Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Day 140: We have never smoked together part 3



Continued from day 138 and day 139
Day 138: We have never smoked together
Day 138: We have never smoked together
Day 138: We have never smoked together
Day 138: We have never smoked together

When and as I am hanging out with friends and they are smoking weed and the desire to join in and take a hit or two comes up within me - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't require smoking weed/getting high in order to hang out with friends and to have a good time while hanging out with them. I commit myself to when and as I am hanging out with those who are smoking weed to not accept or allow myself to make excuses/justifications in my mind of why I should get high with them and to live me as me while we are hanging out.

When and as I want/desire to have a spiritual or thought provoking experience through smoking weed - I stop and I breathe. I realize that spiritual experiences whether it be praying, meditating, chanting, getting high, etc... is based on leaving this reality in order to make oneself feel better for a moment and then come back to this reality which is the one we are in all the time and I realize that by taking the self-directive decision of not smoking when I am with others or want/desire to have a spiritual experience through smoking weed/getting high that I am facing my reality and how I exist as instead of escaping through having a spiritual or thought provoking experience through getting high/smoking weed. I commit myself to face my reality as who I am when the desire of smoking weed comes up in order to have a spiritual or thought provoking experience by not accepting or allowing myself to smoke. I do not accept or allow myself to smoke weed/get high in order to have a spiritual or thought provoking experience instead I direct myself by saying "No", and facing my reality as I am. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Day 139: We have never smoked together part 2

 Continued from Day 138: We have never smoked together



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to smoke weed when and as I see others around me smoking weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am missing out on the 'fun' if I don't smoke weed while others are smoking around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way I can have fun while hanging out with others is if I smoke weed and drink with them and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I hang out with others while sober then I won't have a good time while hanging with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a good time as smoking weed or drinking alcohol when and as I am hanging out with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others will think I am boring if I don't smoke weed with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse "We have never smoked and I used to all the time so I will smoke with you." to justify my want/desire to smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that using the excuse "We have never smoked and I used to all the time so I will smoke with you." is allowing another person to influence my actions instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke weed with my friend thinking that I could connect with him more because of being high together instead of realizing that smoking weed is not necessary in order to hang out with a friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around those who are smoking weed thinking that I should smoke with them in order to fit in with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that stopping smoking weed showed me the suppression it causes in my emotions and how it dampens/numbs the way I really am.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that stopping smoking weed made the emotions that existed in me come to the surface which allowed me to see my emotions in a clear manner because I wasn't suppressing myself through the act of smoking on a daily basis. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that after stopping smoking weed for so long and then smoking again that it isn't the same as it used to be because of changing the habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect smoking weed to having a spiritual experience and have placed importance on having this experience instead of realizing that smoking weed is not a spiritual experience but it is simply a leaving of this reality for a little bit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to have a "spiritual" experience through smoking weed by myself and with others and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that spiritual experiences whether it be praying, meditating, chanting, getting high, etc... is based on leaving this reality in order to make oneself feel better for a moment and then come back to this reality which is the one we are in all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world would be a better place if everyone got high at least once not realizing how irrational this belief is because it is thinking the world would be a better place if everyone would use a drug and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we as human beings do not require the use of a drug like weed in order to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that smoking weed is based on getting a high and that what goes up must come down. 






Monday, February 25, 2013

Day 138: We have never smoked together



I decided to smoke weed again the other night. So this is the 2nd time I have fell in stopping weed. There is a person who I have been recently hanging out with and he smokes. Sometimes he comes over while I have another person here and they usually participate in smoking weed. I ended up smoking weed with him the other night because I wanted to experience "getting high" with him because I never have. I used this as an excuse to get high. Using the excuse of "We have never smoked and I used to all the time so I will smoke with you" - This is what I told him. I felt that I could connect with him better if we were high and chilling instead of not being high while hanging together. The same experience happened the last time I smoked. It wasn't that fun at all. It made me realize how smoking weed isn't anything but escapism and suppression. While I was high I thought "this is not as good as it used to be."

