Thursday, June 27, 2013

Day 198: Afraid to ask questions

I am taking an online class right now and have thought of emailing the teacher to make sure I understand everything correctly and somehow convinced myself that it wasn't necessary to email the teacher with my questions. After this, I started looking back on how I act in the classroom and realized that I don't ask questions when I really want to ask questions about something to do with assignments or not understanding the material. I know I should be asking the question but do not because I think others will think that I am stupid or that the question that I ask will be seen as stupid. LOL,

 What I have learned through this process is that when I say things like "I know I should be asking the question but do not because I think others will think that I am stupid or that the question that I ask will be seen as stupid" that I am believing my own thoughts and actually acting on them. In this case not asking questions because I believe others will think that the question I ask is stupid. It is me believing this bullshit not the other people. I have no idea what another person thinks, usually. So this is me acting on my own thoughts.This is a point of fear but it is mainly ego. Because I think others will think my questions are stupid it means that I fear stepping outside of the image that I believe I am. This is so fucked up because it is only me who believes this bullshit, lol.

Anytime I feel the need to ask questions and don't it is only because of Ego. Quite a fucked up thing.

Day 197: Possessed with Excitement while Skateboarding Part Two




Continued from Day 196

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self conscious of my weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think others might think I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around girls who I think are attractive because I think that I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fat person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to look a certain way in front of girls not realizing that this want/desire to look a certain way is based on my idea of how I think I should look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate in any physical activity that would be beneficial for my health.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the activities that are beneficial for me physically that I enjoy and that would support me physically with my health.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "It has been so long" when and as I have the opportunity to exercise my body and have accepted and allowed this thought to influence me into not doing anything, sitting static.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that it takes time for me to learn or re-require a skill that I haven't participated in for a long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excitement of skateboarding at the skate park to take over when and as I was skateboarding and within this not realizing/seeing that I was possessed by a feeling of excitment when and as I sat foot in the park, right when I got there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold onto the memories of skating at the skatepark and the fun I had when I skated everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of smoking weed at the skatepark with a person who I thought was "punk," skating around while passing the joint back and forth while it was dark outside and later going to another skatepark and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/define another person as "punk."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excitement within me to possess me to the point of thinking that I could do the same tricks that I used to be able to do in the past without seeing/realizing/understanding that I trained my body to get to the point of skating on vert day by day and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excitement within my mind to contol me to the point of disregarding/ignoring my physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that any physical activity like skateboarding or other activities are learned through the body and not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I have physically hurt myself before when I was skating with a friend and broke my ankle while skating on the mini ramp and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was trying to impress my friend with my tricks and was also possessed with excitement when I broke my ankle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of skating on the mini ramp at the local skate park with my friend and after bailing getting up and walking and realizing that I couldn't walk and sitting down on my skateboard and using my other foot to get to my car and remembering telling my friend to drive and within this getting angry at my friend for stopping at mcdonald's after this accident thinking that he had no consideration for myself and thinking "My ankle is fucked up, what the fuck!"

When and as I see myself thinking/wondering if others are thinking that I am fat - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am concerned with what females may think about my weight and that I want to be seen as attractive in the eyes of females and sometimes I try and suck in my belly to try and not make myself be seen as fat. I commit myself to when and as I am around a girl who I think is attractive and feel the need to suck in my belly to not accept and allow myself to do so and instead breathe in and breathe out.

When and as I say to myself "It has been so long" thinking it isn't worth it to exercise because "It has been so long" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that any activity like exercising is done breath by breath and day by day and the results of exercising are seen/felt through space and time and not through an automatic want/desire. I commit myself to when and as I say or think to myself "It has been so long" to do exactly what it is that "has been so long."

When and as I see myself going into a state of excitement to the point of thinking that I could do the same tricks that I used to be able to do - I stop and I breathe. I realize that learning physicaly happens through and with the body and not the mind. I commit myself to allow my body to learn and train itself when I am learning a new activity or an activity that I have done in the past and to not accept and allow excitement to possess me into doing more than my body can handle.

