Sunday, July 28, 2013

Day 207: My life as a Skeptic Part One

I listened to the vlog Creation's Journey to Life "Day 461: Skeptics failed the Jesus message" yesterday and after listening I realized a few things about myself and how I actually live out the word "Skeptic." So in this post I am going to go through some history about what led me to be a skeptic and later go into more detail. 

Different forms of skepticism exist like religious skepticism, philisophical skepticism, scientific skepticism and others. According to Wikepedia, "Skepticism" means:

Skepticism or scepticism (see spelling differences) is generally any questioning attitude towards knowledge, facts, or opinions/beliefs stated as facts,[1] or doubt regarding claims that are taken for granted elsewhere.[2]

So that is the definition of skepticism and now I am going to go into some history about myself and later post how I have lived this word called "skepticism" based on this history. 



 Through my life I started questioning things in high school. I would wonder "what about the people who were born in China or India? Are they going to hell because they don't believe in God?" I asked myself this question and even other people this question because at that time I was a "Christian" but I never put any effort into being a "Christian." I would go to church because I was forced to. The older I got through high school the less I was forced to go. But that question, "What about those who were born in different countries? Do they not go to heaven?" I saw how those who went to my father's church would act. In every church that my father preached at I noticed drama and cliques within the congregation. It has always reminded me of going to school and how the public school system is in America. Cliques like preps, jocks, stoners, nerds, losers, band geeks, artsy people, goths, etc... existed and going to church I found the same thing happening except the members of the congregation would dress the same and be involved in mostly one activity which was going to church and church type of dinners. I saw the similarity between the cliques in church and school and started thinking that "Christians" are full of shit and are not good people. I thought why would all this drama between members of the same church exist. 

Another thing is that I wondered why so many denominations existed. I remember asking my father when I was young, "What is the difference between a 'Baptist' and a 'Catholic'?.. If we are all 'Christians' then why do we call ourselves 'Baptist' or 'Catholic'? Why do 'Catholics' and 'Methodists' and 'Baptists' talk shit about each other? I was never given an answer that made any sense. All the preps, jocks, stoners, nerds, Goths, band geeks, etc... labels in school now seemed to correlate to religion because of the labels like Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Apostolic, etc... 

I also wondered why some girls had really long hair and only wore dresses. Apostolics do this and also the males are not allowed to wear shorts. I could and still can see if a female is an Apostolic or of a similar faith by what she is wearing. 

In my next post I am going to continue with this and eventually get to the point what led me to becoming skeptical about pretty much everything. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Day 206: Overheated Chickens Die

Today I went downstairs to look for my wallet because I was planning to go to town. When I got downstairs I saw my dad in the corner holding a chicken that was overheated. Her eyes were rolling back into her head while breathing with her beak open. He brought her in to cool her off. As soon as I saw the chicken and how she was breathing I got very emotional. I ended up tearing up while watching her in my father's lap. She is still downstairs right now.

I ended up getting angry about the situation and complaining to him that he should take better care of them. There are four chickens in the back of the chicken house that don't have access to the outside and I started telling him that they are living in hell. I said "How can a living thing be happy when it isn't allowed to see the sun?" Every time he puts those four chickens with the rest they get picked on so that is why he keeps them in the back in this 4x12 space. Anyway I was crying and telling him that he should take care of them better.



I went online and checked how to help a chicken that was overheating and my mom came in asking me what I was doing and why I looked upset and where my father was. I went back into the room and told him putting cold water on the chicken's cone is supposed to help her cool down so I got a glass of cold water and dipped my finger in the glass and dropped it on her cone.

My dad and I kept talking and my mom said "You are more upset about this chicken dying than when your grandma died." The chicken is still alive though. I explained that I agree with the principle that ALL life should be taken care of and respected and especially when someone has the responsibility of caring for another life no matter what form it may be in.

