Friday, August 16, 2013

Day 213: Dealing with Financial Aid Part Two

Continued from day 212




I had to talk to the director of financial aid in order for them to recover the material I gave them that was apparently lost and then I felt this feeling of comfort. Here I am doing some self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to the girl who was assisting me in the financial aid office when she told me that should couldn't find the paperwork that I turned in the previous week.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to even before I went to the office of financial aid to think that something is going to go wrong because of past experiences with dealing with financial aid and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within my imagination that things will go wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word financial aid to a negative charge in which anytime I hear the word financial aid my body and my thoughts go into a negative state and within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I have charged the words "financial aid" with an negative charge because I fear the debt that I am in thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being in debt.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was angry at the girl who was assisting me in making sure I would receive financial aid for this semester and not realizing that I talked to her in a nasty angry voice saying, "How could you lose the material I gave you?" - talking to her as if she was the one responsible and not realizing/seeing/understanding that she just works their and had nothing to do with how the material I gave to the financial aid office was misplaced. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "I wonder if she thinks I am a dick?" not realizing that if I was breathing and not participating in thoughts of worry then I wouldn't have reacted in an angry/pissed off way and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my thoughts of worry like "What if my financial aid doesn't get processed before school starts?" created emotions of anger and worry within me that I took out on the girl who was assisting me in the financial aid office.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I participate within thoughts of worry that an emotion most likely will come after these thoughts and that thoughts help create emotions within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an automatic emotional reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I got a phone call from financial aid explaining that they found the information they couldn't find before that I went into a state of relief and comfort and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that thoughts of worry and emotions of anger allowed me to feel this experience of relief and if I wasn't participating in thoughts of worry and an emotion of anger then this relief/comfort would not have happened thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that thoughts help create emotions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge those people who are waiting in line at a fast food place or grocery store when they get pissed at the person working thinking I know what it is like to be in their shoes because I have worked at these types of places not realizing that I did the same thing while waiting in the financial aid office and got pissed at the lady who was assisting me.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone with anger who had nothing to do with why I became angry - realizing that I am automatically reacting - I stop and I breathe.

 I realize that I have taken out my own anger on other people who did nothing to me but just because I was angry. Realizing that I place my anger onto another person because I haven't investigated within myself why I am angry in the first place therefore instead of investigating this emotion of anger within me I direct it towards another person.

I commit myself to be aware of my body and thoughts when and as I react to someone in anger and within this I commit myself to investigate what it is inside me - the thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, judgments that caused this anger to happen within me so I can get down to the root or source of why I reacted this way in the first place.

I commit myself to stop myself with the breath when and as I notice/see that I am reacting to someone or something in an emotional way or a way based on feelings. I realize that if I react to someone or something automatically with anger or some other negative emotion then I do the same with the positive feelings I have towards someone or something thus creating polarity within the emotions/feelings I participate in.

I commit myself to stop the worry that exists within/as me by investigating what caused this worry in the first place. Getting to the root or source of why I worry about something or someone in the first place. 

No comments:

Post a Comment