Sunday, May 26, 2013

Day 180: Alcohol Fueled Anger Part Three

For context read day 178 and 179.



When and as I see myself thinking about the memory of a friend and I arguing over whether or not I should be knocking on my friends door and my friend saying "I am getting ready to hit you" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that alcohol played a role in our argument. I realize that I can't just avoid her because I will end up seeing her around the apartment I live in and within this I realize that I have the choice to choose to hang out with her or not. I commit myself to not avoid this friend but to not accept or allow myself to socialize with her.

When and as the memory memory of being with my ex girlfriend in my apartment and my friend knocking on the door and not answering because I felt I would have to change personas and later realizing that he needed a place to stay because him and his girlfriend broke up and he had no place to stay - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this memory represents my self-interest because I wanted the girl who was my girlfriend at that time all to myself and I justified myself not answering the door in my mind because we were in a long distance relationship where I only saw her two or so days a week. I commit myself to investigate what is going on inside me when and as someone knocks on my door and I feel the need to ignore whoever is at my door.

When and as I see myself participating in backchat that is directed at a friend who I socialize with - I stop and I breathe. I realize that my backchat that I have about another person shows itself within me when I come in physical contact with that person I have had backchat about and within this I realize that I have backchat about some people and not others and when I come into physical contact with a person I have had backchat towards I am aware that they have played a role in my thoughts which makes it strange within me to be around the person I have had backchat towards. I realize that I have backchat about some friends I socialize with and with others I don't and the friends I don't have backchat about don't play that much of a role in my thoughts. I commit myself to notice when and as I have backchat towards a friend who I socialize with and to investigate the meaning of the backchat within me.








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