After writing the previous paragraph I realize that I could've helped with the chickens and cooling them off but didn't realize it until I went outside and felt the heat and saw one right in front of me on the verge of death.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 205: More on habits and consistency

 Continued from days 202, 203 and 204

In this post I am continuing on with the imaginitive ideas about myself having changed something about myself; where I think of how something will be like in the future if I were to change something about myself. There are a lot of things that I would like to change about myself and they keep coming up within me. When I look back on what I have actually changed about myself it was one simple thing that I walked through for quite a while of time. Stopping weed and soda have been the most prominent habits I have changed.

This is the second summer that I have lived with my parents in a long time. Six years or so of not living with them besides visiting for a week or so on the holidays. I quit drinking soda for 8 months or so and have started to drink it again because every time I open the fridge it is right there. When I see it I want one and decide to drink one because it is right there. Sometimes when I am pissed off about something and open the fridge I see the soda and think "fuck it, it doesn't matter if I drink this soda or not." so I reach out and grab the can of pop. 

When looking back at this habit of stopping soda it was the only thing that I was involved in changing. It was the simple choice of stopping all fizzy drinks besides beer and it was not as hard as I imagined it to be. There is so much shit I want to perfect about myself and I imagine myself as that person sometimes. I realize that I can only change one habit at a time because changing one habit at a time, a period of 1 to 6 or 8 months allowed me to walk it physically. But here again I am drinking soda because I have accepted and allowed myself to while seeing it right in front of me to grab it just because it is right in front of my ass.

So I realize that if I am to change a specific habit that I participate in it means that I can only walk that one habit otherwise it won't work. It is almost impossible for me to take stopping two addictions at the same time. This is related with the imagination factor. The way I imagine myself having changed a habit or addiction. I have noticed the more I walk just ONE POINT at a time the less these imagined thoughts of changing something about myself come up because when walking just one point at a time means that I am doing it physically. I am actually walking a point instead of imagining myself walking it.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Day 204: Consistency is not likely when Feelings and Emotions are Involved.

Continued from days 202 and 203

When and as I see/notice myself believing/trusting my imagination where I believe that I will follow through with exercising on a daily basis - I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I trust/believe futuristic thoughts of how things will be like in the future, that it is based on energy, and when tomorrow comes I will not feel the same because the energy was lost by simply running out, or was lost through sleeping and waking up, thus I realize/see/understand that no thought/feeling/imagined idea can be trusted that I participate in because energy is always connected to my thoughts/feelings/imagined ideas.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice myself thinking about the benefits of exercising on a daily basis as I realize that when I am thinking about the benefits of exercising that I am thinking about myself and how things could be in the future and actually accept and allow myself to be possessed by the goal. 

I commit myself to read my past blog posts so I can see what patterns that I am participating in. I realize that writing myself out has allowed me to see what patterns are most prominent in my life in which I participate in. 

I commit myself to notice myself as I think about what things will be like in the future as I realize that when I am thinking about how whatever it is will be like in the future that I am participating more in the mind than participating more in the physical.

I commit myself to be aware when and as feelings/emotions come up within me about a physical activity that I participate in as I realize that when I cling on to feelings/emotions when it comes to a physical activity whether it be playing my horn, exercising, hitting the sack around, etc... that I create ideas in my mind of how these activities will go and therefore limit my ability to paritipate in these activities breath by breath. I do not accept and allow myself to think of the benefits of exercising - losing my belly fat, having more physical energy, how physical activity helps with depression so when and as I have these thoughts of thinking/picturing myself as having lost weight, being happier than I am now and having more energy I stop myself through breath.

I commit myself to when and as I notice myself participating in what things could be like in the future if I keep exercising to stop and breathe. I realize that thinking how things may or may not be like in the future if I keep on exercising means that I am satisfied more in my mind than I am acting walking the exercising out in the physical and therefore create highs by thinking and feeling. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

Day 203: Consistency is not likely when Feelings and Emotions are Involved.

