Friday, August 16, 2013

Day 213: Dealing with Financial Aid Part Two

Continued from day 212




I had to talk to the director of financial aid in order for them to recover the material I gave them that was apparently lost and then I felt this feeling of comfort. Here I am doing some self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the girl who was assisting me in the financial aid office when she told me that should couldn't find the paperwork that I turned in the previous week.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to even before I went to the office of financial aid to think that something is going to go wrong because of past experiences with dealing with financial aid and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within my imagination that things will go wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word financial aid to a negative charge in which anytime I hear the word financial aid my body and my thoughts go into a negative state and within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I have charged the words "financial aid" with an negative charge because I fear the debt that I am in thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being in debt.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was angry at the girl who was assisting me in making sure I would receive financial aid for this semester and not realizing that I talked to her in a nasty angry voice saying, "How could you lose the material I gave you?" - talking to her as if she was the one responsible and not realizing/seeing/understanding that she just works their and had nothing to do with how the material I gave to the financial aid office was misplaced. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I wonder if she thinks I am a dick?" not realizing that if I was breathing and not participating in thoughts of worry then I wouldn't have reacted in an angry/pissed off way and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my thoughts of worry like "What if my financial aid doesn't get processed before school starts?" created emotions of anger and worry within me that I took out on the girl who was assisting me in the financial aid office.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I participate within thoughts of worry that an emotion most likely will come after these thoughts and that thoughts help create emotions within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an automatic emotional reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I got a phone call from financial aid explaining that they found the information they couldn't find before that I went into a state of relief and comfort and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that thoughts of worry and emotions of anger allowed me to feel this experience of relief and if I wasn't participating in thoughts of worry and an emotion of anger then this relief/comfort would not have happened thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that thoughts help create emotions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge those people who are waiting in line at a fast food place or grocery store when they get pissed at the person working thinking I know what it is like to be in their shoes because I have worked at these types of places not realizing that I did the same thing while waiting in the financial aid office and got pissed at the lady who was assisting me.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone with anger who had nothing to do with why I became angry - realizing that I am automatically reacting - I stop and I breathe.

 I realize that I have taken out my own anger on other people who did nothing to me but just because I was angry. Realizing that I place my anger onto another person because I haven't investigated within myself why I am angry in the first place therefore instead of investigating this emotion of anger within me I direct it towards another person.

I commit myself to be aware of my body and thoughts when and as I react to someone in anger and within this I commit myself to investigate what it is inside me - the thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, judgments that caused this anger to happen within me so I can get down to the root or source of why I reacted this way in the first place.

I commit myself to stop myself with the breath when and as I notice/see that I am reacting to someone or something in an emotional way or a way based on feelings. I realize that if I react to someone or something automatically with anger or some other negative emotion then I do the same with the positive feelings I have towards someone or something thus creating polarity within the emotions/feelings I participate in.

I commit myself to stop the worry that exists within/as me by investigating what caused this worry in the first place. Getting to the root or source of why I worry about something or someone in the first place. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Day 212: Dealing with Financial Aid



Just a little while I went to the office of financial aid to turn in information and to make sure all the information they needed they have received. I turned in information last week and they apparently couldn't find it. As soon as this happened I said to the girl assisting me, "You lost it? What the hell?" I became angry and all sorts of thoughts came up like "What if my financial aid doesn't get processed before the semester starts?", "That dumbass lost my information.", "I can't believe this". I realized that when I said "You lost it? What the hell?" that I was placing my anger on this girl who was working there who had nothing to do with losing this important information. I felt kind of bad and wondered if she thought that I was a dick. Before we parted ways I said "I know it isn't your fault; this is frustrating."

So I reacted automatically without realizing what I was reacting to. It is interesting how we can realize how we reacted towards another person when the other person did nothing at all. This is quite stupid, lol.


Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 211: Bernard Poolman

It was quite shocking when I found out that Bernard passed away. Very unexpected. A few years ago I found Bernard's channel on youtube and was very interested in the things he was talking about.

 His voice was also something that hit me. He has that gravely sound that some have like Louis Armstrong, Tom Waits, and Dicky Barrett. That isn't what hit me though. What hit me was how he spoke. My attention would not wonder off. When he spoke I always saw something about myself that I was aware of that I don't want to take responsibility for. A few years ago I was taking a break from practicing my horn and decided to listen to some youtube videos. Youtube is kind of a hobby of mine. Anyway, I came across more and more videos of Bernard speaking and I couldn't listen. I knew that if I did then I would see a part of myself that was ugly and was not ready to take responsibility for. I thought, "I don't want to hear what he has to say because it is going to allow me to see a reflection of myself." I feared investigating who I am and what I have become. He was a blunt fucker who told things as they are without any made up bullshit. Eventually I got over this selfish stupidity.



