Saturday, April 27, 2013

Day 166: Blinded by the End Result Part Two

Continued from Day 165: Blinded by the End Result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the big picture to the point of blinding myself from walking one day at a time and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of the end result to blind me from walking day by day and breath by breath and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself having changed not realizing that change doesn't happen by imagining it but by walking day by day and breath by breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imagined myself having changed something about myself and have accepted and allowed this idea to create a feeling within me like I have done something instead of realizing that I haven't done anything or walked anything in space and time but have only imagined myself having done something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I imagine myself having changed something about myself that a good feeling comes up within me like I have walked something and not realizing that this was just something that I have thought up in my imagination.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, or notice when and as I go into the mind and imagine myself having changed something about myself and the feeling it creates within me like I have walked something not realizing that this was all created in the mind and that I haven't walked anything in physical space and time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize how the mind can blind me from the physical .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the mind and the energy that it creates and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts of imagining myself having changed something myself to be true not realizing the next day I feel completely different from when I first had those thoughts.




Friday, April 26, 2013

Day 165: Blinded by the End Result

What I have noticed throughout this process is that I look at the Big Picture and focus on the the Big Picture without realizing that, if I am to change myself I have to do it in space and time. I see the end result so much that I am blinded by the steps that have to be walked to get to that "end result". I keep thinking about the "end result" and focusing on that. This shit all happens in the imagination and I imagine the "end result" without  even considering what has to be walked. 



When I look back at my writings I see this shit. I see how I have looked at the big picture so much to the point to where I have blinded myself from the steps that have to be walked to get to the point of the goal. Quite a fucked up thing. The mind is quite a fucked up thing, lol.




Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Day 164: OCD and Losing Keys Part Three



Continued from 

Day 162: OCD and Losing Keys


When and as I feel the need to check to see if my keys are on me once I have placed them in a secure area - I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that my apartment is my comfort zone and that if I have a place that I go to in order to feel safe/comfortable then I have also created the opposite where I am in places that I am uncomfortable. 

I realize that I check to make sure I have my keys repeatedly because I fear not having access to my comfort zone. 

I realize and accept that leaving my apartment without participating in the ritual of checking my keys repeatedly even though I know I have put them in my bag pack will be met with resistance.

I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to check to see if I have my keys over and over again once I have placed them in my bag. 


I commit myself to investigate all memories that are connected with my behavior of obsessively making sure that I have my keys. 

I commit myself to once I have placed my keys in my bag to realize that they are in my bag and I commit myself to stop repeatedly checking my bag to see if my keys are in my bag once I have placed them in my bag. 

I commit myself to stop participating in the ritual of checking to see if I have my keys over and over again throughout the day and I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to participate in the feeling of comfort that is felt within me when I am absolutely sure that I have my keys on me. 

I commit myself to walk through the fear of not participating in the ritual of checking repeatedly to see if my keys are on me and the uncomfortable feeling that comes up when and as I don't participate in this ritual. 

I commit myself to communicate with my landlord when and as the time comes of needing assistance with something in my apartment. 

I commit myself to investigate what is going on within me when and as I feel the need to retreat to my "comfort" zone/apartment. 
I commit myself to be aware when and as I place my keys in a secure spot like my pockets or bag pack and to not accept or allow myself to make sure they are on me once my keys are in a secure spot. 

I commit myself to say "my keys are in my bag" and to not accept or allow myself to look back once I have said "my keys are in my bag"

I commit myself to investigate all of the ritualistic behaviors that I participate in. 















