Sunday, June 16, 2013

Day 192: Competition within the Journey to Life Part Three

Continued from days 190 and 191

Days 190 and 191 is in italics for context. 




Day 190

"There has been a lot of points that I have been suppressing for a while and they keep coming up within me. I realize that what I suppress will come back over and over and over again until I investigate the point that I am suppressing. It is a never ending cycle. Throughout this process and even before I started this process I have noticed that what I suppress doesn't go away. It will keep coming up until I deal with it. The point or area of myself that I am going to look at here is writing.

Sometimes when I read the writings of others I will notice that someone is on day 214, 300, 410 or whatever number. I react to those who have written longer than I have. I go into judgement of myself and of others based on my observation of the numbers of days being written. I judge myself as less than and inferior to those who have written longer than I have. Within this judgement of myself and others I realize that it is me in my own mind competing to have the higher number of days written. This is rather silly. This shows me that my starting point on a lot of my blog posts has been that "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone else." This is missing the point of self writing. I realize by looking through my past blog posts that a lot of them were unnecessary because I felt that I had to write in order to keep up with others who are participating in the Journey to Life. This shows me how competitive I am.

Another thing I notice is that when I get done writing a blog, the self writing, I sit there and judge the length of how long the blog looks. I judge myself not on the validity of what I am writing about but about the length of the blog post. Then I will try and add more shit when this happens. When this happens I am not freely writing myself out because I sit there and think about what I can write about so that the post will look longer, LOL! Fucking competitive bullshit here!

I will continue with Self Forgiveness next time.

Day 191

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that what I suppress doesn't just go away. It may temporarily go away but what I suppress will eventually show itself to me again which is a never ending cycle that won't stop until I explore/investigate and understand why it is exactly I am suppressing a certain point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as I see that someone has written longer than me or has more days written than I have and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as better than me placing myself in moment of participating in an emotional experience of inferiority which is me judging myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" not realizing that this is a starting point of competition which defeats the whole purpose of why I write myself out and forgive myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the thought "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" through writing not realizing that I am writing based on a mental idea of competition that exists only in my mind as I realize that acting on this thought means the writing is not self supportive because the starting point was to 'keep up with others' instead of supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in jealousy when I see that someone has written more days than I have in the Journey to Life and have accepted and allowed myself to play catch up and have written many blog posts from the starting point of playing catch up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a blog post from the starting point of wanting/desiring it to be more than a paragraph or two because I have read others blogs that are longer and believe that I need to write the same amount and length as they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more to my blog post when I am done writing because I think that it isn't long enough instead of realizing that when and as I write with the want/desire to add more to the blog post that I am writing that I have to stop and think about what else I can add so that it seems longer and within this not realizing that this is me not freely expressing myself but an idea of how I want to be seen as through the eyes of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder/imagine/think of what other people think of my blog posts and have accepted and allowed myself to write with this thought in the back of my head.

Self Commitments next time"

Day 192

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wanting to suppress a point by ignoring it to investigate the point thoroughly and write it out as I realize that investigating what I am suppressing will help to stop these never ending cycles of self suppression. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I am reading someone else's Journey to Life blog and react to the number of days they have written. 

I commit myself to stop myself and breathe when and as I see myself thinking "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" and to write for myself as self support and I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to write when the thought "I have to write so I can keep up with everyone" and to do something else for a while and come back to writing when and as I am clear/empty of thoughts and to allow my writing to flow as it will.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to write when and as I feel that I need to play catch up because I skipped a day or two or am not living up to my self created idea of how I want to be seen by others and to write when and as I am clear/empty of thoughts and if I am not clear/empty of thoughts to write out what it is that is occupying my mind. 

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to add on extra parts on a blog post because I believe what I have written is too short and I commit myself to stop myself by breathing in and out when and as I notice myself comparing the length of my writings to others writings. 

I commit myself to when and as I am writing to express me as me in who/what I am in that specific moment instead of trying to paint a prettier picture of myself and how I want to be perceived by others. 

I commit myself to write myself out for the purpose of supporting myself and to share my process with others and I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to paint a prettier picture of who I am and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as I realize that this is ego based and not self honest. 

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