Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 249: Discipline of Music

Something I have learned is that habits change through space and time and not through thought. Their are a lot of things I would like to change about myself. Through the past couple years I have only changed a few things that have to do with my daily living. I used to play trumpet every day but I have burnt myself out on it or may have some other issues with it that I am not aware of but what I have learned is that for something to change it has to be done every day. I did this thing called the trumpet routine for 2-3 hours every day for around 9 years. It was the first thing I did when I woke up. It gave me a type of discipline and I eventually saw the results. When looking back on it now, I remember the first 6 months were crap and I didn't see much results. After that my playing started to change because I was doing the same thing at usually the same time of the day, every single day. The routine was something that covered all aspects of the instrument and it was physically taxing. I always felt better after doing it because I woke up and started my day with a discipline that I stuck with for a long time.

This one thing, starting the day out playing the horn for 2-3 hours eventually had a ripple effect that led to other areas in my life like studying and practicing. Now that I am not doing the routine I have found myself with doing nothing consistently. So I realize how having one discipline can have a ripple effect that happens. The Adam Routine is one of the only things I have actually allowed myself to do that was an actual discipline. The routine led to practicing of course. Within this, I realize that this can be done with anything in daily living.

Now, I am working instead of going to school and I don't really care for it but I know I have to do it because I am in a lot of debt. LOL, I never really cared for school either. Being burnt out on the horn and not having a daily routine has allowed me to see how supportive it is to have a daily routine.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Day 248: Waiting Until the Last Minute

Waiting until the last minute to go to work is something I do the majority of the time. I sit and kind of wait until I see the time 9:50am or whatever time I have to go to work. It is not only with work but with mostly anything that has to do with responsibility. I sit in my comfort zone until the time tells me to move. I realize that this means that I am not in control of myself but allow the time to control me when I get up and start moving.

LOL, it is funny because time doesn't exist. It exists in the mind. I actually count down the time before I begin getting up to go to work. I see that it is 9:40 and I think "I have 10 minutes left until I have to leave. I should probably start getting ready to leave now but I don't feel like it." 

This past month they have been doing construction on the expressway and I sometimes sit in traffic for 10-15 minutes. I think, "I should have left earlier." 

I have already placed myself in a state of stress and anxiety before I have even got to work because of waiting until the last minute. I have already set myself up for stress, lol. 

Monday, October 13, 2014

Day 247: Somewhere Over the Rainbow Part Two

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my thoughts of how popular and mainstream a song is to hinder myself from actually hearing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike anything that is mainstream or popular. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge what is mainstream or popular as shallow and stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotions of anger and annoyance when I hear someone talk about something like a song or tv show that is mainstream or popular. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those people who like things that are mainstream and popular as shallow and stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "This is a cheesy song that I don't care about" and "I don't want to listen to this song because it is so mainstream and popular."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the thoughts like "I don't want to listen to this song because it is so mainstream" has to do with my judgment of the song and that this judgment hinders me from actually hearing the song as it is, and instead from the very start of the song have a preconceived idea that the song is going to be lame because of how popular it is.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is my opinion of the song or whatever popular thing it is that has made me judge those who like popular things as shallow and stupid thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize/see the connection between my opinions about things and how these opinions lead to judgments of others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my opinion of the songs that I think are mainstream and popular to hinder me from hearing the actual song not realizing that this chat that goes on in my mind while the song is being played blocks the sound of the tune so that I am not present but instead end up going into the mind and judging the song instead of simply listening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some music as good and other music as bad and through this judgment have blinded or deafed myself from actually hearing the music itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize that judging a song while I am hearing it as good or bad hinders me from hearing the actual song and I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see that when I hear a song that I like I do the same thing as when I hear a song that I dislike. I go into the mind and judge it as awesome or shitty - unaware of how judgment is not being present to the actual song and what is being heard. I realize that judgment while listening to a song that I think is good or bad is going into the mind and that any judgment while listening to anything will make me miss parts that I am listening to because of going into the mind and making a judgment.










Friday, October 10, 2014

Day 246: Somewhere Over the Rainbow

There have been many songs that I have liked but didn't want to admit it to myself because how the song has been portrayed in the public. I think that such a song would be cheesy to like because of how popular it was. For example, the tune "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," is a song I have always liked but never really allowed myself to enjoy. When I would hear the song thoughts like "This is a cheesy song that I don't care about" or "it sounds pretty but I don't want to listen to it because it is such a well known tune, it is so mainstream."

