Friday, May 31, 2013

Day 182: What is Wrong with Sports Today?

Sports are something I have disliked ever since high school. In high school I saw how some people who were involved in sports got special treatment from teachers and the community. They were seen as more important than others because they played sports. If you look at it sports are just as, if not more so important as the education we receive during high school.



Seeing a group of sport fanatics at a game can be quite disturbing - how humans act while watching a sporting event. There are fights that happen. Parents getting into fights with other parents while watching their kids game, rioting, emotional breakdowns, testosterone, disliking those who are rooting for the other team.

Jerry Seinfeld explains this quite well:

"Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players are always changing, the team could move to another city…you’re actually rooting for the clothes, when you get right down to it. You’re standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player, but if he goes to another team, they’ll boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they hate him now! Boo! Different shirt! Boo…"
— Jerry Seinfeld
With all this you can see that there is nothing wrong with sports but there IS something wrong with the human. Sports are just fine. It is how the human has created the sport mentality which again creates parents getting into fights with other parents while watching their kids game, rioting, emotional breakdowns, testosterone, disliking those who are rooting for the other team, etc....
I may continue with this at another time.



Monday, May 27, 2013

Day 181: Memorial Day Triggers

Today I went to the bank and they closed early because of Memorial Day. After finding out I was 30 minutes late I became pissed. While driving back to the apartment I started thinking about Memorial Day and how full of shit I think it is. Later I was online and see all of this pro military shit everywhere and became more pissed.

Sometimes I post pictures that are anti-war on facebook with thoughts of trying to prove something to those who support the troops. I think in my mind "Why can't you see that war doesn't work, I am going to show you why!" LOL!


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the bank closing early on Memorial Day to trigger an emotion of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I blamed Memorial Day for the reason the bank was closed instead of realizing that I should have been aware of this change in the hours because businesses are closed and/or close early on Memorial Day and I have known this ever since I was a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing pro military advertisements online and on facebook to trigger anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to post anti-war pictures on facebook with thoughts of thinking I will prove why war is bad and convince those who are supports of the troops and war to my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "Why can't you see that war doesn't work? I am going to show you why!" not realizing that if I placed myself in their shoes I would most likely not have the opinion I have on the troops and war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing those in military uniform to trigger anger within me and then to think that they are brainwashed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have no idea what it is like to be in the shoes of someone who supports the troops or the war so my judgment of them is invalid.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that since I don't know what it is like to be in another persons shoes then judging them for joining the military makes no since because today's system encourages it because you can make money by joining the military.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Day 180: Alcohol Fueled Anger Part Three

For context read day 178 and 179.



When and as I see myself thinking about the memory of a friend and I arguing over whether or not I should be knocking on my friends door and my friend saying "I am getting ready to hit you" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that alcohol played a role in our argument. I realize that I can't just avoid her because I will end up seeing her around the apartment I live in and within this I realize that I have the choice to choose to hang out with her or not. I commit myself to not avoid this friend but to not accept or allow myself to socialize with her.

When and as the memory memory of being with my ex girlfriend in my apartment and my friend knocking on the door and not answering because I felt I would have to change personas and later realizing that he needed a place to stay because him and his girlfriend broke up and he had no place to stay - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this memory represents my self-interest because I wanted the girl who was my girlfriend at that time all to myself and I justified myself not answering the door in my mind because we were in a long distance relationship where I only saw her two or so days a week. I commit myself to investigate what is going on inside me when and as someone knocks on my door and I feel the need to ignore whoever is at my door.

When and as I see myself participating in backchat that is directed at a friend who I socialize with - I stop and I breathe. I realize that my backchat that I have about another person shows itself within me when I come in physical contact with that person I have had backchat about and within this I realize that I have backchat about some people and not others and when I come into physical contact with a person I have had backchat towards I am aware that they have played a role in my thoughts which makes it strange within me to be around the person I have had backchat towards. I realize that I have backchat about some friends I socialize with and with others I don't and the friends I don't have backchat about don't play that much of a role in my thoughts. I commit myself to notice when and as I have backchat towards a friend who I socialize with and to investigate the meaning of the backchat within me.








