Friday, May 24, 2013

Day 179: Alcohol Fueled Anger Part Two


For context read  Day 178: Alcohol Fueled Anger



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of the situation I had with a friend where we were both arguing together and have accepted and allowed this memory to play over and over again in my mind not realizing that this replaying of the memory in my mind creates anger within/as me and not realizing that I am letting this person live rent free in my head - which is backchat.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my backchat that I have about another person shows itself within me when I come in physical contact with that person I have had backchat about and within this I realize that I have backchat about some people and not others and when I come into physical contact with a person I have had backchat towards I am aware that they have played a role in my thoughts which makes it strange within me to be around the person I have had backchat towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I have backchat towards another person.

Memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of being with my ex girlfriend in my apartment and my friend knocking on the door and not answering because I felt I would have to change personas and later realizing that he needed a place to stay because him and his girlfriend broke up and he had no place to stay and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ignoring my friend knocking on the door and the next day him telling me what happened created an emotion of guilt within me that I have held onto for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted my ex girlfriend all to myself and ignoring everyone else when I was around her using the justification of being in a long distance relationship and only seeing her for two days a week as another justification in order to ignore anyone that I didn't want to be around.

Writing cont...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when my friend said "Stop!" when I was knocking on my friend's door and automatically said "Shut the Fuck Up!" - thinking that she was a dumb ass and thinking in my mind "You don't live here and don't know how we interact with each other so shut the fuck up".

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize how alcohol has an effect on how other people act and how I act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the relationship I have with the friend who threatened me is usually based on alcohol and partying and that any friendship which is based on getting fucked up is not a friendship.






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