Sunday, May 12, 2013

Day 172: End of Semester Reflection

This is a reflection on this past semester. I realized that I was putting off daily studying that needed to be done in order to get good grades at the end of the semester. A little bit after midterms I realized that I was putting things off as in what I needed to study. At the end of the semester I knew I had a lot to catch up on and it made me overwhelmed and worried about passing certain classes. I ended up smoking quite a few times because I wanted to get away from this overwhelming feeling. So I fell back into my old habits and used the excuse/justification of being stressed to smoke. It was like when I was studying for 2 hours at a time I would go "shit, I just wanna get away from this and smoke." and so that is what I did. I realize this would not have happened if I did just a little bit each day with every class that I was taking. Instead I did homework and studying when it was absolutely necessary which put me in a state of stress and led me into following back into old habits.

There was a constant worry about failing a few classes in the past month of school or so. This worry made it difficult to study correctly in a clear state of mind. I realize the more I worried about if I was going to pass the class or do ok in the class the more my mind interrupted the flow and attention of what I was studying. I had thoughts like "I wonder if I am wasting my time on studying this section. What if this part is not going to be on the final?"

When looking back through this semester and most of all the semesters in school I haven't ever really tried that hard. Only with a few classes and only with practicing - the things I have "liked". Almost all classes have bored me and haven't cared to do well. It has never made me feel "good" knowing that I got all A's and B's in school.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was putting off my daily studies until after half the semester was over and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed this putting off of my daily studies to lead to stress and worry where I made studying more difficult than it needed to be because I was in a state of stress and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into my old habits of smoking because I was stressed and believe that smoking would help get rid of the worry and stress within me not realizing that smoking puts a band aid on me that automatically peels off as soon as the buzz is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off my studies until the time where I have to force myself to study for 2 hours or more at a time instead of realizing that I wouldn't be placing myself in a state of stress and worry if I would read/study just a little bit each day for each class that I am taking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of being overwhelmed with stress and worry to justify the reason I should smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was setting myself up for being stressed and worried by not studying just a little bit each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed being stressed or worried to exist as a trigger point which triggers me into wanting to smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do homework really quickly before the day it was due not realizing that I was living in complete self interest and didn't want to be taken out of my comfort zone - doing the things I like doing like practicing, listening to music, watching you tube videos, playing video games and watching TV shows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that studying while in a state of stress/worry makes studying more difficult as the mind interrupts with thoughts like "I wonder if I am wasting my time on studying this section. What if this part is not going to be on the final?"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I put off studying just a little bit each day that the material that I was supposed to study will start to accumulate which will make it more difficult to concentrate on the material provided because worry of wanting to have covered everything will start to come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off studying for a particular class because I don't know if the material I will be reading/studying will be on the exam so is therefore not worth studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since getting good grades doesn't create a "good" feeling within me when I receive them then I should just do the bare minimum in order to get by or pass the class not realizing when I do the bare minimum that I place myself into a state of stress and worry about passing the class with an acceptable grade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my anger towards the education system to justify why I shouldn't try and only put in the minimum effort in towards studying so that pass with an acceptable grade.

When and as I see myself in a state of stress because of putting off my daily assignments - I stop and I breathe. I realize that not studying just a little bit each day will have consequences that I will have to pay for at a later time and that it is more productive to do just a little bit each day. I commit myself to read and study for my classes just a little bit each day.

When and as I see myself using the excuse of being overwhelmed with stress and worry to justify why the reason I should smoke - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am accepting and allowing my emotions to be in control of myself when and as I decide to smoke instead of me directing myself. I commit myself to when and as I have the opportunity to smoke to stop and breathe and realize that if I were to smoke I would be accepting and allowing my emotions to be directing me instead of me directing myself. I commit myself to investigate the emotions that come up within/as me while doing homework.

When and as I see myself doing homework really quickly before the day it is due - I stop and I breathe. I realize that doing homework very quickly before an assignment is done means that have put off doing the homework because of my own self interest. I commit myself to study just a little bit each day instead of cramming before an exam is near and I commit myself to notice when and as I am putting off doing homework because of my own self interest.

When and as I see myself put off studying for a particular class thinking that what I am studying will not be on the exam so it is not worth it - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can't know everything single thing that will be on the exam but that studying just a little bit each day will prepare me more for the exam instead of worrying if what I am studying will be on the exam. I commit myself to go through the material provided for us just a little bit each day and I commit myself to stop and breathe and go on with the material when and as I notice myself thinking that what I am studying won't be on the exam/test given.

When and as I notice myself thinking that studying for a particular class is not worth studying for because I won't learn anything - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am studying so I can get a degree and participate in the world system and within this I realize that graduating is what I have to do in order to have the chance of having a decent job. I commit myself to study just a little bit each day as I realize that doing this will allow me to graduate and to get a job of my own.



















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