Friday, March 29, 2013

Day 153: My Mom was my English Teacher in Middle School Part 2

Continued from Day 152: My Mom was my English Teacher in Middle School





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of doing bad on these reading assignments in the 4th grade. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I started not doing well on these reading assignments in the fourth grade my mom became concerned and I ended up blaming the teacher for my mom's reaction and within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that this is when I started having conflict with teachers. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of being in the fifth grade and accidentally farting in class and my classmates and I started laughing and the teacher saying "It's not funny" and everyone became quiet and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I reacted in anger when this teacher said "It's not funny" and reacted with a feeling of self-consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self conscious while walking in the hallways between classes in middle school fearing that an older student would say something hateful or mean to me about myself or my mom. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories and the feeling of being in middle school and not liking or wanting to go to school because my mom was my teacher.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that while I was in my mom's class I felt as if I could act anyway I wanted to and felt safe while in the classroom and as soon as the class was over and went into the hallway's this feeling disappeared because I feared people saying shit to me or making fun of me because my mom was a teacher. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I felt comfortable and safe in my mom's class because my mom was the teacher. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was secretly angry at those who I heard talk shit about my mom and who would talk shit to me about my mom. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that just like I didn't like most of the teachers I had in middle school others would most likely have teachers that they didn't like. Since my mom was a teacher it makes sense that others might not like her as a teacher. 















Thursday, March 28, 2013

Day 152: My Mom was my English Teacher in Middle School



Ever since around the 4th grade or so I have had problems with authority and the education system. I remember in the 4th grade we had these little reading booklets where we had to read a story and then answer questions based on the story and I had trouble with this. I made bad grades on all of these reading assignments. I don't remember everything about this time in the 4th grade but I ended up very much disliking the teacher.

The 5th grade came and hated the teacher. In the 6th grade we started to have different teachers for each subject and my mom was one of the teachers. So I had my mom as a teacher in middle school because she teaches grades 6 through 8. It was weird going to school and having my mom as a teacher. I remember while being in the 5th or 6th grade a few 8th graders would pick on me because they didn't like my mom as a teacher. Socially it was quite uncomfortable having my mom as a teacher. While in her class I acted out. She gave me conduct marks often, lol. Around that age a lot of students talk about how they don't like certain teachers. Some of my classmates would call my mom a bitch and this made me feel kind of uneasy. I felt uncomfortable being around those who talked shit about my mom as a teacher. Most of my classmates were cool and didn't care that my mom was a teacher but a few would take the anger they had towards my mom and direct it towards me through saying smart ass shit. It is hard to remember a lot of stuff during these years

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Day 151: Everyone Smokes Weed Part Two


Continued from  Day 150: Everyone Smokes Weed



When and as I am around those who are smoking weed and I say to myself "I haven't smoked with them before" or come up with an idea in my mind to justify why I should smoke with him or her - I stop and I breathe. I realize that saying to myself "I haven't smoked with them before" is an excuse/justification in order to keep repeating the pattern of getting high and I realize, see and understand that when I am around others who are smoking weed and I say to myself that I haven't smoked with him or her before is a moment of facing myself and a moment of walking through this point and within this I realize that after being around those who are smoking around me and not participating in smoking when it is offered to me has given me confidence in stopping this pattern that I have participated in for many many years. I commit myself to when and as I say to myself "I haven't smoked with him or her before so I should" to realize that this is an excuse/justification to bring up the pattern/habit of smoking weed and to walk through this desire/want of smoking weed while I am around others who are smoking and within this I commit myself to stand up by not participating in smoking weed while I am around others who are smoking/getting high. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Day 150: Everyone Smokes Weed

Over spring break I hung out with a friend. We were discussing music and figuring out the chords to a few tunes she wrote. Her girlfriend came in and they started to smoke weed. When this happened I really wanted to take a hit. She asked "do you smoke?" and I said I quit. I thought in my mind "I have only smoked with her once years ago". I remember writing about this before and using that same excuse but the self corrective statements led into application at this point. I remembered my commitment. I remembered the last excuse I used in order to get high was "I have never smoked with him so I might as well." and this same thought came up within me. So if it wasn't for writing this shit out and writing self forgiveness and self corrective statements I most definitely would have smoked. So writing myself out, writing self forgiveness and self corrective statements works.