It is these thoughts that have actually hindered me from hearing the song and the changes. It is interesting that nothing is wrong with the song but with my idea of what I have judged the tune to be. I think it is a popular tune and when I hear it it reminds me of the mainstream knowledge of music because of popular movies and things that like. This has blinded or deafed me from hearing the actual song. I realize that you can't hear the chord changes and what happens in between the harmony when thoughts like this come up. I have accepted and allowed my mind to deaf me from hearing certain music.

tbc

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Day 255: Recognizing Frustration Part Three

Continued from the previous two posts.

I commit myself to when and as I see and realize that I am having backchat towards my coworkers while at work as in judging how they are doing their job to stop myself and breathe in and out and to continue on with my responsibilities.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself in the busy hours at work and backchatting towards my coworkers to stop and breathe. I realize that this backchat has to do with the amount of work I have to do and the frustrated state I am in so this backchat has to do with me and not them.

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to talk to a coworker or a manager about a serious question when I am in this frustrated state and to wait until the time is appropriate and the pent up emotions and frustration within me is gone and I am relaxed.



Day 244: Recognizing Frustration Part Two

Continued from the previous post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of frustration while at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this emotion of frustration to continue within me at work to the point of having backchat towards my coworkers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing while in this frustrated state and seeing one of the hostesses to trigger the thought "I am bussing my ass off and you are just standing around doing nothing," instead of realizing that while I am in this state of frustration that I look at everyone around me in a negative way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the more frustrated I am, the more I participate in backchat.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when I am in a frustrated state and backchat about others that it has to do with me and the state of frustration I am in and has nothing to do with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "You scheduled me two double shifts in a row and another lunch shift. I am going to be living here for the next three days. This is bullshit," when I saw my manager walk by when I was bussing a table in the bar instead of realizing that I was frustrated due to the amount of work I had to do quickly. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to later go up to him in the office and tell him that I need to talk to him with the intent of explaining why my work schedule was bullshit not realizing that when I did this that I was still frustrated and if I would have explained why I thought my schedule was bullshit then I would have came off as an asshole because of how frustrated I was.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when my manager came up to me to talk to about my question that I was relaxed and not pent up or frustrated as I was when I asked him earlier because some time went by and I was sitting down and rolling silverware and wasn't running around in a pent up state.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize when and as I go into a frustrated state and mood while at work.









Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Day 243: Recognizing Frustration

I realize that being at work puts me in a frustrated mood. Everyday is an opportunity for me to breathe through this frustration. What I see is that this mood I go into during the busy times at work is very similar to a mood I experience in other areas in my life. It is hard to explain. When I was in college I would go into this state of mind a lot - the same experience of frustration I experience at work.

So I have recognized this state of mind I go into when I am frustrated and it really is a state of mind because when this frustration happens I look at everything around me in a negative way. When I am bussing tables in the bar I always see the hostesses and I've noticed something that helps me recognize when I am in this frustrated mood or state of mind. When I am in this mood and I am bussing tables near the bar I might think, "I am bussing my fucking ass off and running around everywhere, I just cut my finger cutting bread and all you do is stand their doing nothing. Why don't you do something?" If I am not in this frustrated mood these type of thoughts wouldn't come up and I simply notice the hostesses. I see them standing at the front and that is it. The more frustrated I am, the more backchat.

When I was in this frustrated mood today I saw my boss walk by and I thought, "You scheduled me 2 double shifts in a row and another morning shift. I am going to be living here for the next three days. This is bullshit." I told him that I needed to talk to him when he had a moment. Hours went by and he asked me what I wanted to talk to him about. I was rolling silverware during this time so I wasn't as pent up and running around everywhere. I asked him about the schedule and we talked about trading shifts with other employees. If I would have asked him about this while in the frustrated mood I would have came off as an asshole, lol.

So I realize and understand that when I am in these moods that I tend to see everything in a negative way and that the mood will eventually pass and I also realize that making decisions in these types of moods/state of mind is not beneficial. Maybe that is why the old phrase, "Sleep on it" exists, lol.




Thursday, September 25, 2014

Day 242: Communication at the work place

I wrote about slowing down and breathing through the rush hours during work the other day and have applied it ever since. Thinking that this would help with how up tight, pent up, and stressed I get while I am constantly running around for hours non stop bussing tables, cutting bread, refilling water, tea, setting up parties, etc.. I was able to slow down a bit and breathe a little easier although I was still pent up. So what has happened is that I was slower than usual. I made it a point within myself to not accept and allow my body to get that overwhelming feeling. It still existed but it was not intense as usual, which is cool. But something else happened. 

