Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Day 194: Blaming Education, Teachers and the System

 Continued from day 193

"Ever since this semester has ended I have been looking for a job. Finally my first day is tomorrow. I am also taking a summer class this semester and may have to drop it because I missed the first exam. I have been so pre occupied with trying to get a job that I wasn't aware of the dates the exams were. This online class started a day late because the teacher didn't post the assignments, documents, information in time and I notice that when I saw that I missed the first exam that this is the thought that came up. How he missed putting the information online for the first day. So I started to place my anger on him because I didn't take responsibility for knowing the dates each exam was due. Oh how this pissed me off. Also, when I found out I was a day late for taking the exam I started to blame the system and was so pissed off. I thought "Everything in this world is full of shit" and other shit like that."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about getting a job for the summer to the point where it was occupying my mind many times throughout the day and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this worry to occupy my mind to the point where I didn't take responsibility for being aware of the due dates for this online class I was taking and blamed the job search instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw that the teacher posted on blackboard, apologizing for not starting the class on the correct date to react with a feeling of happiness because I didn't have to study on the starting date of the class and thinking that college teachers can get away with anything and that the system is full of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of how the teacher didn't post the material for the class until the second day when and as I found out that I missed the first exam instead of realizing that I didn't take responsibility for making sure I knew the dates of when all assignments and exams were due and within this trying to find a way to justify this irresponsibility by looking for something to pin on the teacher which was how he started the class on the 2nd day instead of the first day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for missing the first exam and thinking, "It is only one day late. This is an online class. WTF!" causing me to participate within an emotional experience of anger where I could feel it in my body and the energy it created, starting with an emotion of sadness and ended up going into an emotion of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this anger to turn into blame - blaming the education system, the teacher of this class, and the system. Triggering even more anger within me instead of realizing that I was blaming things outside of myself so that missing my first exam could be justified.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that today's educational system and the way the average teacher educates students is a problem but I realize that this is what I have to work with so I have to work with the system in order to graduate and be in it and I realize that bitching about it and blaming others isn't going to change anything and it only causes anger within/as me.

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