There is nothing wrong with smoking weed but I have made this a decision for myself. I have committed myself to not smoke weed because there is nothing that happens but delusion when smoking weed/being high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to smoke weed when others around me are smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I have only smoked with her once" not realizing that this thought is an excuse/justification for my want/desire to smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have used the excuse/justification of having not smoked with someone before and that this excuse/justification will most likely keep coming up within me when and as I am around those who are smoking weed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to remember my self corrective statements when and as I am facing a point that I want to change about myself in a way that is best for myself and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I have wrote myself out, wrote self forgiveness, and wrote self corrective and self commitment statements that I have changed myself not realizing that it is the application that happens in space and time not just the writing as I realize the writing is useless if it is not applied in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can take on everything that I want to change about myself at once not realizing that this is what causes me to feel overwhelmed, stuck, and static.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can't take on every single point that is going on within me all at once and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump from point to point, back and forth instead of working with one point at a time not realizing that working with one point at a time is the only way that I can change myself that is best for me and best for everyone else.











Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 149: Drinking Buddy Part 2


This is continued from Day 148


I commit myself to notice when and as I am hanging around my friend and thoughts of wanting to get with her sexually come up within me.

I commit myself to realize when and as I am acting out this manipulative friend character that I put on while I am around this friend and I commit myself to once I notice that I am acting out this character to stop it immediately by expressing me as me and not as this manipulative friend character. 

I commit myself to when and as this friend and I are having a conversation about what is going on in our lives and an energetic feeling comes up within me to not accept and allow energetic feeling to continue into sexual thoughts and if these feelings do create sexual thoughts within me I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as this happens. 



I commit myself to not accept and allow this friend to flirt with me by sitting on my lap and I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to flirt with her and massage her back while she is sitting on my lap as I realize this leads to having sexual thoughts towards this friend.  

I commit myself to express me as me when and as I am around this friend and to not accept and allow the point that this friend is a female to influence me into acting differently and I commit myself to be me as me no matter who I am around as I realize that if I am myself and expressing me as me no characters will be acted out until I realize that I am acting out a certain character. 

I commit myself to when and as I am drinking with this friend to not accept and allow myself to drink to the point where this friend and I get into emotional/feeling type of conversations as I realize the whole conversation wouldn't have happened if the alcohol wasn't involved. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Day 148: Drinking Buddy

There is a girl who I have been hanging out with for a while. I clearly have stated that we are friends and that she is my buddy but secretly want to get with her. I know it won't work though, it is mainly how I think she is attractive. I have told her that I have had thoughts about her in this way but told her it would ruin the friendship. We always have deep conversations about life and what is going on with us on the inside and when this happens an energetic feeling comes up within me. She reacts and hugs me saying that I am "such a good friend". We are very open with each other. We drink together quite a bit and always have fun. This reminds me of a relationship I had a few years back and how there are certain people I drink with and those I don't drink with. So you can say we drink more when we hang out than when we are sober together. She is sometimes very flirty but has a boyfriend and he gets very jealous of us hanging around. I know if I were to get with her it would not be self honest because I would be getting involved in unnecessary drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret thoughts towards my friend of wanting to get with her not realizing that it is because I think she is attractive and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seeing her to trigger thoughts of wanting to get involved with her sexually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think if I were to act around her as if we were just friends then she will eventually like me and want to get with me not realizing that I am acting out a character of being a "friend" although I have secret thoughts about wanting to get with her and not realizing that I am not being a real friend if I keep having these sexual thoughts towards her.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am trying to manipulate my friend secretly into wanting me by acting out the "friend" character who is there for her in order to get with her sexually.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when we have conversations about what is going on in her life and she hugs me that an energetic feeling comes up within me that makes me believe I am closer to getting with her sexually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my friend who flirts with me, touches me, and sits on my lap to influence me into having sexual thoughts towards her as I realize that since I know a relationship or aggreement would not work between us and I could simply tell her that I don't want her sitting on my lap.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if she was a guy I wouldn't go back and forth between myself and who I am and the character I put on in order to secretly manipulate her into wanting/desiring her to think of me as someone to get with and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if she was a guy I would treat her differently when we have these deep conversations about her life and be totally up front with her with what she shares with me about her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of loneliness and accept and allow this loneliness to influence me into secretly wanting/desiring to get with my friend even though she has a boyfriend but think she is vunerable enough to get with me not realizing this is complete manipulation and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly try and manipulate another person who is a friend for the desire/want of getting sex just because I think that I can.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the relationship I have with my friend is mostly based on partying together and that drinking makes emotions/feelings come out with us both and then I feel like we are close together not realizing that the drinking was the cause for these emotions/feelings to come out that we share with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk shit about her boyfriend behind his back when she is complaining about him and try to try and convince her to break up with him not realizing that when we have these talks I am going into the "friend" character that is trying to secretly manipulate her into wanting me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I tend to act feminine when I am hanging out with her, just the two of us and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I notice that I am acting feminine that I am acting out the "friend" character that wants to get with my "friend".



























