The other day something interesting happened. I was behind the music building smoking a cigarette with a few other people. This is the new smoking area. I ended up kicking around a basketball like it was a soccer ball/hackey sack with another person. This dude is from Saudi Arabia. We always have interesting conversations about this life, lol. Anyway, some other girls came by who had been drinking. One of the girls I have met and the other I haven't ever talked to. The one I kinda knew came up and hugged me over and over, lol.
An interesting thing happened. One of the RAs (a girl who gets paid to be the mommy and daddy of the floor of the dorm she lives on) who I always see came down and heard these two girls talking about how they had been drinking. These girls were not being crazy or causing any harm at all but this RA decided to call the police. The cops came up while we were kicking the ball around. The cops asked us if we had been drinking and I had this energetic feeling come up inside of me with backchat "I dare you to give me a breathalyzer" because I obviously wasn't drunk while kicking around this ball. One cop said "have you been smoking something, your pupils are dilated" and I said back very strongly "I stopped smoking weed seven months ago" and he laughed at me. I walked away to the area where the RA was smoking and I said "What the fuck is going on here?" and she said "Don't talk about alcohol in front of an RA" while looking at the two cops arresting these two girls. The RA told the cops that two girls were drunk while at the smoking area and they were arrested. One of the girls was screaming while the cops where putting handcuffs on her as if she was being harrased. She was resisting arrest. While walking back to my apartment it hit me that this was the RA that four other females have told me they were ratted out by her. This pissed me off and still pisses me off. This RA sits and spys on others/eaves drops while she is smoking. It makes me very angry. In this system, in America especially we are trained to "party" while going to college so you can expect it to happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this energetic feeling that came up within me when a cop asked me "Have you been smoking something, your pupils are dilated" because I had prepared myself in a defensive mode as soon as I saw the cops pull up and this offended me because I don't smoke weed anymore like I once did and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing a cop in a car to exist as a trigger point that triggers me to go into a defensive state thinking that I will be attacked and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that the cops are out to get me when and as I see them driving around not realizing that I am living in a state of paranoia because of past memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all cops are the same and are out to attack other people and me not realizing that I think this because of the past memory of being at a high school dance where I asked a cop to unlock my car door because I locked my keys in the car and he told me that we can't do that anymore and I responded with "serve and protect my ass" and he got very angry at me and the memory of being arrested at the music building for having alcohol on my breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to prove to the cops that I haven't been doing anything wrong when and as I saw them pull up as in imagining "I dare you to give me a breathalyzer" so I could prove to them I was sober and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I wanted to prove that I was sober because the last time I had a run in with the cops I was arrested for having alcohol on my breath while in the music building practicing and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hold onto this memory.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I realized the RA smoking was the RA who has ratted many others out to become full of anger that created an energy within me that led to backchat about the girl who called the cops on those two girls and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at the RA for ratting out other people instead of realizing that she was just doing her job according to the rules she was told to follow and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the next time seeing the RA smoking at the corner to walk up to her and bitch her out and to tell her why she is wrong and ignorant for ratting out others.