When and as I see myself labeling/defining someone as "punk" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that some people may try and portray the image of being seen as a "punk" but I realize that this is still a pre conceived judgement that I place on them and I realize/see/understand that this is separation - me separating myself from the other person based on a label/definition of who I think they are trying to be. I commit myself to notice the labels/definitions that I place on other people and to not accept and allow these judgements to influence how I communicate with others.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Day 196: Possessed with Excitement while Skateboarding

The other day I went to the skate park. It was the 2nd time I have been in over a year. I wanted to get back into some kind of exercise because I don't do much of any physical activity anymore and have become quite self conscious about my weight. Years ago I went to the skate park almost every day because I lived very close to the park and learned how to skate on vert. It took me time to learn how to do that, three months or so of being able to do basic tricks like 50-50's, stalls, and transfers. The other day I got so excited about getting back into skating at the park that I thought I could do the same tricks as when I was really into skating. I dropped in and 50-50 stalled and then a board stall, then a tail stall and then I crashed. When on the ground it hurt but I decided to get back up to skate some more. More time went by and my wrist started hurting and swelling up. I can't move it without pain. I got so excited about skating that I allowed the excitement in me to take over instead of slowly getting back into it.


 The funny thing is this same thing happened a few years ago. I quit skating while going to college and came back to my home town during summer break. I thought I could still skate like I used to after taking 6 or so months off of skating on any vert. LOL, I guess I didn't learn my lesson. I have an MRI tonite to find out if any real damage was done.

I did not allow my body to get used to it and train itself to where it once was and instead allowed the excitement and high that skating on vert can create to possess me.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Day 195: Blaming Education, Teachers, and the System Part Three

Continued from day 194

I commit myself to stop the worry about not having a job by breathing in and out, and to make a plan of what to do and to make sure that I am doing my best with the plan to get a job so I can stop the worry within me as I realize if I make a plan of how to best go about getting a job and walk this day by day then I am doing everything I can making the worry and fear of not having a job completely unnecessary.

I commit myself to be aware of what thoughts, emotions, and reactions I have towards teachers. 

I commit myself to when and as I get the syllabus for a class I am taking to read it all the way through and to write down all due dates for all assignments and exams and to place it on the wall or a place where I can see it every day so that I am aware when assignments and exams are due.

I commit myself to take responsibility for knowing the due dates for assignments and exams as I realize/see/understand that if I take responsibility and am aware of what is required of me to do for the class then I have no reason to make excuses/justifications for why I didn't take responsibility or do well in the class or having thoughts of why I hate the teacher for that class.

I commit myself to not accept and allow the problems of the educational system to create emotions within me and when and as I do see myself participating in emotions/thoughts/reactions about the educational system I stop myself and breathe in and out - I realize that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts/emotions interfere with my education and passing classes because of my anger towards it so, within this I commit myself to not accept and allow my emotions/thoughts/reactions towards a teacher or the educational system to influence me in graduating

Day 194: Blaming Education, Teachers and the System

 Continued from day 193

"Ever since this semester has ended I have been looking for a job. Finally my first day is tomorrow. I am also taking a summer class this semester and may have to drop it because I missed the first exam. I have been so pre occupied with trying to get a job that I wasn't aware of the dates the exams were. This online class started a day late because the teacher didn't post the assignments, documents, information in time and I notice that when I saw that I missed the first exam that this is the thought that came up. How he missed putting the information online for the first day. So I started to place my anger on him because I didn't take responsibility for knowing the dates each exam was due. Oh how this pissed me off. Also, when I found out I was a day late for taking the exam I started to blame the system and was so pissed off. I thought "Everything in this world is full of shit" and other shit like that."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about getting a job for the summer to the point where it was occupying my mind many times throughout the day and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this worry to occupy my mind to the point where I didn't take responsibility for being aware of the due dates for this online class I was taking and blamed the job search instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw that the teacher posted on blackboard, apologizing for not starting the class on the correct date to react with a feeling of happiness because I didn't have to study on the starting date of the class and thinking that college teachers can get away with anything and that the system is full of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of how the teacher didn't post the material for the class until the second day when and as I found out that I missed the first exam instead of realizing that I didn't take responsibility for making sure I knew the dates of when all assignments and exams were due and within this trying to find a way to justify this irresponsibility by looking for something to pin on the teacher which was how he started the class on the 2nd day instead of the first day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for missing the first exam and thinking, "It is only one day late. This is an online class. WTF!" causing me to participate within an emotional experience of anger where I could feel it in my body and the energy it created, starting with an emotion of sadness and ended up going into an emotion of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger to turn into blame - blaming the education system, the teacher of this class, and the system. Triggering even more anger within me instead of realizing that I was blaming things outside of myself so that missing my first exam could be justified.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that today's educational system and the way the average teacher educates students is a problem but I realize that this is what I have to work with so I have to work with the system in order to graduate and be in it and I realize that bitching about it and blaming others isn't going to change anything and it only causes anger within/as me.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Day 193: Blaming Education, Teachers and the System