Friday, May 24, 2013

Day 179: Alcohol Fueled Anger Part Two


For context read  Day 178: Alcohol Fueled Anger



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of the situation I had with a friend where we were both arguing together and have accepted and allowed this memory to play over and over again in my mind not realizing that this replaying of the memory in my mind creates anger within/as me and not realizing that I am letting this person live rent free in my head - which is backchat.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my backchat that I have about another person shows itself within me when I come in physical contact with that person I have had backchat about and within this I realize that I have backchat about some people and not others and when I come into physical contact with a person I have had backchat towards I am aware that they have played a role in my thoughts which makes it strange within me to be around the person I have had backchat towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I have backchat towards another person.

Memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of being with my ex girlfriend in my apartment and my friend knocking on the door and not answering because I felt I would have to change personas and later realizing that he needed a place to stay because him and his girlfriend broke up and he had no place to stay and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ignoring my friend knocking on the door and the next day him telling me what happened created an emotion of guilt within me that I have held onto for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted my ex girlfriend all to myself and ignoring everyone else when I was around her using the justification of being in a long distance relationship and only seeing her for two days a week as another justification in order to ignore anyone that I didn't want to be around.

Writing cont...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when my friend said "Stop!" when I was knocking on my friend's door and automatically said "Shut the Fuck Up!" - thinking that she was a dumb ass and thinking in my mind "You don't live here and don't know how we interact with each other so shut the fuck up".

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize how alcohol has an effect on how other people act and how I act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the relationship I have with the friend who threatened me is usually based on alcohol and partying and that any friendship which is based on getting fucked up is not a friendship.






Thursday, May 23, 2013

Day 178: Alcohol Fueled Anger

It was sometime last week and I had an interaction with a friend. A bunch of us were chilling and drinking beer outside of my friend's place who lives on the third floor of the apartment complex that I live in. We were grilling out that day. Me and my buddy were trying to get in my friend's apartment where my guitar was at but his door was locked and we all knew he was in there but he wasn't answering because he had a girl in his apartment. I remember doing this same thing to a friend a few years ago. We knocked a few times and then I started to knock really hard and a friend of mine said "Stop It!" in an angry voice. I waited a few minutes and knocked again and she said the same thing and I replied with "Shut the Fuck Up!" in a tone of voice that implied that she was a dumb ass. We kind of argued for a bit and she became very angry and threatened to hit me. This would not have happened if alcohol wasn't involved. I walked away. This girl punched a friend of mine the day before, LOL.



This girl only comes around me when she wants me to buy alcohol or "bum" a beer or a cigarette and what I just said is the backchat that I have when I am around her. There are some times when she knocks on my door and I don't answer and I have the same backchat. The next day my buddy who lives on the third floor and this same girl came to my door and knocked. I peaked through the blinds and we all connected eyes. They were aware that I was there but I didn't answer. The same thing happened 2 or so minutes later. Later a friend came down and we were talking about the situation that happened the night before and this same girl walked in my apartment because it wasn't locked. She asked me why I didn't answer the door and said some kind of lie that I can't remember like that I was busy. My other friend who was there were communicating through facial expressions when she wasn't looking at us. I feared telling her to leave. The thing was that she wasn't even aware of what happened the night before because of the alcohol.

This interaction that we had was the breaking point. I don't need to place myself around people like this and I have accepted and allowed myself to this whole semester. It is not worth being around someone when constant backchat is going on and especially when the alcohol turns someone into a violent person.

I will continue with Self Forgiveness in my next post.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Day 177: School Reflection



Here I am Reflecting on a Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statement:

When and as I see myself using the overwhelming feeling of school to occupy my mind to the point where I don't participate in daily writing and think that not writing for a day or several days is justified because I feel overwhelmed with school - I stop and breathe. I realize that using the justification of being overwhelmed with school for not writing is just an excuse and I realize that writing on a daily basis is a way for me to slow myself down and to get to know myself which would help me understand the overwhelmingness that exists within me. I commit myself to write on a daily basis whether it be in my blog or my personal writings. 

This pattern did not change because I realize that I created my own overwhelming feeling because I did not study just a little bit each day. Instead I put off the big assignments and studying for exams until the last minute. At that point I couldn't do anything but study in a frantic state. So I guess this is a different form of the same justification that I used in the first place. At first I used the justification of school for being overwhelmed but I now realize why I created this overwhelming feeling. Summarizing what I just said - It was too late in the semester for me to stop the overwhelming feeling that I had created because of putting things off. I breathed sometimes during these times but wasn't self aware a lot because of the overwhelming feeling. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Day 176: What to do with Free Time?



