Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 211: Bernard Poolman

It was quite shocking when I found out that Bernard passed away. Very unexpected. A few years ago I found Bernard's channel on youtube and was very interested in the things he was talking about.

 His voice was also something that hit me. He has that gravely sound that some have like Louis Armstrong, Tom Waits, and Dicky Barrett. That isn't what hit me though. What hit me was how he spoke. My attention would not wonder off. When he spoke I always saw something about myself that I was aware of that I don't want to take responsibility for. A few years ago I was taking a break from practicing my horn and decided to listen to some youtube videos. Youtube is kind of a hobby of mine. Anyway, I came across more and more videos of Bernard speaking and I couldn't listen. I knew that if I did then I would see a part of myself that was ugly and was not ready to take responsibility for. I thought, "I don't want to hear what he has to say because it is going to allow me to see a reflection of myself." I feared investigating who I am and what I have become. He was a blunt fucker who told things as they are without any made up bullshit. Eventually I got over this selfish stupidity.

The interesting thing is that not many people have the ability to teach but Bernard did. I never physically met Bernard but have had chats with him. What I can say about Bernard is that he taught me nothing. He taught me how to teach myself. He taught me about self investigation, self exploration, and self honesty. That is what a REAL teacher is. A good teacher is someone that shows you how to teach yourself. So, according to "A good teacher is someone that shows you how to teach yourself," then he was the best teacher I have ever had.

When I found out he passed away I realized that I would never meet him. In my mind, after I graduated I planned on visiting the farm, as others have explained that it is a supportive and awesome experience. This thought came up and emotions of sadness came up within me. "I will never meet Bernard." I imagined it being this awesome experience and now this imagined idea of an awesome experience will never happen. This is an example of how I imagine the future and think of the future rather than being here as breath.

He taught me about self interest. I realized that I was and am still living within/as self interest. Bernard taught me how to look at all things and living things and not just the ones in my immediate environment. Looking at the whole, the collective and not only the individual immediate environment shit.

I have been ranting on here. There is plenty more I could write about but I am stopping here. I am grateful that Bernard lived among us. He was a human being that truly cared about all life. Thank you Bernard.

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