Ever since this semester has ended I have been looking for a job. Finally my first day is tomorrow. I am also taking a summer class this semester and may have to drop it because I missed the first exam. I have been so pre occupied with trying to get a job that I wasn't aware of the dates the exams were. This online class started a day late because the teacher didn't post the assignments, documents, information in time and I notice that when I saw that I missed the first exam that this is the thought that came up. How he missed putting the information online for the first day. So I started to place my anger on him because I didn't take responsibility for knowing the dates each exam was due. Oh how this pissed me off. Also, when I found out I was a day late for taking the exam I started to blame the system and was so pissed off. I thought "Everything in this world is full of shit" and other shit like that.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Day 192: Competition within the Journey to Life Part Three

Continued from days 190 and 191

Days 190 and 191 is in italics for context. 




Day 190

"There has been a lot of points that I have been suppressing for a while and they keep coming up within me. I realize that what I suppress will come back over and over and over again until I investigate the point that I am suppressing. It is a never ending cycle. Throughout this process and even before I started this process I have noticed that what I suppress doesn't go away. It will keep coming up until I deal with it. The point or area of myself that I am going to look at here is writing.

Sometimes when I read the writings of others I will notice that someone is on day 214, 300, 410 or whatever number. I react to those who have written longer than I have. I go into judgement of myself and of others based on my observation of the numbers of days being written. I judge myself as less than and inferior to those who have written longer than I have. Within this judgement of myself and others I realize that it is me in my own mind competing to have the higher number of days written. This is rather silly. This shows me that my starting point on a lot of my blog posts has been that "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone else." This is missing the point of self writing. I realize by looking through my past blog posts that a lot of them were unnecessary because I felt that I had to write in order to keep up with others who are participating in the Journey to Life. This shows me how competitive I am.

Another thing I notice is that when I get done writing a blog, the self writing, I sit there and judge the length of how long the blog looks. I judge myself not on the validity of what I am writing about but about the length of the blog post. Then I will try and add more shit when this happens. When this happens I am not freely writing myself out because I sit there and think about what I can write about so that the post will look longer, LOL! Fucking competitive bullshit here!

I will continue with Self Forgiveness next time.

Day 191

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that what I suppress doesn't just go away. It may temporarily go away but what I suppress will eventually show itself to me again which is a never ending cycle that won't stop until I explore/investigate and understand why it is exactly I am suppressing a certain point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I see that someone has written longer than me or has more days written than I have and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as better than me placing myself in moment of participating in an emotional experience of inferiority which is me judging myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" not realizing that this is a starting point of competition which defeats the whole purpose of why I write myself out and forgive myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the thought "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" through writing not realizing that I am writing based on a mental idea of competition that exists only in my mind as I realize that acting on this thought means the writing is not self supportive because the starting point was to 'keep up with others' instead of supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in jealousy when I see that someone has written more days than I have in the Journey to Life and have accepted and allowed myself to play catch up and have written many blog posts from the starting point of playing catch up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a blog post from the starting point of wanting/desiring it to be more than a paragraph or two because I have read others blogs that are longer and believe that I need to write the same amount and length as they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more to my blog post when I am done writing because I think that it isn't long enough instead of realizing that when and as I write with the want/desire to add more to the blog post that I am writing that I have to stop and think about what else I can add so that it seems longer and within this not realizing that this is me not freely expressing myself but an idea of how I want to be seen as through the eyes of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder/imagine/think of what other people think of my blog posts and have accepted and allowed myself to write with this thought in the back of my head.

Self Commitments next time"

Day 192

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting to suppress a point by ignoring it to investigate the point thoroughly and write it out as I realize that investigating what I am suppressing will help to stop these never ending cycles of self suppression. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I am reading someone else's Journey to Life blog and react to the number of days they have written. 

I commit myself to stop myself and breathe when and as I see myself thinking "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" and to write for myself as self support and I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to write when the thought "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" and to do something else for a while and come back to writing when and as I am clear/empty of thoughts and to allow my writing to flow as it will.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to write when and as I feel that I need to play catch up because I skipped a day or two or am not living up to my self created idea of how I want to be seen by others and to write when and as I am clear/empty of thoughts and if I am not clear/empty of thoughts to write out what it is that is occupying my mind. 

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to add on extra parts on a blog post because I believe what I have written is too short and I commit myself to stop myself by breathing in and out when and as I notice myself comparing the length of my writings to others writings. 

I commit myself to when and as I am writing to express me as me in who/what I am in that specific moment instead of trying to paint a prettier picture of myself and how I want to be perceived by others. 

