Friday, June 14, 2013

Day 190: Competition within the Journey to Life

There has been a lot of points that I have been suppressing for a while and they keep coming up within me. I realize that what I suppress will come back over and over and over again until I investigate the point that I am suppressing. It is a never ending cycle. Throughout this process and even before I started this process I have noticed that what I suppress doesn't go away. It will keep coming up until I deal with it. The point or area of myself that I am going to look at here is writing.

Sometimes when I read the writings of others I will notice that someone is on day 214, 300, 410 or whatever number. I react to those who have written longer than I have. I go into judgement of myself and of others based on my observation of the numbers of days being written. I judge myself as less than and inferior to those who have written longer than I have. Within this judgement of myself and others I realize that it is me in my own mind competing to have the higher number of days written. This is rather silly. This shows me that my starting point on a lot of my blog posts has been that "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone else." This is missing the point of self writing. I realize by looking through my past blog posts that a lot of them were unnecessary because I felt that I had to write in order to keep up with others who are participating in the Journey to Life. This shows me how competitive I am.

Another thing I notice is that when I get done writing a blog, the self writing, I sit there and judge the length of how long the blog looks. I judge myself not on the validity of what I am writing about but about the length of the blog post. Then I will try and add more shit when this happens. When this happens I am not freely writing myself out because I sit there and think about what I can write about so that the post will look longer, LOL! Fucking competitive bullshit here!

I will continue with Self Forgiveness next time.

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