Thursday, June 27, 2013

Day 197: Possessed with Excitement while Skateboarding Part Two




Continued from Day 196

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self conscious of my weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think others might think I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around girls who I think are attractive because I think that I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a fat person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to look a certain way in front of girls not realizing that this want/desire to look a certain way is based on my idea of how I think I should look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate in any physical activity that would be beneficial for my health.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the activities that are beneficial for me physically that I enjoy and that would support me physically with my health.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "It has been so long" when and as I have the opportunity to exercise my body and have accepted and allowed this thought to influence me into not doing anything, sitting static.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that it takes time for me to learn or re-require a skill that I haven't participated in for a long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excitement of skateboarding at the skate park to take over when and as I was skateboarding and within this not realizing/seeing that I was possessed by a feeling of excitment when and as I sat foot in the park, right when I got there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold onto the memories of skating at the skatepark and the fun I had when I skated everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of smoking weed at the skatepark with a person who I thought was "punk," skating around while passing the joint back and forth while it was dark outside and later going to another skatepark and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label/define another person as "punk."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excitement within me to possess me to the point of thinking that I could do the same tricks that I used to be able to do in the past without seeing/realizing/understanding that I trained my body to get to the point of skating on vert day by day and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excitement within my mind to contol me to the point of disregarding/ignoring my physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that any physical activity like skateboarding or other activities are learned through the body and not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I have physically hurt myself before when I was skating with a friend and broke my ankle while skating on the mini ramp and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was trying to impress my friend with my tricks and was also possessed with excitement when I broke my ankle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of skating on the mini ramp at the local skate park with my friend and after bailing getting up and walking and realizing that I couldn't walk and sitting down on my skateboard and using my other foot to get to my car and remembering telling my friend to drive and within this getting angry at my friend for stopping at mcdonald's after this accident thinking that he had no consideration for myself and thinking "My ankle is fucked up, what the fuck!"

When and as I see myself thinking/wondering if others are thinking that I am fat - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am concerned with what females may think about my weight and that I want to be seen as attractive in the eyes of females and sometimes I try and suck in my belly to try and not make myself be seen as fat. I commit myself to when and as I am around a girl who I think is attractive and feel the need to suck in my belly to not accept and allow myself to do so and instead breathe in and breathe out.

When and as I say to myself "It has been so long" thinking it isn't worth it to exercise because "It has been so long" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that any activity like exercising is done breath by breath and day by day and the results of exercising are seen/felt through space and time and not through an automatic want/desire. I commit myself to when and as I say or think to myself "It has been so long" to do exactly what it is that "has been so long."

When and as I see myself going into a state of excitement to the point of thinking that I could do the same tricks that I used to be able to do - I stop and I breathe. I realize that learning physicaly happens through and with the body and not the mind. I commit myself to allow my body to learn and train itself when I am learning a new activity or an activity that I have done in the past and to not accept and allow excitement to possess me into doing more than my body can handle.

When and as I see myself labeling/defining someone as "punk" - I stop and I breathe. I realize that some people may try and portray the image of being seen as a "punk" but I realize that this is still a pre conceived judgement that I place on them and I realize/see/understand that this is separation - me separating myself from the other person based on a label/definition of who I think they are trying to be. I commit myself to notice the labels/definitions that I place on other people and to not accept and allow these judgements to influence how I communicate with others.

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