I noticed a waitress complaining to another waitress about me not bussing her tables quick enough. While going back and forth from the dining room to the kitchen I noticed this waitress complaining. It kept going on. I was aware of this gossip for quite a while so every time I was moving between the kitchen and the dining room I would see this waitress. I did not hear what was being said but just knew it through the body language. I wasn't aware of any backchat but just an angry emotion like 'oh there she is'. Next time from the kitchen to the dining room a feeling came up like "ugh." It was a noticing of seeing her. Right when I was going to bus her table she darts in front of me and starts picking up the dishes. She made it a point that I see her do this. Her body language was angry when she did this. I responded in a smart ass voice "Thank you ma'am", while walking to another table that needed to be bussed.  LOL, so I was obviously still edgy and pent up. While I was at the next table I stopped and breathed and I wasn't as angry as I usually would have been. I would have usually had backchat going on for a while but it was simply a noticing of what happened and that was it. I realized that seeing this gossip going on led me to be a smart ass. If backchat was going on I couldn't notice it because I was constantly doing physical things. 

Later on I was talking to the manager and told him "I am sure some servers have talked to you." He said yeah and that I was doing great with everything and that I am bussing my ass off except prioritizing all the multiple duties that I am responsible for and I agreed with him. We talked for a while about prioritizing my duties in a more efficient way and it was cool. I also made a suggestion to him that if anyone else has a suggestion then they should communicate it to me instead of being passive aggressive. So I explained the situation to him. Later on, that server came up to me and apologized and told me that she was being a bitch and we communicated with each other about how things went during the day.

After reflecting on this day it makes me realize that communication between individuals is important otherwise backchat, emotional feelings, and passive aggressive behavior tends to occur.

tbc.




Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Day 241: Reacting to Co-Workers Part 2

I commit myself to when and as I am reacting to my co workers through calling them names in my head to stop and breathe in and out. I realize that during the times when we are busy at work that I tend to be on edge and I realize that stopping myself through breathing in and out a few times during the busy times will help lessen the building up of tension and up tightness within me.

I commit myself to when and as I am moving into an up tight state of body and mind during the busy hours at work to stop and breathe. I realize that going into this up tight state of body and mind doesn't make me do things faster and makes me more likely to make a mistake as I have only dropped glasses when I am in this state. I realize that I want and desire to do all of my responsibilities at work as quick as I can so I can make others happy in my mind, how I want others to think about me. I realize this is an idealized idea of how I want others to see me - I want others to think "Wow! he is working hard." I commit myself to work efficiently during the busy times at work and to not accept and allow the up tight feeling that I feel in my body to continue building through stopping it when and as I notice it through breathing in and out.

I commit myself to when and as I get mad at someone for forgetting my name to stop and breathe in and out. I realize that I have called others by the wrong name and that getting mad at someone for forgetting my name is silly.

I commit myself to bring back all judgments I have towards others at work back to myself and to investigate myself and the judgment that I have made toward that person/persons.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Day 240: Reacting to Co-Workers

At work I tend to dislike the hostesses because they come up to me and tell me that a table needs to be set for 6, 8, or 16, or whatever. One of the hostesses I don't like because she always calls me by the wrong name. The other day she called me Todd or something and I said my name is John. She said, "whatever, I need table 62 and 63 for 8" When I walked away I said "Bitch" in my mind.

Why did I take this personally and and call her a bitch in my mind? Before my shift was over I realized that we were both busy. The backchat or name calling in my mind occurred during the lunch rush. I also don't know all the duties she is responsible for so I don't know what it is like to work her job. My reaction was automatic and had to do more with me than her. During the rush hours I notice I get very up tight and am on edge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the hostess who called me by the wrong name and while walking away to call her a bitch in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when she called me by the wrong name that it triggered the memory of her calling me by the wrong name in the past and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memories of her calling me by the wrong name and not realizing that I was accepting and allowing these memories to build up to the point of calling her a bitch in my mind. 


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I called the hostess a bitch in my mind that it was during the rush hour and I was pent up. I realize that when I am pent up and up tight that I am very much more likely to react automatically. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become pent up and up tight during the rush hour, thinking that I have to bus every table as quickly as I can not realizing that this type of thinking is what puts me on edge and makes me up tight. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a pent up and up tight state of mind and to then take it out on another person in my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I don't know what it is like to do another person's job so my judgment of that person is completely invalid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call another person a bitch in my mind because they forgot my name as I realize that I have forgot others names as well.