I commit myself to write myself out for the purpose of supporting myself and to share my process with others and I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to paint a prettier picture of who I am and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as I realize that this is ego based and not self honest. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Day 191: Competition within the Journey to Life Part Two

Continued from Day 190.

Day 190

"There has been a lot of points that I have been suppressing for a while and they keep coming up within me. I realize that what I suppress will come back over and over and over again until I investigate the point that I am suppressing. It is a never ending cycle. Throughout this process and even before I started this process I have noticed that what I suppress doesn't go away. It will keep coming up until I deal with it. The point or area of myself that I am going to look at here is writing.

Sometimes when I read the writings of others I will notice that someone is on day 214, 300, 410 or whatever number. I react to those who have written longer than I have. I go into judgement of myself and of others based on my observation of the numbers of days being written. I judge myself as less than and inferior to those who have written longer than I have. Within this judgement of myself and others I realize that it is me in my own mind competing to have the higher number of days written. This is rather silly. This shows me that my starting point on a lot of my blog posts has been that "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone else." This is missing the point of self writing. I realize by looking through my past blog posts that a lot of them were unnecessary because I felt that I had to write in order to keep up with others who are participating in the Journey to Life. This shows me how competitive I am.

Another thing I notice is that when I get done writing a blog, the self writing, I sit there and judge the length of how long the blog looks. I judge myself not on the validity of what I am writing about but about the length of the blog post. Then I will try and add more shit when this happens. When this happens I am not freely writing myself out because I sit there and think about what I can write about so that the post will look longer, LOL! Fucking competitive bullshit here!

I will continue with Self Forgiveness next time."



Day 191

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that what I suppress doesn't just go away. It may temporarily go away but what I suppress will eventually show itself to me again which is a never ending cycle that won't stop until I explore/investigate and understand why it is exactly I am suppressing a certain point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I see that someone has written longer than me or has more days written than I have and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as better than me placing myself in moment of participating in an emotional experience of inferiority which is me judging myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" not realizing that this is a starting point of competition which defeats the whole purpose of why I write myself out and forgive myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the thought "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" through writing not realizing that I am writing based on a mental idea of competition that exists only in my mind as I realize that acting on this thought means the writing is not self supportive because the starting point was to 'keep up with others' instead of supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in jealousy when I see that someone has written more days than I have in the Journey to Life and have accepted and allowed myself to play catch up and have written many blog posts from the starting point of playing catch up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a blog post from the starting point of wanting/desiring it to be more than a paragraph or two because I have read others blogs that are longer and believe that I need to write the same amount and length as they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more to my blog post when I am done writing because I think that it isn't long enough instead of realizing that when and as I write with the want/desire to add more to the blog post that I am writing that I have to stop and think about what else I can add so that it seems longer and within this not realizing that this is me not freely expressing myself but an idea of how I want to be seen as through the eyes of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder/imagine/think of what other people think of my blog posts and have accepted and allowed myself to write with this thought in the back of my head.

Self Commitments next time






Friday, June 14, 2013

Day 190: Competition within the Journey to Life


There has been a lot of points that I have been suppressing for a while and they keep coming up within me. I realize that what I suppress will come back over and over and over again until I investigate the point that I am suppressing. It is a never ending cycle. Throughout this process and even before I started this process I have noticed that what I suppress doesn't go away. It will keep coming up until I deal with it. The point or area of myself that I am going to look at here is writing.

Sometimes when I read the writings of others I will notice that someone is on day 214, 300, 410 or whatever number. I react to those who have written longer than I have. I go into judgement of myself and of others based on my observation of the numbers of days being written. I judge myself as less than and inferior to those who have written longer than I have. Within this judgement of myself and others I realize that it is me in my own mind competing to have the higher number of days written. This is rather silly. This shows me that my starting point on a lot of my blog posts has been that "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone else." This is missing the point of self writing. I realize by looking through my past blog posts that a lot of them were unnecessary because I felt that I had to write in order to keep up with others who are participating in the Journey to Life. This shows me how competitive I am.

Another thing I notice is that when I get done writing a blog, the self writing, I sit there and judge the length of how long the blog looks. I judge myself not on the validity of what I am writing about but about the length of the blog post. Then I will try and add more shit when this happens. When this happens I am not freely writing myself out because I sit there and think about what I can write about so that the post will look longer, LOL! Fucking competitive bullshit here!

I will continue with Self Forgiveness next time.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Day 189: Biotin and Hair Growth Part Three

The italics is from days 187 and 188. Continuing with Self Commitments in the times font.