 I realize that I am her friend but I put on a front when I am around her





Saturday, March 16, 2013

Day 147: Analytical Musical Mind Part 2

continued from Day 146: Analytical Musical Mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have declined my listening of jazz because when I listen I am listening in an analytical way that prevents me from simply listening and not realizing that trying to figure out what is going on harmonically while listening to jazz has led to this decline of listening to jazz.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/define myself as a "jazz major"
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed learning tunes that need to be memorized to influence the state I am in while listening to jazz and how this has affected the enjoyment of simply listening to improvised/jazz music.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only listen to jazz/improvised music and shutting myself off from anything that isn't in this style not realizing that I think I need to listen to jazz/improvisation all the time because those who improvise and have had success say it is like learning a new language and that if you wanna learn how to improvise you have to listen all the time but I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to only listen to this style of music because of the want/desire to learn how to play this style of music and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the want/desire of learning this style of music to make listening to it dull and tedious.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to learn and memorize every jazz tune that I listen to and have accepted and allowed this belief to put me in a state of mind that is analytical that doesn't allow me to listen for the sake of listening.
 
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that listening to other styles of music has supported me with enjoying music which allows me to simply sit down and listen without any thoughts of analysis and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of what is going on harmonically whenever I listen to improvisation/jazz like what the soloist is playing, what the rhythm section is doing, and what part of the form the band is at and have accepted and allowed this analytical thinking to take me to the point where I don't enjoy listening to improvisation/jazz anymore.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed knowledge and information about improvisation/jazz to limit me to only listening to this style and to disregard any other style of music because I feel that I need to listen to improvisation/jazz all the time in order to learn it.
 
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to listen to a tune in an analytical way in a responsible way once a day and since I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do this it has led me to go into an analytical state everytime I listen to jazz/improvisation.
 
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I first started to enjoy listening to improvisation/jazz that I didn't think analyitical as I do now which allowed me to listen without any thought.
 
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the want/desire to learn how to improvise has led me to seeing jazz/improvisation as a task

I realize that listening to other styles of music besides jazz helps stop this analytical mind that I have while because while listening to others styles that are not improvisation/jazz I don't think with this analytical mind and that listening to other styles is actually a form of support and that this transfers to when I actually do listen to jazz.

I realize that setting out a time everyday for analytical listening - listening in this analytical mind for only the required time I have set out and to only allow myself to think in this analytical way for the time I have set out will help stop my analytical mind while listening to jazz because after doing this analytical thinking while listening then I have gotten it out of the way and have no use for thinking analytically anymore but only for the enjoyment of listening.

I commit myself to notice when and as I go into an analytical state of mind while listening to jazz/improvisation and to not accept or allow this analytical state of mind to continue while listening to jazz/improvisation.

I commit myself to set a specific time each day when I am to listen/study the tunes that I am learning and once this time is over then I am done with all attentive/selective listening for the day and I commit myself to realize when I am done with selective listening with the tunes I am learning for the day and to not accept and allow this selective listening to continue.

I commit myself to listen to the tunes that I need to learn and memorize in an analytical state of mind for a specific period of time each day allowing myself to get the analytical thinking that is required to learn this art form out of the way once I have done it and I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice this analytical type of thinking coming up after I am done with the time I have set out for this attentive/selective type of listening.

I commit myself to listen to other styles of music other than improvisation/jazz as I realize that when and as I am listening to something that is not improvised that this analytical mind doesn't come up and I just listen.

