Thursday, March 21, 2013

Day 148: Drinking Buddy

There is a girl who I have been hanging out with for a while. I clearly have stated that we are friends and that she is my buddy but secretly want to get with her. I know it won't work though, it is mainly how I think she is attractive. I have told her that I have had thoughts about her in this way but told her it would ruin the friendship. We always have deep conversations about life and what is going on with us on the inside and when this happens an energetic feeling comes up within me. She reacts and hugs me saying that I am "such a good friend". We are very open with each other. We drink together quite a bit and always have fun. This reminds me of a relationship I had a few years back and how there are certain people I drink with and those I don't drink with. So you can say we drink more when we hang out than when we are sober together. She is sometimes very flirty but has a boyfriend and he gets very jealous of us hanging around. I know if I were to get with her it would not be self honest because I would be getting involved in unnecessary drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret thoughts towards my friend of wanting to get with her not realizing that it is because I think she is attractive and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seeing her to trigger thoughts of wanting to get involved with her sexually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think if I were to act around her as if we were just friends then she will eventually like me and want to get with me not realizing that I am acting out a character of being a "friend" although I have secret thoughts about wanting to get with her and not realizing that I am not being a real friend if I keep having these sexual thoughts towards her.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am trying to manipulate my friend secretly into wanting me by acting out the "friend" character who is there for her in order to get with her sexually.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when we have conversations about what is going on in her life and she hugs me that an energetic feeling comes up within me that makes me believe I am closer to getting with her sexually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my friend who flirts with me, touches me, and sits on my lap to influence me into having sexual thoughts towards her as I realize that since I know a relationship or aggreement would not work between us and I could simply tell her that I don't want her sitting on my lap.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if she was a guy I wouldn't go back and forth between myself and who I am and the character I put on in order to secretly manipulate her into wanting/desiring her to think of me as someone to get with and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if she was a guy I would treat her differently when we have these deep conversations about her life and be totally up front with her with what she shares with me about her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of loneliness and accept and allow this loneliness to influence me into secretly wanting/desiring to get with my friend even though she has a boyfriend but think she is vunerable enough to get with me not realizing this is complete manipulation and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly try and manipulate another person who is a friend for the desire/want of getting sex just because I think that I can.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the relationship I have with my friend is mostly based on partying together and that drinking makes emotions/feelings come out with us both and then I feel like we are close together not realizing that the drinking was the cause for these emotions/feelings to come out that we share with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk shit about her boyfriend behind his back when she is complaining about him and try to try and convince her to break up with him not realizing that when we have these talks I am going into the "friend" character that is trying to secretly manipulate her into wanting me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I tend to act feminine when I am hanging out with her, just the two of us and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I notice that I am acting feminine that I am acting out the "friend" character that wants to get with my "friend".



























 I realize that I am her friend but I put on a front when I am around her





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