Sunday, February 10, 2013

Day 127: I will do it later because of this one last time continued

 This is continued from Day 126: I will do it later because of this one last time

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I end up saying it again therefore repeating the same pattern over and over again and that I say "I will do it later" and "just this last time" because I feel comfortable within what I am doing and taking on my responsibilities for the day would take me out of this comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I actually will do it later not realizing that I keep saying to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" because I am in a comfort zone and that doing anything else would take me out of this comfort zone that I want/desire to be in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to youtube videos, music, desteni vlogs and to keep saying to myself  "just this last time" instead of moving on with my day not realizing that I use watching youtube videos, listening to music and other destonian vlogs as an escape mechanism for not taking self responsibility. 

 I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I know I should be moving on with daily tasks otherwise I would not have said "I will do it later" or "just this last time."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want/need to be in this comfort zone because I don't want to go to school and practice or study because I think others judge me as an old college student who should have finished years ago. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the teacher who I take lessons from and my parents telling me that I should have finished college years ago to create fear within me where to I think others will judge me as old while being in class, being seen in the music building, being heard practicing, or being seen studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because I haven't finished school yet and think that I need to live up to the idea I think others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I use my apartment as a place of comfort because when I go outside I might see those people who I think judge me as an old college student and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an "old college student." 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this one last time" is a red flag for me to stop the youtube videos, music listening, reading and watching other destionians vlogs/blogs and to go to the music building.

When and as I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" while I am in my apartment and watching youtube videos, listening to music, or watching/reading others vlogs/blogs - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I am putting off my responsibilities because I am in a comfort zone and when I say "I will do it later" or "just this last time" that I keep repeating whatever it is that I am doing and I don't do it later or don't stop after the last time. I commit myself to stand up and say Stop when and as I say to myself "I will do it later" or "just this last time" while I am in my apartment and watching youtube vids, listening to music, or reading/watching others blogs/vlogs.

When and as I notice myself thinking of myself as an "old college student" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have defined myself as an "old college student" based on what others have told me and this created an emotional feeling of guilt within me and I realize that thinking of myself as an "old college student" is just an idea that I have created in my mind and has no validity whatsoever. I commit myself to notice when and as I think of myself as an "old college student" and to bring myself back here to the physical by feeling the ground my feet are on and to realize this is just an idea that I have created in my mind that is not real.



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