tbc



Monday, June 23, 2014

Day 239: The Rollerskaters

Now that I live in an area where not many people play music the desire/want of playing music with other people comes up. A memory that I have a positive/feeling attachment to is when I played with some of my friends at the high schools "battle of the bands". All of us in marching and concert band who liked punk rock formed a band called "The Rollerskaters" LOL. During that semester we would rehearse a few times a week playing punk covers. During school while I wasn't paying attention in class I was looking forward to rehearsing after school. It was very fun. I remember someones mom gave him money to buy a bunch of blank white t shirts. We designed all kinds of t shirts that said "the Rollerskaters" with a black marker and gave them to all our friends.
We had an extra member of the band that we added to the band who just danced while we were playing who was a good friend of mine. It was a very fun time and I sometimes wish that I could go back to that time. I felt a sense of creativity and freedom during this time that I miss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of rehearsing for the battle of the bands with my friends in high school band and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge these memories with a positive attachment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back to the time where I was excited about rehearsing with my friends while in class in high school after school for the battle of the bands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the energy/high I was pre-meditating while in high school where I was wanting school to be over and thinking about making music with my friends after school was over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remember the time when those of us in the band created t shirts that we gave out to our friends and to connect this memory to a fun and positive feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back to the time where my friend was a member of our band who only danced while we were playing and I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that having my friend dancing in front of the band while we were playing was creative instead of seeing and realizing that I got this idea off of the band the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have many instruments that I can experiment with like the guitar, the trumpet, and keyboard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can't be creative while playing an instrument while not playing with someone else.

When and as the memory of rehearsing for the battle of the bands with my band friends in my friend's garage after school comes up I stop and I breathe. I realize that this memory is just a memory and that I cannot go back to that time because I am here right now. I commit myself to be self aware of when and as the memory of rehearsing for the battle of the bands with my band friends in my friend's garage and to simply recognize it and let it go. I do not accept and allow this memory and the positive feelings it causes when I think of this time to continue playing in my mind.

Will continue with this as it has opened up many other points...

Monday, June 16, 2014

Day 238: Racist Comments

5 years ago I was at a family get together and had an uncomfortable experience. We were eating lunch and someone at the table said something racist and then another person at the table said something else that was racist. I have always remembered this moment. After hearing this I became quiet and angry and didn't say a thing for the rest of meal. This memory comes up every now and then when I see this person and it is like something I justify to myself as to why I should not like this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory where I was at a family get together and hearing someone making racist comments and after hearing these racist comments to become quiet and angry where I couldn't even talk and sat in my own little world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seeing this person to trigger the memory of hearing them make a racist comment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this memory as an excuse as to why I should not like this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike a person just because they said something that was racist.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this memory of hearing someone at a family get together make a racist comment has led me to not wanting to be around this person and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and feel uncomfortable while around this person just because they made a racist comment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that communicating with this person is difficult because the memory pops up when I am around this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at someone who made a racist while we were eating a meal together.

I commit myself to when and as seeing this person triggers the memory of this person saying a racist comment while at a family get together to stop and breathe in and out. I realize this memory has made it difficult for me to be myself around this person and I realize that this memory is hindering how I would normally communicate with them. I commit myself to stop myself from going in my own little world when I see this person and the uncomfortable feeling I have while around this person through the breathe and to not accept and allow myself to stay in my own mind when around this person.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Day 237: An Old Weiner Dog

Today I went to the vet with my mom to check on our dog. His right eye has been red for a little while so we decided to take him in. He is very old and is not the same as he used to be. I found out that we have to take him to a eye specialist so the blood in his eye can be removed. When the doctor said this I looked at my dog and remembered something from a long time ago. I was, I think in the 7th grade and a friend and I were video taping him coming down the stairs when he was a puppy. This memory has been tattooed in my mind. Then I came back to where I was in the vet's office and I felt bad for him. This sorry feeling came up within me. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. Like him playing with a sock he found, playing fetch with it. And him coming up to me with a toy and putting it very close to me and when I would try to grab it he would take it and run off and then come back with it. Such a fun animal to play with.

On the drive back from the vet it made me realize that it was fear of death that was going on within me. Death will happen to every living thing and that is something that I need to accept. It is strange.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the doctor saying that our dog needs to be taken to an eye specialist and that he might have to have surgery to trigger the memory of my friend and I video taping Rusty as a puppy coming down the stairs where I felt like I was in love and thought he was the sweetest thing in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memories of Rusty and me playing with socks he found on the floor and other toys where he would come up to me and place the toy on my lap and when I would try and grab it he would grab it and run off and then come back up to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for Rusty for getting old and having health problems instead of realizing that every living thing will die and that death is inevitable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want Rusty to be young and healthy again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word death with a negative emotional charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that Rusty will die instead of realizing that he will die and that I will die. I realize that death is a part of life and that death cannot be avoided.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hearing the results of what the eye specialist is going to tell us about Rusty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine Rusty living in pain and that he will need to be put down due to quality of life.

