Continued from Day 190.
"There has been a lot of points that I have been suppressing for a
while and they keep coming up within me. I realize that what I suppress
will come back over and over and over again until I investigate the
point that I am suppressing. It is a never ending cycle. Throughout this
process and even before I started this process I have noticed that what
I suppress doesn't go away. It will keep coming up until I deal with
it. The point or area of myself that I am going to look at here is
Sometimes when I read the writings of others I
will notice that someone is on day 214, 300, 410 or whatever number. I
react to those who have written longer than I have. I go into judgement
of myself and of others based on my observation of the numbers of days
being written. I judge myself as less than and inferior to those who
have written longer than I have. Within this judgement of myself and
others I realize that it is me in my own mind competing to have the
higher number of days written. This is rather silly. This shows me that
my starting point on a lot of my blog posts has been that "I have to
write so I can keep up with everyone else." This is missing the point of
self writing. I realize by looking through my past blog posts that a
lot of them were unnecessary because I felt that I had to write in order
to keep up with others who are participating in the Journey to Life.
This shows me how competitive I am.
Another thing I
notice is that when I get done writing a blog, the self writing, I sit
there and judge the length of how long the blog looks. I judge myself
not on the validity of what I am writing about but about the length of
the blog post. Then I will try and add more shit when this happens. When
this happens I am not freely writing myself out because I sit there and
think about what I can write about so that the post will look longer,
LOL! Fucking competitive bullshit here!
I will continue with Self Forgiveness next time."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that what I suppress doesn't just go away. It may temporarily go away but what I suppress will eventually show itself to me again which is a never ending cycle that won't stop until I explore/investigate and understand why it is exactly I am suppressing a certain point within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I see that someone has written longer than me or has more days written than I have and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as better than me placing myself in moment of participating in an emotional experience of inferiority which is me judging myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" not realizing that this is a starting point of competition which defeats the whole purpose of why I write myself out and forgive myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the thought "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" through writing not realizing that I am writing based on a mental idea of competition that exists only in my mind as I realize that acting on this thought means the writing is not self supportive because the starting point was to 'keep up with others' instead of supporting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in jealousy when I see that someone has written more days than I have in the Journey to Life and have accepted and allowed myself to play catch up and have written many blog posts from the starting point of playing catch up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a blog post from the starting point of wanting/desiring it to be more than a paragraph or two because I have read others blogs that are longer and believe that I need to write the same amount and length as they have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more to my blog post when I am done writing because I think that it isn't long enough instead of realizing that when and as I write with the want/desire to add more to the blog post that I am writing that I have to stop and think about what else I can add so that it seems longer and within this not realizing that this is me not freely expressing myself but an idea of how I want to be seen as through the eyes of another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder/imagine/think of what other people think of my blog posts and have accepted and allowed myself to write with this thought in the back of my head.
Self Commitments next time