 "So here again I am going through some past memories. When I was younger, freshman and sophomore year I wanted to grow my hair out. I thought that I would look cool if I had long hair and even tried to find ways of making it grow quicker than it would naturally. I remember going to a store where vitamins and other type of things were sold to help with the body. The body image. The protein shakes or other shit like that. I am not sure exactly what the purpose of this store was but they sold a lot of vitamins and health type things. Anyway, I wanted my hair to grow long and asked the person who was working if he knew of anything that would make hair grow quicker. He suggested biotin so I bought a bottle. I wanted my hair to be long so I could portray a certain type of image that I thought others would see as cool looking. It is no different than a woman using make up and fixing hair and that type of shit. I wanted my hair to grow quickly. I imagined myself with long hair and wanted/desired myself to have that image that I created. It is interesting because hair doesn't grow automatically but that is what I wanted it to do. I got sick of my hair not growing as quickly as I wanted it too so I ended up cutting it off very short like. I didn't have the patience to let it grow. Again, I was trying to portray an image of what I saw as cool. It is just like fashion. In my mind I wanted to be seen as a cool looking person, lol. I knew that if I cut it off short that these thoughts would stop and so that is what I did because I couldn't take it anymore. It is interesting because before coming across desteni I did the same thing as what many destonians have done and I as well have done which is shave the hair off. I couldn't stand living day by day and wanting to have a particular image of myself that I can't have.

When I visit my parents something similar happens. They moved to a new area and have planted a lot of trees. They are still very small but I imagine in my mind what they will look like years from now when they will be matured. I think "this area will look so cool in 10 to 20 years." I don't even see them from the living presence that they are but as a mental idea of how they might look 10 to 20 years from now.

This is all a futuristic mental projection.

I will continue with Self Forgiveness in my next post." 




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to grow my hair out during my beginning years of high school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for ways to make my hair grow faster during my beginning years of high school and within this looking for a way to grow my hair faster to go to a health type of store, that sold vitamins and other things of this nature, and ask the guy working if he knew of anything that would help my hair grow quickly and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed his suggestion of taking biotin to influence me into buying a bottle of it so my hair would grow quicker than it would naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to grow my hair out long so that I could look cool in the eyes of others not realizing that this is a made up image in my mind of what I think looks cool in my mind and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this image of how I thought I would look with long hair is self created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would look with long hair and to try and get my hair to grow long as quickly as I could by using biotin.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that anything that grows whether it be hair, a plant, an animal, or whatever grows in space and time and that my desire for wanting my hair to be long in order to look "cool" showed me my impatience and my want/desire for something to happen automatically instead of walking it in space and time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cut my hair short because I couldn't stand how much I imagined myself with long hair and within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that cutting my hair short during this time was very supportive for me because when I cut my hair short all the thoughts of desiring/wanting for my hair to be long went away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to look cool in the eyes of other people not realizing that my desire/want of having my hair long is only but a mental idea of what I think looks cool and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to grow my hair out long then more people would like me because I look cool according to my mental idea of what looking cool looks like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand how supportive shaving the hair is. Supportive by showing myself the beauty construct that is within/as me as I realize that once I shaved my hair I wondered what people thought about me when they saw me meaning that I have a beauty system demon within/as me otherwise, this paranoid thinking of "I wonder what they think about me with a bald head" would not have came up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder/imagine what the young trees in my parents yard will look like in the future instead of seeing them for what they are in the very moment I look at them therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I wonder what these small trees will look like 10 to 20 years from now."

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that wondering/thinking of what these young trees will look like in the future is of the mind and is not me living within and as the breath here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient and imagine/wonder how things will be like once they have grown whether it be a tree or hair not realizing that this is just an example of my mind consciousness system at play. "
 

Day 189 starts Here:

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to act on the want/desire of growing my hair out for the purpose of looking cool as I see, realize and understand that this is part of the beauty system that exists within/as me. 

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to use vitamins/products for the purpose of changing how I look on the outside and instead investigate why it is that I want/desire to change how I look on the outside and to get to the bottom of why it is that I desire to change how I look.

I commit myself to stop the imagining/wondering/thinking of how I could look with a different physical appearance like my hair through, breathing in and breathing out and within this I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to use vitamins or products for the purpose of changing how I look on the outside as I realize that this is part of the beauty system that exists within/as me. 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that whatever it is in this reality that grows, grows through space and time and not through the mind by thinking/wondering/imagining it to. 

I commit myself to support myself through keeping my hair short as I realize at this moment keeping my hair short supports me within stopping the beauty system construct that exists within/as me. 

