Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 110: Trumpet Philosophies
Sometimes when I am playing my horn I have many thoughts that come up. I want every single thing in my playing to be perfect and the more things aren't perfect the more I go into trying to correct things which only makes things worse. My mind starts to make suggestions of how to change things when playing isn't going well. These type of thoughts are not helpful. I have created in my mind this idea of perfection and as soon as I play something my mind starts chatting. This shit in my mind takes over to where I can't even play anymore and just put the horn down.
It is strange because playing the trumpet used to be more fun when I was in high school. All of these analytical thoughts hardly ever came up at that time. I would just breathe in and play and have fun playing.
This analysis of my playing started when I took my first lesson with Bill Adam. He said, "playing is 90% mental" In high school I took lessons from one of his students but he didn't believe in this philosophy as much as the full fledged Adam student does. Since then I studied with two others whom have studied with Mr. Adam and his students. One I have been studying with for many years
What I now realize is that I have gone into the mind and thought a lot about this philosophy. We are told to only concentrate on the sound we have imagined in our minds and to only focus on this. Imagination is the most important thing. I tried doing this and it can drive you crazy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire everything I play on the trumpet to be perfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on perfection instead of expressing me as who I am in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will miss notes and that when I focus on perfection that I am focusing on not missing notes or sounding bad which in turn creates missed notes and sounding bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach expressing myself with the trumpet with the desire/want of perfection in the back of my mind not realizing that this desire for perfection does nothing but limit me expressing me as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of what I should sound like control me from expressing me while playing the trumpet.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when playing a musical instrument that analysis is paralysis and not realizing that the more I analyze what and how I have played something creates more thoughts of how to correct my playing while I am playing and while resting between sets.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not having the ability to express myself because I haven't lived up to the idea of perfection that I have created
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the more I think about how to play the trumpet the more I separate myself from myself and the trumpet because I am thinking of how to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the Adam philosophy of playing trumpet and to think if I am playing the trumpet in the correct manner according to this philosophy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on a philosophy of how to play the trumpet instead of simply playing the trumpet as I realize the more you think the more you screw up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Mr. Adam's philosophy is the right way to play music not realizing that if I think there is a right way to play music then I must think there is a wrong way to play music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with Mr. Adam's philosophy on how to play the trumpet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know how to play the trumpet because I have studied with teachers who have a name for themselves.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, or understand that I have been focusing on everything that has to do with music outside and separate from me instead simply expressing myself as me in every moment when having the horn on my face.
When and as I am playing the trumpet and have ideas of playing whatever that it is that I am about to play perfectly before I play it I stop and I breathe. I now see/realize/understand that playing perfectly won't happen and the more that I focus on perfection the more I am focusing on not making mistakes which actually makes me focus on the the mistakes, therefore creating them.
I commit myself to when playing the trumpet to put the horn down when and as ideas of perfection are the main focus of playing and to later pick up the horn and play when and as I have noticed these ideas of perfection are not the forefront of my mind.
I commit myself to stop all ideas of playing something perfectly when and as they come up within me.
I commit myself to put my horn down and do something else for a while if my ideas of perfection are coming on so strong that I can't play without these thoughts arising.
I commit myself to express me as who I am when and as I play the trumpet not accepting or allowing ideas of what I want/desire to be but to simply play whatever it is that I am playing at the moment.
I commit myself to stop all self judgement when and as I am playing the trumpet as I realize self-judgement is not me expressing me as me but only an idea in my mind that I am trying to live as. I do not accept or allow myself to judge myself when playing music and if I do I put the horn down and speak or write self forgiveness and do something else for a while and then come back to the horn.
I commit myself to stop all analysis when taking breaks from playing the trumpet and when and as I notice myself analyzing what I have played so far I commit myself to breathe in and out.
I commit myself to stop all philosophical ideas of how the trumpet should be played and to simply play whatever it is I am playing as me and who I am in that moment.
I commit myself to listen and play music without going into the mind and having thoughts of wondering if what I am hearing or playing is right according to Mr. Adam's philosophy.