Lately my mind has been spinning around and around. Thinking about all kinds of stuff to where I don't know where to start. Being out of school and not having a job has put me in a position of having a lot of free time. I notice I think a lot about when I am not busy with something. So I am not physically as busy as I used to be. This doesn't have to be the case. It is as if I don't know what to do with my time because I have the actual choice of how I can choose to spend my time and the freedom of what I can spend my time on. So I am going to have to direct myself in what I spend my time on until I get a job. It is strange not having something else outside of myself in charge of how I spend my time and what I do with my time.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Day 175: the Power of Namaste! Spirituality for Dummies

I just watched a vlog entitled "2010 the Power of Namaste! Spirituality for Dummies," by Matti Freeman.

Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK3W4o0kqts

Matti gives a great simple example of how things work in the world and how all the religions and spirituality are doing nothing to make this world a better place, a world that is best for all life. The analogy he gives is quite simple and easy to understand. Take someone who has a messy room or apartment (which is me, lol) and there is a thought that comes up of wishing it away. Wishing that the mess would go away. Sitting and imagining the mess going away. What happens here is absolutely nothing at all but going into the mind and wishing for something to happen instead of physically doing anything about it. I have to admit I do this with my living space. So we take this example of a messy living space and then look at the world and how it works. The world and how it works is the same as living in a messy living space. If we physically clean up things in a way that is best for all then things will become better but us humans don't do that.

We would rather sit on our asses and pray, meditate, chant mantras, believe UFOs will come and save us or other bullshit like that. Prayer, meditation and chanting mantras is doing nothing but sitting on your own fucking ass and Doing Nothing! After watching Matti's vlog I realize that I do this shit. I think and 'wish' my living space would become clean and this imagining creates a good feeling within myself. I have been writing about this shit for a while. About how I sit on my ass and imagine something being done instead of actually and physically taking the steps to make it a reality. I have been writing about how I do this shit with homework and daily responsibilities so this vlog hit me in the face.

So if we have the will power to clean up our own living spaces then we absolutely have the power to make this world a place that is best for all life. It is simple as that.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Day 174: Finding a Job



I have been looking for a job because I can't afford to take out another loan because of the debt I am in. There are 4 sources that I can use for employment history although I have worked at over 12 different places since I was 15 years old. The other sources I can't use because I quit without giving a 2 weeks notice and quit because I hated the job. Sometimes I ended up quitting a job because I got hired at another place. One time I was working at a fast food restaurant and on my break I walked outside to smoke like usual and got in my car and went back to my apartment because in the back of my mind I knew I had an interview at a grocery store so I said fuck it and left. I was fed up with how fast food works and decided to just leave on my break. So I just left this girl I was working with alone and we were supposed to close the store. Quite a shitty way to treat someone. There were plenty of other jobs where I just quit. So I cannot use a lot of my sources. When I quit and didn't have money my parents would support me but this has ended. So I fear not being able to have a job to have an income and I fear hating my job that I might get because they have mostly been fast food and grocery stores.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit a job without giving a 2 weeks notice and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of hating the job I was working and accepted and allowed this emotion of hating the jobs I have worked at to lead me to quitting in an impulsive way and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act impulsively without considering the effect it has on others who I worked with and not realizing that I was acting in self interest and in no way treating others in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit a job in an impulsive way based on my emotions of disliking the job and not realizing that when I quit my job at Subway and left the person I was supposed to close with that I placed her in a shitty position of having to close the store by herself and within this I feel guilt within me so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for leaving my coworker alone to close the store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave a person in a shitty position even though I knew what I was doing but allowed my self interest to take over not realizing that this is in no way that is best for all but based on selfishness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get a job and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I get a job during the summer that I will hate it not realizing that this is an opportunity to be able to put my 2 weeks in before I quit working and within this I realize that putting in my 2 weeks before I quit is best for me and best for the job I might be working at as I realize putting in my 2 weeks is best for me and best for all because I will have a reference to put on future applications and have not fucked over the people that I work with.

When and as I see/realize/notice within myself that I feel the need to walk out of a job and quit, I stop and I breathe. I realize that walking out on a job without giving a two weeks notice that I am acting upon my emotions and will later regret what I have done and I realize that walking out of a job without putting in my two weeks is screwing those who I work with and is in no way living in a way that is best for all. I also realize that walking out on a job in the middle of a shift is acting impulsively based on the emotions that I feel I commit myself to put in my two weeks before I quit a job and to not accept or allow my emotions to direct me when and as I feel the need to walk out. I commit myself to investigate when and as I act in impulsive ways.

