I commit myself to live me as me and to not accept and allow myself to change how I look according to my mind and the desire/want of how I want to be perceived by others and within this when and as I see myself thinking/wondering what clothes I should wear I stop and I breathe as I realize that thinking/wondering of what I should wear when I am around specific people means that my starting point is of the mind and is a direct confirmation of the mind consciousness system that exists within/as me and I realize that acting according to the mind consciousness system that exists within/as me is not what is best for all and that it is based on only me and my own idea of how I want/desire myself to look. 

I commit myself to when and as I am looking at a young plant or tree and imagine/think/wonder how it will look in the future to stop myself through the physical movement of clapping my hands and then to take an in breath and then an out breath. 

I commit myself to stop all imagining/thinking/wondering of what I will be like or another living thing will be like in the future and instead to see myself and other living beings as I am and other life as they are through each moment of breath.























Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Day 188: Biotin and Hair Growth Part Two



This post is continued from what I wrote in my previous post here below.

"So here again I am going through some past memories. When I was younger, freshman and sophomore year I wanted to grow my hair out. I thought that I would look cool if I had long hair and even tried to find ways of making it grow quicker than it would naturally. I remember going to a store where vitamins and other type of things were sold to help with the body. The body image. The protein shakes or other shit like that. I am not sure exactly what the purpose of this store was but they sold a lot of vitamins and health type things. Anyway, I wanted my hair to grow long and asked the person who was working if he knew of anything that would make hair grow quicker. He suggested biotin so I bought a bottle. I wanted my hair to be long so I could portray a certain type of image that I thought others would see as cool looking. It is no different than a woman using make up and fixing hair and that type of shit. I wanted my hair to grow quickly. I imagined myself with long hair and wanted/desired myself to have that image that I created. It is interesting because hair doesn't grow automatically but that is what I wanted it to do. I got sick of my hair not growing as quickly as I wanted it too so I ended up cutting it off very short like. I didn't have the patience to let it grow. Again, I was trying to portray an image of what I saw as cool. It is just like fashion. In my mind I wanted to be seen as a cool looking person, lol. I knew that if I cut it off short that these thoughts would stop and so that is what I did because I couldn't take it anymore. It is interesting because before coming across desteni I did the same thing as what many destonians have done and I as well have done which is shave the hair off. I couldn't stand living day by day and wanting to have a particular image of myself that I can't have.

When I visit my parents something similar happens. They moved to a new area and have planted a lot of trees. They are still very small but I imagine in my mind what they will look like years from now when they will be matured. I think "this area will look so cool in 10 to 20 years." I don't even see them from the living presence that they are but as a mental idea of how they might look 10 to 20 years from now.

This is all a futuristic mental projection.

I will continue with Self Forgiveness in my next post."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to grow my hair out during my beginning years of high school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for ways to make my hair grow faster during my beginning years of high school and within this looking for a way to grow my hair faster to go to a health type of store, that sold vitamins and other things of this nature, and ask the guy working if he knew of anything that would help my hair grow quickly and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed his suggestion of taking biotin to influence me into buying a bottle of it so my hair would grow quicker than it would naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to grow my hair out long so that I could look cool in the eyes of others not realizing that this is a made up image in my mind of what I think looks cool in my mind and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this image of how I thought I would look with long hair is self created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would look with long hair and to try and get my hair to grow long as quickly as I could by using biotin.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that anything that grows whether it be hair, a plant, an animal, or whatever grows in space and time and that my desire for wanting my hair to be long in order to look "cool" showed me my impatience and my want/desire for something to happen automatically instead of walking it in space and time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cut my hair short because I couldn't stand how much I imagined myself with long hair and within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that cutting my hair short during this time was very supportive for me because when I cut my hair short all the thoughts of desiring/wanting for my hair to be long went away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to look cool in the eyes of other people not realizing that my desire/want of having my hair long is only but a mental idea of what I think looks cool and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to grow my hair out long then more people would like me because I look cool according to my mental idea of what looking cool looks like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand how supportive shaving the hair is. Supportive by showing myself the beauty construct that is within/as me as I realize that once I shaved my hair I wondered what people thought about me when they saw me meaning that I have a beauty system demon within/as me otherwise, this paranoid thinking of "I wonder what they think about me with a bald head" would not have came up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder/imagine what the young trees in my parents yard will look like in the future instead of seeing them for what they are in the very moment I look at them therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I wonder what these small trees will look like 10 to 20 years from now."

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that wondering/thinking of what these young trees will look like in the future is of the mind and is not me living within and as the breath here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient and imagine/wonder how things will be like once they have grown whether it be a tree or hair not realizing that this is just an example of my mind consciousness system at play.