So I am coming up with excuses that seem justifiable in order for me to bring the pattern that I stopped for a while back in place. Smoking weed is not as "fun" as it used to be because I have realized that I can live without it and realize there is no point into continuing this pattern because I can now see, realize, and understand how it is just a momentary escape from what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I used to think smoking weed was a spiritual experience and that everyone should do it at least once and the world would be a better place if this happened. This is what I thought but now realize the simplicity in that thought/statement I would tell others which is: Using something outside of yourself in order to have a spiritual experience which is only a high and what goes up must come down. What goes up must come down is a simple fact if we are here living in this physical existence.

I will continue with self forgiveness on this.



Sunday, February 24, 2013

Day 137: Acceptance and Allowance Rant


You can learn a lot about yourself when you write and read the writings of others that participate in self-writing. Isn't that what we are here for - to stop the accepted and allowed bullshit that we know we keep on doing? But this all happens in secret. WE only know what we accept and allow. The more I write and self-investigate the more I realize all the bullshit that I accept and allow. It is like seeing/realizing all the dimensions of yourself and there is a fuck load and let me tell you a fuck load! Through this process I have learned a lot about myself and what I accept and allow. As soon as you investigate one thing about yourself something else will come to the surface that you couldn't see before.

When I look at my day and what happened throughout the day - my reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, self-created imagined scenarios I realize that I am responsible for myself and I let my reactions emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas etc.. influence myself and my responsibilities. It is quite interesting how this works.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Day 136: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin Part 4





Continued from:

 Day 133: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin 
 Day 134: Day 134: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin continued
 Day 135: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin Part 3

I realize that because someone is part of a group that it doesn't mean that it is who they are as a human being and that labeling/defining another person according to a group they are a part of is me separating myself from others. 

I realize that getting mad at someone who reacts to the message of what is best for all life in a negative way is not worth it and only shows me that I want them to come around to my way of looking at things which isn't how things work.

I realize that I haven't lived the words I have spoken with others which is why I get mad if they don't agree with me otherwise if someone attacks me or doesn't agree then I would not have gotten mad.

I realize that when I am having a conversation with another person(s) about ideas, the state of the world, and Equal Money, and Desteni and I start to get emotional and my body starts to tighten up that I am about to start talking verbal diarrhea and an argument if I haven't yet already.

I realize that approaching a discussion as if there is a winner and a loser is not a discussion but mind systems at war. 

I commit myself to stop labeling those who are part of a group in my mind where I make up ideas about who they are and what they will act like according to what the group is called and to stop any pre conceived ideas of how those in the group will act.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am spurting verbal diarrhea when having a conversation with another person or persons and to not accept or allow myself to continue talking verbal diarrhea.

I commit myself to notice how my body tightens when and as I am going into an argument and to stop myself, as my muscles tightening up is a clear indication that I am preparing myself for an argument and/or spurting verbal diarrhea.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself going into a state of competition where I want/desire to win an argument with my point of view and I commit myself while having a conversation/argument and want/desire to have the upper hand or get the last word in - thinking that this is a way to win the conversation/argument to stop right there because I realize that when I am talking to others and approach the conversation as if it was a competition then I am spurting verbal diarrhea.

I commit myself to notice when and as I am having an argument with someone else having to do with the state of the world, philosophy, Equal Money, and Desteni and trying to prove myself right and that they are wrong.

I commit myself to notice the energy that happens in my body before and during an argument that I have with another person(s) and to not accept or allow this energy to continue and I commit myself to walk through the resistance that happens when my body is energized .


Friday, February 22, 2013

Day 135: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin Part 3




This continued from Day 133: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin

                                Day 134: Day 134: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of how a person will be and act just because they are part of a group that has a label/definition and if they don't act and are how I think the group is supposed to act then I judge them because they don't fit the label/definition of the group and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that by thinking of how a person will act and be according to the group they are in that I am separating myself from them by creating a preconceived idea of who they are according to the label/definition of the group.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when someone says I am part of a pyramid scheme and a cult instead of realizing that since they have not done the homework then they don't know why I am not part of a pyramid scheme or cult and getting angry because someone hasn't done the proper research is not justified because I am getting angry as if someone is expected to know something about something they have not properly investigated. It is like getting angry at a person who is expected to know how to kick a hacky sack when they never have.