Monday, May 13, 2013

Day 173: Motivational Energy

Being pumped up with energy. Sometimes I get motivated by something outside of myself like someone talking about a specific subject and this motivation arises within me. I then imagine myself having changed because of this motivational feeling that is within me at the time. What I have came to realize is that this motivation is all momentary and doesn't last that long. It may last a day or so. Within a few days the motivation that I felt runs out. It runs out because it was based on energy. So this is not sustainable. The energy runs out and can't last.



This is similar to motivational speakers. The motivation is all short term. Someone talks about something that gets you pumped up with energy and when the speech is done your ready to go out into the world and do something about whatever it is the motivational speaker talked about. Eventually this energy runs out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when and as something or someone outside of myself creates a feeling of motivation within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself having changed myself not realizing that this imagined image I have created had to do with the motivation I felt from someone outside of myself and is therefore invalid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imagined myself doing something of responsibility in my mind and believing that I have actually done something instead of realizing that this was all made up in the mind and nothing physically in space and time has been done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to people talk about something that I perceive to be important or of  responsibility to create a feeling of motivation within me where I then believe that I am going to change myself in a way according to what the person was talking about instead of realizing that this motivation is all based on energy that will eventually run out. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize when I am in an energetic state where I am motivated and not realizing that once the motivational energy runs out within me that I won't be motivated anymore and fall back into the same patterns. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am in an energetic state of mind that I can feel the energy in my body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the motivation that I feel from motivational talks is based on energy and has nothing to do with the person talking but my reaction to it so I am therefore responsible for my reaction to others. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that anything that motivates me and puts me in an energetic/motivational state is short term and will not last because the energy will eventually run out. 





Sunday, May 12, 2013

Day 172: End of Semester Reflection

This is a reflection on this past semester. I realized that I was putting off daily studying that needed to be done in order to get good grades at the end of the semester. A little bit after midterms I realized that I was putting things off as in what I needed to study. At the end of the semester I knew I had a lot to catch up on and it made me overwhelmed and worried about passing certain classes. I ended up smoking quite a few times because I wanted to get away from this overwhelming feeling. So I fell back into my old habits and used the excuse/justification of being stressed to smoke. It was like when I was studying for 2 hours at a time I would go "shit, I just wanna get away from this and smoke." and so that is what I did. I realize this would not have happened if I did just a little bit each day with every class that I was taking. Instead I did homework and studying when it was absolutely necessary which put me in a state of stress and led me into following back into old habits.

There was a constant worry about failing a few classes in the past month of school or so. This worry made it difficult to study correctly in a clear state of mind. I realize the more I worried about if I was going to pass the class or do ok in the class the more my mind interrupted the flow and attention of what I was studying. I had thoughts like "I wonder if I am wasting my time on studying this section. What if this part is not going to be on the final?"

When looking back through this semester and most of all the semesters in school I haven't ever really tried that hard. Only with a few classes and only with practicing - the things I have "liked". Almost all classes have bored me and haven't cared to do well. It has never made me feel "good" knowing that I got all A's and B's in school.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was putting off my daily studies until after half the semester was over and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed this putting off of my daily studies to lead to stress and worry where I made studying more difficult than it needed to be because I was in a state of stress and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into my old habits of smoking because I was stressed and believe that smoking would help get rid of the worry and stress within me not realizing that smoking puts a band aid on me that automatically peels off as soon as the buzz is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off my studies until the time where I have to force myself to study for 2 hours or more at a time instead of realizing that I wouldn't be placing myself in a state of stress and worry if I would read/study just a little bit each day for each class that I am taking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of being overwhelmed with stress and worry to justify the reason I should smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was setting myself up for being stressed and worried by not studying just a little bit each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed being stressed or worried to exist as a trigger point which triggers me into wanting to smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do homework really quickly before the day it was due not realizing that I was living in complete self interest and didn't want to be taken out of my comfort zone - doing the things I like doing like practicing, listening to music, watching you tube videos, playing video games and watching TV shows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that studying while in a state of stress/worry makes studying more difficult as the mind interrupts with thoughts like "I wonder if I am wasting my time on studying this section. What if this part is not going to be on the final?"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I put off studying just a little bit each day that the material that I was supposed to study will start to accumulate which will make it more difficult to concentrate on the material provided because worry of wanting to have covered everything will start to come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off studying for a particular class because I don't know if the material I will be reading/studying will be on the exam so is therefore not worth studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since getting good grades doesn't create a "good" feeling within me when I receive them then I should just do the bare minimum in order to get by or pass the class not realizing when I do the bare minimum that I place myself into a state of stress and worry about passing the class with an acceptable grade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my anger towards the education system to justify why I shouldn't try and only put in the minimum effort in towards studying so that pass with an acceptable grade.