Will continue with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements in my next post.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Day 187: Biotin and Hair Growth


So here again I am going through some past memories. When I was younger, freshman and sophomore year I wanted to grow my hair out. I thought that I would look cool if I had long hair and even tried to find ways of making it grow quicker than it would naturally. I remember going to a store where vitamins and other type of things were sold to help with the body. The body image. The protein shakes or other shit like that. I am not sure exactly what the purpose of this store was but they sold a lot of vitamins and health type things. Anyway, I wanted my hair to grow long and asked the person who was working if he knew of anything that would make hair grow quicker. He suggested biotin so I bought a bottle. I wanted my hair to be long so I could portray a certain type of image that I thought others would see as cool looking. It is no different than a woman using make up and fixing hair and that type of shit. I wanted my hair to grow quickly. I imagined myself with long hair and wanted/desired myself to have that image that I created. It is interesting because hair doesn't grow automatically but that is what I wanted it to do. I got sick of my hair not growing as quickly as I wanted it too so I ended up cutting it off very short like. I didn't have the patience to let it grow. Again, I was trying to portray an image of what I saw as cool. It is just like fashion. In my mind I wanted to be seen as a cool looking person, lol. I knew that if I cut it off short that these thoughts would stop and so that is what I did because I couldn't take it anymore. It is interesting because before coming across desteni I did the same thing as what many destonians have done and I as well have done which is shave the hair off. I couldn't stand living day by day and wanting to have a particular image of myself that I can't have.

When I visit my parents something similar happens. They moved to a new area and have planted a lot of trees. They are still very small but I imagine in my mind what they will look like years from now when they will be matured. I think "this area will look so cool in 10 to 20 years." I don't even see them from the living presence that they are but as a mental idea of how they might look 10 to 20 years from now.

This is all a futuristic mental projection.

I will continue with Self Forgiveness in my next post. 



Monday, June 10, 2013

Day 186: Babes in Toyland Part Two

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and sitting in my room playing a song over and over again with the want/desire of my sister's boyfriend to walk in the house and hear the song I was playing and within this thinking that if he heard the song I was playing then he would think I was cool and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I thought he was cool because he listened to rock music and since he liked rock music I wanted to impress him with the song that I wanted him to hear.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when my sister's boyfriend came in and he didn't notice the song I was playing to try and impress him with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I got my license and started driving to play music with the desire/want of getting attention from others and thinking that if others would hear the music I was playing while waiting for the parking lot to clear out they would think I was a cool person.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while sitting at a red light to turn my music up in my car with the desire/want of being noticed by others walking by not realizing that I am trying to get attention from others and think they will think I am cool by hearing the music that is playing in my car.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if other people hear the music I am listening to while driving in town that I will be seen as a "cool" dude.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my taste in music is what I like based on the feelings and emotions it triggers within me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if people hear my taste in music they will automatically like it not realizing that I have programmed myself to like the taste of music that I like through emotions, feelings, and exposure to it which is programming and another person's taste in music is created in the same way so expecting another person to like my taste in music doesn't make sense because we have programmed ourselves in very specific/individualistic ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger and annoyance when and as I hear a car drive by that is playing rap music with loud bass so that everyone can hear it not realizing that I do the same thing by turning up my music when I am at stop lights with my windows down trying to be noticed and try and get attention from others and within this I see, realize and understand that my judgement of those who drive around with loud bass going on is just a reflection of me and how I try to get other people to notice what type of music that I am listening to while I am driving in town or am sitting at a stop light.

When and as I see myself sitting at a red light and want/desire to turn my music up in my car with the intent of getting attention from others - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want to be seen as cool with blaring my music loud while driving in town or sitting at a stop light; wanting to get attention. I commit myself to when and as the desire of turning up my music while driving in town or while sitting at a red stop light to not accept or allow myself to turn up the volume and to only listen to the music while in my car at a volume that is comfortable for me.

When and as I am driving in town or at a red stop light and notice myself thinking others will think that I am cool if they only knew what kind of music I am listening to - I stop and I breathe. I realize taste in certain styles/genres of music is subjective because it is based on the listener's exposure to that specific genre/style, and it is also based on feelings and emotions. I commit myself to become self aware of when I have thoughts of thinking that others will think that I am cool if they could hear what I am listening to and to not accept or allow myself to act on these thoughts because I realize it is me acting on trying to get attention from others and is based on the want/desire to be seen as more than others; an act of being seen as important.

