of his students but he didn't believe in this philosophy as much as the full fledged Adam student does. Since then I studied with two others whom have studied with Mr. Adam and his students. One I have been studying with for many years
.
What I now realize is that I have gone into the mind and thought a lot about this philosophy. We are told to only concentrate on the sound we have imagined in our minds and to only focus on this. Imagination is the most important thing. I tried doing this and it can drive you crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire everything I play on the trumpet to be perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on perfection instead of expressing me as who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will miss notes and that when I focus on perfection that I am focusing on not missing notes or sounding bad which in turn creates missed notes and sounding bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach expressing myself with the trumpet with the desire/want of perfection in the back of my mind not realizing that this desire for perfection does nothing but limit me expressing me as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of what I should sound like control me from expressing me while playing the trumpet.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when playing a musical instrument that analysis is paralysis and not realizing that the more I analyze what and how I have played something creates more thoughts of how to correct my playing while I am playing and while resting between sets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not having the ability to express myself because I haven't lived up to the idea of perfection that I have created

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the more I think about how to play the trumpet the more I separate myself from myself and the trumpet because I am thinking of how to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the Adam philosophy of playing trumpet and to think if I am playing the trumpet in the correct manner according to this philosophy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on a philosophy of how to play the trumpet instead of simply playing the trumpet as I realize the more you think the more you screw up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Mr. Adam's philosophy is the right way to play music not realizing that if I think there is a right way to play music then I must think there is a wrong way to play music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with Mr. Adam's philosophy on how to play the trumpet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know how to play the trumpet because I have studied with teachers who have a name for themselves.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, or understand that I have been focusing on everything that has to do with music outside and separate from me instead simply expressing myself as me in every moment when having the horn on my face.

When and as I am playing the trumpet and have ideas of playing whatever that it is that I am about to play perfectly before I play it I stop and I breathe. I now see/realize/understand that playing perfectly won't happen and the more that I focus on perfection the more I am focusing on not making mistakes which actually makes me focus on the the mistakes, therefore creating them.

I commit myself to when playing the trumpet to put the horn down when and as ideas of perfection are the main focus of playing and to later pick up the horn and play when and as I have noticed these ideas of perfection are not the forefront of my mind.

I commit myself to stop all ideas of playing something perfectly when and as they come up within me.

I commit myself to put my horn down and do something else for a while if my ideas of perfection are coming on so strong that I can't play without these thoughts arising.

I commit myself to express me as who I am when and as I play the trumpet not accepting or allowing ideas of what I want/desire to be but to simply play whatever it is that I am playing at the moment.

I commit myself to stop all self judgement when and as I am playing the trumpet as I realize self-judgement is not me expressing me as me but only an idea in my mind that I am trying to live as.  I do not accept or allow myself to judge myself when playing music and if I do I put the horn down and speak or write self forgiveness and do something else for a while and then come back to the horn.

I commit myself to stop all analysis when taking breaks from playing the trumpet and when and as I notice myself analyzing what I have played so far I commit myself to breathe in and out.

I commit myself to stop all philosophical ideas of how the trumpet should be played and to simply play whatever it is I am playing as me and who I am in that moment.

I commit myself to listen and play music without going into the mind and having thoughts of wondering if what I am hearing or playing is right according to Mr. Adam's philosophy.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 109: Inspirational Teachers and Artists Continued


This is a continuation from days 106, 107, and 108

When and as I notice myself thinking of sounding like Freddie Hubbard or other players while playing - I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that copying another person's sound over and over and over again does not lead to me expressing me as me in every moment but only leads to me to get better at copying another persons sound and I realize this is not real expression but imitation. I commit myself to express me as me in every moment of breath while playing music and to forgive myself when and as I notice a preconceived idea of who or what I desire to sound like take myself over. 

When and as I notice something outside and separate from me making me feel motivated/inspired and I notice the energetic feeling of being inspired coming up within/as me - I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that being inspired/motivated by something separate from me is based on energy that ends up running out. I commit myself to notice when/as something separate from me makes me feel inspired/motivated to express myself in whatever expression it may be and to apply self-forgiveness accordingly. 

When and as I notice the desire/want of hearing/reading something outside of myself to get me inspired to play music or any other expression it may be - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I do not require something separate from me in order for me to express myself as I am. I commit myself to stop all desire/want of being inspired by something separate and outside of me and to express myself as who I am in the moment of expressing myself. 
















Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 108: Inspirational Teachers and Artists


This is a continuation from days 106 and 107. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with transcribing Freddie Hubbard. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more I transcribe Freddie Hubbard and copy his sound the more I will learn about jazz and the better I will become at playing jazz. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that transcribing someone else's soloing/improvising doesn't mean I will improve my language while playing jazz because I am copying someone else's voice instead of expressing my voice as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire/want of sounding like Freddie Hubbard to inspire me to play music not realizing that this desire/want of sounding like Freddie is only me copying his sound and phrasing and not actual self-expression thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express me as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing me as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to transcribe players like Freddie Hubbard constantly in order to express myself when improvising not realizing that I am using something separate from me in order to express myself and not realizing that this is not real expression - not expressing me as me. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I was told to listen to Freddie Hubbard, Clifford Brown, and Doc Severinson, Pavarotti, and others with the same sound by my teachers who I took lessons from because they have the "right sound" and that I should not listen to players without this sound and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore/listen to other players who may not have this sound because of the fear of if I don't listen to players with this "sound" then I won't improve or sound good musically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the trumpet teachers I have had influence me into only listening to certain players and disregarding others players. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand after hearing my teacher's inspirational/motivational speeches in performance class that I would become pumped up and full of energy thinking that I can do anything I want to and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this motivation/inspiration I felt from my teacher's speeches was all based on energy as I realize this energy and the motivation I felt from his speeches would run out later. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that positive motivation/inspiration my teacher used in his speeches are only momentarily motivational/inspirational because they are based on energy and this energy runs out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to hear one of my teacher's motivational/inspirational speeches because I felt as if I needed to hear one in order for me to be happy and motivated not realizing that this desire/want of hearing him speak in performance class is similar to a drug addiction where I crave something outside of myself in order to make me feel fulfilled and motivated to live my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe anything that my trumpet teachers have told me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the act of positive thinking just because my teachers use positive thinking. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express me as me in every moment of improvising, judging a phrase in the middle of playing it or at the very end of it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that improvising means expressing one's self as one's self in each and every moment.  


 






Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Day 107: Inspirational Musical Transcriptions continued


Continued from Day106

A cool point here is that it is also suggested to transcribe yourself with singing a solo or playing a solo. I have barely touched on this and realize this is a point where I can learn a new way of expression. For example, sing a chorus of a solo without stopping and then transcribe it to see what I am doing harmonically and rhythmically. This sounds like a cool way to get to know my own voice and what I am doing harmonically and rhythmically instead of rambling while improvising. Playing by rote is cool but learning what your doing by rote is also cool so this is something I will have to experiment with. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the point where I became bored with transcribing. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the bored feeling that arises when transcribing and playing along with what I have transcribed means that I am bored with copying other players. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the boredness I felt with transcribing was a call for me to express me as me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to sound like Clifford Brown and mainly Freddie Hubbard when improvising, thinking that that if I sound like Freddie I will sound good not realizing that I am not expressing me as me but only copying a sound and an idea that I have learned through transcribing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to sound like Freddie Hubbard while improvising instead of expressing me as me in every moment of every phrase I play.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/hear/realize when I am not expressing me as me while improvising. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, hear, and realize when my ideas are not my own. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that for me to develop my own voice within improvising is to experiment with my own voice. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to experiment with developing my own voice because it seems to hard to experiment with. 








Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Day 106: Inspirational Musical Transcriptions

About 4 or 5 years ago I got really into jazz. My roommates and friends during my first two years of school were into jazz and improvisational type of music. At first I thought "this music is ok but not something I will listen to". I was still into punk rock, ska, and the Deftones at that point in time. After a few years of being exposed to this type of music I began to like it. I later heard Lee Morgan play and was amazed. I had begun learning a new language of music although I didn't know I was doing it. I began to listen to jazz all the time. 

I wanted to learn how to play this type of music and didn't know how to approach it at first. Still trying to figure out how to approach it to this day. You are told that you should transcribe solos you like in order to learn the language of jazz. I later started transcribing trumpet players like Lee Morgan, Freddie Hubbard, Clifford Brown, Miles Davis, Randy Brecker, and a few others. I became obsessed with transcribing and playing along with the record. I would transcribe all the time. What I was doing was copying the sound of the players I was transcribing. I would hardly ever practice changes but had the style down because of transcribing. 

After two years or so of obsessive transcribing I started to become bored with it. I know transcribing is essential in learning how to articulate/pronounce the sound in this style of music but I became bored. My voice wasn't there and I noticed that while improvising and still do to this day. I now see/realize/understand that this boredness with transcribing the so called 'greats' was a call for me to express me. I know how to articulate/pronounce the sound in this style so well that I can't even play classical music without sounding like a jazz player. Developing my own voice is what is needed for me to develop at this point. 

Transcribing is a great tool for developing your hearing, learning how to pronounce the sound, and learning about what is going on harmonically but I realize I have abused transcribing to the point where when I improvise I sometimes think of the player I think I am sounding like halfway through a phrase. 

My teacher in college was very motivating and inspirational. We have this class called "performance class" where students will play in front of other students and our teacher would give motivational speeches. I remember feeling very pumped up after his speeches. Feeling like I wanted to practice 10 hours a day, lol. He is very much into positive thinking and motivational type of things. He would always make me feel good about myself and every time after one of his talks in performance class I would have this huge energetic high. 

I can't remember the name of the book but I was reading this book one day that had to do with psychology and how the mind is like a computer. In this book it talked about how motivational/inspirational speeches work in the short-term but eventually run out of juice and went on to explain how this type of thinking/learning is not sustainable because the car will eventually run out of gas so to say. During the day of the motivational/inspirational speech you heard you will be pumped up and the next day you feel different.

These two examples show how I have been using something separate/outside of me in order to feel motivated/inspired.