Monday, June 10, 2013

Day 186: Babes in Toyland Part Two

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and sitting in my room playing a song over and over again with the want/desire of my sister's boyfriend to walk in the house and hear the song I was playing and within this thinking that if he heard the song I was playing then he would think I was cool and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I thought he was cool because he listened to rock music and since he liked rock music I wanted to impress him with the song that I wanted him to hear.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when my sister's boyfriend came in and he didn't notice the song I was playing to try and impress him with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I got my license and started driving to play music with the desire/want of getting attention from others and thinking that if others would hear the music I was playing while waiting for the parking lot to clear out they would think I was a cool person.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while sitting at a red light to turn my music up in my car with the desire/want of being noticed by others walking by not realizing that I am trying to get attention from others and think they will think I am cool by hearing the music that is playing in my car.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if other people hear the music I am listening to while driving in town that I will be seen as a "cool" dude.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my taste in music is what I like based on the feelings and emotions it triggers within me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if people hear my taste in music they will automatically like it not realizing that I have programmed myself to like the taste of music that I like through emotions, feelings, and exposure to it which is programming and another person's taste in music is created in the same way so expecting another person to like my taste in music doesn't make sense because we have programmed ourselves in very specific/individualistic ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger and annoyance when and as I hear a car drive by that is playing rap music with loud bass so that everyone can hear it not realizing that I do the same thing by turning up my music when I am at stop lights with my windows down trying to be noticed and try and get attention from others and within this I see, realize and understand that my judgement of those who drive around with loud bass going on is just a reflection of me and how I try to get other people to notice what type of music that I am listening to while I am driving in town or am sitting at a stop light.

When and as I see myself sitting at a red light and want/desire to turn my music up in my car with the intent of getting attention from others - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I want to be seen as cool with blaring my music loud while driving in town or sitting at a stop light; wanting to get attention. I commit myself to when and as the desire of turning up my music while driving in town or while sitting at a red stop light to not accept or allow myself to turn up the volume and to only listen to the music while in my car at a volume that is comfortable for me.

When and as I am driving in town or at a red stop light and notice myself thinking others will think that I am cool if they only knew what kind of music I am listening to - I stop and I breathe. I realize taste in certain styles/genres of music is subjective because it is based on the listener's exposure to that specific genre/style, and it is also based on feelings and emotions. I commit myself to become self aware of when I have thoughts of thinking that others will think that I am cool if they could hear what I am listening to and to not accept or allow myself to act on these thoughts because I realize it is me acting on trying to get attention from others and is based on the want/desire to be seen as more than others; an act of being seen as important.

When and as I see myself participating in an emotion of anger and/or annoyance when I hear a car drive by that is playing rap music with loud bass - I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I had the same sound system as them that I would most likely be doing the same thing and I realize that the want/desire of wanting others to look at me while I am driving because I am playing music loud is a point of ego and trying to be seen as an important/cool person while this is in no way living in a way that is best for all or living within/as equality because of the desire/want to be heard; this is a very forceful way to try and get attention from others. I commit myself to notice when and as anger or annoyance comes up within me when I hear or see a car drive by that has loud bass playing and to realize that I have done the same thing so my judgement is not valid because I am actually judging myself by judging the person who is driving and playing the loud bass while driving.




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