The interesting thing is that not many people have the ability to teach but Bernard did. I never physically met Bernard but have had chats with him. What I can say about Bernard is that he taught me nothing. He taught me how to teach myself. He taught me about self investigation, self exploration, and self honesty. That is what a REAL teacher is. A good teacher is someone that shows you how to teach yourself. So, according to "A good teacher is someone that shows you how to teach yourself," then he was the best teacher I have ever had.

When I found out he passed away I realized that I would never meet him. In my mind, after I graduated I planned on visiting the farm, as others have explained that it is a supportive and awesome experience. This thought came up and emotions of sadness came up within me. "I will never meet Bernard." I imagined it being this awesome experience and now this imagined idea of an awesome experience will never happen. This is an example of how I imagine the future and think of the future rather than being here as breath.

He taught me about self interest. I realized that I was and am still living within/as self interest. Bernard taught me how to look at all things and living things and not just the ones in my immediate environment. Looking at the whole, the collective and not only the individual immediate environment shit.

I have been ranting on here. There is plenty more I could write about but I am stopping here. I am grateful that Bernard lived among us. He was a human being that truly cared about all life. Thank you Bernard.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Day 210: My Life as a Skeptic Part Four



Continued from days 207, 208, and 209

I commit myself to investigate myself when and as I notice myself becoming angry at another person instead of accepting and allowing this anger I have towards other people to continue as I realize that disecting this anger allows me to see why I became angry in the first place and allows me the opportunity to take responsibility for my anger that I couldn't do if I didn't investigate the anger I have towards other people. 

I commit myself to stop the judgment of those who are religious through self awareness, noticing when and as I judge someone who is religious as stupid and brainwashed, and after I am aware that a judgment has been made to stop and breathe and I commit myself to be aware when I have backchat towards another person that involves me placing a person into the category "dumb religious people."

I commit myself to stop separating myself from religious people and to not accept or allow my preconceived judgments towards someone who is religious to influence my communication, speaking, or involvement with them. 

I commit myself to be aware of myself when and as I am placing another person in a category as I realize that when I place someone in a category or label a person that the very fact that I am labeling the person is judgment. 

I commit myself to be aware of when I label myself, place myself in a category and to stop separating myself from other people who may be part of a certain group by realizing that they are a human just like me. 

I commit myself to be aware of myself when and as I label someone that I have to interact with in school as a choir person, marching band person, or a classical person. 

I commit myself to notice when and as I see a woman that has a long dress on and long hair - showing that she is part of a certain religion to stop and breathe and not accept and allow backchat to continue through realizing that I am judging someone that I know nothing about and can never know anything about as it is impossible for me to have lived in her shoes. 

I commit myself to investigate all sides of a specific subject and to not allow my pre-judgment of the subject to influence what parts of the specific subject I am investigating and I commit myself to stop myself and breathe when and as feelings/emotions come up within me about the specific subject that I am investigating. I do not accept or allow myself to investigate something for the sake of proving myself right to myself or another person. 

I commit myself to investigate the skeptic character that exists within me and what has led me to become a skeptic about a specific topic/subject. I realize that when I am skepitical about a certain subject/topic, whatever it is, is because i have already judged the subject/topic without proper investigation because when and as I go into the skeptical character I do so for the purpose or goal of being right. Wanting/desiring myself to to prove to myself and others that I am right and all others who don't agree with me as wrong. 

Day 209: My Life as a Skeptic Part Three

After reading through my past two blog posts I realize that I have not been a very good investigator. Being skeptical towards religion and Christianity is just one example of my skepticism. I have researched certain parts of something that will prove myself right because I want to be seen as being right, correct, intelligent. This is ego and self interest. Wanting to be seen as better and more intelligent than others even though I haven't investigated whatever it is that I am researching properly. I have judged before I have investigated so what I end up investigating will be chosen like picking parts here or there that will confirm that my initial judgment was correct. 