I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am participating in verbal diarrhea when having a discussion about certain ideas that I am trying to prove myself or win the discussion therefore approaching the discussion as if it is a competition that has a winner and a loser thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the winner of a discussion.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when having a discussion and I am participating in verbal diarrhea to fear losing having a discussion thinking if the other person(s) win and I lose then I am less of a person than they are and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that wanting to win a discussion with others confirms my Ego by the very fact that I approach conversations that have to do with ideas as if their is a winner and a loser.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue in discussion with others in verbal diarrhea and even knowing that I am doing it but want/desire to win the discussion and end up continuing the conversation until I feel like I have "won" the discussion which is really only an argument.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am having a discussion with no self awareness of what I am talking about that I am spurting out verbal diarrhea and that having a discussion while in this state of mind is no conversation/discussion at all but only mind systems at war with one another.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 134: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin continued

Continued from day 133: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin






I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/define those who are part of a "freethinker" fb group as freethinkers and then went on to call those who reacted to the videos I posted as closed minded because they didn't agree with the videos I posted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when those who were responding to my videos said that I was part of a pyramid scheme and a cult instead of realizing that continuing conversations with people who have done no investigation into the message of what is best for all, and Equality and Oneness is a discussion not worth continuing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in verbal diarrhea where I respond to others with automatic emotional reactions and have accepted and allowed this to control how I discuss ideas with others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize when emotional reactions dictate how I communicate with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for talking verbal diarrhea instead of realizing that I was talking verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk/communicate with others without any awareness of what I am actually saying to another.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am reacting to someone's response in a discussion in an emotional way that I am only showing myself the mind systems that exist within/as me and therefore want to start an argument based on this emotional reaction and that I am charging my mind with energy.






Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Day 133: Verbal Diarrhea, Desteni, and George Carlin

There is a group called "Evansville Freethinkers" on facebook that I have posted a few things on. This is the town where I was born and have grown up around this area. I posted some desteni stuff and George Carlin stuff. Eventually a few people started talking about reptilians, demons, and the portal and went into an immediate reaction - attacking everything. Going on to say that desteni is a pyramid scheme and a cult. I thought that this was a page called "free thinkers" so it would be cool to talk with others who are "free thinkers" but everyone reacted to everything I posted in a hateful way. Most all just started attacking. I kept saying you have to do your homework and they said they have done the homework.



This is a definition/label I have placed on those who participate on the fb group (in the beginning)- defining them as "free thinkers" just because the group is called "Evansville Freethinkers" and then later decided to call them in my mind "close minded" because they didn't agree with the videos I posted. There was nothing but verbal diarrhea going on between me and the group. Just blabbing bullshit. I reacted with anger when I tried answering their questions and now realize how it is not worth discussing certain ideas with people. I only ended up participating in verbal diarrhea and it was something I said they were doing but it was really what I was doing when I reacted to the questions that were asked.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Day 132: Writing and Space and Time Continued

This is related to days 128,129, and 131.
 
I realize that when and as I am writing and I am thinking about what others will think about my writings and my self forgiveness that I am not supporting myself.

I realize that writing here with no thought is the only way to express myself as me and that the more I am in a thinking state of mind while writing myself out the more I deceive myself and others.

I realize taking on points within me that I want to change in a way that is based on what is best for all has to be walked in space and time.

I realize that imagining myself having changed something about myself is how I deceive myself into not walking the points I am currently facing in space and time. 

I realize that I stopped smoking weed in space and time and that it took patience, consistency and self honesty and realize that this is the only way that I can change myself. 

I commit myself to express me as me when and as I am writing in a self supportive way and to not present a fake presentation of myself to make myself seem that I am changing or to seem that I am smart in the eyes of others.

