Monday, April 8, 2013

Day 154: Way Too Much


School has been hitting me in the face lately so I have been not doing daily writing. Everything Again seems Too Much. It is like I don't know how to deal with my daily living when I become overwhelmed. There is a choice I could make here or there and I just sit and don't move and go into the mind. This has been happening for a long damn time.

This paper I am writing for a history class I am in is on my mind and I don't know where to start in how to write it when in fact I do know how to start it. Doing just a little bit at a time. I expect to have big chunks of the paper done when I work on it and that is not how it fucking works, lol. I should have learned this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the overwhelming feeling of school to occupy my mind to the point where I don't participate in daily writing and think that not writing for a day or several days is justified because I feel overwhelmed with school.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I feel overwhelmed and everything seems too much I sit in a static state and go into the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that daily writing helps actually helps slow me down and all of the too much ness/overwhelmingness that I feel.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take on one point at a time and in not taking on one point at a time I end up going in the mind and going into a static state of mind where I don't move at all and end up staying in an overwhelming state of mind and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe when and as I am aware/notice that I am in this overwhelming state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not fully investigate myself and all of the reasons why I go into a zombie like state of mind when and as I feel overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have felt this too much ness/overwhelming feeling for a long time now and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I haven't investigated all areas/points that are connected to this too much ness/overwhelmingness and the only way to sort this too much ness/overwhelmingness is to investigate all the dimensions that exists within/as me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do just a little bit of studying at a time not realizing that I become overwhelmed because I go into an all or nothing state of mind where I think I shouldn't do anything because I don't know how to start a paper or an big assignment and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that this black and white/all or nothing state of mind is what makes me go into an overwhelming state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire perfection in whatever it is that I participate in not realizing that the starting point is perfection and that this idea of perfection takes me to an overwhelming state.


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