I commit myself to when and as I hear of what measures need to be taken concerning Rusty's life to stop and breathe In and Out.

I realize that death is a part of life and that it cannot be avoided and I realize that every living thing will die someday like all animals, plants, and people.

I accept that death is a part of life, and I commit myself to accept and allow any emotions that may come up concerning what measures needed to be taken concerning Rusty's life to flow through me. I do not accept or allow myself to suppress any emotions concerning Rusty's well being.

I commit myself to stop imagining Rusty being put down and to be with him and enjoy his company as he is now. I realize that he is not in pain now and that I can enjoy his presence instead of going into the mind and imagining scenarios that I play out in my mind.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Day 236: Fear of working fast food

As time goes on I fear that I won't be able to get a good job when I graduate. When I was talking to this woman on the phone the other day about my transcripts I was put on hold and thought, "I am going to get a shitty job and am never going to be able to pay back my student loans." "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents the rest of my life.

It reminded me of when I worked at McDonald's, Subway's, and other fast food places while in high school and in my early years in college. I don't want to go back to that time. It made me also think that if I work 40 hours a week at these places I am only going to have enough money to pay my student loans.

Looking at it now I see that I am making up scenarios in my mind about the future and what could happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have to work fast food when I graduate. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I am going to get a shitty job and am never going to be able to pay back my student loans".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents for the rest of my life".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while I was on hold with the university to remember the times I have worked at fast food places and horrible times I had while working at these places. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out scenarios in my mind, making up ideas of how the future is not going to be good for me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will be working at McDonald's to only pay off my student loans and I won't be able to get my own place because all of my money will be going to my student loans. 



I commit myself to when and as I think that I will end up working a fast food job when I graduate to stop and breathe. I realize that I will have to work somewhere as soon as I graduate so I can pay off my debt and I realize it might take some time to find a better job. I also realize that many people work fast food jobs and they probably don't like it any better than I do so I understand that at the moment I am better off than them. 

I commit myself to when and as I think "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents for the rest of my life" to stop and breathe in and out. I realize that this thought is based on the imagination and is not something I truly believe but is something I play out in my mind because I am pissed off at my current situation. I commit myself to see/realize that whenever I see myself thinking "I am just going to have to work at McDonald's and live with my parents for the rest of my life" that I am thinking this thought based on my emotions and to go on with whatever it is that I am doing at the time. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I remember the times that I worked fast food and had to deal with customers getting mad. I realize that any job has shitty parts about it. I commit myself to go through whatever job I may have to get in order to get a better job. 

I commit myself to stop playing scenarios out in my mind where I imagine the worst happening to me and when and as I see/notice/realize that I am playing these imagined scenarios out in my mind to stop and breathe in and breathe out. 

Friday, May 30, 2014

Day 235: The Educational Institution of Jazz - Part One

It is interesting how things have changed over the last century. Back in the day people learned how to improvise and play jazz by meeting people on the streets and going to clubs and bars. It was a community type of thing. No institution was involved in creating the art form we call "jazz" but today it is something completely different. The educational institution has taken over.



I remember hearing an interview with Miles Davis saying that he left Julliard because everything was being created on the streets and that was what he wanted to be a part of instead of having some white man telling him how to play like a white man, lol. That was in the 1950s. Today, nothing is done on the streets. If any jazz music is being played in the bars today the players are most likely to have been educated or went to school to learn how to play music.

The educational institution has killed jazz at the moment. This "style" of music was not created by an educational institution but by individuals coming together to create.

You are more likely to get a gig today if you have been the professor's pet and if the professor has connections he will set you up with them when you graduate. Nothing is real anymore. It is all institutionalized.

Will continue...


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Day 234: Practical Self-Commitments and Self-Corrective Statements continued

This is related to days 231 and 233

I commit myself to write self commitment statements that I can follow through with. I realize that I only know what I can follow through with and when and as I see myself coming up with ideas based on my imagination that are not practical I stop myself and breathe in and breathe out and bring myself back here and continue with committing myself to practical self commitments

I commit myself to utilize common sense self commitments that I know I can handle instead of self commitments based on some idea of who I want myself to be.

I commit myself to when and as I see and realize that I am imagining myself have changed to stop and breathe in and out. I realize that this imagination fucks with me because it is easier to imagine myself as having walked through something than to physically walk through it.