Monday, April 22, 2013

Day 163: OCD and Losing Keys Part Two

This is continued from  Day 162: OCD and Losing Keys



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to check multiple times to see if I have my keys before I leave the apartment even though I know that they are in my bag. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my parents coming to the bookstore where I locked my keys in my car with my friend in high school. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessively check to make sure that I have my keys on me throughout the day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a ritual where I make sure my keys are in my hands before I leave the apartment even though I know they are in my bag and I forgive myself that I have allowed this ritual to create a feeling of comfort within me when I leave the apartment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear locking my keys in my apartment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to call the landlord if I would lock my keys in my apartment and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to deal with my landlord in person. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear not being able to go to my apartment if I lock my keys in my apartment because it is my "comfort" zone. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have defined my apartment as a comfortable place where I am comfortable and not realizing that labeling/defining my apartment as a comfortable place means that when I step out of my apartment the chances of being uncomfortable are raised as I have left my "comfort" zone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weird and uncomfortable if I don't check to see if I have my keys and make sure they are in my hand before I leave the apartment even though I know where they are 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ritual of constantly checking to see if my keys are on me before I leave the apartment to create a feeling of comfort and safeness within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable if I don't participate in the ritual of gathering my things and checking obsessively over and over again to make sure that I have my keys on me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly make sure I have my keys on me before I get out of my car even though I know they are on me. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the memories of locking my keys in my apartment and car have helped created this ritualistic behavior of making sure I have my keys on me two, three, or four times before I leave my apartment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "ok, my keys are in my bag" and then gather the rest of my books, notebooks, and music and then check again when I have physically put my keys in my bag and have said out loud that they are in my bag. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself as OCD because I have a ritualistic behavior of checking to make sure my keys are on me multiple times before I leave my apartment. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Day 162: OCD and Losing Keys



I obsessively check to make sure I have my keys whenever I leave my apartment. When I was younger I locked my keys in my car and had to have my parents come and bring the spare key to unlock it. A few other times I have had similar situations happen where I have locked my keys in the apartment or car. Ever since then I obsessively check to make sure that I have my keys even though I already know they are in my bagpack. When I leave my apartment I have a ritual where I check to make sure I have my keys even though I know they are in my bag. I have to have them in my hands before I walk out of my apartment otherwise I feel weird. These memories of locking my keys in the car and leaving them in my apartment have caused me to do these OCD type of rituals before I get out of my car or leave my apartment. Sometimes I say to myself out loud "Ok, my keys are in my bagpack and I know they are in my bagpack." Then I gather my books or whatever I need and have to check to make sure they are still in my bagpack. LOL

Friday, April 19, 2013

Day 161: Charles Bukowski and My Rant Part Three


Continued from  Day 159: Charles Bukowski and My Rant
                 Day 160: Charles Bukowski and My Rant Part Two
         







When and as I notice myself repeatedly watching things over and over that make me angry - I stop and I breathe. 

I realize that how I believe the world is fucked and will never be changed is a confirmation that I am more focused on the fuckedness in the world than on myself and not taking responsibility for myself. 

I realize that I repeatedly watch things over and over that creates negative energy to come up within me and I realize that it is not necessary to repeatedly watch things over and over if I understand what was being said in the video otherwise I am just creating energetic emotions/feelings within me. 

I commit myself to notice and to investigate what triggers reactions of anger to come up within me.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to focus more on myself than I do on the problems of this world and within this I commit myself to study and investigate the problems of this world but not to the point of focusing on them so much to the point of blinding myself from myself. 

I commit myself to stop repeatedly watching and reading things over and over that obviously make me angry and angrier the more I watch and read by physically doing something else. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Day 160: Charles Bukowski and My Rant Part Two


Continued from Day 159: Charles Bukowski and My Rant




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed watching and hearing Bukowski talk about the system to create an emotional experience of anger within me instead of realizing that he was not the one who created the anger within me because it already existed within me thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize and be aware of the anger that exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hearing and watching Bukowski to trigger anger within me, getting angry at the system and how things work in this world. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am part of this world and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed is a way to remove this anger/hate towards the world. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am actually angry at myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, the patterns and habits. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of how I have repeated the same patterns and habits for years and haven't taken responsibility for changing them as I realize I can't change them all at once but one by one, day by day, breath by breath and within this I also realize that taking self responsibility for the patterns and habits I have accepted and allowed to continue is the only way to lessen the anger that exists within and as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place so much attention on the fuckedness of this world to the point of blinding myself from myself and what I accept and allow as I realize it is important to know what is going on in this world but have focused on it so much where I blind myself from myself and blame the outside world and the system instead of taking self responsibility for myself. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the tools of desteni have allowed me to see the tip of the iceberg, barely scratched the surface so to say that is me not realizing an iceberg is huge so this is a process. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Day 159: Charles Bukowski and My Rant

