Sunday, July 7, 2013

Day 201: Suppressed Fear and Regret

I haven't written in a little while and thought it was about time to write. There has been a lot of shit rolling around in my noggin lately. I notice that the more thoughts and imaginations are going on within me the more it is difficult to sit myself down and just write. There is too much shit to go through when I am thinking/wondering about things. So I am going to go through some of this in this blog post.

This December I am finally going to graduate. There has been a lot of guilt within me about how I have wasted years of my life going to school. I could have graduated years ago but decided to switch majors and this has caused me guilt. All of the bullshit that happens when you switch majors sucks. When I did switch majors the university was in the middle of a catalouge change so I took a lot of classes and took out money for classes that weren't needed and this always pissed me off. When I was with my adviser and he told me I have taken a lot of classes that were not part of my degree I was pissed and had to go from there.

I have a lot of fear about graduating school because that is what I have basically been doing for my whole life. I have had jobs here and there but my life has consisted mainly of going to school, and the idea of graduating from college is kinda scary because I have no idea what lies ahead of me when I graduate. I fear that I won't be able to get a job with my degree in "jazz studies." I regret getting a degree in "jazz studies" because it is a very competitive world today and especially in something like music. Lately I haven't even been playing my horn because of this guilt and regret.

Will continue with this...

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