I commit myself to be aware of the connection between imagination and the energy it creates. I realize that the imagination has nothing to do with walking the physical and that is why energy is created through the imagination and I realize walking a point is not involved in energy. I commit myself to walk through the small and simple self commitments I have written out.

I commit myself to investigate and write myself out when and as I see myself going into the mind and imagining myself walking something. I realize that walking a point is done in the physical and that the mind interferes with this process.


Monday, May 26, 2014

Day 233: energetic behavior

This is connected to day 231

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write self commitment statements that are too much for me to handle. 




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write self commitment statements based on the imagination instead of what I am capable of walking. I forgive myself for setting high standards for myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself as have changed not realizing that this is the imagination and has nothing to do with the physical and that the change is only corrected and done through the physical and within this I realize that the imagination can fuck with me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my imagination to fuck with me due to imagined projections of how I have changed without realized that this imagined projection is NOT REAL and is only in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the imagined ideas/projections of how I have changed not realizing that these imagined ideas/projections create energy within me that I can feel and am aware of and within this I forgive myself for allowing these energies to take a hold of me and direct me instead of realizing that they will eventually run out. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing energy to control my behavior and actions. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am acting in energy. 


Friday, May 23, 2014

Day 232: Wanting to go back to high school

Today I was filling out my stafford loan exit interview and saw the money that I owe in student loans. A feeling of despair and anguish came up within me. I suddenly remembered being in high school and how I didn't have that many worries and desired going back to high school. I also had a feeling of dread about the future and fear about not being able to get a decent job. This then led me to think about how if I don't get a decent job I will be paying off my student loans for the rest of my life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of despair and anguish when I was filling out the stafford loan exit application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing filling out the stafford loan exit application to trigger the want and desire to feel as I did in high school where I didn't have many worries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread the future and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of fear where I fear that I won't get a good job and will be in debt for the rest of my life.

I commit myself to when and as thoughts and emotions about my student loan debt come up to stop myself and breathe in and breathe out. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I remember the times in high school where I didn't have many worries or responsibilities. I realize that that time is over and that I can't go back to that time of having no responsibilities and I realize that these thoughts of the times when I didn't worry much or had many responsibilities triggered me to go into the mind so I could escape this reality and feel better for a few seconds. So within this I commit myself to investigate and face my worries and fear through self writing. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Day 231: Practical Self-Commitments and Self-Corrective Statements

 Writing self-commitment statements has been very supportive for me because I am aware of the situation going on that allows me to either continue with the same pattern or to breathe and simply stop. But I have noticed that the majority of my self-commitment statements are not viable or practical as in the walking of the commitment. It is like I haven't allowed myself to set practical commitments and this is because of my mind. 



While writing this right now I had to pause for a second. This "stuck" moment. I think a lot of things are involved in why my self-commitments are not practical like the imagination, comparison, competition, time, ego, and all kinds of other dimensions. LOL, layers and layers of shit. Will continue later. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Day 230: My Ego and Light and Love Part Two



I commit myself to stop posting knowledge and information online with the intent of getting a reaction or rise out of people. 

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to join facebook groups that I know I don't agree with as I realize that seeing the posts are a trigger point for me to want and show my point of view.

I commit myself to be aware of when I want/desire to present my point of view to other people and I commit myself to be aware of the energy that goes with this want/desire.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I want/desire to share my point of view to others while knowing in the back of my mind I am wanting/desiring to get the upper hand.

I commit myself to focus on myself and all of the internal things going on within me - the backchat, the thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, judgments, ideas, etc.. as I realize that by focusing on myself is a point of self responsibility that is best for me and every other living creature on this earth.

I commit myself to notice/be aware of the judgments that I have towards others and within this I commit myself to investigate the interconnected relationship between judging others and the reflection of myself.

I commit myself to remind myself when and as I judge another person that my judgment will always be invalid as I realize that I have never lived in that person's shoes so any judgment has nothing to do with them but me. 







Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Day 229: My Ego and Light and Love

I haven't written anything in quite a while. I have all kinds of excuses and justifications rolling around in my noggin as to why I haven't wrote myself out and what is going on within me internally so I will have to eventually get to that shit.

A lot of FB groups exist about ascension and 5th density bullshit. I have joined a few of these groups. What I have done is challenged their belief systems by responding to the light and love posts and other shit like that. The responses are like "You are very negative" or some shit like that. One group I joined was called "Positive Thinking" or something like that. I don't remember the exact name. I would post George Carlin and Desteni stuff in order to get a rise out of the people in the group and they reacted. I thought, "How can these people not understand the principle of polarity?" I would always compare the light and love view to using drugs - no difference.

