Monday, February 25, 2013

Day 138: We have never smoked together



I decided to smoke weed again the other night. So this is the 2nd time I have fell in stopping weed. There is a person who I have been recently hanging out with and he smokes. Sometimes he comes over while I have another person here and they usually participate in smoking weed. I ended up smoking weed with him the other night because I wanted to experience "getting high" with him because I never have. I used this as an excuse to get high. Using the excuse of "We have never smoked and I used to all the time so I will smoke with you" - This is what I told him. I felt that I could connect with him better if we were high and chilling instead of not being high while hanging together. The same experience happened the last time I smoked. It wasn't that fun at all. It made me realize how smoking weed isn't anything but escapism and suppression. While I was high I thought "this is not as good as it used to be."

So I am coming up with excuses that seem justifiable in order for me to bring the pattern that I stopped for a while back in place. Smoking weed is not as "fun" as it used to be because I have realized that I can live without it and realize there is no point into continuing this pattern because I can now see, realize, and understand how it is just a momentary escape from what I accept and allow myself to exist as.

I used to think smoking weed was a spiritual experience and that everyone should do it at least once and the world would be a better place if this happened. This is what I thought but now realize the simplicity in that thought/statement I would tell others which is: Using something outside of yourself in order to have a spiritual experience which is only a high and what goes up must come down. What goes up must come down is a simple fact if we are here living in this physical existence.

I will continue with self forgiveness on this.



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