Continued from day 202

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think of the benefits of playing hacky sack, jogging and walking, and doing sit ups will be like in the future not realizing that this imagined idea of the future is based on energy and it gets me excited and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that this energy begins with a futuristic thought of how things will be and then leads to a feeling of excitement which then leads to a feeling of energy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with this energy not realizing that this energy helps create more thoughts about the benefits of exercise will be like 30 days from now or anytime in the future and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the chain reaction of a futuristic thought leading to a feeling of excitement and then an energetic feeling to blind me from the physical and keep me in the mind where it is that I think I am actually doing something by thinking about it instead of physically doing it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my writings within my journey to life blog and my previous blog have shown that I have accepted and allowed futuristic thoughts about how things will be like in the future have lead to me being possessed by energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the thoughts that lead to a feeling of excitement and then create a feeling of energy that I can feel physically with my body instead of realizing that this energy is not sustainable because after sleeping and waking up the next day I will not feel as hyped up about exercising because it was all created in the mind instead of walked physically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see when and as I become possessed with thoughts of how things will be like if I keep exercising and how it will benefit me in the future. I realize that when and as I get excited about how something may be like in the future that I am not physically walking it as effectively as I could if I just did the thing everyday without becoming possessed with the futuristic thoughts, excitement, and energy and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this feeling of excitement and energy that was created by imagining how I will be like in the future if I exercise everyday created a good feeling within me that feels good, basically getting high off of my own thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that thought/feeling/imagination has held me back in me being consistent with whatever activity it is that I do because I have created myself to do activities based on futuristic mind projections and feelings.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that waking up and playing the trumpet for 2-3 hours every morning in the beginning was not a fun thing to do where I thought that doing it was useless but after doing it for several months these thoughts changed because I walked physically through the thoughts and physically did the thing instead of thinking about doing the thing and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/understand that I can program myself to do any activity if I physically do that thing over and over until it becomes habit.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my emotions/feelings/thoughts/imaginations to play more of an important role within me than actually physically doing the thing/activity it is that I do and within this I realize that imagination/thought about doing an activity and the results of what the outcome will be have only held me back from physically doing the activities that I participate in.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Day 202: Consistency is not likely when Feelings and Emotions are Involved.



When I look at something I want to change about myself a lot of stuff happens and most of this "stuff" has to do with my imagination and not with my physical living. For example, I have been playing hacky sack lately and been exercising as in jogging/walking and doing sit ups and things like that. When I am done I think about what would happen if I kept doing these things everyday and what the end result would be. In many of my past blog posts it can be seen that I think about the outcome of doing something more than actually physically doing it. Like the other day I got done walking and jogging and started thinking what the benefits would be if I did that everyday for a month and this excitement came up within me but then... I now see/realize/understand that this excitement is based on energy and when the time comes tomorrow to do the same thing I will feel differently about it and I won't feel as hyped up about exercising as i was when I had those excited thoughts.

When reading through my past blog posts I can see/understand that this imaginative part of myself is very prominent within me and holds me back from walking physically day by day and breath by breath. So whenever I get excited about changing something about myself I know that it isn't real because that excitement is only energy and it runs out and the next day when the time comes to do the activity that I was excited about won't feel the same. I realize now that consistency with whatever activity, habit, skill etc... is not based on feelings because if it is the likeability of being consistent is less likely because it was based on an energetic feeling - like with me the excitement of thought and looking at the end result through thought instead of walking it in the physical. This I can see through playing the trumpet for many years and when I began doing the trumpet routine. Getting up everyday early and playing through the basic fundamentals of what it takes to play a brass instrument. A lot of the time I did not want to wake up and do it, which is an emotion. Eventually after six months of doing this it became habit and no emotions/feelings were involved. Well emotions and feelings still come up within me about playing this trumpet routine but it isn't as prominent as it was when I first started it. So I can see within this that the way to change myself is to do the thing and look at and investigate what emotions, feelings and thoughts come up within me.

Again, I have read through a lot of my past blog posts and this same point keeps coming up and I now understand that changing myself will not work as in consistency if emotions, thoughts and feelings are involved with why it is that I am doing what I am doing. So I see that I need to investigate the emotions, feelings and thoughts that come up within me when I am walking a point of changing a habit, studying, or learning a skill.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Day 201: Suppressed Fear and Regret

I haven't written in a little while and thought it was about time to write. There has been a lot of shit rolling around in my noggin lately. I notice that the more thoughts and imaginations are going on within me the more it is difficult to sit myself down and just write. There is too much shit to go through when I am thinking/wondering about things. So I am going to go through some of this in this blog post.

