Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 108: Inspirational Teachers and Artists


This is a continuation from days 106 and 107. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with transcribing Freddie Hubbard. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more I transcribe Freddie Hubbard and copy his sound the more I will learn about jazz and the better I will become at playing jazz. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that transcribing someone else's soloing/improvising doesn't mean I will improve my language while playing jazz because I am copying someone else's voice instead of expressing my voice as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire/want of sounding like Freddie Hubbard to inspire me to play music not realizing that this desire/want of sounding like Freddie is only me copying his sound and phrasing and not actual self-expression thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express me as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing me as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to transcribe players like Freddie Hubbard constantly in order to express myself when improvising not realizing that I am using something separate from me in order to express myself and not realizing that this is not real expression - not expressing me as me. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I was told to listen to Freddie Hubbard, Clifford Brown, and Doc Severinson, Pavarotti, and others with the same sound by my teachers who I took lessons from because they have the "right sound" and that I should not listen to players without this sound and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore/listen to other players who may not have this sound because of the fear of if I don't listen to players with this "sound" then I won't improve or sound good musically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the trumpet teachers I have had influence me into only listening to certain players and disregarding others players. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand after hearing my teacher's inspirational/motivational speeches in performance class that I would become pumped up and full of energy thinking that I can do anything I want to and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this motivation/inspiration I felt from my teacher's speeches was all based on energy as I realize this energy and the motivation I felt from his speeches would run out later. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that positive motivation/inspiration my teacher used in his speeches are only momentarily motivational/inspirational because they are based on energy and this energy runs out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to hear one of my teacher's motivational/inspirational speeches because I felt as if I needed to hear one in order for me to be happy and motivated not realizing that this desire/want of hearing him speak in performance class is similar to a drug addiction where I crave something outside of myself in order to make me feel fulfilled and motivated to live my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe anything that my trumpet teachers have told me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the act of positive thinking just because my teachers use positive thinking. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express me as me in every moment of improvising, judging a phrase in the middle of playing it or at the very end of it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that improvising means expressing one's self as one's self in each and every moment.  


 






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