Another thing I realize about writing is that if I stop and think about what I am writing about then I am presenting a fake presentation of myself. This is all Ego. It is because I want/desire others to see me as changing in this process. Wanting others to think I am getting better when I really am not. I realize that this is a process and I have wanted change to happen very quickly. Like a snap of the fingers but this shit doesn't work this way. Everything has to be walked in space and time. I see this now with stopping weed. When I began stopping smoking I wanted to have stopped for a long time. Imagining in my mind that "I want to have not smoked weed for months" and I want this now. It is creating the idea of change in the mind. This, now I realize isn't how things work because of space and time. I imaged myself having stopped smoking and this created a good feeling within me but it took me three to four months to have actually walked it. I ended up falling a few times around 5 months but that is it.
So this is a process and not an automatic thing. Not like going to fucking McDonald's and having things immediately. I now realize that this process takes consistency, patience, and self honesty.