I commit myself to when I stop and think about what to write about when and as I am writing to step back and do something else for a while in order to stop my mind from thinking and once this mind stops to come back to writing myself out when I am clear and free from trying to create ideas about what I should be writing and what I think others will see as cool.

I commit myself to when I stop and think/wonder what someone else would think of my writings while I am writing to stop and breathe and not continue while in this state while writing and if I can't stop it to stop and do something else for a while until I am free from this thinking mind and then come back to writing in order to write in a clear state and not in this thinking mind state.

I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to imagine myself have changed with the points that I am taking on, thinking and imagining how I have changed and to walk the points I am working on in space and time meaning day by day and breathe by breathe.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 131: Writing and Space and Time

This is related to days 128 and 129.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate while writing, thinking if what I am writing will be seen as cool from others therefore presenting a fake presentation of myself not realizing that writing in a state of where I care what others think about me is not self supportive at all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am writing in a state of hesitation that I tend to sit and think of what I should write about because I want others to read what I write and think I am a smart or bright person which only shows my ego and how I want to project it onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop and think if what I am writing is and will be seen as acceptable by others instead of writing me as me and not realizing that writing with the idea in mind of wondering if others will think of my writing shows that my writings are not self supportive in any way but just a mental projection of how I want others to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of what others will think of my self forgiveness and if it is effective or not instead of realizing that it is not effective when I approach self forgiveness in this state because I am doing forgiveness based on an idea in my mind of what I think and want others to think about me which only confirms my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want myself to change in a quick way not realizing that when I want change to happen in a quick way that I have imagined myself as haved changed which causes a good feeling to happen within me and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that change happens in space and time and not as an automatic want/desire that happens in the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk points that I am working on in space and time instead of realizing that I walked stopping smoking weed in space and time and that is the only way change is possible instead of imagining myself having changed something about myself as I realize imagining myself having changed something about myself is not real because it hasn't been walked in space and time and that imagining myself as have changed something about myself creates a good feeling inside of me that is based on imagination instead of physical space and time.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Day 130: Playing with the Blue Grass

Today I had to record playing with those who play bluegrass/traditional/folk type of music for the recording class I am in. It was quite interesting because I haven't improvised with those who play this style of music. We listened over the tracks and each part individually. While listening back and even while playing I noticed I wasn't comfortable improvising in this style because it wasn't jazz. I sounded jazzy at some parts and realized I was playing too many notes for it to fit with this style of music. It was definitely an experience.

So instead of expressing myself as me while playing I was playing the program that existed in me as jazz. It was actually quite simple. I had to improvise in the key of D and I was thinking of playing altered scales and half step up and down but in this style of music it wouldn't fit. This style didn't need playing anything altered, or whole tone, or diminshed. Just playing in the key of D with a flat 7 and/or the blues would have fitted a lot better than what I played. I thought I had to show off how I can play "outside" the changes since I am the only jazz major in the class. All the others are traditional music majors. So I tried to prove myself in trying to play "outside" to try and show my knowledge and information of how to play on chord changes, lol. Quite egotistical. I was thinking of what to play instead of just playing.

While hearing what I played back I realize I was 'trying' to force my ideas on the style of music that was being played instead of simply playing along in the style. I realize that I don't know much about this style of music but I didn't have to try and only play what I know based on knowledge and information.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Day 129: Walking Space and Time

Another thing I realize about writing is that if I stop and think about what I am writing about then I am presenting a fake presentation of myself. This is all Ego. It is because I want/desire others to see me as changing in this process. Wanting others to think I am getting better when I really am not. I realize that this is a process and I have wanted change to happen very quickly. Like a snap of the fingers but this shit doesn't work this way. Everything has to be walked in space and time. I see this now with stopping weed. When I began stopping smoking I wanted to have stopped for a long time. Imagining in my mind that "I want to have not smoked weed for months" and I want this now. It is creating the idea of change in the mind. This, now I realize isn't how things work because of space and time. I imaged myself having stopped smoking and this created a good feeling within me but it took me three to four months to have actually walked it. I ended up falling a few times around 5 months but that is it.