When and as I see myself in a state of stress because of putting off my daily assignments - I stop and I breathe. I realize that not studying just a little bit each day will have consequences that I will have to pay for at a later time and that it is more productive to do just a little bit each day. I commit myself to read and study for my classes just a little bit each day.

When and as I see myself using the excuse of being overwhelmed with stress and worry to justify why the reason I should smoke - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am accepting and allowing my emotions to be in control of myself when and as I decide to smoke instead of me directing myself. I commit myself to when and as I have the opportunity to smoke to stop and breathe and realize that if I were to smoke I would be accepting and allowing my emotions to be directing me instead of me directing myself. I commit myself to investigate the emotions that come up within/as me while doing homework.

When and as I see myself doing homework really quickly before the day it is due - I stop and I breathe. I realize that doing homework very quickly before an assignment is done means that have put off doing the homework because of my own self interest. I commit myself to study just a little bit each day instead of cramming before an exam is near and I commit myself to notice when and as I am putting off doing homework because of my own self interest.

When and as I see myself put off studying for a particular class thinking that what I am studying will not be on the exam so it is not worth it - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can't know everything single thing that will be on the exam but that studying just a little bit each day will prepare me more for the exam instead of worrying if what I am studying will be on the exam. I commit myself to go through the material provided for us just a little bit each day and I commit myself to stop and breathe and go on with the material when and as I notice myself thinking that what I am studying won't be on the exam/test given.

When and as I notice myself thinking that studying for a particular class is not worth studying for because I won't learn anything - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am studying so I can get a degree and participate in the world system and within this I realize that graduating is what I have to do in order to have the chance of having a decent job. I commit myself to study just a little bit each day as I realize that doing this will allow me to graduate and to get a job of my own.



















Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Day 171: DIP Lite and Self Education

I am currently at the area of self corrective and self commitment statements of the Dip lite course and have learned some interesting things about myself. This point in the course is about writing the self corrective and self commitment statements on the self forgiveness in the last lesson. It is quite cool. I am noticing certain things about myself like how I put things off until the last minute, do things only when I feel like doing them and how I become overwhelmed because of this. All of the self corrective and self commitment statements in this part of the course have to do with the things I have written about before like putting things off until the last minute, doing things only when I feel like doing them and how this ends up overwhelming me.

I am currently doing the second lesson in the SRA 2 but doing the DIP Lite has been very supportive as well.     The DIP Lite course is set up in a way to get to know yourself. It has helped me become aware of what I accept and allow inside and outside of myself, all the bullshit I participate in and keep on doing. I have only gotten to know myself better by participating in DIP Lite. It is an awesome FREE course and would suggest anyone curious to do it. Nothing bad happens if you sign up and participate in DIP Lite. Nothing but getting to know yourself and what you accept and allow within yourself.

Instead of memorizing knowledge and information like how the Universities and the current Educational System works the DIP Lite teaches one to learn about oneself and how to Physically Apply oneself to change. This shit that one has written out for oneself can actually be applied in the Physical or in everyday life. Learning about Yourself is nothing but a good thing. Well, it can be a bad thing but DIP allows one to see the things within oneself that one doesn't want to see because of fear, guilt, depression, anxiety, etc... You see it within your writings. DIP Lite and the other courses provided by desteni are all about Self Education which is more valuable than anything we learn at the University.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Day 170: Procrastinating Consequences Part Three

Continued from 

Day 168: Procrastinating Consequences





When and as I see myself putting off doing large assignments until a day or two before it is due, I stop and breathe. I realize that putting large projects/assignments off until the last day or two days before it is due puts me in a state of stress and I realize that putting large assignments/projects off until the last minute isn't as productive as doing just a little bit each day. I commit myself to break down large assignments/projects into small steps and to work on these small steps a little each day.

When and as I see myself doing things of responsibility only when I feel like doing it and I see/realize that I am doing this , I stop and breathe. I realize that only doing things when I feel like doing them is a confirmation of my own self interest and also confirms that I am not living in a way that is best for all. I realize that doing things when I feel like doing them have consequences that happen at a later time and not immediately so I will have to deal with these consequences eventually. I commit myself to be aware of when and as I am putting off my responsibilities and studies because of my own self interest and I commit myself to when and as I am aware that I am doing this to stop it, to physically stand up out of my chair if I am at the computer and move to the task/responsibility of studying that keeps coming up in my mind.

