Saturday, October 19, 2013

Day 218: More Conflict with Teachers Part Two

Continued from day 217

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask a teacher multiple times and expecting him to have taken responsibility for his commitments not realizing that I was expecting him to take responsibility for something and not realizing that expecting someone else to take responsibility is nothing but an idea that I have created in my mind and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe when a teacher says he/she is going to do something to actually believe it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I heard my teacher say "no" when I asked him if he had sorted out what he said he would sort out and within this decided to send him and other faculty an email and not realizing that when and as I sent this email that I was possessed with energy and was not aware of my breath or even aware that I am here but I instead accepted and allowed my emotions of anger to possess me without any self awareness. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place trust in teachers and to believe that these professors actually care about my education not realizing that I am placing trust in others instead of taking responsibility for myself.



I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within this system of education and instead of taking responsibility for myself I expect the teachers to change their ways according to my own way of how I think things should be done and within this not realizing that this is a form of revenge that only I am participating in which hurts myself and the relationship I have with these teachers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give dirty looks to the teachers who told the dean that I was acting inappropriately when I had class with them and secretly on the inside wanting them to know that I dislike them when we had eye contact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education. What an asshole"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that these teachers who went to the higher ups want to get me kicked out of school not realizing that if I approached them in a different manner where I was clear inside and not full of energy then I wouldn't have gotten in trouble.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I express my opinion to college professors that they will listen to me and change their opinion because I am a student and believe that they will act according to what is best for me and the other students.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I have backchat towards teachers, those in an authoritative position, or anyone in that matter and I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue with this backchat without investigating why it is that this backchat exists within me in the first place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when a person is on my mind and I think about them that I am participating in backchat and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that those people who I get along with that I don't usually have any thought at all about them and those who I don't get along with I think about - which is backchat.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize when and as energy exists within me to the point where I automatically act without any self awareness or not realizing that I am HERE and breathing. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the shoes of those teachers who I sent this email to, actually stopping myself and wondering how I would respond if I was a teacher and a student sent me an email like this. 

When and as I see myself believing that I can trust when a person says that they will do something and just assume that they will follow through with their commitments - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not responsible for others commitments and that I can only be responsible for my own and I realize that placing faith in others, assuming they will follow through with their commitments is lack of following through with my own commitments. I commit myself to notice when I assume that other people will follow through with their responsibilities and instead of blindly believing them to take the responsibility for myself as I realize I can't force someone to take responsibility but I can be responsible for my own making the better for myself and others.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger towards a teacher and I see myself giving dirty looks to the teacher with the want for them to notice I am angry at them through eye contact and facial expressions - I stop and I breathe. I realize that stopping myself through breathing in and out and investigating the situation later through self writing is a much better alternative than acting out my normal programming and and I realize that acting based on my emotions only creates conflict and separation between me and the teachers. I commit myself to be aware when I am acting out these emotions of anger towards teachers and to instead of acting out my normal programming to breathe through the emotions and to later write myself out so I can get to the bottom of why I had these emotions in the first place.

When and as I see myself thinking that these teachers who went to the higher ups want to get me kicked out of school - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this thought is a justification I use for my anger I have towards these teachers. I commit myself to investigate the anger I have towards teachers and why it is that I think my anger is justified.

When and as I see myself thinking "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education. What an asshole"- I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot change the way a teacher teaches or force someone to follow through with their commitments and that the only thing I can do is what the teacher expects of his students. I commit myself to instead of forcing my opinion of how I think things should be taught in class to do what the teacher expects as I realize that is the only thing I can do in this current system and that doing anything else otherwise won't work without consequences.

When and as I see myself having backchat towards a teacher whether in class, while in my apartment, or any other place - I stop and I breathe. I realize that backchat overtime can lead me to acting out irrationally in an energetic state. I commit myself to be aware of the backchat I have towards teachers and to write the backchat out.

When and as I see myself acting automatically where my body and mind is in an energetic state - I stop and I breathe. I realize that this energy is created by backchat and that by this time I am usually possessed by this energy and I realize that my actions I participate in while in this energetic state of mind are something that I usually will later regret. I also realize that if I took a step back and waited until the energy ran out then I most likely wouldn't have sent this email or instead communicated myself in a better way. I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to act or do something that I normally wouldn't do when I am in an energetic state and instead to wait until the energy within me runs out and go over this situation again so I can get a perspective on the situation in a state where I am not possessed.

He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.S7Crdz7B.dpuf









A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off. - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.6IypF548.dpuf

A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off. - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.6IypF548.dpuf

A teacher said he was going to do something that would benefit everyone in the section I was in which is about 8 people. I asked him once a week for three weeks and he didn't do what he said he was going to do. After the third time I asked him and he said that he didn't do it yet I got very pissed. On the inside I was angry at him but on the outside I acted like everything was ok. I thought shit like "He hasn't followed through with his commitment and this is messing with my education" and "What an asshole" Later I decided to email him and a few others about this situation. I basically said that he is not being a good teacher. In the email I talked how I would in front of his face. We both openly occasionally cuss. Sometimes I might say "I don't understand this shit" or something like that so I thought I could use the same language in the email. He didn't think it was appropriate for me to use that language in an email but he is ok with it in person. I was confused and still am about this. I got in trouble and had to see the dean and was told that I should never talk to a teacher like that and if I do it again and a teacher says something or complains then I will be kicked out of school. After this meeting and I saw this teacher I was full of anger. In class the next day when he was talking to us I just stared at him with a pissed of look on my face. I secretly wanted to let him know how pissed I was at him. I thought "He wants to get me kicked out of college for standing up for myself and my education" and things like "why do these teachers have multiple personality disorders where they act like a friend and then act like a dictator?"

After looking back on this I realize that what led me to send this blunt and angry email was backchat that has built up for quite some time. When I sent the email I was full of energy and was pretty much possessed. This possession led me to send the email. Every thought and emotion that I have had about him built up to the point where I went off. I thought sending this email to him and the other faculty was justified.

My buddy Garb told me something like "What if you were in his shoes? How would you react to a student that did the same thing to you?" I always think that I am good at placing myself in the shoes of another, at least with my imagination but obviously I don't do this with people who piss me off. - See more at: http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/#sthash.6IypF548.dpuf

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