Friday, February 8, 2013

Day 125: This is a Waste of Time


We didn't have jazz band yesterday. I showed up and saw someone in the group and asked if we had jazz band and he said no. I then saw the teacher walking down the hallway and he said "if you didn't leave early last time you would have known that we didn't have jazz band today" in a smart ass tone of voice. This pissed me off. I sometimes leave early because us trumpets don't play on all tunes. There are always two people sitting out at a time. I left early that day and almost all days when I don't play on any of the tunes. I thought "this is a waste of time" and left 10 minutes before class ended because I knew I wouldn't be playing the rest of class time. Some days I play on all the tunes and some days I don't. It just depends on what we are rehearsing.

When I look at it now I see that I leave early because of self interest. I would rather be doing something else with my time and think my time is being wasted by sitting there and not playing. I realize this is not a good way to treat the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when I saw my teacher in the hallway and he said "if you didn't leave early last time you would have known that we didn't have jazz band today."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stayed in class the whole time then I would have known we didn't have jazz band.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the teacher would not have said "if you didn't leave early last time you would have know that we didn't have jazz band today." if I just simply stayed in class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "this is a waste of time being here if I am not playing." not realizing this thought is what triggered me to leave jazz band early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave class early because I know I can get away with it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I leave jazz band early based on my self interest and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self interest to drive my decisions instead of me directing myself within the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave jazz band early just because I know I won't be playing on any of the tunes for the rest of the rehearsal using the excuse/justification that I have better stuff to do than just sit there.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can simply just sit and listen while I am not playing on something or I could read or do anything else instead of just leaving early.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that leaving jazz band early just because I am not playing on the tunes being played is me placing my self interest before the group and that doing this is not based on what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memories of others leaving jazz band early to justify my excuse for leaving early and thinking that just because others do it then it is ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't like certain members of the trumpet section and don't like being around them and that this is a reason why I like to get up and leave early and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don't get up and leave other rehearsals when I enjoy everyone who is in the group.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the certain members I don't like reflect back to me that they always are there for the required amount of time and I am not so therefore they are reflecting back to me how I am not taking responsibility for staying for the required about of time and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that those people who I don't like and judge are actually a reflection of what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I commit myself to notice when and as I react with anger towards a teacher.

I commit myself to stay in jazz band for the required amount of time we are supposed to be there as I realize important information may be given at the end of the rehearsal.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself thinking "This is a waste of time being here if I am not playing".

I commit myself to notice when and as the desire/want of leaving jazz band comes up within me as I realize that this desire/want of leaving jazz band early is always based on self interest.

I commit myself to treat all those in jazz band within the principle of what is best for all by staying the whole time required of us and listening to any details that may be given at the end of rehearsal.

I commit myself to notice when I justify my want/desire to leave class early based on the memories of other people doing it.

I commit myself to investigate why I don't like certain people and what they are reflecting back to me with what I accept and allow myself to exist as.






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