When and as I say out loud to myself or think "I should be studying right now" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when and as I say out loud to myself or think to myself "I should be studying right now" that I am living out the procrastination character and I realize/see/understand that living/acting out this character will not have immediate consequences but consequences that I will have to deal with at a later time. I commit myself to notice when and as I am living out the procrastination character and to stop it through first breathing in and out and then move to the task/responsibility that I am procrastinating. 

When and as I notice that I am living out the procrastination character and realize that I will have to deal with the consequences of what I am putting off until a later time - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I notice that I tell myself that I should be doing something it means that I need to physically move to the task/responsibility. I commit myself to move to the task /responsibility that needs to be done when and as I realize/see/understand that I will have to pay for these consequences at a later time. 






Sunday, May 5, 2013

Day 169: Procrastinating Consequences Part Two

Continued from Day 168: Procrastinating Consequences


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that putting things off has a consequence that I won't see immediately but at a later time and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I put things off because of my own self interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off working on my arranging assignment until the last minute and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that putting off my arranging assignment has caused stress within me. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize/see when I act/live out the procrastination character that I will have to deal with the consequences at a later time not realizing that I put things off because of my own self interest and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when and as I am living according to my own self interest and not realizing that I live in my own self interest because I want/desire to keep the good feeling that happens when I live in my own self interested world. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I live/act out the procrastination character that I am doing something like sitting on the internet or playing a video game that causes a comfortable feeling within me that I don't want to leave and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the polarity consequences of wanting/desiring to stay in a positive state of mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or say "I should be working on my studies right now" not realizing that the more that I say or think this phrase the more I create a negative emotion that is connected to the thing that I am putting off.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the more I think I should be doing something and don't do it when and as I have the ability to stand up and physically move to the task the more I connect a negative emotional feeling towards the task which is felt when and as I do the task.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Day 168: Procrastinating Consequences



I have written about this before but now the consequences are hitting me in the face. The consequences of putting things off until the last minute. I have a project with my arranging class that I have put off. I started to work on it a little bit each day once I realized that I was procrastinating but the previous procrastination is hitting me. So I am dealing with this putting things off character. The Procrastination Character.

It is interesting that I don't see or realize that when I think I should be doing something of responsibility I just sit there statically and don't physically move to the task that I know I should be doing. The same thoughts will come up again later. This is the Procrastination Character that I live/act out. So I realize that when I think I should be doing something that I know needs to be done means I am acting/living out the Procrastination Character. This could also be the Postponement Character.

Another thing I realize is that the more I think things like "I should be working on my studies right now" and don't do it a negative energetic emotion is created and the more I think or say "I should be working on my studies right now" the more the energetic emotion is charged. So when I go to actually do the "thing I should be working on" it is a tedious task because I have prepared it to be so through thought, through acting/living out the Procrastination Character. So I have created this shit through thought.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Day 167: Fearing Final Exams

I just got the final exam review for one of my classes today and have a week to study a lot of information. There is a lot of information on this exam and I fear breaking it down and going through it. I fear that there is too much information on the exam and I won't be able to get through it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking down the information on the review sheet for the final exam in my music history class thinking that I don't have enough time to go through it all.

When and as I fear breaking down the information on the review sheet for the final exam in my music history class thinking that I don't have enough time to go through it all - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I haven't given myself the opportunity to walk through breaking the information down on the review sheet into small parts and I realize that I have over a week to walk through breaking the information down into small parts which would allow me to go through all the information in a structured manner and allowing me to go through all the information on the review sheet. I commit myself to go through the review sheet on my music history exam by going through small parts at a time and I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to worry about all the information that has to be went through in order to know what is on the exam by splitting the review sheet into small parts which would allow me to cover everything by the time I have to take the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to look at all the information on the review sheet for the exam in my music history class and then went into an emotional state of being overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to approach studying for this final exam in a way of breaking down everything into small parts not realizing that this would help stop the overwhelming feeling that exists within me.

When and as I look at all the information on the review sheet for the exam in my music history class and then go into an emotional state of being overwhelmed - I stop and I breathe. I realize and accept that I can't know everything on the review sheet for the final exam in my music history class in one study session. I commit myself to focus on small parts of the review exam at a time when and as I am studying.