 But what I have realized is that I get a high off of the responses from the people who were part of the "light and love" and "positive thinking group"(s) by challenging their belief systems. I like arguing. I enjoy the energetic high. And I also realize that I tend to judge others when I am not focused on myself. This is something I have learned from self-writing. When I write consistently my automatic judgments towards others lessens or I tend to look at things from other angles - as in placing myself in their shoes instead of automatically judging and believing these judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to post knowledge and information on facebook groups with the want/desire of getting a rise or reaction out of those in the group and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that posting this knowledge and information with the goal of getting a rise out of others is ego thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize when my ego is the starting point of sharing information. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to join facebook groups just so I can share my opposite point of view with the members of the group not realizing that this is my ego taking over. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize when I am in an energetic state of mind and when I get a high off of this energetic state of mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to post knowledge and information in facebook groups knowing that I will get a reaction out of those who view or read whatever it is I post not realizing that I am posting for the sole purpose of trying to show others that I disagree with the views they present and so I therefore have to present my opposite point of view and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this is an act of war. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus more on others than on myself not realizing that when I focus on others that I am living in fear of what I am accepting and allowing within and as me. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that writing helps lessen my judgment of others because my focus is on myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on some mental idea of who I want to be and who I want others to see me as instead of realizing that this is just a mental picture that has nothing to do with the physical. I realize that who I am is the physical in every moment of breath, day by day, breath by breath and not a mental picture or idea of who I want or desire to be. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others without realizing that I have not lived in that person's shoes so my judgment of them will always be invalid. 


 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Day 228: Snipers, Drones and Self

Ok, I have a WII game system and have been playing the game called "Call of Duty". It is a first person shooter type of game. I play it online and we play on different maps and basically kill each other. You can play team deathmatch, capture the flag and things like that. After playing this game for a while I have had a realization about sniper rifles.

A sniper rifle is a gun that someone uses when they don't want to be seen. A lot of people use sniper rifles on this game and it sometimes annoys me. I guess it makes it fun but I have the tendency to look at things and how they work. It made me think of why guns where invented in the first place, but I am looking at sniper rifles here.



When I got killed by a sniper the same thoughts kept coming up. Thoughts like "What the fuck? Why are these people hiding and shooting?" I started to think about why sniper rifles were invented. The point that guns were invented is fucked up enough but then another type of gun was invented for the whole purpose of concealing oneself while killing another life. Drones are also another form of a sniper rifle. The people who control the drones are hidden. They don't want to be seen because if they are seen their identity will be noticed.

While playing Call of Duty on WII I have noticed that I would be getting killed from areas that I couldn’t find. I couldn’t find where these people where killing me from. I noticed that some people have names like “HackersSuck” or something like that. I did some research and found out all of these glitches where people can hide and go off the map. This takes the fun out of playing the game. After seeing some of the glitch videos on youtube I started to recognize these people hacking the maps.

This is exactly how the system works. Humans who work in the system, in the World Bank, the IMF, the UN, the United States government, all governments, the WTO, the charity organizations, the educational system, the police and military, non profit organizations, ….. everything.

Everything is a reflection of everything else it seems and I am a part of it and participate in it. When I look at someone else who I think is doing something wrong there is usually something I can recognize that I do that is similar, maybe in a different context but essentially doing the same thing. So I am going to have to start looking at what I blame on others. All of the secret thoughts and backchat I have towards the system and other people if I am able to change this blaming, whining and complaining of why everything is fucked up. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Day 227: College, Authority, Debt and being Pissed Off Part Two

Continued from Day 226: College, Authority, Debt and being Pissed Off


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that living with my parents is going to be an adjustment to my lifestyle during my time away from them and the lifestyle of partying and staying up all night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of regret when I think about my life as a college student and how I didn't do the homework and studying necessary to pass classes and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not going to class and doing the homework for classes causes a result of wasted money not realizing that my emotions of hating the educational system got in my way and caused problems for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question the teachers I have had classes with not realizing that they got offended by this questioning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my emotions to be in control of me while questioning teachers while in school not realizing that while questioning these teachers I was in an energetic state of mind and wanted them to see things from my point of view instead of looking at their point of view as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an emotion of anger when I think about my school debt not realizing that I am in debt and went through an institution and borrowed money. I realize the only thing I can do is deal with the debt situation I am in throughout time.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the interest on my student loans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be in debt my whole life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "this system is so fucked up so fuck it, fuck everything" not realizing that emotions of anger are connected to this thought and not realizing that staying pissed off does nothing for me or those around me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in order for the system to change I must become apart of it as I realize that rebelling and bitching about it does nothing but cause separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anger to take me to the point of not writing, thinking their is no point to it instead of realizing that writing myself out helps sort my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and reactions out by dissecting the shit. 