This December I am finally going to graduate. There has been a lot of guilt within me about how I have wasted years of my life going to school. I could have graduated years ago but decided to switch majors and this has caused me guilt. All of the bullshit that happens when you switch majors sucks. When I did switch majors the university was in the middle of a catalouge change so I took a lot of classes and took out money for classes that weren't needed and this always pissed me off. When I was with my adviser and he told me I have taken a lot of classes that were not part of my degree I was pissed and had to go from there.

I have a lot of fear about graduating school because that is what I have basically been doing for my whole life. I have had jobs here and there but my life has consisted mainly of going to school, and the idea of graduating from college is kinda scary because I have no idea what lies ahead of me when I graduate. I fear that I won't be able to get a job with my degree in "jazz studies." I regret getting a degree in "jazz studies" because it is a very competitive world today and especially in something like music. Lately I haven't even been playing my horn because of this guilt and regret.

Will continue with this...

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Day 200: Sharing with Family and Friends.

Sharing desteni is something I have done for a while. I share blogs and vlogs of destonians on facebook. When hanging with a friend I sometimes show them a youtube video. Usually the response is like "WTF! I don't get it." or they are totally against the message. Relatives have reacted to what I post on facebook. Sometimes family and friends will make smart ass remarks to me about desteni and gossip will happen. People have came up to me and said, "I heard that you are in a cult. Is this true?" When I am with a friend and we watch a video on youtube we will usually have discussion afterwards. Sometimes an argument will come up and I will try and prove myself right until the person gives up or I give up. This is based on energy and the desire of arguing. It is also based on knowledge and information. Shit that I haven't walked yet. What I have came to realize is that sharing the message with friends, say while hanging out - Watching a video and then debating on it is not the way to share the message of oneness and equality and desteni. Trying to prove oneself right based on all of this knowledge and information. Once something is walked and lived then people in your life will react and say something like "Your different than before. What happened to you?" So it is the living and walking that's what it's about instead of the sharing and debating/arguing. For example, I have came across many friends and they ask me about the weed thing. Some have said "You have changed." Within space and time the people you know will reflect back to you your change if you are walking process. This is something I have misunderstood. I used to and still do sometimes, shove all of this knowledge and information in anothers face.


Day 199: Afraid to Ask Questions Part Two

Continued from day 198

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ask teachers questions when I don't understand something about an assignment or don't understand something about the class.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not ask questions in class because I think others will judge me as stupid or that my question is stupid not realizing that this is a thought and that I am acting on the thought of thinking others will think I am stupid or that my question is stupid and within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear asking questions in class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask questions while in class because I want to be seen by others as a "smart" person who doesn't need to ask questions not realizing that this my ego at play and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want to be seen as a "smart" person not realizing that this is a point of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea in my mind that I am "smart" and don't need to ask questions in class because I am "smart" and I forgive myself for acting/living the idea of being seen as "smart" in the eyes of others instead of being me as I am.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when and as I am in class and don't ask questions because of the fear of being seen as stupid by others that I am acting out a character - this character is the "smart" character thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see when and as I act/live out this character.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when and as I act out the "smart" character that I am living in the mind and not as myself as who I am in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to when and as I don't understand something about an assignment or what we are supposed to study for a class to ask the teacher either while in class or if it is a lecture class I commit myself to ask the teacher my questions after the class is over.

I commit myself to be aware of when and as I fear asking questions to a teacher.

I commit myself to stop the "smart" character when and as I notice myself acting it out by realizing/seeing that when I go into the "smart" character that I wonder/think what others might be thinking about me and when and as I see myself acting out this character I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop and breathe in and out when and as I am thinking that others will think that I am stupid or that the question I want to ask is stupid. 

I commit myself to investigate all the characters that I act out and the reasons why I act out these characters.