Monday, January 21, 2013

Day 118: Eating the brownies that get you high

Here I am talking about my relationship with weed and how I have fallen a few times since I committed myself to stop getting high and these experiences of getting high and the justifications/excuses I used.

I have fallen a few times since my commitment of stopping weed. I smoked a few times with some girls and once with a buddy that I don't see that often. This all happened a few months ago.

Some of my friends wanted to make brownies so I said we could make them where I was hanging out at and I made them and ended up eating a brownie. I accepted and allowed the excuse of eating weed over smoking it to justify my reason to eat one. I thought "I haven't gotten high in the eating form that many times and plus all of these females are over here." I hang with these girls sometimes and have said many times no to the offer of smoking.

During the X-mas break I was hanging out with a friend that I don't see that often and he likes to smoke. I was hanging out with him and his dad and his dad handed me a pipe. Automatically the thought, "I never smoke with X so I might as well" Again I accepted and allowed the people I am around to influence me into making up excuses of why I should get high. This is not self-direction.

The other night some friends were smoking weed in front of me and I felt the desire/want to do it. I thought "it has been so long I wanna know what it is like to get high." So I smelled it and thought "shit, that smells good" and wanted to hit it but didn't do it. It would have been so damn easy because my buddies were sitting right next to me and I could smell it. The desire/want to grab the joint was there and other thoughts like "I don't even remember what it is like to be high" came up but realized that since I quit and then got high those few times it is not as fun as I thought it was in the past and not necessary in order to have a good time with those whom I am hanging out with.

So I have gotten high a few times since I quit smoking weed and have noticed that smoking is not that fun as how I have made it out to be in the past. The high was different than when I smoked a lot. It is leaving this reality for a bit and then coming back to this reality. Every time the high was gone I thought "What the Hell" this is was I felt in the past while getting high? It is not even that fun.

 It is not necessary to use because why use something that will get you high and bring you back to this reality when our thoughts/emotions/feelings/reactions/behaviors do that enough in the first place.

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