Self Forgiveness on days 207 and 208

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotion of anger where I became angry at my parents for making me go to church instead of realizing that I was only forced to go to church and that Christianity was not shoved down my throat because when growing up while at home Christianity and the beliefs of the church were rarely talked about. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that believes in a God, anyone who is a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, anyone who is religious as stupid and brainwashed not realizing that my judgment of religious people is based on my observation of the activity that went on in the churchs I went to while growing up and my observation of religious people throughout the world and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I meet someone and find out that they are religious to immediately classify/judge/label them as stupid not realizing that I am separating myself from them by placing them into a category of people who I think are brainwashed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall to the opposite side of Christianity - Atheism, not realizing that when I became an "Atheist" I did so based on my observations of the churchs I went to while growing up and not realizing I became an "Atheist" because I was angry at religion and Christians. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself according to the beliefs I have had - spiritual beliefs like Christianity and later as an Atheist. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label others that I went to high school with as preps, jocks, stoners, nerds, goths, and band geeks not realizing that I am separating myself from others by placing them into a specific category and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that these categories that I have placed people in while in high school is how I still judge others today - judging someone based on how they dress and who they hang out with or talk to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of going shopping at the grocery with my ex girlfriend and our roommate and seeing a mom with long hair and a long dress with her two daughters with long hair and long dresses on where I became angry and imagined myself going up to the two young girls and telling them to not listen to their mother because she is brainwashing them not realizing that I was so angry because seeing this mom and her two daughters who had long hair and long dresses on reminded me of my first serious girlfriend who dumped me and all of a sudden became "Apostolic" who only wore long dresses and had long hair. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame Jesus for how Christians are and act today instead of realizing that Jesus has nothing to do with how Christians live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read the bible looking for verses that will prove to me that Christians and the bible are evil and focusing on these verses instead of reading the stories that are in the books of the bible not realizing that before I even investigated the bible or Jesus I had my mind made up which led me to gather a biased opinion and further fueled my ego and anger towards those people who call themselves Christians. 


















Thursday, August 1, 2013

Day 208: My Life as a Skeptic Part Two

Continued from day 207

When I went to college I had the chance to vote in 2004 and didn't vote because I thought my single vote wouldn't make any difference, so I didn't vote. A few years later I saw the movie zeitgeist and I started questioning things. Very interesting film. The religion part of the movie was interesting and I suppose some truth in it exists. I also found out about Ron Paul during this time and thought he made sense in the republican debates. Hearing him speak got me interested in politics, the economy, the federal reserve, the WTO, the IMF, America's foreign and monetary policy, the drug war, the United Nations, present and past wars and things like that so I started researching this shit. This is when I started to become skeptical. 



After seeing Zeitgeist, it reminded me of my past and the shit I saw in the church, and that question I have asked for a long time "What if someone isn't a Christian but is a good person, will they go to hell?" I became angry at all religious people around this time. I remember one time going shopping with my roommates and I saw an apostolic mom and her two daughters in the store. They all had long hair and were wearing long skirts. Her two daughters were quite young. I became very pissed off and thought this was brainwashing. Well, it is brainwashing and abuse because all children come into this world as innocent beings but are programmed through environment and  through certain genetic conditions. Anyway, those two young children were maybe 8-10 years old and I imagined myself walking up to them and telling them that they were being brainwashed and that they should not listen to their mom. That is what I wanted to do. I imagined myself doing just that in my mind. 

After all of this I looked at all Christians as evil and had so much anger towards them as I still do today, although it has lessened and isn't as intense as it was. But although I was raised in the church I never found out any of the principles of what Jesus stood for except "Love Your Neighbor As Yourself." I saw that obviously the majority of those who were members of my dad's church's did not live according to that principle. I ended up hating Jesus and blamed Jesus for how people treated each other. I know in society a lot of people make fun of Jesus in all kinds of things like films, stand up comedians, things like that. I hated Jesus and never investigated anything about Jesus because I thought that I knew all about Jesus through going to church and seeing how his followers treated each other. This is a perfect example of skepticism because I thought I knew all about the Chrisitan religion and Jesus but I never investigated what Jesus stood for. I realize that the bible has been written by men and not by the so-called imaginary God that people worship. So I didn't investigate the actual message of Jesus. 

I had to investigate both sides of Christianity; the Atheist and the Christian. After doing this I realized that both sides are more concerned about the bible and fighting each other based on ego than the message that Jesus stood for. Some Christians take some bible verses literally and some don't. Some Atheists take the obvious evil bible verses that bash females, gays, and those verses that are pro slavery and things like that and focus on them. I used to do this. But the bible was written by males and not by a God. It seems that a very small amount of Christians and Atheists know the principles of Jesus and what he stood for. 

I now realize that egos and skeptics go hand in hand. 

I will continue with self forgiveness next time