So this is a process and not an automatic thing. Not like going to fucking McDonald's and having things immediately. I now realize that this process takes consistency, patience, and self honesty.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Day 128: Expressing One's Self Through Writing

 I have been writing for a while and notice something about the state I am in when I write. Sometimes I sit down and just write and everything seems to flow right through me. No effort, no trying, no nothing, just writing. Other times I hesitate while writing. I go blank and sit and think about what I should be writing. I realize that when I am in a state of hesitation and then write it is not me writing me but an idea of me and who I think I should be. This is based on what I think others will think about me. So, writing in this state is not supportive because it isn't me writing me.

The same goes with my self forgiveness. Sometimes it flows and sometimes I hesitate. It is interesting that I tend to care if others will think my writings are self honest and real but this is missing the whole point of writing one's self out and writing self forgiveness.

Writing myself out and writing self forgiveness has shown me when I am expressing me as me or an idea of who I think I should be. There is no thought involved when writing one's self out. Yes, you have to think of what to write about but it shouldn't take long at all. It should be something like "oh, this happened today and I reacted this way." and then go on and write. There is nothing to think about.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Day 127: I will do it later because of this one last time continued

 This is continued from Day 126: I will do it later because of this one last time

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I end up saying it again therefore repeating the same pattern over and over again and that I say "I will do it later" and "just this last time" because I feel comfortable within what I am doing and taking on my responsibilities for the day would take me out of this comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I actually will do it later not realizing that I keep saying to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" because I am in a comfort zone and that doing anything else would take me out of this comfort zone that I want/desire to be in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to youtube videos, music, desteni vlogs and to keep saying to myself  "just this last time" instead of moving on with my day not realizing that I use watching youtube videos, listening to music and other destonian vlogs as an escape mechanism for not taking self responsibility. 

 I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I know I should be moving on with daily tasks otherwise I would not have said "I will do it later" or "just this last time."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want/need to be in this comfort zone because I don't want to go to school and practice or study because I think others judge me as an old college student who should have finished years ago. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the teacher who I take lessons from and my parents telling me that I should have finished college years ago to create fear within me where to I think others will judge me as old while being in class, being seen in the music building, being heard practicing, or being seen studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because I haven't finished school yet and think that I need to live up to the idea I think others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I use my apartment as a place of comfort because when I go outside I might see those people who I think judge me as an old college student and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an "old college student." 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this one last time" is a red flag for me to stop the youtube videos, music listening, reading and watching other destionians vlogs/blogs and to go to the music building.

When and as I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" while I am in my apartment and watching youtube videos, listening to music, or watching/reading others vlogs/blogs - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I am putting off my responsibilities because I am in a comfort zone and when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I keep repeating whatever it is that I am doing and I don't do it later or don't stop after the last time. I commit myself to stand up and say Stop when and as I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" while I am in my apartment and watching youtube vids, listening to music, or reading/watching others blogs/vlogs.

When and as I notice myself thinking of myself as an "old college student" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have defined myself as an "old college student" based on what others have told me and this created an emotional feeling of guilt within me and I realize that thinking of myself as an "old college student" is just an idea that I have created in my mind and has no validity whatsoever. I commit myself to notice when and as I think of myself as an "old college student" and to bring myself back here to the physical by feeling the ground my feet are on and to realize this is just an idea that I have created in my mind that is not real.



Saturday, February 9, 2013

Day 126: I will do it later because of this one last time

I always tend to say "just this last time" and when this last time comes I don't follow through but keep saying again "just this last time." - with multiple things and how I live. Another putting things off so I don't have to face myself and who I am. I keep doing it over and over and over and over again thinking that by saying "Just this last time" I will actually change my ways.

This is with all of the small stuff. For example, I will be on the computer reading or listening to something and I think, "just this last time will I listen to something and go about my daily tasks." When I am done reading or listening to whatever it is that I am doing I want/desire to keep reading and listening to more of the same things. So I keep repeating over and over again what it is that I am doing.