Saturday, February 15, 2014

Day 226: College, Authority, Debt and being Pissed Off

A lot of shit has been rolling around in my mind lately. More so than usual. Maybe it has to do with that I am living back home with my parents after not living with them for almost 10 years. It has taken me 10 years to get an undergraduate degree. I worked a few years during this time. Throughout my "college" experience I have failed many classes because I didn't go to class and didn't do the homework or study the shit because I have always thought it was a waste of time.





A lot of problems have happened because I have questioned authority and the teachers or "professor". Almost getting kicked out of school because of this. This is an excuse I use for not writing myself out - because I think if I write myself out something will again be used against me so I can't get that piece of paper of confirmed indoctrination. Excuses excuses, lol.

Throughout the years I have become more pissed of because of the realization of the fucking debt I have - student loans. I realize year after year my debt is growing and the interest on this debt is another thing that pisses me off. I feel as if I will be a slave for the majority of the rest of my life.

This is an excuse I use for putting my process on a halt or stand still. I think "this system is so fucked up so fuck it, fuck everything". I used to write myself out more consistently but this is an excuse and I remember a blog post I did recently when I realized that when I don't write myself out and investigate what the hell is going on within me the more cloudy things get.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Day 225: Superbowl and Money

The superbowl is coming up. The spell check here just did the underline thing saying that I spelled superbowl wrong. If I spell superbowl as "Superbowl" the little red line won't show up under the word, lol. Interesting.

I was watching the local news recently and the topic of sales going up because of the "Superbowl" was being talked about. Televisions and other electronic equipment sales go up during the time of the "Superbowl".

"Retailers from Best Buy to Walmart have special promotions touting large-screen sale prices that run right up to the big game. Savings on HD displays can surpass 30% off the regular price and some big-screens are marked down $2,000 or more."

"The Super Bowl is just a tool to get people over the goal line, if you will," says Phil Swann ofTVPredictions.com. "It's like car dealers who promote cars before graduation season or before a new school year. People who were thinking of buying one use the event as an excuse to justify what they have been wanting to do anyway."

http://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/personal/2014/01/29/super-bowl-super-tv-deals/5023883/

Something I read "According to a National Retail Federation survey, consumer spending related to the Super Bowl will hit an all-time high this year. Spending will average $63.87 per adult viewer, up from $59.33 last year. When totaled up, spending on Super Bowl parties and related merchandise—jerseys, beverages, pigs-in-blankets, and so on—is expected to reach a whopping $11 billion. That’s a lot of pigs in a blanket."

http://business.time.com/2012/01/31/consumers-expected-to-spend-11-billion-on-the-super-bowl/

In America, football is part of small talk.. the things you talk about with other people when you don't know what else to talk about or it is something that some are really passionate about.

If you look at it, those who care about watching the "Superbowl" are the same people who are religious, those who support the military, those who are patriotic, those who don't know what the monetary/money system even means, those who enjoy reality tv shows, those who believe what the media tells them, fucking etc....

This is society and it is REALity.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Day 224: It is financially supportive to be a fake person

Social media is a way that we communicate with each other today. We poke, tweet, send ims, etc... This is common sense.

What is so interesting is that we fear having an "online identity" because of many reasons but mainly because of our "reputation". Nowadays employers search for the person online that they are considering hiring. They use social media sites to judge them as to whether they want them as an employee or not.

I have witnessed many college teachers say that you should be careful with what you put online because it could get you into trouble. They say that you should be careful because what you place online could come back and be used against you.





The college that I am taking my last class at to get my undergraduate degree even put out an article called "Like it or Not, Your Online Identity is Your Brand". The article states "Is your Facebook profile picture appropriate for a resume? What about your spelling, language, and "likes"? Would you want a prospective employer to see who you follow on Twitter? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then Dr. Jane Johansen, professor of business communications, advises, "Go clean up your website."


I even have friends who use fake names on facebook because they don't want their reputation to go bad. What does all of this say about humans? It is clearly saying that we judge each other based on facebook and twitter accounts and that it is financially supportive to be a fake person. It is financially supportive to be a liar and a fake person. This society actually encourages the "fake it till you make it" mentality. This is just another confirmation that you can make more money by telling lies and being a fake person.

It is common fucking sense that humans don't want others to be honest with each other otherwise an online reputation would not be needed and we could instead be honest and true with each other.

What if we could express ourselves and share freely who we are without the fear of our income being taken away? What would happen?