Today I was watching videos of Charles Bukowski talking and felt the same way as him. He was talking about the system and how we are programmed like robots. I felt this anger come up within me. This anger has been growing for quite sometime. The more I look at the world and study the past and the present the more pissed I get.

When looking back through history it is quite sickening what the human race has done to each other, all living things, and the planet. Lately, the more I learn about this existence the more pissed off I get. It is fucking sickening what humans are capable of doing. This reality is so fucked up if we study the past and the present. There has been no evolving of anything that has had the slightest thing to do with equality because humans are so fucked up and I am one of them. But this is Reality. The Real Reality of this Existence is Fucked Up! War, the money system, the WTO, the World Bank, the UN, the CFR, the economy, the starvation, the rape, murders, drug addiction, pharmaceutical companies, big business, vanity, the media, nuclear weapons, guns, sports, education, etc etc, fucking etc...

So I am quite angry about what human beings have accepted and allowed yet I am one of them so I am really pissed at myself and what I have accepted and allowed. I have been aware of what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as for quite a few years. The tools that desteni has provided to all of us like writing oneself out and writing/speaking self forgiveness, self honesty, writing self corrective statements and then walking the correction in physical space and time has helped me understand myself tremendously and I have changed a few things about myself through these tools. This is obviously going to be a long process.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 158: Putting Things Off Until the Last Minute Part Three



Related to:

Day 157: Putting Things Off Until the Last Minute Part Two


                          



When and as I notice a task that needs to be completed keeps coming up within me and I have the desire/want to keep putting the task off - I stop and I breathe.

I realize that doing my responsibilities when they keep coming up in my mind instead of putting them off until the last minute will lessen the stress in my life and how I treat others.

I realize that taking on my responsibilities in a self directive way instead of putting them off until the last minute will lessen the fluctuations of the up/down moods within me and help create stability within me and I realize this will also help create self trust within me.

I realize taking on my responsibilities when they need to be done instead of putting them off until the last minute is living in a way that is best for me and best for others as doing this would help lessen my self-interest.

I commit myself to notice when and as thoughts of a task that needs to be done comes up within me.

I commit myself to stop creating stress within me that is created by putting tasks/responsibilities off until the last minute by physically doing the specific task that I constantly remind myself of doing.

I commit myself to stop participating in the act of laziness by doing the tasks that I keep reminding myself of and putting off until the last minute by doing my daily tasks/responsibilities in a structured way instead of waiting until the last minute.

I commit myself to break down big assignments into small steps instead of doing large assignments at the last minute all at once.

I commit myself to create stability within me by doing large tasks/assignments in small steps instead of at the very last minute.

I commit myself to stop the self-interest that exists within me by taking on my responsibilities/assignments in a structured way by breaking them down into small steps.








Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 157: Putting Things Off Until the Last Minute Part Two

I just finished this paper that I have been putting off for months and feel a load of relief. The fucked up thing is that I knew what the consequences of putting this paper off would do but I did it anyway. I never felt like doing the research for this paper. I used the word "felt" which is a feeling. I just wanna do things when I think they should be done or when I "feel" like doing them.