I realize through this process that whenever I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I am lying to myself and will keep accepting and allowing myself to continue when I keep saying "I will do it later" or "just this last time and then I will move on". I also realize that I say "I will do it later" and "just this last time" because I fear facing myself and taking responsibility for what I accept and allow. It is much easier to say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" than to stand up and actually follow through.


I have noticed that when I say "just this last time" or "I will do it later" means I will keep doing whatever it is that I am doing at that moment. Being in a type of zombie like state. So saying to myself "just this last time" and "I will do it later" is a red flag for me to STOP and fucking move otherwise I will continue accepting and allowing myself to continue with the same bullshit.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Day 125: This is a Waste of Time


We didn't have jazz band yesterday. I showed up and saw someone in the group and asked if we had jazz band and he said no. I then saw the teacher walking down the hallway and he said "if you didn't leave early last time you would have known that we didn't have jazz band today" in a smart ass tone of voice. This pissed me off. I sometimes leave early because us trumpets don't play on all tunes. There are always two people sitting out at a time. I left early that day and almost all days when I don't play on any of the tunes. I thought "this is a waste of time" and left 10 minutes before class ended because I knew I wouldn't be playing the rest of class time. Some days I play on all the tunes and some days I don't. It just depends on what we are rehearsing.

When I look at it now I see that I leave early because of self interest. I would rather be doing something else with my time and think my time is being wasted by sitting there and not playing. I realize this is not a good way to treat the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when I saw my teacher in the hallway and he said "if you didn't leave early last time you would have known that we didn't have jazz band today."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stayed in class the whole time then I would have known we didn't have jazz band.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the teacher would not have said "if you didn't leave early last time you would have know that we didn't have jazz band today." if I just simply stayed in class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "this is a waste of time being here if I am not playing." not realizing this thought is what triggered me to leave jazz band early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave class early because I know I can get away with it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I leave jazz band early based on my self interest and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self interest to drive my decisions instead of me directing myself within the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave jazz band early just because I know I won't be playing on any of the tunes for the rest of the rehearsal using the excuse/justification that I have better stuff to do than just sit there.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can simply just sit and listen while I am not playing on something or I could read or do anything else instead of just leaving early.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that leaving jazz band early just because I am not playing on the tunes being played is me placing my self interest before the group and that doing this is not based on what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memories of others leaving jazz band early to justify my excuse for leaving early and thinking that just because others do it then it is ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't like certain members of the trumpet section and don't like being around them and that this is a reason why I like to get up and leave early and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don't get up and leave other rehearsals when I enjoy everyone who is in the group.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the certain members I don't like reflect back to me that they always are there for the required amount of time and I am not so therefore they are reflecting back to me how I am not taking responsibility for staying for the required about of time and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that those people who I don't like and judge are actually a reflection of what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I commit myself to notice when and as I react with anger towards a teacher.

I commit myself to stay in jazz band for the required amount of time we are supposed to be there as I realize important information may be given at the end of the rehearsal.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself thinking "This is a waste of time being here if I am not playing".

I commit myself to notice when and as the desire/want of leaving jazz band comes up within me as I realize that this desire/want of leaving jazz band early is always based on self interest.

I commit myself to treat all those in jazz band within the principle of what is best for all by staying the whole time required of us and listening to any details that may be given at the end of rehearsal.

I commit myself to notice when I justify my want/desire to leave class early based on the memories of other people doing it.

I commit myself to investigate why I don't like certain people and what they are reflecting back to me with what I accept and allow myself to exist as.






Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Day 124: The good thing about Music

The good thing about music is when you are listening nothing is going on in the mind. No thoughts, no judgement, no worries, no nothing. As soon as a single thought comes up while your listening to something you have missed something. If just one single thought comes up you are not listening. Even thinking to yourself "oh that sounds cool" while listening means you have missed something and are not listening. The mind tends to chat away about useless bullshit, at least mine does and I have noticed how supportive music can be. The thoughts, feelings, emotions that come up while listening to something is cool to look at.