I commit myself to not accept and allow the knowledge and information I have learned about improvisation/jazz to influence myself into going into an analytical state of mind while listening to jazz for the sake of listening.


 







 
 
 
 

 
 

Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 146: Analytical Musical Mind

Lately I have been listening to other music than jazz. For the past few months actually. I think it is a subconscious or unconscious realization that has led me to this point. This has not been a conscious decision at least. It has made me realize that when I listen to jazz I think of it as learning the tune instead of just listening. Since I am a so called "jazz major" we have to learn all kinds of standards, bebop tunes, ballads, latin charts, etc... and this has taken away the enjoyment of just sitting down and listening.

The other music I have been listening to is music that I used to listen to while growing up; bands like Rancid, Nofx, Sublime and others. While listening to this music I don't think while listening I just fucking listen as comapred to when I am listening to jazz I am constantly listening with thoughts in the back of my head that say that I should be memorizing the tune I am listening to. This takes out all the enjoyment of listening to music. Listening to this non-jazz music has been pretty cool because nothing happens in my mind.

Improvisation is another thing. When listening to jazz I constantly think of what the person is playing/improvising on. If they are playing a certain pattern, scale, something diminished, something altered, something whole tone, something with a b9, #9, b5, #5 etc... While listening I try to figure out what the rhythm section is doing as well and this just takes away from the whole enjoyment of listening. It is worthwhile to know what the rhythm section is doing and what the improviser is actually doing harmonically and to study it but it has made me think in this way all the time while listening to jazz. Most the time at least.

I remember when I first started listening to jazz I didn't really like it. It took a while to grow on me. When it did I couldn't stop listening. Ever since I started studying it over the years the enjoyment of listening to jazz has declined because of my thoughts of trying to learn this art form. I am "trying" to learn something. Like a type of force which doesn't fucking work. I realize after jazz grew on me I was just listening and no thoughts were going on. The occasional "This is fucking awesome" but nothing much else and now I am like "did he play a b9 or #9 on the ii V tritone substitution?" LOL!!


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Day 145: I don't feel like doing the dishes Part 3

 This is continued from Day 143: I don't feel like doing the dishes
                                   Day 144: I don't feel like doing the dishes part 2 

I commit myself to notice when the feeling comes up within me of not wanting to do the dishes and to notice that when I am in a state of not wanting to do the dishes that I am in a positive feeling state of mind that I want/desire to stay in and that doing anything outside of this positive feeling state of mind would take me away from this positive feeling state of mind that is based on energy and self-interest.

I commit myself to investigate the "I don't feel like doing it" character and the state that I am in when and as I am participating/acting out this character and I commit myself to notice the positive feeling state that I am in when I say or think "oh I should clean those dishes so they don't start to pile up but I don't feel like doing that right now" and to not accept or allow this positive feeling to possess me.



I commit myself to investigate what things I have labeled/defined as positive and stimulating and what things I have labeled/defined as negative and not stimulating thus looking at the energy that exists within and as me while participating in certain activities

I commit myself to notice and to be aware of when and as I go into the "I don't feel like doing it" character and when and as I step out of the "I don't feel like doing it" character and to investigate the energy flucuations between the times I go into the "I don't feel like doing it" character and step out of the "I don't feel like doing it" character.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to go to a fast food restaurant just because I don't feel like doing the dishes as I realize that doing the dishes and making the food I have is more healthy than just going to a fast food restaurant and that doing the dishes and cooking my own food when and as I desire/want to have food automatically that I will be stepping out of the "I don't feel like doing it" character therefore supporting myself.

I commit myself to notice the things that I have written about before and have kept repeating by investigating the positive and negative labels/definitions I have placed on certain activities thus allowing me to see/realize how these positive and negative labels/definitions I place on certain activities influence me to keep repeating the same patterns/programming that exists within me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to only do the dishes when I have none left by directing myself to do the dishes when and as I notice that I am living/acting out the "I don't feel like doing it" character and I commit myself to breathe in and out when and as I notice the energy that exists within me while living/acting out the "I don't feel like doing it" character.