When and as I see myself participating in an emotion of anger and/or annoyance when I hear a car drive by that is playing rap music with loud bass - I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I had the same sound system as them that I would most likely be doing the same thing and I realize that the want/desire of wanting others to look at me while I am driving because I am playing music loud is a point of ego and trying to be seen as an important/cool person while this is in no way living in a way that is best for all or living within/as equality because of the desire/want to be heard; this is a very forceful way to try and get attention from others. I commit myself to notice when and as anger or annoyance comes up within me when I hear or see a car drive by that has loud bass playing and to realize that I have done the same thing so my judgement is not valid because I am actually judging myself by judging the person who is driving and playing the loud bass while driving.




Sunday, June 9, 2013

Day 185: Babes in Toyland


Lately I have noticed that I have much to write about in order to properly disect myself in all aspects of who and what I have become. So I am gonna start here with a memory I had when I was younger. I was in the 4th or 5th grade and I had this cd of many artists playing on it. I kept listening to it over and over again. My sister was waiting for her boyfriend to come over and I wanted to impress him with this song that I liked so I kept playing it on repeat over and over again. I wanted him to hear the song I was playing when he came in the house. I wanted him to think I was cool because I was playing this song. I waited for him to come over and it took a long time so I played the song on repeat for quite a while. He eventually came but didn't care that I was playing music loud, lol. I even remember the band. It was by this all girl band called "Babes in Toyland." I paused here a minute and looked up the song on youtube and listened to it. LOL.

When I first got my license I would play music loud in my car, wanting people to think that the music I was playing was cool. I thought it was cool so I thought they would think I was cool for listening to it, lol. I wanted attention from others by playing the music loud in my car. The funny thing is that I get annoyed when I see a car driving by with loud rap music on with the bass all heavy, shit like that but I was and still do sometimes play my music loud while driving because of the want/desire of getting attention from others.

Will continue with Self-Forgiveness in my next post. 



Saturday, June 8, 2013

Day 184: Job Jitters Part Two

Continued from  Day 183: Job Jitters



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself while driving to an interview to imagine how things may go; if they will go good or bad, thinking if the manager will like me and think that I am cool or not like me and think I am weird, and thinking of getting the job or not getting the job 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while sitting in my car and waiting for the interview to start to wonder if I will get a job not realizing that this wondering is an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit in my car thinking about how the interview could go not realizing that while I was sitting in my car and waiting for the interview to start I was in a zombie like state of mind and was not aware that I am here in the physical breathing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will be in debt for my whole life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in debt. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weird because I stumbled over my words and felt nervous and was not confident with myself in the interview I had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a weak person because I perceived that I wasn't confident in myself in the interview. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the question "So, tell me about yourself" in a state of fear not realizing that all the thoughts and images I have made up about how the interview could go led up to me reacting in a nervous way because I imagined how things in the interview could go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid because I stumbled over my words in the interview I had.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that feeling stupid for stumbling over my words while in the interview means that I care/cared what the interviewer thought about me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking/imagining/wondering how a job interview will go is based on polarity because I 'desire/want' things to go well and I 'fear' that things will not go well.

When and as I see myself wondering/thinking/imagining how a job interview may go; thinking if it may go well or not - I stop and I breathe. I realize that thinking/wondering/imagining how a job interview may go does nothing but cause nervousness within me because I 'desire/want' the interview to go well which creates fear within me because I 'don't want' the interview to go bad thus creating a mental polarity point of view. I commit myself to stop myself when and as I notice myself wondering/thinking/imagining how a job interview may go by breathing in and out and then physically switch my attention to what is in my immediate environment. I realize that stopping myself when wondering/thinking/imagining how something may go will be met with resistance and that the way to stop this pattern is to breathe when and as I notice that I am thinking/wondering/imagining how a job interview or anything else may go - stopping the zombie like wondering/thinking/imagining state of mind.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Day 183: Job Jitters

I have moved back to my home town for the summer because I couldn't find any jobs in the town I go to school at. Still have no job although I had an interview yesterday. While driving to the interview I began thinking about the interview. Thinking if it would go good or bad, if the manager would like me or if he wouldn't like me, if I would get the job or not, etc... I got there early and sat in my car waiting for the interview. While waiting I became nervous. When I finally got into the interview I was nervous. I stumbled over my words and wasn't very confident with myself. Eventually this feeling went away and I became comfortable.



I think it was the very first question that he asked that made me more nervous than I already was. It was "So, tell me about yourself." I told him some of my job experience and my education history. This is when I stumbled with my words. I felt stupid because I was stumbling through my words.

It is all of this thinking that led to nervousness, these pre conceived ideas.