This shows me that I do my daily activities based on self interest. I do things when I feel like doing them without considering the consequences it has on myself and others. I put my own desires of being in a "comfortable" "happy" "positive" state without realizing that I am actually creating myself to end up going into the opposite polarity at some time. Staying in this "happy" "positive" and "comfortable" state is something I do all the time.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a state of doing assignments until the last minute not realizing that I place myself in a stressful state of being which creates the opposite effect when the assignment is done therefore living within and as a constant fluctuation of ups and downs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things only when I feel like doing them not realizing that I am living in complete self interest when and as I do this, only caring for my own happiness and comfortable state of mind and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that only doing things when I feel like doing them is a confirmation of my own self interest and also confirms that I am not living in a way that is best for all.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Day 156: Putting Thing off till the Last Minute.

Today I have been putting off a paper that is due soon. I tend to do this with homework. I need to go to the library and get some books for research but don't feel like walking all the way to the library. This is simply laziness. This has to be done and I notice the more I put off doing this paper the more stressed I become.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off doing this paper until the last minute before it is due.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that putting off this paper until the last minute causes stress within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the act of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a lazy person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self directive and have instead let the due date for this paper and other assignments direct me to start at the last minute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a state of stress by putting off assignments until the last minute not realizing that this state of stress has an effect on how I treat others in my daily living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing this paper I am doing not realizing this fear influences me to put off things until the last moment. 

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Day 155: Way Too Much Part 2

. Continued from  Day 154: Way Too Much





When and as I notice myself feeling overwhelmed about schoolwork and don't know where to start with it - I stop and I breathe.

I realize that the only way to walk through this overwhelmingness/too much ness feeling with doing homework is to break things down into small steps, point by point and work through each point until that point is completed.

I commit myself to notice when and as I become overwhelmed. 

I commit myself to investigate all areas of myself when I am in an overwhelming state of mind and to get to the bottom of why I become overwhelmed. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I go into a static state of mind/zombie state of mind when I am feeling overwhelmed and to stop this zombie like state by physically moving to the task at hand that I am feeling overwhelmed about as I realize that doing the task that I am overwhelmed about stops this zombie like state of mind to stop. 

I commit myself to write myself out when and as I feel overwhelmed and go into a static state of mind as I realize that writing myself helps slow me down.

I commit myself to break things down into small steps when and as I become overwhelmed about completing a specific task that is on my mind and I commit myself to when and as I am overwhelmed to complete one small point of the task that I am feeling overwhelmed about. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Day 154: Way Too Much


School has been hitting me in the face lately so I have been not doing daily writing. Everything Again seems Too Much. It is like I don't know how to deal with my daily living when I become overwhelmed. There is a choice I could make here or there and I just sit and don't move and go into the mind. This has been happening for a long damn time.

This paper I am writing for a history class I am in is on my mind and I don't know where to start in how to write it when in fact I do know how to start it. Doing just a little bit at a time. I expect to have big chunks of the paper done when I work on it and that is not how it fucking works, lol. I should have learned this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the overwhelming feeling of school to occupy my mind to the point where I don't participate in daily writing and think that not writing for a day or several days is justified because I feel overwhelmed with school.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I feel overwhelmed and everything seems too much I sit in a static state and go into the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that daily writing helps actually helps slow me down and all of the too much ness/overwhelmingness that I feel.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take on one point at a time and in not taking on one point at a time I end up going in the mind and going into a static state of mind where I don't move at all and end up staying in an overwhelming state of mind and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe when and as I am aware/notice that I am in this overwhelming state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not fully investigate myself and all of the reasons why I go into a zombie like state of mind when and as I feel overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have felt this too much ness/overwhelming feeling for a long time now and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I haven't investigated all areas/points that are connected to this too much ness/overwhelmingness and the only way to sort this too much ness/overwhelmingness is to investigate all the dimensions that exists within/as me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do just a little bit of studying at a time not realizing that I become overwhelmed because I go into an all or nothing state of mind where I think I shouldn't do anything because I don't know how to start a paper or an big assignment and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that this black and white/all or nothing state of mind is what makes me go into an overwhelming state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire perfection in whatever it is that I participate in not realizing that the starting point is perfection and that this idea of perfection takes me to an overwhelming state.