I commit myself to when and as I say to myself "I don't feel like doing the dishes" to stand up and do them the moment I say to myself "I don't feel like doing the dishes" as I realize that the only way to stop this pattern/programming is to step out of the "I don't feel like doing it" character when and as I notice that I am living/acting out this character. 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Day 144: I don't feel like doing the dishes part 2

This is a continuation from  Day 143: I don't feel like doing the dishes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off cleaning the dishes until I have none left to use and all the dishes are dirty and am forced to clean some dishes so that I can make some food and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I put off cleaning the dishes because of my own self interest - putting my own desires before doing the necessary things that must be done to live in a clean/healthy environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "oh I should clean those dishes so they don't start to pile up but I don't feel like doing that right now"and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I say to myself "oh I should clean those dishes so they don't start to pile up but I don't feel like doing that right now" that I end up saying it again when I make some food and put those dishes in the sink creating a pile of dishes

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I say/think to myself "oh I should clean those dishes so they don't start to pile up but I don't feel like doing that right now" is a direct indication that I should do the dishes and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I don't do the dishes when I say "oh I should clean those dishes so they don't start to pile up but I don't feel like doing that right now" that I end up saying the same thing the next time I eat and have more dirty dishes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a "I don't feel like doing it" character where in my mind I have created a negative feeling towards doing the dishes because I don't find doing the dishes to be stimulating and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't do the dishes because it is not stimulating and not realizing that this stimulation that I seek/desire/want to have means that I will lose the stimulation/energy that I seek/desire/want while doing the dishes.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that by participating in the "I don't feel like doing it" character that I am living out the programming that exists within/as me and that if I were to do that which I don't feel like doing I will not be living as the "I don't feel like doing it character" but be directing myself and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I go into the "I don't feel like doing it" character that I do so because I am in a positive experience/feeling and that doing the dishes or stepping out of the "I don't feel like doing it" character would move me into a negative experience/feeling.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize the polarity caused by going into the "I don't feel like doing it" character - not realizing that stepping out of the "I don't feel like doing it" character causes me to go from a character that I enjoy participating in that has a positive feeling connected to it and not realizing that if I am participating in a character that has a positive feeling connected to it that it is connected to an energetic feeling within me that feels good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to a fast food restaurant because I don't feel like cleaning the huge pile of dishes in the sink not realizing that I have created the huge pile of dishes based on living out the "I don't feel like doing it" character and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that by going to a fast food restaurant when I have the choice to eat the food I have that I am doing so because I don't want to be taken away from the "I don't feel like doing it" character and therefore go to a fast food restaurant so I can stay in character and not face what would actually support me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have written about putting off cleaning the dishes before but have not realized/seen/understood the energetic feelings connected with the activities that I participate in that I label as positive or negative in my mind that create me to go into character from character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off cleaning the dishes and when I do clean the dishes they are quite nasty with gunk/shit on them because I have ignored cleaning them not realizing that when I put off doing the dishes I am in the "I don't feel like doing it" character thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the "I don't feel like doing it" character.




Thursday, March 7, 2013

Day 143: I don't feel like doing the dishes

Cleaning the dishes is something I tend to put off. I put it off until I have nothing clean to put food on. After the day is almost done I have a small pile of dishes and think to myself "oh I should clean those dishes so they don't start to pile up but I don't feel like doing that right now." The next day goes by and even more dishes pile up and I think the same thing. By then, cleaning the dishes seems like it would take forever to clean - That is what I think so I don't do it. The next day comes and I use any dishes that I have left to make food and this is when I usually run out of dishes. Sometimes I will just go to a fast food place because I don't want to have to clean dishes or make food. I think "It will take at least 30 minutes to cook something so I am just going to go to Wendy's."


I remember writing about this maybe a year or so ago and I am still doing the exact same thing. Putting cleaning the dishes off until I have none left and I am forced to clean them so I can eat something. When I do clean the dishes it is quite nasty because they have been sitting in the sink for a few days.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Day 142: Rats and the Police Part 2


continued from: Day 141: Rats and the Police

I realize that the past memories of the negatively charged experiences I have had with the police is still influencing my perception of how I think all police are and accepting and allowing these memories to influence me means I am a slave to my own past experiences. 

I realize that imagining/creating ideas up of how to bitch out the RA who ratted on other people does nothing but create energy in my body that in turn creates my emotions to be in charge of myself and I realize that accepting and allowing my emotions to control myself when I have a conversation with another person is nothing but verbal diarrhea.