I realize how busy my mind is when I sit down and listen to something. It has shown me what is going on in my inner world. Sometimes I will be listening to something and I will start thinking about random shit like what happened yesterday or what could happen tomorrow. This means I am not listening. That is a very cool thing. This is why music can be a very supportive thing.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Day 123: Getting the oil changed

Today I planned to get my oil changed in my car because it is 2000 over when it was supposed to be changed last. I woke up and felt like shit again. This flu shit is going to stay for a while I guess. The bank closed at 3 and I kept hitting the snooze over and over again. Although I knew it wouldn't be fun, I knew I could get up and do it. It wasn't going to kill me to go to the bank and then go to the autoshop. It felt so good laying in bed and after hitting the snooze to lay right back down. Getting the oil changed in my car is something that has to be done or I will ruin my car. It is in bad enough shape anyway. I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am sick so I didn't have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I went to class last week when I woke up and felt like shit and if I did that then I am able to go to the bank and go to the quicky oiler place.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I used the excuse of feeling like shit in order to not take responsibility for getting the oil changed in my car today even though I knew it would not be an enjoyable experience but was possible for me to do.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that this car I am driving is at the last of its life and not changing the oil will result in the car dying earlier than it could because of the fact that I didn't take responsibility for getting the oil changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotional feeling of regret because I didn't do what I planned on doing today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep hitting the snooze thinking that I will eventually wake up at the last minute and go to the bank and then get my oil changed instead of realizing I kept hitting the snooze because I didn't want to take the time and effort to do this and that hitting the snooze and falling back asleep felt comfortable and not realizing that I was physically able to do it although it wouldn't be a fun time because of how I feel.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am over the worst part of this sickness and that using the excuse of still being sick is just what it is, an excuse, to not take responsibility for the things that I need to do.

I commit myself to take on my responsibilities other than those that have to do with school while going through this feeling of being sick.

I commit myself to stop using the excuse that I don't feel good and am sick to not take responsibility for those things that I don't think are as important as school.

I commit myself to take care of the car that I am driving and to make it last as long as I can.

I commit myself to stop creating feelings of regret by physically doing the things that need to be done when they need to be done as I realize this is the only way I can stop these emotional feelings of regret within me.

I commit myself to stop putting things off until the last minute as I realize when I do this I usually don't follow through with what it is that needs to be done.

I commit myself to go about my day as I normally would and to walk through this feeling of being sick as I realize the worst part is over.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Day 122: You don't know what jazz is continued

This is continued from Day 121: You don't know what jazz is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the person playing the jazz tune during student recital as a classical musician and to label myself as a jazz musician not realizing that this is separation and that I am separating myself from others and myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "this is not jazz. He is good at reading notes but can't improvise at all." not realizing that I thought this because the image of what I wanted to see being played didn't match up with what was actually being played and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my idea of what I think jazz is to influence me into making judgments towards others. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that these judgments didn't allow me to just simply sit and listen to another person play music. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think everyone should automatically know what jazz is and if they don't I judge them as stupid not realizing that this is just my ego wanting attention and justification and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize when my ego becomes activated and when it does it wants to be justified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care if people know what improvisation is or not, not realizing that it is my ego. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that not clapping when he was done playing was something I could do to show others that I didn't approve of what he played not realizing that this is me showing my arrogance to other people. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I think "people don't know what jazz is" then I must know what jazz is and that this is ego.

I commit myself to notice when I am labeling myself and others as "classical" or "jazz" musicians and to stop all labels I place on myself and others. 

I commit myself to notice when i am making up images/ideas in my mind of what I expect something to be like and to stop these made up images/ideas through the breath. 

I commit myself to stop all judgments towards an individual or group of people playing music as I realize that these judgments make it difficult to simply listen to another person or group of people play music. 

I commit myself to realize and accept that not everyone may have been educated and listened to jazz as much as I have, especially those who are not majoring in it and that just because they haven't doesn't mean they are stupid but that I have spent some time learning a different language and I commit myself to notice when I have thoughts of judging others as stupid as I realize this is only arrogance. 

I commit myself to stop all actions that I want to carry out based on my backchat. 

I commit myself to investigate myself when and as I notice my ego coming out when it has to do with music.