I realize that the RA who ratted others out was just doing her job according to the rules that she was told to follow and that having a conversation with her about it in an emotional way where I bitch her out would do nothing but cause conflict. 

I commit myself to notice when and as an energetic feeling of defensiveness comes up within me when and as I see a cop or a cop car and I commit myself to not accept or allow this feeling of energy to influence myself in how I act or what I say and simply let the energy pass through me.  

I commit myself to notice when and as while seeing a cop or cop car triggers thoughts of thinking I am going to be attacked and others are going to be attacked and when this happens to realize that I think cops are going to attack me and others because of my past memories of the interactions I have had with the police and I commit myself to stop myself through the breath when and as the negatively charged memories I have experienced come up within me.

I commit myself to stop all imagined ideas of me telling the RA off who ratted out other people and if I end up having a conversation with her about why she rats other people out to not accept or allow the energy that may come up within me to influence me into speaking in an emotional way or speaking verbal diarrhea and I commit myself to stop the conversation if I am speaking based on my emotions or speaking verbal diarrhea.



Monday, March 4, 2013

Day 141: Rats and the Police



The other day something interesting happened. I was behind the music building smoking a cigarette with a few other people. This is the new smoking area. I ended up kicking around a basketball like it was a soccer ball/hackey sack with another person. This dude is from Saudi Arabia. We always have interesting conversations about this life, lol. Anyway, some other girls came by who had been drinking. One of the girls I have met and the other I haven't ever talked to. The one I kinda knew came up and hugged me over and over, lol.

An interesting thing happened. One of the RAs (a girl who gets paid to be the mommy and daddy of the floor of the dorm she lives on) who I always see came down and heard these two girls talking about how they had been drinking. These girls were not being crazy or causing any harm at all but this RA decided to call the police. The cops came up while we were kicking the ball around. The cops asked us if we had been drinking and I had this energetic feeling come up inside of me with backchat "I dare you to give me a breathalyzer" because I obviously wasn't drunk while kicking around this ball. One cop said "have you been smoking something, your pupils are dilated" and I said back very strongly "I stopped smoking weed seven months ago" and he laughed at me. I walked away to the area where the RA was smoking and I said "What the fuck is going on here?" and she said "Don't talk about alcohol in front of an RA" while looking at the two cops arresting these two girls.  The RA told the cops that two girls were drunk while at the smoking area and they were arrested.  One of the girls was screaming while the cops where putting handcuffs on her as if she was being harrased. She was resisting arrest. While walking back to my apartment it hit me that this was the RA that four other females have told me they were ratted out by her. This pissed me off and still pisses me off. This RA sits and spys on others/eaves drops while she is smoking. It makes me very angry. In this system, in America especially we are trained to "party" while going to college so you can expect it to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this energetic feeling that came up within me when a cop asked me "Have you been smoking something, your pupils are dilated" because I had prepared myself in a defensive mode as soon as I saw the cops pull up and this offended me because I don't smoke weed anymore like I once did and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing a cop in a car to exist as a trigger point that triggers me to go into a defensive state thinking that I will be attacked and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that the cops are out to get me when and as I see them driving around not realizing that I am living in a state of paranoia because of past memories. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all cops are the same and are out to attack other people and me not realizing that I think this because of the past memory of being at a high school dance where I asked a cop to unlock my car door because I locked my keys in the car and he told me that we can't do that anymore and I responded with "serve and protect my ass" and he got very angry at me and the memory of being arrested at the music building for having alcohol on my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to prove to the cops that I haven't been doing anything wrong when and as I saw them pull up as in imagining "I dare you to give me a breathalyzer" so I could prove to them I was sober and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I wanted to prove that I was sober because the last time I had a run in with the cops I was arrested for having alcohol on my breath while in the music building practicing and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold onto this memory.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I realized the RA smoking was the RA who has ratted many others out to become full of anger that created an energy within me that led to backchat about the girl who called the cops on those two girls and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at the RA for ratting out other people instead of realizing that she was just doing her job according to the rules she was told to follow and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the next time seeing the RA smoking at the corner to walk up to her and bitch her out and to tell her why she is wrong and ignorant for ratting out others.